Scheduling silence

Wow. Who knew that silence was such a precious commodity? My days are filled with chaos. I love the pace of being that busy, although I do need a pajama day every weekend. However, the noise associated with a lifestyle like this is irritating beyond imagination. Don't they use noise as torture? Whoever "they" are. I can see how it would work to break a person to their limits.

"MOM! I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!"

"WWWWAAAAA, BINKI!"

"BARK, BARK, BARK!"

"MEOW, HISSSSSSS!"

Then add in some background noise of cartoons on the TV, the keyboard being left on in the playroom and my email notifications coming through my phone every 10 seconds. Imagine this noise going on for 12 hours straight - from 7am to 7pm until bedtime.

It's no wonder I have limited patience and headaches.

I try to schedule silence for all of us during the day. Today? It only lasted 18 minutes. 18 minutes of blissful silence, peace and serenity. I guess it's better than nothing. But I need more of it.

I'm actually very good at scheduling "me" time. I'm out of the house, doing my thing separate from family and kids, creating a sense of self and accomplishment many times a week. But, there is still an imbalance. I'm so GO, GO, GO that I never schedule a STOP. No meetings, no emails, no talking, no music, no stimulation. I need a moment of nothing.

I'm terrible at yoga (which would be perfect for a situation like this) because I can't focus worth a damn. My mind never stops. But, now that spring is approaching with warm, sunny weather where we can enjoy the outdoors again, I'm thinking that it's time to take advantage of the biking system here in town - alone.

I'm trying to figure out where to put that in my very tight schedule. I might have to do it in the morning. Maybe a little silence and sunrise would do my mind some good.

I do it because...

We had yet another counseling session with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju. From the last session, we decided to agree on weekly phone calls with Logan and 2 one hour meetings at a public place (the mall play area) where they could see the kids. We followed through on the agreements until Grandma L made the guilt trip comment to Logan and I couldn't handle the stress of weekly calls any more. Bill stopped the calls altogether until we could talk about it in this session.

Bill and I met in the parking lot and waited together in my car because we were a bit early. I had been having not only a rough day because of all of this, but a rough week or so because of Bill. Since his return from New York, I had been sick to my stomach from stress and anxiety almost 24/7. So, adding this little hour of happiness was just the cherry on top of a big crap sundae. I was not excited to be there and I told Bill that I wanted to wait in the car for as long as we could, because I couldn't handle waiting in the small waiting room again while they happily chatted about dumb stuff while I was angry with how things have been going down.

Of course, I was ignored. And why nobody has yet to figure out that I'm not one to be ignored, that if you don't take what I have to say with consideration, I will get louder and louder until I am heard. So, there were words before going in. And that just made the situation even worse because I was pissed beyond pissed. I was livid.

We walk in and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju say hi as if nothing is wrong. I tell them that I'm angry and would rather not pretend with niceties at this point. I was angry with the guilt trip in the last phone call and we would talk about it in the session. Then Aunt Ju-Ju opens her big mouth and we have words - many of them. Her manipulative, bitchy, button-pushing self showed through, saying that the apologies they gave last session were insincere, that she was sorry her brother is married to me and on, and on, and on. I wanted to leave. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to call her every horrible name that I think she is. But I stayed. I stayed because...

We go into the session and right away Aunt Ju-Ju starts off with her bitchy attitude, stirring the pot. I turned and said that she was not helpful in anyway and that she has been nothing but a catalyst towards destruction in this whole situation. The counselor then asked both Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L to leave while she talked to just Bill and I. Clearly, we were not on the same page, we haven't been for some time and this whole in-law insanity is just a driving wedge. Again.

She tried to get us back on track, talking to Bill about listening to me when I have concerns and about me letting Bill scale the severity of the situation, because the in-laws cause me such anxiety and stress that I'm hypervigilant. Then, because of how I feel around them, she thought it would be best if I went out in the waiting room when they came back in. She would express to Aunt Ju-Ju how important it is that she not divide the situation and to Grandma L that anything that sounds like guilt is not OK right now.

After the three of them had their time, and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju left, Bill and I sat in again to go over what had transpired. All day I had been feeling bottled up and needed an emotional release - I needed a deep cry. I was at my breaking point and just heaved heavy, soul wrenching sobs. Every cell in my body unleashed the sadness.

After a while, we wrapped up. The counselor really tried to get Bill to understand that I do this because I love him, that I keep trying the best I can in this situation because of love.

And I'm on my way to work on post-traumatic stress disorder in the New Year.

The in(sane)-laws

This is not working out. I want it to stop. Now. I hate it. I hate Sundays. This arrangement is worse than the ones we've had before.

Ever since we agreed to the weekly Sunday phone call between Logan and the grandparents, Sundays have become full of tension, anxiety, stress and it's resurfacing my pent up rage towards them. Bill and I have been getting along pretty well lately, but I feel like every Sunday slowly drags us back down. All of the problem feelings surface, like resentment, anger and hurt and they bottleneck in my chest as Bill shrugs it off trying to pacify me. Why did I think it was going to be any different?? Why am I continually driving myself insane thinking that situations are going to change?

Each Sunday is just another reason to argue. You'd think Bill would put two and two together and make the best decision for our family, especially since last Sunday he didn't make the call for Logan. He was supposed to be out of town and plans changed. He stayed home, but the in-laws still thought he was on business. No phone call to them, no stress in our house. Simple equation, right? He's too busy making his mom happy instead of helping the happiness in our house. Again.

I finally got Bill to agree to have the phone call on the speaker so I could hear what was being said, especially since I thought I heard an unsettling remark in the first call. Three or four weeks later, it finally happened. And just as I thought, "clueless" Grandma L is making inappropriate comments. First, Logan is talking about going over to their house to play hide and go seek. "Wouldn't it be fun if you could stay here the whole time?" she says to Logan. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? She just asked my three year old son if it would be fun if he could spend the whole time there. We're having issues with her understanding the role of a grandparent and this just digs her grave even deeper.

Then, Logan gets tired of talking on the phone after only a few short minutes. "I want you to talk to Daddy, " he tells her. "But I want to talk to you," she replies. "Why do you want to talk to me? Why don't you want to talk to Daddy or Carter?" There's an uneasy silence as she thinks about her answer. "Because I love talking to you" she responds. "Well, I want you to talk to Daddy", he says again. "That makes Grandma sad," she tells him.

I glare at Bill and it takes EVERY. OUNCE. OF. SELF. CONTROL to just sit there and say nothing as she tries to emotionally manipulate my son with a guilt trip because he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. Bill just sits there and shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal.

I couldn't sleep last night because the hatred for her began growing inside me like a toxic cancer. This was the very reason I thought the cut-off was the best choice for our family. Now with the phone calls, that cancer grows bigger every week, infecting our family more intensely. It's too much. And now with this stunt that she just pulled, I am without a doubt going to contact her to let her know that I don't appreciate her guilt tripping my kids. Bill won't do it. He'll just shrug it off again. The mama bear is wide awake now and Grandma L better watch out. These claws are sharp.

Vacation alone?

One perk to having a job with a company is that you get vacation days. Moms don't get those. Or do they? Over the last week my brain went haywire (for MANY reasons) and steam came blowing out of my ears. Part of the problem was that I was (am) frustrated to the max (with MANY things) and asked for help. Logan is one of the parts of life I need help with. He just doesn't listen. TO ANYTHING I SAY. I know this is not uncommon and every mom with kids deals with this on a daily basis, but sometimes, this whole being ignored routine (by everyone) is like Chinese Water Torture. I get worn down and then snap.

This tends to happen to people who are over-worked and need a break. That's when most people take vacations days and hang out at the beach for a while. It came up in conversation that I should go on vacation. Alone.

Bill has plenty of vacation time and can take a week to stay at home with the boys while I go on vacation by myself. Going to Portland to see my sisters was mentioned, and I would love to, but would also feel kind of weird going without the kids. Does this sound weird to anyone else but me? Given the chance, would everyone grab their suitcase and start booking flights before their husband could even finish the sentence "...vacation alone..."?

I talked to a few friends and with mouths dropped to the floor "He said what? GO! DO IT!" and of course a group vacation was mentioned. This I would do. If everyone could really do it.

So, yeah. I need a vacation. Desperately. Who knows if it will actually happen.

It's a trap!

Last week my ESP kicked in and I knew something was going on with the in-laws. After asking a few questions, I discovered that Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju were trying to convince Bill to go to counseling with them - by himself. He said he kept telling then 'No'. The feeling I had was never resolved after finding out this information. My intuition was keeping me on alert because there was more to the story. Something else was going to happen.

Wednesday night Bill told me that Aunt Ju-Ju scheduled an appointment for the next day and Grandma L was guilt tripping Bill into going. They never accepted his rejection and rather than talking about why he was saying no (despite him telling them during their last visit that we aren't going any further with them until they take an introspective look at their part of the issue), they ignored everything and kept pressuring. She told him that they didn't have to talk about the cut-off issue and that they were going to talk about "their family" (Grandma L, Grandpa L, Aunt Ju-Ju and Bill). Manipulation at it's finest.

He told me he was going because he wanted to figure out what kind of relationship he has with them. They have never had any type of communication skills at all, resorting to superficial conversation about the weather and crap like that. Since the cut-off with me and the boys, Bill apparently doesn't talk to his family much anymore. Not by my demand, but because they really have nothing to say to each other, even the pointless drivel. He wanted to figure out what direction they were going.

I tried to tell him that they weren't going to talk about anything other than the cut-off. That it was a chance for them to corner him and continue with the Kristin-bashing without me there. I tried to tell him that it was a trap, and to explain once again, that the Cleaver Family that he wants them to be does not exist, it never did and it will never be that way. He still went anyway.

And I was right.

Apparently the session only lasted 20 minutes. In the first five minutes, they got in there and started talking and of course got to the root of the problem - the cutoff - in which Bill pulled the breaks on them and said he wasn't going to talk about that issue without me there. The next 20 minutes (the rest of the session) was Bill talking to the counselor one-on-one without his mom or sister in there.

She told him it was pointless to continue counseling until we get the big picture straightened out. He told her that in order for us to move forward, I need a sincere apology from both of them. At the very least, I need them to admit the truth and stop lying. The counselor said that may never happen (haven't we known this all along?). She wants to do a mediation where Bill and I go in and talk with her by ourselves, then at a different session, Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L go in and talk with her. Once again, this is a HUGE waste of time. The problem is so big and we are so far gone that the damage is irreparable. I will never get what I need from them. Ever. Otherwise I would have already gotten it.

I told Bill that I would go see this counselor with him for our side of the mediation, but I am not going to do another session with his family. I've learned my lesson from the last session with them. His mom and sister are very capable of picking up the phone and doing what needs to be done if they are serious about mending our broken family. They aren't.

It kills me that Bill still can't see the situation clearly. He was totally mislead and fell into their trap, not wanting to believe that they were manipulating him. I am proud of him for stopping the situation and not letting them go any farther with their attempts to drive us apart. I am proud of him for standing up for me as well, expressing my needs in my defense. This is a huge step and it restores some lost trust from the past. I just wish he could accept that his family is never going to change or do anything to resolve the hurt. I know that's hard for him to do.

They are here for a week (I think) and I'm sure this won't be the last attempt at guilt trips and manipulation. Unfortunately.

The wrong side of the bed at 4am

You know when you have those days where the ENTIRE day is nothing but crap? The days where you feel like you have no business being a mom and if you were working a regular old 9-5 job, you would have called your boss with some lame excuse as to why you couldn't make it in. That is my day today. But, I couldn't call in saying my cat died and I needed to go spread her ashes across the forests of Rocky Mountain National Park while I was really out there mountain biking. No, instead I had to suck it up and listen to screaming kids all day long while dealing with a pounding headache. How awesome is that? About as awesome as ebola, I tell you.

So, 4am rolls around and Logan decides that it would be a good idea to wedge himself in the middle of us in bed while continually kicking and elbowing me in the back for two hours while I don't sleep. For the rest of the day, The Headache That Won't Go Away hangs on to the back of my skull for dear life as if it were going skydiving and changed it's mind right before jumping. Hours and hours of screaming kids - either both at the same time or one right after the other prompted me to seriously ask myself why I haven't tried to trade-out my services with an engineer who would build me a sensory deprivation tank in my closet. It's totally big enough and it can't be that expensive. Hell, I'd just take a pine box at this point.

And, Logan apparently woke up on the same side of the bed that I did. He felt so wonderful after he woke up from his nap that he screamed his head off for two straight hours, crying about how he couldn't get his socks on - the same socks that he's proudly put on himself while excitedly running around in circles "I DID IT ALL MYSELF!" Then he cried some more on the bike ride to Target because a rain drop fell on his shoe. Not many rain drops; a single, lonely, sad, rain drop who was separated from the rest of his family. Boo-hoo. I'm actually wondering if it was a mother rain drop who decided to jump cloud and escape before her droplet children caused it to thunder and lighting.

That bike ride was exceptionally enjoyable because we live in a neighborhood with an invisible crosswalk. I was walking my bike across the street - with the kids in a bright red and yellow bike trailer and people would not stop for me crossing on the CROSSWALK. I had to stand in the middle of a 4-lane street to wait for people to slow down, which they didn't, while I shook my fist yelling "I'M IN A CROSSWALK YOU DUMB ASS!"

Let's not forget about the Mom Of The Year yelling I performed all throughout the day, "LISTEN TO ME! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO (fill in the blank)?!?!?!" I felt like I had won the lottery because those were some great odds that the two of us, Logan and I, would be such a fantastic pair today.

Then, at the end of the night, I decided to throw in the towel. "That's it! We're skipping baths tonight! Where are your jammies!?" With Logan watching Finding Nemo, I take Carter upstairs to get ready for bed. As he's on the changing table, I talk to him matter-of-factly. "Listen. I've had enough. I'm tired of all of this. I don't want to hear any more screaming. I don't want to hear any more crying. No more yelling, fighting and whining. The day is done. I am done". You know what he does? He looks at me smiling the whole time with his beautiful blue sparkling eyes and his tiny white first tooth popping through his gummy grin. He giggles after every one of my sentences, thinking that this has to be the funniest conversation he's ever heard. It makes me smile and shake my head. At least he's going to bed happy.

Logan seems to be exorcised of his demons when I come back downstairs and has stopped trying to channel poltergeists even though he is chasing the cat around the kitchen and she's meowing her aggravated LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE meow. He sits down for a little longer and says he wants to cuddle. I have hope that the night will end well for him too. The exorcism doesn't stick because then he starts crying and whining, which lands him straight into bed faster than you can say "Ringling Brothers!" because this is beginning to feel like the circus from hell.

Ahhh, well. I guess tomorrow is another day.

A barter way to do things

Some businesses and professions have been hurting during this economic down slide. Personal Training has been one of them. When money is tight, no one is going to run out and hire someone to get them in shape when it's hard enough as it is to put gas in the car. It's a luxury service, not a necessity. This is why I love online training; it's a fraction of the cost for one-on-one sessions, making it more affordable for everyone.

But, I digress...

I'm lucky to have chosen a service career that is easily traded. In the last year, I've bartered for so many things that we wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise:

• Photography - family portraits, Christmas cards, birth announcements, maternity portraits, newborn portraits.
• House Cleaning every week.
• Drop-in childcare whenever we want.
• Massages every week.
• Bikes tuned-up and a brand new bike trailer for the kids.

I'm in the process of looking for someone to do some work on the car (fix our air conditioner) and lawn service.

These barters have been a win-win situation for everyone involved. I find that these people are pretty dedicated to their fitness programs because they really want to do them, knowing that they wouldn't have the chance otherwise. I'm excited for the same reason; I wouldn't be able to have these services done either. Not only has bartering been mutually beneficial, but relationships/friendships have grown from them. Our house cleaner has been cleaning for us since before Carter was born. She's been here every week and Logan loves it when she's over.

We were just smacked upside one way and down the other with some heavy medical bills that need to be paid now. It would be an awesome world if I could barter for those. However, I'm feeling a hell of a lot less stressed about this pinch than most people might because for one, we are experts at being poor and living on practically nothing, but I can also be creative here and think outside the box with ways to come up with the money we need.

I've got some brainstorming to do. But, I know this little bump in the road is just that. Little.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

The last month has been one hellacious mess. It was a battle of wills where nobody wins. We thought we had it all figured out, we thought we were on the same page, but we weren't. We once were on the same team only to find that we were playing a completely different sport.

It all started with the counseling session with the in-laws (of course).

After the session, I had all the confirmation that I needed that we weren't going to get anywhere with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju. I knew this before even going in, but I said I would go and I did - even though I didn't want to. They still believe that they have no part in the family problems and continue to place all of the blame on me. Somehow, the "unresolved issues of my past" are to blame for everything and my "hidden rules" (like being honest, expecting conversation when addressing issues rather than being met with tantrums and nasty emails, and not snatching my children away from me) are too unpredictable for them. Continuing sessions with them is a complete waste of time and until they are ready to accept responsibility for their actions, then we are going to continue being at a stand-still. It takes effort from everyone, not just us, to make these changes effective.

This is where the problem started. I went and didn't want to go back. I was already at the end of my rope when we went into the session with them. It was too little too late. I fulfilled my obligation and we never agreed to a certain amount of sessions. Apparently everyone else had a different idea. I suppose everyone else thought we were going to do this long term. I was going to go insane from the stress. I was essentially being forced to have a relationship with someone I didn't want to speak to. It became a month of hell. Absolute HELL.

For weeks it was an intense tug of war, you have to put up with my family vs I can't deal with them anymore. I was being driven closer and closer to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I was not happy, Bill was not happy, the kids were not happy. Being in our house sucked. Our life sucked for longer than it should have. More tears were shed than there needed to be. The future of our family was in question. Can either one of us be satisfied with the others decision? We seemed to be hopelessly at odds. Trust had been breached. We were not in a good place.

After teetering on the edge of lunacy and pretty much at rock bottom, Bill seemed to finally hear and understand my pleas of getting us back to where we were before the session with the in-laws. Back to the best months of our lives. He canceled the session we were supposed to have with the counselor (without the in-laws), where we were supposed to figure out where we were going - which in reality was going to be another session into working me over to continue long-term sessions with them. After he canceled the session, he told me that Grandma L was in town now and that he didn't want to tell me until things had calmed down in our home. He was going to have lunch with her the next day and was going to tell her that continuing sessions with them isn't going to work for us.

So, he went and he told her. He told her that the direction we were going wasn't as we had hoped and that once she and Aunt Ju-Ju take an introspective look at their responsibility to the situation, we might re-visit the idea of sessions again. But until then, we're done. Not much was said and the conversation turned to "how about that weather!" The next day he met with her again for coffee and she asked if we were going to schedule another session. "Apparently you weren't listening", he told her and again, the conversation changed to superficial topics.

Now we are trying to re-group and get us back to where we were before this ridiculousness. Once we are on the right track - our life together is fabulous. 98% of the hell we go through is because of the in-laws and if we just cut out that cancer in our family, life is a whole lot happier and stress-free.

It hurt me more than it did him

Yesterday afternoon, Carter's fever started to spike again to about 101. When we first went in to get the boys checked out on Monday, I had been told by the nurse that if Carter's fever wasn't going back down by Friday then we needed to come back in. I gave Carter another dose of Tylenol and called to get him scheduled for the next morning.

This morning while I got Carter ready to go, he seemed pretty good. A little boogery and still congested, but not lethargic and miserable like he had been. I almost contemplated canceling his appointment, but thought it would be best to still go - just in case. Bill had already taken a vacation day since he will be busy all weekend at a tournament, so he and Logan hung back at the house to play.

We got there and our pediatrician checked him out instead of a nurse. She got the rundown of what went on all week after our appointment on Monday. I told her that I thought he might have an ear infection since he had been pulling at it. I guess he had a slight fever this morning while at the office (I didn't ask how high and nobody told me. I didn't even think of it at the time) and while she watched and listened to him breath the muscles on his back pulled tight, tight enough that his ribs became more defined. This was not a good sign.

"This isn't supposed to happen," she told me. She didn't seem overly concerned, like it was an emergency, but we had to do some tests. "It could be a few things and we need to narrow it down so we can find the best treatment plan. He could have RSV as it's still the tail end of the season. It could be a viral infection or it could be Pneumonia." I stood there staring at her with a straight face as my heart dropped into my stomach.

"We need to get him to the lab and get a nose collection done for the RSV test and then we need to do some blood work and check his white blood cells," she explained. She then went on about how we could give him antibiotics, but she doesn't feel comfortable treating patients without knowing the cause of the infection (this is one reason why I like her). Everything sounded simple enough and I took a deep breath as we got ready to head on over to the lab. My hopes for an ear infection now turned into hopes of RSV -which would be the easier infection to manage.

After a short wait in the waiting room, we were escorted into one of the back office rooms where two clinicians were decked out in blue paper gowns, safety goggles, gloves and face masks. I was a little taken aback as it looked like they were going to do surgery on my baby. The shorter, sweet girl explained what they were about to do while a taller younger guy stood back to assist her. Her explanation was invasive. "What test would you like us to do first?", she asked me. "I have no idea. You guys are the professionals. Whatever you think is best." I replied.

They decided to do the blood draw first. I sat in the phlebotomy chair with Carter in my lap. They strapped a rubber band around his small, chubby arm and worked very hard to find a vein. He cried and cried and cried. I tried my best to keep it together, to stay calm, stroke his hair reassuring him that it would be OK. After sanitizing his arm, the girl inserted the needle in Carter's arm. He screamed a hoarse, painful scream. Tears streamed down my face, wetting the top of his hair. "Are you OK, Mom?", the sweet nurse asked me. "Yeah," I lied. His vein wasn't giving them any blood and she dug around to get the sample they needed. Carter continued to cry, grasping for my hair to hold onto and I continued to sniffle and attempt to comfort him.

They decided to go to Plan B because they weren't getting any blood. Another nurse was brought in to see if she could find his vein on the other arm while the younger tall guy left. After much effort, she announced that she didn't feel comfortable and to call in another nurse. While waiting for this person, they decided to go ahead and get the sample collected from his nose.

I hugged him and cuddled him close to calm him down, his head resting on my shoulder in the crook of my neck and his sore little arm draped around my chest. I rubbed his back and rocked him back and forth telling him that it was OK. He had never hugged me so close before, usually too interested in all that is going on around him. But this time, this time he didn't want to know any more and preferred to stay in my arms.

After calming him down, I placed him on the exam table where the short, sweet nurse did the collection, the second taller replacement nurse held onto his head and I held his arms and legs down. He cried more, but this time was so exhausted that he didn't fight it. He just cried. While he cried, I turned my head to silently cry on my arm. The nurses were trying their best to comfort him, speaking softly and apologizing for all that he had to go through. Fortunately, this was an easy collection and very short lived.

I picked him up again to cuddle while we waited for the fourth nurse to come in. The short, sweet nurse left to work with another young boy about Logan's age, maybe a year older. The fourth nurse came in and we sat in the chair again while she looked for the vein in his other arm. They searched for quite some time, all the while Carter crying. The fourth nurse was very confident and quickly got the needle inserted as soon as she found the vein again after sanitizing his arm. He cried his hoarse, painful scream again - a scream a mother can feel in the core of her body and I continued to stroke his tear-stained hair telling him it was OK. For some reason, the blood was running slow and it was taking forever to get the sample. While Carter wailed on my lap, shrill, excruciating screams of intense pain came from the boy Logan's age in the next room. "Oh my God," I quietly gasped with my hand over my mouth as tears ran down my cheek.

After a few more minutes, the confident nurse thought that they collected the absolute minimum needed for testing and hoped for the best as she removed the needle from Carter's arm. They taped his puncture and I soothed him again. Both of his arms were sore - the left already bruising; his face red, spotty and blotchy from crying so hard and his body drained of all energy. It was finally over with and I just held him tight. "Are you OK, Mom?" one of the nurses asked me again. "Sort of," I replied more honestly as tears welled up in my eyes again.

The nurses began to clean up the room while I comforted Carter and got him strapped into his car seat. I thanked them, apologizing for crying. They were nice and hoped that Carter felt better soon.

On the drive home, Carter fell asleep, completely worn out. I pulled into the garage trying my best to keep everything in. I carefully took the seat out of the car, walked in the house and without saying much to Bill, walked right upstairs into our room and sobbed. The fear that Carter could be seriously ill, the trauma from seeing him in so much pain at the lab - it all came spilling out.

We got settled in at home and tried to recover while we waited for the call from our pediatrician. All of us were able to take much needed naps. The Doctor called with the results right in the middle of our deep slumber.

"The RSV is negative and his blood work came back fine. He must have some virus. Let's wait it out 24 hours and see what happens. If he has another spike in his fever or if he gets worse clinically - not eating, throwing up, difficulty breathing - bring him in. If he's not better by Monday, our next step is a chest x-ray."

I tried to go back to sleep after the call while Bill got ready to go to the course to practice. I got a bit more in before the kids woke up. Carter smiled as if nothing had happened, his bruised, taped arms reaching out for me to cuddle him. While Bill was gone, Carter smiled and played and coughed and sniffled. He seemed to be doing somewhat better and I obsessively took his temperate every half hour. It was normal.

I think he'll be OK. I think we just have to ride it out.

The showdown

From the moment I woke up this morning, my anxiety was in full swing. I was able to do our morning stuff as usual - make the kids breakfast, hang out and play with dinosaurs, but once I got Carter down for a nap I turned on some cartoons for Logan and had a shower cry. This was just nuts. I had tried my best to think happy thoughts and get my mind off of what was to come. After dropping the kids off at a friends house and picking up Bill, I could feel my arms going numb again the closer we got to the office. We sat in the parking lot for a quick minute to breath and chill before going in. I knew we had done everything we could to get ready and I just had to relax (as much as I could).

We get to the office and have to wait in the waiting room with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju for what seemed like eternity (15 minutes). All three of them, Bill, Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju are just chatting away "Hey, how about that weather!" and "Did you hear so and so broke their arm?" and a bunch of random crap as if nothing happened and we weren't about to go into a session and talk about all of the horrid things they've done. I sat there in silence irritated to hell that they were doing this - BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY DO. One day they call you a crazy bitch and the next day they want to go out to lunch.

We finally all sit down in the room with the counselor and start introductions and goals. Grandma L wants to get the family back together again, Aunt Ju-Ju just wants to come to an understanding (like Bill) and they all know that I'm done and there to support Bill. We started to go over the history. She read the copies of the emails that were sent after the Virus Visit and we discussed the difference of poor judgment and character flaws. In this case, either way the in-laws are screwed. If their judgment was so poor that they didn't think exposing a 4 week old newborn to a serious virus was a big deal - I can NEVER trust them to be alone with the kids. If it's a character flaw (which I think it is), same situation. Can't trust them. I really think it's a character flaw because I refuse to believe that two teachers, one who happened to teach child development, are ignorant enough about basic health care precautions. Especially since Grandma L touts herself to be a child expert and is highly irritated and offended that I don't ask her for advice.

While the notes and copies of the emails helped, the counselor said I shouldn't write anymore because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not stopping because then I'll be liable to rip someones arm off and shove it up where the sun doesn't shine. I'd rather not go postal.

Grandma L, as predicted, cried and played the victim. Aunt Ju-Ju, as predicted, put all of the blame on me. She kept saying things like, "It's evident she doesn't want to be a part of our family". Well, no kidding! Bill has been bribed to divorce me, there have been many personal attacks, I've put up with all of this crap for 10 years and they think I'd want to stick around and keep taking it?

Bill DID speak up when Grandma L tried to lie and boy, did she try and wiggle her way out of answering. We were talking about the beginning of the history and when the relationships all fell apart - when Grandma L told me I wasn't smart enough to be a Doctor when I was leaving for grad school with Bill. In the session, she turned to me "Well, how many credits did you have? You were struggling with math. I was looking out for you FINANCIALLY (making sure to emphasize this part and repeating it) because we were supporting you (unbeknown to me at the time). I never even said it like that". Then both Bill and I said at the same time, "Yes you did". And then he said, "Mom, I heard you". She sat there, huffed and rolled her eyes.

She was way pissed that I showed up with a manila file full of "evidence". There were many times that she "forgot" about events, like the time after she cut me off and we had the driveway conversation where she wouldn't come into the house. She kept pretending like it never happened and it took every ounce of self control for me to not whip out the printed blog post to read aloud. I wish I had been able to be heard like that, because I think that is a MAJOR part of the issue. I wanted to read so much - I had everything I needed to prove her wrong and all we did was listen to her huff and sniffle. But, really - what did I expect. Again, here's the false hope of her possibly taking responsibility for her actions (the same blind hope that Bill has).

Other than going over a fraction of the issues - we really didn't get anywhere (as to be expected). The session took an hour and a half since there was so much to go over. The counselor was good and began to touch on some important issues - but you know how counseling goes. This stuff takes time. We were given a very good graph handout on "crucial conversations" that is very beneficial for us even outside of the in-law issue. We talked about the boundary issues and why we are having a difficult time. Is it because we all have vastly different views on boundaries or is it because there is mistrust? If it's a difference of opinion, then we can come to a common understanding. If it's mistrust, we may never resolve this because it's a core issue. Considering everything that we've been through, I don't trust them at all.

I was very satisfied with myself during the session because I didn't shed so much as a tear. I was able to stay calm and get my point across and be stern when I needed to be. I tried my best to stifle any emotion in there and did a pretty good job. And I had my stupid notes and preparation to thank for that.

After the session, Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju left without saying anything. They actually hid in the building until we left (or were leaving). Talk about a major pout. Bill will most likely see them again before they leave this weekend and I'm sure I'll hear more about them pretending that nothing is wrong.

Overall, this is exactly what I expected. They still refuse to accept any responsibility and they certainly are NOT sorry for anything. Aunt Ju-Ju was quite proud of herself for sending the nasty email over Christmas and Grandma L tried to justify telling me that I wasn't smart enough. Nobody ever said, "Gee - that was wrong and I can see how it hurt you. I'm sorry it happened this way". NOTHING LIKE THAT. It was all, "Kristin has these hidden rules that nobody can figure out". "Kristin doesn't want to be a part of our family". "I'm tired of Kristin's shit". "It's all Kristin's fault this is happening". "We never said/did those things. I don't remember any of that". "That's not what I meant".

We are not going to get anywhere with them. They will NEVER change. And now? Now I'm being suckered into trying to keep working with them. Bill thinks they are going to change. He refuses to give up hope that they will actually be normal. At this point, I feel like he'd rather subject me to their crap to keep giving them another chance, time and time again.

A Valentine's tale from the mouth of a sailor

Be forewarned; this post will contain explicit language. F-bombs, S-words, and many other 4-letter words. As many as I can think of. Some say that swearing shows a lack of vocabulary. I disagree. Sometimes, a cuss word can convey the exact feeling you are experiencing and nothing else will suffice. This is one of those times.

The other day Bill excitedly told me that he got my Valentine's Day gift. I was a little surprised since we had talked about getting a spendy gift that would benefit us both. I didn't expect anymore gifts and I certainly didn't think about getting him one. "Are you actually going to wait until Valentine's Day?", I asked him since it's usually par for the course that he gets too excited and spills the beans a few days before. "Yes, well, it will be the day before", he smirked. Intrigued, I tried to extract more information from him unsuccessfully.

Yesterday afternoon I checked the mailbox and looked through the bills. I had been waiting for the phone bill because for weeks I've known that Bill has been lying to me. So, much like years before, and lies before this, I trusted my gut and followed the paper trail. It was back on Logan's birthday when the red flags caught my attention...

My sisters and my Dad had called Logan to wish him a happy birthday. Logan talked to them, thanking them for his gifts and rambling on and on about random preschooler stuff. Everyone got a kick out of it. This was during the drama from Aunt Ju-Ju who was flipping out because we were still enforcing the time out until there is a resolution to our family conflict. After my family had talked to Logan and after Bill had dealt with Aunt Ju-Ju, he got up from the couch to retrieve his phone from his pocket. Begrudgingly, he says, "Well, I better get this call over with".

"What are you talking about?", I asked him. "I'm going to call my parents so they can wish Logan a happy birthday", he said as seriously as a heart attack. I reminded him what a time out means with him interrupting me "do this for me". I wanted to smack the guilt out of him. I then asked him what was the difference between Christmas and Logan's birthday? What was so different now that it warranted a time-out from the time-out? The answer? Nothing. This was all happening because of the decisions his family had made and I told him that if Grandma L was going to wish Logan a happy birthday, then she could talk to me first to work on a resolution. That put an end to the conversation right there.

Soon after that I was getting ready to take a shower. Now, when I shower, I bring Carter in the bathroom to hang out in in his bouncer and Logan tags along to race his cars along the tub and entertain his little brother. However, even though Bill was there and available to watch the kids, I urged Logan to come with me. After the conversation with Bill about the phone call, the vehemence in his voice caused me to pay close attention to what was going on. I didn't trust him at all and figured he would call his parents while I was occupied. He called me out on my suspicions and assured me that he wouldn't go behind my back. I left Logan with him, but I still didn't trust him.

As the day ended, I asked if he had talked to his parents at all. He said he hadn't. I knew he was lying. The week continued and I asked a few more times. Every time he said no. I knew he was lying now. No doubt about it. So, I waited for the phone bill to bust him on the dumbest lie ever. I don't care if he talks to his parents; if he wants to have a relationship with people like that, who treat his family like shit, fabulous. That's his choice, however, they will not have a relationship with the rest of us. And for Christ's sake, don't lie to me about it. That is about the most ridiculous thing to lie about. Seriously.

The phone bill finally arrives and what do you know. He lied. Again. For the one millionth and one time. I sent an email to him letting him know that I'm tired of his lies. Again. I am PISSED beyond belief. That he would lie to me over something so trivial. Here we are, trying to rebuild trust and what does he do? Lies over a fucking pointless phone call.

But wait, it gets better.

When he emailed me back, he acted as though he was doing me a favor by "keeping me out of the loop". Forget that I smelled bull shit and looked for it like a bloodhound on the scent and once I discovered the truth, all hell would break loose. He just thought it would be better to lie to me.

But wait. It gets even better than that.

After my ranting email ripping him a new asshole, he called me, in which I think I yelled so loud at him it could have been possible to break the receiver in my phone. He sheepishly apologies, surprised that I would fucking absolutely lose my shit over discovering the truth about yet another lie. "Do you want to know what your Valentine's Day present is?", he asks me. "I don't give a fuck about Valentine's Day right now. In fact, you should probably return everything", I bark back. "My mom's in town right now. I'm going out for lunch with her on Friday. I wasn't going to tell you about it until after she left".

Thus began the Apocalypse in my kitchen, complete with the four horsemen riding past me. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! MY VALENTINE'S DAY PRESENT IS A LIE??!! WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU!?". Once again surprised that this would cause my God damn brain to hemorrhage, he apologises because he thought it was a good thing. The rest of the phone call was pure rage ending with a hang up. A few apologetic emails followed while I tried to collect myself, which was next to impossible, but accomplished.

Later that night Bill came home from work. He left to run a quick errand for me and the kids and I ate dinner. I got Carter to bed and by the time Bill came home, Logan was ready for his bath and bed. After the kids are down, I'm usually out the door and headed to the gym. Not this time. I just wasn't feeling it. Bill and I sat on the couch watching TV in silence. I was waiting for him to say something; to work on fixing this whole mess. But, in the end all he said was "I'm going to check my email and head to bed".

Enter another level of hell.

The cherry on top of this little sundae was Bill trying to say that I needed to go back on the medication because it makes our family happy. Granted, this was an all out, drag down, freak out - but he always does this. Whenever I am angry or upset at something (usually he does or his family does - something that warrants a world ending meltdown), the answer is always medication. Let's forget about how the last two weeks of being off the medication have been absolutely fan-fucking-tastic for me; the days are better, Logan and I are getting along and the frustration level has been drastically lower than the previous weeks (while on the medication, no less). But yeah, he doesn't see that because he's at work. So it doesn't count, I guess.

The aspect that sticks with me the most (other than the constant lies), is that here we are - another family visit where we had agreed to do something to resolve our issues. Yet, nothing is planned, no action has been taken, no resolution at all. This speaks volumes about how much Grandma L wants to end this time out. As of now, I'm moving towards an actual cut-off. And Bill? I have not a Fucking clue what to do about him.

This morning I am drained - physically, emotionally, mentally. It was good that we had a fun playgroup to go to; it got us out of the house and moving on to better moods. Another day. One foot in front of the other.

Time out

The other night Bill and I had a conversation about his family and where to go from here. We were supposed to go to counseling with Grandma L while she was here visiting and Bill and I were going to meet with our counselor together first, but she ended up getting sick and needed to reschedule - after Grandma L goes back home. Now, we are no longer going to counseling with Grandma L anytime soon. Bill thinks the next time she will visit will be later in the summer, possibly July. I think it will be in the spring, sometime around Easter. But it's always a guessing game with them. Nobody has any plans (or communicates them) until the very last minute. At this point, it doesn't matter anymore.

Since there's not going to be any steps made towards a resolution, a time-out is in progress. I suppose it started during Christmas, but now it's continuing for an undecided amount of time. Bill is still going to talk to them as usual and send pictures occasionally (which I don't agree with - I see his point, but still don't like it). The kids and I will not see or speak to them at all. I've removed the in-laws that I had on my Facebook list so I can still add pictures and updates there without it getting around to the members who are on the time-out. They don't know about and are not invited to Logan's birthday party on Saturday. Aunt Ju-Ju had Cousin Q yesterday afternoon, so Bill will visit with them all for a little bit on Sunday. He doesn't plan on explaining anything to them, just that we aren't going to visit. They know why anyway.

I've made a call to my OB about getting some blood work done and gave them the heads up about the medication. They won't be back in the office until Tuesday. So, that whole situation will get figured out soon enough too. Hopefully sooner than later.

These are the first steps to an in-law free life. Thank God.

Side effects

I'm going to get a little more personal in this post than I usually do (never thought that was possible), but it's very relevant to what's going on with me and how I feel. My family might read more than they wanted to know, but oh well! I'm sure they'll get over it. It's just something I have to write about...

Since starting Lexapro for postpartum depression/anxiety I have been experiencing some undesirable side effects. The first day was heart palpitations, which were short lived. Then on some days there was an increase of anxiety. Other days it was night sweats - similar to what I had with the hormone shift after Carter was born. I make sure to take it at night before I go to bed because it makes me tired and nauseous. I can avoid these feelings if I'm asleep. These symptoms have come and gone or are manageable. One symptom however, is not. It's effecting my "personal" life, if you catch my drift.

This makes me angry and upset. First, I still don't think I have PPD/A. I think I have in-laws that would drive anyone crazy. I don't feel any different on the medication even though Bill says he notices a difference. I don't feel more calm or in control, I don't feel like I have more patience, I don't feel anymore level than before. I still lose my temper and I still lose sleep over stressful situations (or leading up to them, as that's the case right now). It's hard to figure out the situation for what it really is when your brain is in question, which is the most confusing predicament ever. All I know is that I felt great - the best I've ever felt in my life - after Carter was born and for the four weeks after. Then after the "Virus Visit" with the in-laws everything went downhill. To me, the answer is easy - disconnect.

I've been talking about this since October. I've been talking about how I've had enough and I'm at my breaking point. No medication can change that. It's not fair that I get treated like I am, then take medication for the stress which makes the times in my life that are supposed to be enjoyable, miserable. The fact that I'm experiencing this side effect only adds more stress and depression. It breaks my heart and is incredibly frustrating. And quite frankly, I don't want to take two weeks to wean off and then try another medication which will take four to six weeks to take effect. Haven't I taken on enough already? Seriously. Why should I try harder for people who don't care or haven't tried anything at all? I've gone to counseling by myself, I've gone to counseling with Bill. I've taken medication. What has anyone else done? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. With my efforts, is anything different? Not even close. I think Bill and I are in a different spot, a better spot, but the situation with the in-laws is exactly the same.

Aunt Ju-Ju is delivering Cousin Q sometime this week. I think it's on Thursday, if memory serves me right. It could be on Monday, I really don't know for sure. At any rate, Grandma L is going to be in town again and we're supposed to go to counseling with her - nothing is set up as nobody is doing anything about it, no plans have been made, it's all talk at the moment. With this uncertainty just hanging, my anxiety increases. I sit here and ask myself why I even agreed to this. The only reason she's going is because I told her in an email that we've been discussing a cut-off for a few months now. We are way beyond apologies and I have no idea what we are going to get from this meeting. She's never going to be any different or do anything to mend the relationship (otherwise she would have by now) and when confronted about it, she even said "I don't think I have to tell you that" and "I'm not going to do anything". Even if she does keep her mouth shut and stops spreading lies about me, what does that change about everything she's done in the past? It doesn't. This is a relationship beyond repair. I don't know what can be done to move forward.

In the meantime, I'm on this stupid medication and I want to get off. It's effecting me in ways that make me turn over and cry into my pillow after apologizing for something I have no control over. It's not fair. It makes me even more angry with Bill's family. It makes me angry with Bill. It sucks that I'm the only one concerned about continuing to go through this. All for nothing.

The Christmas compromise catastrophe

After the very loving email that Uncle J sent on Sunday, Bill talked to both Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju on the phone about Grandpa L's birthday dinner plans for the next night. Both talked as though nothing had happened (surprise, surprise). The next day at work, Bill received a few text messages from Aunt Ju-Ju: "By the way, Cousin B has a cough. Dinner will be at 6:00". Obviously trying to piss Bill off who simply replied with "really?". Then she asked, "Did you read the email?". He ignored her. She sent another message. "DID YOU READ THE EMAIL". His response? "Maybe". Speaking from experience, Bill is pretty good at pissing people off and he knew that Aunt Ju-Ju was just acting like she usually does in these situations.

Bill came home from work and showed me the belated birthday card that he got for Grandma L, since he forgot her birthday last month and was giving it to her that night at the birthday dinner. "My mom always taught me to mail off birthday cards early so they get there on time." On the inside, "But I'm a grown man now and I play by my own rules". I ALMOST DIED!! I warned him that this would probably start something huge, but he said he was prepared for that anyway. We talked about a "time-out" with them if things get out of control - he was prepared to walk out and follow though.

On his way home from the dinner over at Aunt Ju-Ju's house, Bill called me to let me know what happened.

Nothing.

They all acted like nothing happened and nothing was wrong. Uncle J even gave Bill a big hug when he walked in the door as if he never sent us the email. Aunt Ju-Ju and Uncle J got a Wii for Christmas and had Bill hook it up for them. They bowled a game and he came home. That was it. Talk about a palming your forehead moment. When Bill came home I was upset. After receiving the email, I told him that I really needed him to defend me. He said he would. I was let down.

After a long emotional conversation, I told him that unless we address this, I'm done with all of them until something changes. Bill wrote out a heart felt email to his family that came just from him - telling them that the way they are treating me is unfair. He suggested that when Grandma L comes out in January when Cousin Q is born that we all go to family counseling. He also asked me to stay home with the kids while his parents came to open presents with Logan on the next night. This was not our original plan or compromise, but I told him I would be here. It was asking a whole lot from me, but all I could do was try.

Tuesday morning Grandma L replied to his email and it flipped some triggers for me. She wrote about some crap about how she wishes the whole family could have been at the birthday dinner the night before (meaning, the kids - because that's what had been requested) and that even with all of the stuff that was going on, it was reassuring that "we can treat each other with the love that I know we all have for one another". Right. I'm sure her telling everyone that I abused her is her way of showing me love. She also suggested that when it comes to family counseling, that it should just be the two of us - she and I that go. I almost fell off the couch when I read that. I'm not married to her and this is a family issue, plus, if it were the two of us she would continue to tell lies and deny all of her hurtful actions.

I stressed about the visit all day. Clearly this compromise was asking too much from me. I was not in any place to calmly deal with the issue at hand and I felt like climbing the walls from the anxiety. I knew what was going to happen. We would open presents and pretend like the world was grand. I couldn't do it like that. Ignoring everything makes me insane.

Bill got off work and called on his way home. I had the freak out of all freak outs. I told him that I was angry and hurt, that when his parents came over we were talking about this first and not opening presents pretending like everything was OK. I told him that unless Grandma L and I came to a resolve about her making fun of me on the phone, hanging up on me and then telling everyone that I abused her, then there was to be no "Christmas" with them that night. The whole reason why we weren't having Christmas Eve with them in the first place. I also told him that I was standing up for myself because he wouldn't do it for me. He called them and told them to go home and not come over. No explanation, no conversation.

He came home and we had a long discussion with me mostly crying and yelling about how I can't take it anymore - I'm at my breaking point and I needed him to defend me (which I told him after we got Uncle J's email). It wasn't really an argument, just me flipping out. That's PPD/PPA for you I guess. Who knows. But Bill knew weeks ahead of time that this visit would be too much for me to handle and we talked about it extensively. We should have stuck with our original plan.

Wednesday morning the in-laws were still left hanging as to what happened the night before. I knew Bill wasn't going to be able to tell them the truth when he went over for Christmas Eve so it was up to me. I (nicely) emailed Grandma L, Aunt Ju-Ju and Uncle J explaining my feelings and why things were going the way they were - without mention of PPD. I told them every bit of the truth of how we came to the decisions we did. I am so tired of the lies, glossing over the issues and everyone flat out ignoring major problems. It's time to face everything head on and get it over with. If it's not resolved, it's over. And I made that clear.

Bill went over to Aunt Ju-Ju's after we had dinner, opened presents and Logan and Carter went to bed. Again, not much happened. In fact, I think it was Bill who brought up that they need to talk and they decided to talk the next day when Bill brought them to the airport.

Christmas afternoon, Bill and Logan went over to Aunt Ju-Ju's house to hangout for a little bit before taking the grandparents to the airport. There wasn't much of a conversation other than Grandma L asking Bill if we should have a sit down conversation before going to counseling (too late, already did that and it obviously didn't work) and asking him if I could forgive. He told her that it's going to take a very long time because she's done some extremely hurtful things.

She comes back out in three weeks when Cousin Q is born and we'll see what happens from there in counseling. This is my last resort.

It wouldn't be the holidays without an email telling me I'm horrible

Bill broke the news to Grandma L this weekend that we wouldn't be spending the holidays with them. A decision proposed by Bill and supported by our counselor. It was nothing I demanded. I'm not exactly sure what he said - that the stress is too much? I told Bill that if he told his parents about me dealing with PPD, it wouldn't be without his life. This is information that they will UNDOUBTEDLY use against me, blame me for everything, etc. But at any rate, Grandma L and Grandpa L can come over on Tuesday night to open their presents with Logan and Bill while Carter and I go somewhere - coffee maybe. Or maybe not. I don't know. But, we won't be celebrating with them pretending that we're a happy family.

All that was said by Grandma L in the phone call (according to Bill) was a simple "OK". No discussion. No argument. I knew it was too good to be true. Nothing like this happens. There's always some kind of crap to deal with and it's never face to face or in verbal conversation, it's always via email. Que the flying monkeys...

It's usually Aunt Ju-Ju who flies off the handle acting as Grandma L's mouth piece. But this holiday we were surprised with a twist. Uncle J decided to take it upon himself to tell me how horrible I am. He doesn't even know the whole story and is only hearing the lies coming from Grandma L (like how she's going around saying I verbally abused her. This is NOT true and Bill listened to the entire conversation I had with her about her asking Bill to lie to me). So, yesterday I open my email to find this whopper:

"It is very sad for us to imagine the thought process that goes on when deciding that 2 wonderful grandparents, a wonderful aunt & uncle & most of all (Cousin B) will not be having the X-mas they anticipated, because of your Immaturity and Selfishness. It amazes us that you are able to take money from (Grandma L & Grandpa L) when you need it, but you can let Kristin dictate your children like they are pawns. I have never observed the amount of disrespect that has been given to (Grandma L & Grandpa L) in my life, especially from there own son!!!! In some twisted way I believe that Kristin enjoys this DRAMA you speak of since she is the only one that creates it from NOTHING. Maybe a couple of comments like the doctor comment. Wow! Once again someone looking for a way just to gain a little power ???

It is very interesting how much loyalty you give your counselor that is paid & only can hear your side. But when there is no logic to begin w/ you will believe anybody who sides w/ you!!!!!!! What the Fuck has anyone of us done to constitute these repetitive actions. Tell me one thing, Can You ? Can You ? I would love to hear of the horrible things that (Aunt Ju-Ju, Grandpa L, or Grandma L) have ever done, except love & care. I am shocked that they have not lined you out or lost it w/ you.

If (Aunt Ju-Ju) ever treated my mom like Kristen has treated (Grandma L) I would have been done w/ her along time ago.. I am just shocked while I am writing this that so much wasted energy has gone to the disrespect of your parents Bill....Over What ????Come On!! I would love to hear of the horrific events. Please tell me !!!! I am Blown away that your father has not taken you by the neck & shook some sense into you.

I wish it did not have to come to this jackass of an email. After the crazy email when (Cousin B) had his common cold, I am fucking lost. I really hoped we would be able to build a great relationship, but every time I am excited to do something w/ you I hear of more bullshit actions. I don't think they start w/ you, but you allow them to happen. Bill you are a wonderful guy!! I hope you can shed some light on this situation because I don't understand. I have witnessed numerous family situations that don't lead to this much anger, hostility, control that you & Kristin have created.

My gut feeling is there are many unresolved issues in Kristin's past that she carries and transfers to your parents. I hate that I have to be this direct. But I am at a loss. I spend the holidays w/ your sister, parents, and nephew watching them be upset every visit because of these crazy ideas............with no help from you !!!!!

If your wife does not like your parents or me or (Aunt Ju-Ju) then have her stay home...... Don't deny your family the right to see you & your boys. What goes on in you mind when your mom & sister are crying every visit because of Kristin. At least stand up to your wife & let life happen. We are only talking about 4 hours a year.

I know you would like to spend X-mas w/ your family. Or least I hope so.. It sounds like your compromise of having your parents over on Tuesday night is not logical, since we know that Kristen does not want see them. Bring the boys over here to avoid the drama. Isn't that logical? Or is this just another way of Kristin enjoying the power of control and you allowing it, stand up. Avoid conflict have a meeting place w/ just you & the boys w/ your parents. Then Kristen does not have to deal w/ it.!!!!!!!!!!!! Or will she not allow you to do that.

This Game Should Have Been Over a long time ago !!!!!!! Please be respectful enough to call your sister back & acknowledge w/ an email that you & Kristin have read my thoughts. Please don't push this under the rug. Ensure that Kristen reads this. Even an email saying fuck you from both of you would be sufficient."

And there you have it.

It was sent to both Bill and me, and I opened my email first and read it aloud. Bill just shrugged his shoulders. "So what. That's his opinion and it changes nothing here at home". We left the email unanswered. Shortly after that, Bill received a phone call from Grandma L like nothing had happened, nothing was wrong (knowing that she helped orchestrate the email along with Aunt Ju-Ju with some tell-tale details). Bill asked about Grandpa L's birthday dinner that is going on tonight and she passed the phone over to Aunt Ju-Ju who acted the same. Everything is peachy-keen. God damn are these people nuts. Then to top it all off, because we didn't engage Uncle J and respond to his email, he resent it to us this morning.

I have a lot to say about the email, but really, I'm so drained already I can't even begin to do it. I just want them out of my life forever.

Waiving the white flag

It's very hard for me to admit that things are "too much" and ask for help. It's one of my biggest downfalls, I suppose. I like to think that I can do it all, make anything happen and not even flinch. It's difficult to miss the mark that I set for myself. But over the last week, I've had to drop a lot of things. Bill has taken over calling on some of the important financial issues and continues to push me out the door at night so I can make it to the gym (which really does help and I really do need that push right now). Some of the things that I would normally make time for, like baking cookies for a cookie swap, don't really matter as much and I've had to take on the attitude of "whatever happens, happens".

I am SO THANKFUL for everyone's help in trying to spread the word about online training so we can pay the bills, but so far, it looks like the Christmas Miracle that I was hoping for isn't going to happen. We tried. And when I say "we", I mean all of my friends who sent out chain emails, Facebook notices, blog posts, and spoke to everyone they knew about it. We are not going to be homeless or be behind in rent since we made a deal with the devil and borrowed the money. Which I begged and pleaded not to do, cried and had panic attacks about. I did not want this to be a reality and tried everything other than street walking for a different outcome. I guess after the monumental futile effort, it had to be done.

Not only have I delegated the stress inducers, I've been relieved of the family obligations that cause the most anxiety. When everything was spiraling downward, Bill suggested that I stay home with the kids over the holiday week of in-law visits. This was also suggested by our counselor in the PPD session. After being on the medication for a week and thinking long and hard about it, I agree that it is the best thing to do for our family, regardless of the turmoil that will ensue.

So, I'm getting myself out of this stress storm with the help of Bill, who while contributed to a hell of a lot of it, has been trying to clean up the mess with me.

I don't want to believe it, but I guess it's so

Obviously, there has been a lot going on over here:

1. Our bank account is drained of everything.
2. I work harder than I ever have trying to make up the money for it (with a LOT of help from friends) in 2 weeks.
   
3. I discover a lie.
4. Our bank account is hit again but by a different company taking out 5 monthly payments.
5. Trying to organize our bills during this whole fiasco.
6. Try not to worry about the impending family visit during Christmas (unsuccessfully).

I think that about covers it. I also think that I'm justified in being super-stressed. However, all of this has seemingly landed my butt into postpartum depression.

I have been fighting this fact tooth and nail. I refused to believe it, asking who the hell wouldn't be freaked out with all of this going on at once. But, since the infamous Monday bankruptcy, I began to wake up with the breath sucked out of me realizing that I woke up to this reality. I lost my appetite and ate maybe a meal a day, if even that. "Stay Positive"? Yeah, right. For the first week after all of this, I felt like I had been hit by a truck and it wasn't from my workouts. Running wasn't really cutting it for me anymore, and our tree is still undecorated and half-lit.

We went to see our marriage counselor a couple of days ago and it came up that they (she and Bill) think I have postpartum depression and need to go on medication. I was pissed. Well, pissed wasn't even the word. Beyond pissed is more like it. It was just one more thing to deal with. Wasn't everything else enough?

It upset me on so many different levels. First, I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't handle my life during a stressful time when I should have been able to keep it together. I felt broken or defective. I was angry that after years of being able to handle a lifetime of insanity, that now I had to go on medication. I was angry that I had to suffer the side-effects of medication, ultimately making a difficult situation even more difficult (heart palpitations, weird feeling in my throat to start with), not to mention fears of other side effects (weight gain, "relationship" problems). The side effect that enraged me was nausea. I JUST lived nine months of my life with constant nausea and now I have to keep on with it for a different reason?! That alone would depress me more than anything else.

I begrudgingly called my OB to get the prescription filled. Last night on my drive home from the gym, I was deep in thought about all of this and my refusal to believe that I have postpartum depression, that this was all just life crap happening. Then I remembered what life was like with Logan in his babyhood. And that I thought the same thing - that it was all life crap. And how months (more than a year?) later after talking to a postpartum depression specialist who told me that life stress can cause you to go into postpartum depression I realized that I had lived undiagnosed and untreated.

I'm still angry, but a little less. I'm on day 3 of the medication.

Truth be told

First, let me preface this post by saying that I do love Bill, otherwise I wouldn't still be here after all of this crap (and after actually calling and speaking to divorce attorneys). I still believe that we are soul mates, which makes all of this that much more painful. We've been through a lot in our 10 years together and have always stuck it out, but it's come time that I get this off my chest because it's been eating at me for years. YEARS. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope already and not sure how much more of this I can take.

I decided to go ahead and write about this because it will help me - both in the short term and long term. I hope to overcome this with him and be able to look back at this post, proud of what we were able to achieve together. My intention is not to complain or bash. My intention is to be real. To acknowledge what I feel. Even though we are soul mates, that doesn't mean we are problem-free. I also took into consideration what Logan and Carter might get out of this if they read it in the future. I want them to know that marriage is very hard work and their parents are not perfect, but we try. I don't want them to think poorly of their Dad - quite the opposite. I want them to see the realities of marriage and relationships, of mistakes and hurt, to learn conflict resolution, to teach them the skills we never learned growing up, and that they can make changes before it's too late.

So here it goes...


I don't like being lied to. Who does, really? But me? I. Can. Not. Handle. Being lied to. I'm sure my past has a lot to do with how strongly I feel about this, but that's who I am. I need the truth more than most people. Truth equals security for me. Dishonesty and mistrust make my head spin. I often feel like I have a hard enough time trusting people to begin with, then when the person I love the most lies to me - it hurts more than anything. I don't even have the words to describe how it feels. For me, it's earth shattering.

There is a long history of dishonesty here that (unknowingly for me) started at the beginning. When Bill & I first met, he was a smoker. I told him that I wasn't going to date a smoker (for reasons listed in the linked post) and he quit. Or so I thought. Throughout the years he's lied to me about it, over and over again. Bill’s sacrifice of giving up smoking is so significant to me because it demonstrated that I was special enough to someone to give up something difficult for. Since living a life where I was often threatened to “give away”, not valued or respected, this sacrifice was monumental. After discovering that Bill picked up smoking time and time again, it devalues that significance for me. It feels like the ultimate betrayal by making me feel like that sacrifice was never real to begin with or that it wasn’t that big of a deal, so it’s easy to go back on his word. I understand the addiction and that it's difficult and that there are going to be slip-ups. But add dishonesty to the mix, where I ask him and I am lied to straight to my face, all of this becomes more than "just smoking".

The lies extended beyond smoking. There have been lies about our finances, lies about how involved his parents were in our business (more than I even knew about what was going on in our lives), lies upon lies. It's now to the point where I don't know what's real and what's not. For years, I developed the skills of a private investigator. I've seriously wondered if I should go into this field after the kids are in school, because I live it everyday. My gut tells me when something is not right and even though I might not find the truth right away, I always find it sooner or later. Always. I'm tired of being the suspicious wife.

I hate being lied to because it makes me feel like a sucker. It makes me feel weak and like I should have known better than to trust. With the years of lies about so many things, it makes me wonder why I'm not worthy of the truth. This should be a foundation of not only a marriage, but a friendship. Everyone deserves the truth. It's a common respect. The fact that I don't get this from our marriage cuts me to my core.

In the past few years, I've learned that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've learned that the art of deception has been taught and lived for years before me. That this learned behavior is now a habit, just like smoking. The fear of dealing with the reality is extreme, so deception is the go-to coping skill. What boggles my mind is how hard it is to change this habit. When it's obvious how hurtful the dishonesty is, to me it seems like it would be easy to stop. Who would want to hurt their family so much? I know he doesn't want to, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I know it, but I can't understand it. Because every lie makes the reality worse. Every time there is more to deal with than just the issue at hand. It makes every situation more complicated, more stressful, more intense than it needed to be to begin with because I can't handle it. "The truth will set you free" rings so true for our family.

But, maybe I do understand more than I think I do. Maybe I tough it out not just out of love, but knowing how much our childhood carries over to our adulthood. He probably does the same because even though we both work on our "stuff", my history still haunts me regularly, even if it's not as much as years ago. Maybe knowing how hard it is for me to change helps to understand how hard it is for him. Maybe that's why we both keep on keepin' on.

Sometimes you just have to write

I've got a lot to think about today. I've often mentioned how blogging has helped me personally in difficult situations. There's just something about writing that helps me to work through certain events. When I started blogging I kept those feelings and issues on the down low until I couldn't keep it inside any longer. Thus began the "non-deleted posts" entries that were primarily about the in-laws. I'm at that familiar place again but with a different topic.

Once I started those "non-deleted posts" entries, I felt better. There wasn't anything I wouldn't write about, with the exception of my marriage. That's where I'm at. I said that my marriage was an off-limits subject because it was something that I respected and wanted to keep between the two of us, but right now, I feel like I'm the only one who's respecting anything. I know writing about it will help me personally, but I really have to think long and hard if that's where I want to go. It would be a whole different ball of wax if this was an anonymous blog where friends and family didn't read (don't worry - there's not going to be any graphic information. I have more class than that).

Regardless if I write about us or not, there are probably going to be some Debbie Downer entries in the next few days. That's just what's going on. So, if you're looking for sunshine and rainbows, you're not going to find it here until maybe next week (or let's hope so anyway).

Short and sweet

A few things...

I don't think this is postpartum depression, but whatever.

No word from the HOA, even though they have received two requests. The third will go in on Friday and then we'll see what happens from there. The fitness website supposedly returned the money they took, but it has yet to show up in our account.

And on a nice happy note, Lisa was awesome in having me write a guest post for Workout Mommy. I've had a couple of emails from it requesting info for online training and it was put up on Reuters, which is fantabulous. Thanks again Lisa!