You know what they say, no news is good news

I think about this blog every single day. It's meant so much to me over the last five years. It holds every detail of the growth of our family, the challenges and the victories. It contains the deep hurts I've experienced in my life and the greatest joys I've ever felt. This blog is our life.

Over the last year or so, I haven't been able to keep up with my daily posts as I once did. I am now a professional blogger, our cities top food critic. I am amazed at the success I've had and it really is quite unbelievable. But it also is a job and it takes up every single bit of my free writing time. Which leaves almost nothing for our blog here. And that? Kills me.

I will never abandon this blog. Ever. It would be devastating to publish a "Thanks and that's all folks!" post (which I'm sure some of you thought I was in the process of writing). But, if you've been a reader for a while or know me personally, you know that I'm terrible with balance. It's a constant struggle. Someday I know that I'll be able to get back to writing more than once a week on here. But for now, that will have to do. Because it's better than nothing.

Really, though. No news is good news. There hasn't been much to write about because everything is going so well. And "going well" also means "pretty boring". But I thought I'd do a little summary - in bullet fashion. Why not?

• Bill started fly fishing this year. Actually, he just finished a two day hands-on seminar and now he's ready to jump in the river with his friends. This is so good for him because it gives him the sense of self that he's been missing for a while.
• Logan is doing great in school and is an avid video gamer already (just like his Dad). I'm thrilled that it's warm outside so he can get out and away from the living room.
  
• Carter is a solid little tag along and is learning to talk (I love it!!) I'm going to try and get video to post.
• Rex is growing and learning the ropes quickly. She's been in puppy school once a week and then goes to doggie daycare all day a few days a week. This has been a life saver. Both mine and hers.
  
• I'm helping to organize our MOMS Club fundraiser - a children's fashion show and silent auction. I've been asked to write an article for our local paper for another fundraiser. I've decided to do some public speaking about being a professional blogger and then? I'm also organizing the first year anniversary dinner for the food blog. Yeah. See why I'm not writing here so often?
• There has been virtually no news with the in-laws. I honestly don't remember the last time Logan had a forced, scheduled call with them (that was supposed to be every Sunday). Maybe right after we got Rex? Looks like that fell through pretty quick. Oddly enough, no phone calls, no sessions, no visits? Our house is back on the "happiest ever" track. Bill and I had a good conversation about it the other week at dinner. I just hope with all my might that it stays like this.
  
• Wow - these are long bullet paragraphs....

So, there you have it. Happy, doing fun things and living full lives. Couldn't ask for anything more.

Easter 2010

Ahhh, Easter. A sure sign of spring and such a fun little holiday. This Easter was quite fun with the boys, especially now that they are both able to enjoy the festivities to the fullest.

On Saturday morning we took them to our MOMS Club Easter Egg Hunt. Last year it was freezing and somewhat miserable, but this year the weather was much more cooperative, with a slight cool breeze on a crisp spring morning. The boys had a blast gathering the brightly colored eggs filled with sugary goodness. Logan was on a serious hunt, filling his yellow felt Easter basket that looked like a chick. This was Carter's first year of actually hunting and caught on quick. He ran around gathering a few eggs, eventually abandoning his basket to go run off in an open field.


We stuck around for a little bit to drink coffee, juice and snack on all of the goodies that people brought to share. Bill had to leave a little early, so we weren't able to hang out that long. It was still a fun morning though.

On Easter morning, the boys woke up to baskets filled with board books, sunglasses, coloring books, some Jelly Beans and chocolate. Bill made a big pancake breakfast and we hung out in our pajamas just chillin'. It warmed up a bit in the afternoon and we took a family walk to the park with Rex and the boys riding in Logan's power wheels car.


It was such a fun, relaxing, warm way to enjoy the holiday. Happiness, for sure.

Projection and prevention at the Dentist

I've never had a cavity in my life. I've always been proud of that and mostly, because I hate the thought of being drilled in the teeth. Every trip to the dentist was fun because they'd poke around clean a bit and send me off on my way, reminding me to floss more often.

Then when I was pregnant with Logan, I developed some serious tooth pain. I went in to get checked out, sure that I had a cavity from being sick all day long for months on end, wearing the enamel on my teeth. Without taking x-rays because of the growing baby Logan, I was told I had six cavities. SIX. Scared to death, I never went back to have them filled after Logan was born.

Then, before getting pregnant with Carter, I thought it would be wise to get my teeth checked out again and take care of any problems before going into pregnancy again. At a new dentist, they took x-rays and said that I did not, in fact, have six cavities, but only two. I needed to schedule an appointment to come back. I got the bill and almost fell over. I never went back because I'd have to take out a loan if I had to pay that much.

Years went by, kids grew and my teeth were pain-free. Although I had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that the longer I let these cavities sit, the more likely I'd need a root canal. Yikes. So, taking the recommendation of a friend, I called her dentist to get checked out.

The office was great, the staff was friendly. And you know what? I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE CAVITY. Right. I went from six, to two, to ZERO. I think tears welled up in my eyes when my hygienist said I was cavity-free.

Those years of living in dental fear prevented me from taking my own kids to the dentist. Afraid that we'd be lied to or trapped in some kind of dental con, I procrastinated on making Logan an appointment. It only exacerbated the already existing Mother Guilt that comes with the job.

After my wonderful appointment where my teeth were taken care of rather than my wallet, I felt that fear subside and made Logan his first dental appointment. He went to one of the big pediatric practices here in town and felt safe having a back-up plan. If they said he had any cavities, then I'd take him to my dentist for a second opinion.

The pediatric practice is huge and so much fun for the kids. There are video games and climbing structures. It's like a McDonald's play land inside a dental office. They are very efficient and you often times don't have a moment to sit before they are ready for your appointment. Almost to a fault.

Logan checked out great. No cavities and very healthy teeth. Although he needs better brushing on his upper front teeth. The dentist also said that Logan will probably need braces in the future and advised me to start saving now. They run about $5,000 (holy crap). Then? He dropped a bomb. Logan has a special dental case....

He has an extra permanent tooth.

Called a 'Supernumerary' tooth, it's growing on the top front (proximal #G). He's going to have to have it removed when he's about six years old. Poor kid. Apparently they don't see too many of these and it made for an interesting clinical day for the dentist.

Other than that little discovery, our visit was fun and stress-free. I hate that I've run into some shady dentists that have tried to drill unnecessarily, risking my health for their padded bank accounts and that creating that fear jeopardized the dental health of my kids. But, all is good now. No cavities, just an extra tooth.

Cat-less

For months we've discussed the issue of cat allergies at home. Bill is allergic to Kitty and seemed to be getting worse. Sneezing, runny nose, boxes of Kleenex in handy places. His allergies were getting so bad that it interfered with party invitations at people's homes that had cats. We would go only to have Bill become anti-social and in misery from sinus problems. If we go to a party and there's a cat, we end up leaving in a short amount of time, always the first people to leave the party.

Logan's allergies have also been getting worse, mostly his eczema. Kitty has been sleeping in his room at night and Logan's legs have been horrible. The other day when I went to wash his sheets, I noticed splotches of blood from him scratching his legs all night long. Then, after an afternoon of driving his Power Wheels car around, he pet a neighborhood cat and huge welts formed on his forehead. I had to accept that Kitty needed a new home.

In this months-long process, a good friend of mine offered to adopt Kitty. This was the best option for us. I knew Kitty would be in a fabulous home, plus, we'd be able to see her again when we visit. I couldn't have asked for a better solution.

I broke the news to Logan the other night, explaining that Kitty was going to live at his friend's house because he and Dad were allergic to her. "Forever?" he asked. "Yes, forever." I explained. He understood completely and asked if we'd be able to visit. No tears, no concern. He felt good about Kitty living at his friend's house.

Last night I packed up all of her things - food, litter box, and extra litter. I got her into her carrier and drove her to her new home. We stood by the kitchen, opened the crate and let her out. She seemed a bit freaked out (because she hates car rides) but felt comfortable enough to jump out and start exploring. Of course, I cried on my friend's shoulder while in a long hug, which resulted in us both crying.

Kitty is such a cute cuddle cat, loving to be pet and full of affection. She would sneak into our room at night to sleep next to me like a little live teddy bear. When I was pregnant, she would do her "squishy dance" on my stomach, giving me kitty massages on my sore sternum. As allergies became a bigger problem, I wouldn't be able to pet her as much because then Bill wouldn't be able to touch me.

I love cats and I will always love cats. I love them more than dogs, for sure. I will miss having her around the house, but I know this is for the best. So, now we are cat-less.

Parent-Teacher conference

Last week Logan had his second parent-teacher conference. In his classroom, there is a large round table with his three teachers sitting on one side with a stack of student files and on the other side there are a couple of chairs for the parents. As a parent, this is always an intimidating situation, filled with doubt and subtle hints of guilt, wondering if I've done my job as a mom to a preschooler.

His Spring Progress review was handed over, with bill sitting next to me and the boys at the next table over coloring. Each skill is rated with a NY (not yet), P (Progressing or sometimes) or an R (Ready or consistent).

For Autonomy/Social Skills, Work Habits, he scored a few "P's": sits among children remaining in own space, moves cooperatively from one activity to another, cleans up toys and materials.

This all sounded so familiar since he's like this at home, too. His teachers emphasized how Logan does not like to clean up and tends to dig his heals in when he decides he doesn't want to do something.

For Oral Language, he scored only one "P": Uses present and past verb tense.

I was relieved and almost shocked that his speech development was on track. This is totally my own mommy-guilt from when he was behind on his speech development before. Since then, I seem to be overly concerned that he's getting back to where he needs to be. I know exactly what he's saying, but still get concerned if I have to act as interpreter when he's talking to other adults (and sometimes kids). But, his Dr and his teachers aren't concerned in the least and say he's making great improvements.

For Children's Literature, he scored "P's on: retelling a story that has been read aloud including characters with a beginning and an ending, attends and listens to illustrated picture books, "reads"/tells a story using a picture book.

I thought these were interesting because he does this all the time at home, even if he tends to be restless. He's always reading to me or to Carter. But, maybe not a whole story.

On Emerging Literacy Skills, he scored one "P": colors a simple drawing staying within the lines.

This boy has never enjoyed art or coloring, and I've never pushed him to stay within the lines (other than on his tracing skills workbook). I'm not surprised at this result at all.

Mathematical Reasoning/Number Sense scores had "P's" on: continues a simple pattern, illustrates the concept of 'put together' and 'take away' with sets of 1-4 objects, names a circle, square and triangle.

We don't work on math skills much at home other than counting, so I suppose it's time to start thinking about math! However, he does know his shapes and I have no idea why he's confused about a square - which is the only shape he didn't name for them.

Orientation in Time and Space resulted in the first "NY" score: uses a schedule of daily activities represented in images to describe order of events during the day.

This. Is. My. Day. "what are we doing today? Where are we going? When are we eating? Is it lunchtime yet? Can I have a snack?" This is constant, no matter what I tell him or how I try to explain it.

In Scientific Reasoning, he scored a "P" on: names body parts.

Really? This is a surprise to me!

Music and Visual Arts scores were: "P" on imitates clapping sequence up to 3, cuts a straight line and "NY" on indicates the number of sounds heard up to 4 and draws simple stick figure.

Since I don't force him to do arts and crafts stuff, I wasn't aware of the fact that we didn't know how to draw a stick figure. We've been practicing much more and he hates it, but i still don't push.

In the comments section, his teachers wrote, "Logan enjoys learning and playing with the other children. He shares his ideas easily. We are looking forward to having Logan in class next year. Thank you for sharing him with us!"

His teachers assured me that Logan isn't behind or lacking in skill. His "P" and "NY" grades are developmental rates we shouldn't be concerned over. He's dong very well, has a lot of friends and is apparently quite popular.

It's a strange feeling to watch your kids grow up into their own person, and being responsible for their learning and development. There are so many highs and lows and constant wondering if you are doing enough as a parent. It's never perfect, but I think Logan's doing just fine.

Scheduling silence

Wow. Who knew that silence was such a precious commodity? My days are filled with chaos. I love the pace of being that busy, although I do need a pajama day every weekend. However, the noise associated with a lifestyle like this is irritating beyond imagination. Don't they use noise as torture? Whoever "they" are. I can see how it would work to break a person to their limits.

"MOM! I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!"

"WWWWAAAAA, BINKI!"

"BARK, BARK, BARK!"

"MEOW, HISSSSSSS!"

Then add in some background noise of cartoons on the TV, the keyboard being left on in the playroom and my email notifications coming through my phone every 10 seconds. Imagine this noise going on for 12 hours straight - from 7am to 7pm until bedtime.

It's no wonder I have limited patience and headaches.

I try to schedule silence for all of us during the day. Today? It only lasted 18 minutes. 18 minutes of blissful silence, peace and serenity. I guess it's better than nothing. But I need more of it.

I'm actually very good at scheduling "me" time. I'm out of the house, doing my thing separate from family and kids, creating a sense of self and accomplishment many times a week. But, there is still an imbalance. I'm so GO, GO, GO that I never schedule a STOP. No meetings, no emails, no talking, no music, no stimulation. I need a moment of nothing.

I'm terrible at yoga (which would be perfect for a situation like this) because I can't focus worth a damn. My mind never stops. But, now that spring is approaching with warm, sunny weather where we can enjoy the outdoors again, I'm thinking that it's time to take advantage of the biking system here in town - alone.

I'm trying to figure out where to put that in my very tight schedule. I might have to do it in the morning. Maybe a little silence and sunrise would do my mind some good.

Logan's 4 year check-up

He's a tall, skinny kid now. No longer a baby or a toddler, but a big grown preschooler. We sat in the living room together while Carter was napping, taking his "tests". I asked him questions, like "What do you do when you are tired?" and "Tell me things about your ball". We played catch to see if he caught the ball with both hands, watched to see how he threw a ball overhand and hopped on one foot. We put a puzzle together, that was only supposed to be six pieces, but we didn't have puzzles that small. He put a large puzzle together by himself just fine. He copied letters that I wrote on a piece of paper and determined which shapes were the smallest. He told me his first and last name, his age, his address and my phone number.

He passed the 48 month Ages & Stages questionnaire with flying colors.

At his appointment, he measured 42.75 inches in height (90%) and weighed 39.4 pounds (75%). They checked his BMI (15.1% 25), his vision (20/40) and his hearing (he passed).

This was the first appointment where he was actively involved, where Dr. B asked him a slew of questions directly. She asked him about school, where he slept at home, what kinds of healthy foods he ate and checked his spine for scoliosis. The topic of vaccinations never came up, because at this point, she knows better.

My only concern for Logan was his ever problematic eczema. His legs are horrible, with red, scratched raw sores. His hips, butt, torso and arms are less so, but still uncomfortable for him. It seems as though we've tried everything - different lotions and creams, bleach baths, and baking soda soaks. Dr. B suggested that he wear a double layer of pajamas - the under layer wet and the top layer dry, to help trap in moisture. Logan was and is still not going for this, concerned that he's going to be cold at night (he's smart, because it does sound uncomfortable). We are going to try out some probiotics before we go down the steroid road.

Our long, lanky boy is healthy and strong, growing right on track (despite his continued finickiness at the dinner table). He still drives me insane with back talk, attitude and tantrums, but I guess that's how it still goes with preschoolers (it's no wonder why I have gray hair). His second preschool parent-teacher conference is later this week and I can't wait for that!

Meet Rex

Not long after we had to put Buddha down, there was talk about getting another dog. I was very reluctant for many reasons. First, Buddha's loss was hard for me. Even though towards the end of his days we weren't the best of pals, he was our first dog from the very first day that Bill and I moved into our apartment together. I think about him and still get choked up (and still teary now as I write about him).

Then there was the fact that having a dog is a big responsibility. We now have two kids and I knew that I was going to be the one to take care of the new dog most of the time - house training, stopping them from chewing on Carter's toys, all in between diaper changes and preschool.

Bill had been in a funk and we thought that getting a dog would be something to help get him out. Not only that, but Logan CONSTANTLY talked about getting a dog. Last week as he sat on the couch watching cartoons, he turned to me and said, "Mom, I really love the dog we don't have yet." Yeah, that was a big motivator.

Bill had been looking through pet ads and animal rescue listings daily. We had talked about it for weeks, maybe even months - about what type of dog, the age of the dog and so forth. One day he came across an ad on Craigslist for some 8 week old Dorgis (Dachshund-Corgi mixes) that a college vet student had as an accident litter from her roommates intact dog. They were cute, they were small and just the kind of dog we were looking for.

We took the boys with us after Bill got home from work to see if they liked them and see how friendly the litter was. Logan fell in love instantly, Carter, not so much. We let Logan pick the one he wanted; a small and precious little girl pup who was sweeter than any dog we've had. He wanted to name her "Rex", as in "T-Rex", even though she was a girl. Sure, whatever.

We brought her home and she took an instant liking to me (probably because I'm a mom and I knew exactly what she needed. It was just that mom instinct). She was a bit clingy and needy, wanting to be held and cuddled, but you couldn't blame her since she was just a baby with a new family on her first day. As the weekend progressed, she was quick to house-train and soon felt right at home. And Carter finally warmed up to her and accepted her as part of the family.

She follows us around the house, cuddles with Bill on the couch at night and runs around with Logan in the back yard, bouncing in the snow like a little bunny. She sleeps on my feet when I work on the laptop and is just way too cute for words. Here, see for yourself...

Getaway Guilt

For the first time in four years, since we've been parents, Bill and I left the kids at home with a sitter and we spent the night in Denver. We had been talking about doing this for a while, but the problem always came down to finding a sitter. Well, my friend and training client talked about doing trades for overnight babysitting a few months ago. I was game. As long as I could bring my laptop so I could work when her kids were asleep, it would be a piece of cake.

Once the date was set, we got a hook up for our hotel room and I started looking for fancy-pants restaurants to go to. Everything was set and the night we were leaving I started dinner and bedtime routines just before my friend came over.

And Carter started to get a fever.

I had so much guilt and didn't know what to do. We had these plans in place, had been looking forward to this night for so long, my friend was on her way and now Carter was crashing. He only had a low-grade fever, but still. A freakin' fever.

My friend arrived and I told her what was up. Having more experience in child care than most people (it's her business) she said that it was cool and told me not to worry. We made a deal - if he started puking, then I'd owe her a weekend (what an awesome friend she is!)

It took me the whole drive to Denver to shake that guilt from not only leaving the kids for a night for the first time, but leaving my toddler sick. I knew they were in great hands, but ugh...mom guilt is insane. Once we got to the hotel though, everything was fine and we were ready to have fun.

After discovering that I left my toothbrush at home and waiting a ridiculous amount of time for room service to bring one up for me, we left the hotel too late to eat diner at any of the amazing restaurants that I wanted to try. We walked around the corner from the hotel and found a recommended spot - that was a sports grill. As a food writer, I opened the menu and my heart broke. Burgers, fries and the Nuggets game on flat screen TV's when I was looking forward to white table cloths and duck confit.

At first I was so upset I was getting angry. I felt a bit cheated. But, I got a martini, thought "what the hell, we're out and no matter what, we'll have fun." Bill suggested a menu item, I got it and we did in fact, have fun.

After dinner we took a carriage ride around the 16th street mall and Larimer Square. It was fun and we chatted up the driver while shivering in the cold. We went bar hopping all over, and went to a few clubs. We had an amazing, fun, wild time. Our night ended up being our own version of The Hangover, but rather than missing teeth, random babies and a tiger in the bathroom; I had my wallet and phone stolen and a mysterious gigantic bruise on my knee. I guess shots of Patron will do that.

We picked up the pieces, canceling our credit/debit cards, bank accounts and putting a security shutdown on my phone. We drove home laughing about what had transpired. It was only a $30-something loss from the thief filling up their gas tank at a gas station. No harm done, really. And I got to upgrade my phone to a Blackberry (something I really needed now that writing is taking off).

We got home and the kids were fine. Logan, who I was never really worried about because he can pretty much take care of himself, did very well. Carter was even fine, despite not feeling well (and never threw up). We hung out and cuddled with the boys, watched TV and laughed about our night out. It was a great one night getaway...even if I don't recall the last half.

Now we'll see how much getaway guilt I have when we go to Vegas for the weekend. And hopefully I won't find a tiger in the bathroom.

For Everything There is a Season

While waiting for my Pad Thai at one of the Thai restaurants in town that I was reviewing, my friend and I sat there talking about marriage and the troubles we've been through. This was during the time that Bill was away for business in Europe and we were trying to get back on track after a rough couple of months. My friend had shared that she and her husband went through a period of separation and made the comment that every relationship goes through winter, or something like that.

That analogy struck a cord with me.

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I am an observer of patterns. I often talk about the "pendulum" pattern: when good times turn bad, it will always become good again at some point. Nothing stays the same, there's a yin and yang to every part of life, ebb and flow, even in relationships and especially marriage. A season of winter made so much sense.

The turbulent months that we had gone through, mostly from about October/November to the end of January, wasn't because of something that someone was doing or not doing, it wasn't due to a lack of honesty (frankly, those months were the most honest in almost all of our marriage), it wasn't due to crisis. In fact, we had been in crisis mode for years, trying to survive during financial hardships, lawsuits, job changes and in-law problems. While life may not always be peachy keen, it's the best it's ever been and we aren't in crisis mode any longer. It's been an adjustment. We made a good team when confronted with the problems life threw at us, but when in calm waters, we had almost nothing in common. Bill made the comment that he wished we were broke again or facing some kind of traumatic life change, because those were the moments we really supported one another. Those were the times we connected.

This right now was winter.

Our relationship was dull, dead, gray and cold. There was no passion, no excitement, nothing. I had many aspects in my life that gave me a sense of self and purpose; I had MOMS Club, personal training, writing group, my work as a food writer, nights out with my friends and taking care of the boys. My life was full of a variety of interests and activities, always packed with fun and excitement, but none of it included Bill. He had work and a dying interest in disc golf. He was lost and being so made it even harder for us to find each other in his fog. However, there was still that deep soul-binding connection that wouldn't let us give up (as much as we told each other that we didn't know what to do) and to try as hard as we could to figure out a way to last until Spring.

We had a marriage counseling session before Bill left for his long business trip. I expressed my deepest fear of that when Bill was on his own halfway around the world for so long, he would realize life was better without "us" and would want a divorce. We had talked about this together prior to the session, and he assured me then in that room, as he did during our conversations at home, that he wouldn't do that. He was in this for the long haul and would do anything to get us back to a better place.

Our counselor reassured me that Bill has tried and continues to try harder than any husband she's worked with before. She also reminded us that despite how we felt, we were in a very lucky spot - trying to improve our relationship to make it amazing rather than healing from trauma. Now that we weren't trying to figure our way out of a problem, we were in the fortunate position to think about fun things to do, together and as a family, that we could find a common interest in - vacations, activities, things we've always wanted to do but were never able to do in the past. It was suggested that Bill come up with a bucket list and find things that he would love to do individually, activities that would give him a sense of self and spark his passions in life.

It was the day before Bill left on his trip that we both felt that change for the better. We had been working on communication and rekindling that spark. The timing of his trip was terrible because we wanted so desperately to keep on this without an almost 20 day break. However, that break only made us want to work on our marriage even harder.

It was an eye-opening experience for both of us. That trip ended up being similar to a separation, showing us for a brief moment what life would be like without each other, how much the kids would be effected, and really, how much love we had for one another. Our relationship was completely different upon his return.

It was Spring.

He's been back for only a few weeks and the honeymoon phase has passed, but we are still on good ground. He's sent me flowers from work, we email loves notes to one another and both make an effort to support each other's individual passions. He's been more supportive in my food writing endeavors, attending event dinners that he'd rather not, and buying me books to hone my skills. I've been open to him taking a few hours for himself every week this summer to try out fly fishing and a few weekend camping trips with his friends. We have even thought about trying Krav Maga together as a shared interest (we've yet to sign up). We are working to find that balance of family, marriage and self for each other.

We spent a night in Denver away from the kids, the first night we've ever had to ourselves since we've been parents (this totally merits it own post). On our drive home after a wild and crazy night on the town, it was re-confirmed that Bill is my best friend in the entire world. No matter what insanity we go through, he's there with me picking up the pieces and assures me that there's "no harm done" despite my stupid antics. I understood why I try so hard in our marriage to keep this relationship. It's so easy for me to cast someone in my life to the side or abandon them altogether (whatever the reason may be), but Bill is the only person I've ever fought tooth and nail for, tried with all my might and soul. My love for him is so deep.

It's important for me to remember this season of winter we lived through, to understand that at some point we will go through summer and autumn and find ourselves cycled in the cold and darkness of winter again. Life is never perfect and it always changes. For everything there is a season.

Logan's 4th birthday

It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years since the day that Logan was born and our life changed instantly. I feel like at this point in motherhood, I've hit my stride. I'm not saying it's easy, but we're in a groove and even with the now 4-year old back talk (that drives me NUTS) we've got a pretty good handle on things.

It's about time because the last 4 years have been some of the most challenging, most rewarding, most mind-numbing, most fun years I've had in my life. A mixed bag for sure.

We celebrated Logan's birthday with a huge dinosaur-themed party with his friends. This was the first year that we organized games and activities and lunch, rather than just hosting a playtime with snacks and cupcakes. 4 year old's have "real" birthday parties. So, invitations were sent to 20 of his friends and their parents and siblings came along with. We hosted here at home and had close to 40 people in our house. I made cupcakes (the same vegan chocolate cupcakes with butter cream frosting that I always make for birthdays) with orange frosting because that's Logan's favorite color, then we ordered about 10 pizzas and had both a fruit and vegetable tray.


Everyone hung around for a while eating lunch and chatting. We're lucky that even though it was a full house, we have enough room to host such a big party without everyone stepping on each other. There were people in the front room, people in the living room, people in the kitchen and people in the playroom. It was full and fun!


After we ate, we all gathered in the playroom for a few games. Because this was a dinosaur-themed party, we had a dino dig. Ideally, this would have been done outside in the sand, digging for fossils. But, it's winter, it's cold and snowy and going outside was not an option. I filled Easter eggs with miniature dinosaurs that I found at a party store and put them in an inflatable baby pool and covered them with balls from the ball pit we have. The kids thought it was a blast to jump in and dig for eggs, then announce what dinosaurs they found.


While the kids were patiently waiting for their turn, we had an art corner (that the kids had been at the whole time at the party) where they could color their own T-Rex cut out. The girls especially liked this activity.


Lastly, we had a pinata. We never found a dinosaur pinata, but Logan had his heart set on getting one, so he picked out a Spider Man pinata. He really wanted this Spider Man pinata, claiming that Spider Man is cool because he goes to the bank to wrestle with bad guys. I gasped at the $20 cost of a dumb pinata to which Logan repeated back to Bill later that day, "Dad, we got a Spider Man pinata! It's $20!"

Filled with miniature candy bars, the kids took turns pulling the strings on the pinata to open the trap door (which is much better than handing a bat to a bunch of riled-up 4 year olds). Logan got to go first and it took about 3 or 5 kids to finally get it pulled open with candy falling on top of their heads. They loved it.

After the short sugar rush, we all went into the kitchen where we sang happy birthday to Logan. It was a moving moment for me to hear because there were so many people. I felt so fortunate to have so many friends celebrate Logan's birthday with us. All of these friends have been a part of our lives for years since we've moved to our town, seeing them many times a week - at playgroups, preschool, and around town at activities.

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Even though we weren't planning on it, Logan opened his presents at the party. I think we all think that's the most boring part about a kids' party - but I couldn't be the party Nazi and tell him "No, you can't open your presents." Lame-o mom, I would be. He opened presents that were super cool dinosaur books, awesome cars, and everything a 4 year old boy would love. Afterward, Logan and Carter played with them all together. So cute!

All of the kids left with gift "buckets" - small sandbox pails with shovels (for digging for dinosaurs), a growing dinosaur that increases in size when soaking in water, and a wooden dinosaur puzzle or maze that they can color and it will last longer than other cheap gift bag items. And tons of candy from the pinata too.

The party was a smashing success and not nearly as crazy as I thought it would be. I told Bill that I hope it's a birthday that Logan remembers, not because I was up cleaning the house until 1am the night before, or spending so much time putting it all together - but I hoped he remembered it because it was fun. It was happy. It was awesome.

Where our life was different for a month and could have been different forever

These weeks in January had us living our lives differently more than any other time before. Bill's official title at work is "Business Development Executive" and this title comes with business trips. In the last year he would go to places in the US - New York, California, sometimes somewhere up in Canada and I think Mexico once. These trips are typically short, a few days, never more than five and they are sporadic, having him away every few months or so.

January, however, left us separated for almost the entire month. This was by far the longest he had ever been away and the farthest he's ever traveled. He handles their International accounts, so after a week in Vegas, he was off to London, Oslo, Frankfurt, Hoegaarden and Brussels.

Being used to business trips, I knew I'd be able to handle things on my own here at home. With our busy schedule, we'd continue our days of preschool, playgroups, activities and training at the gym. I have an amazing group of friends and network here, so I really wouldn't be on my own all the time.

Logan, being older, understood more than ever what a business trip was and handled it very well. He was interested in all of the places around the world and was curious about the countries his Dad was visiting. So, we bought a large wall map and every day that Bill was in a new country, we put a tack on the map. He actually started to name the cities Bill was in. While Logan talked about missing his Dad and wished for him to be home, understanding where he was made the month so easy and exciting for him.


Not only did Logan have a chance to learn a bit about geography to help him during this time away, but we skyped with Bill as often as we could when we found a moment in the afternoon (which was late at night on his side of the world). The boys both thought this was hysterical, Logan dancing around and Carter waving excitedly. It was cute.

After three days of Bill being away, it started to get old. The kids were great, no massive tantrums or acting out because of the change. They were as perfect as they could be. And Logan? He had some kind of attitude adjustment, being considerate, listening to directions and mostly agreeable, more than he's ever been in his life. It was awesome. But still, it wasn't the same with Bill gone.

And then halfway through the month, the kids got sick and we had to stay at home for days. Logan missed a day of school, Carter missed playgroup, we missed a birthday party, training at the gym and all of the activities we had planned. The total isolation along with the unrelenting effort of being on my own caused me to breakdown in tears all day last Saturday. Carter was missing his Dad as well, clearly upset as he walked around the house pointing to all of the family pictures we have on the walls and then pointing to the front door, wishing his Dad would come home. This broke my heart. It only made me cry more that day. We also had a quick moment to talk with Bill on skype on this day, which ended up being a terrible idea. I just sobbed, Carter cried and Bill talked to Logan about giving me more hugs when I was upset. It was a mess.

The next day my lovely, lifesaving friends came to my rescue. We had a play date in the morning where the boys had a great time playing, Logan chatting up a storm since he had been stuck inside too and a chance to get some adult conversation for me as well. Another friend offered to watch the boys for a few hours later that afternoon while I got a break and had some time to myself. I walked around the mall with a coffee in hand and a moment to breath. This recharged my batteries, leaving me feeling like a brand new person the next day and able to keep on single parenting for another week without feeling so dragged down.

Near the end of Bill's trip he let me know that there was a possibility (a very real chance) that we might be relocated...to Cork, Ireland. His company is beginning to move Internationally and will build and office there this year as well as in China. I thought about moving the kids to a new country halfway around the world, away from all of our friends, our support system, my work as a food writer and everything that we have built in the years we've lived in our town. We have it made here and life is wonderful. It made my stomach drop to think about leaving it all, but on the flip side, it would be a great adventure and we'd be away from the in-laws (which would be the BEST OUTCOME EVER).

After almost 20 days away, Bill came home late Wednesday night. In the 10 plus years we've been married, I'd never been so excited to see him. It was similar to the feelings we had while dating. I missed him so much and our family just didn't feel right being split like we were for so long. The boys were in bed when he got home and the hugs and kisses after he walked through the door were surreal. Tired from being up for 24 hours due to meetings and traveling back to the US, still, one of the first things he talked about was our potential move to Ireland.

After much though on his travels away, he withdrew his name from the opportunity. It was shocking to me considering the fact that I had been mentally preparing myself for this big change, a huge upheaval for our family, when it sounded like it was almost certain. The next morning at work, they had meetings about the next steps to take Internationally and made the decision on who would move to Ireland since it wasn't us.

Our lives were very different for many weeks this month, giving us a chance to think about many things (and believe me, there will be a lengthy post about our marriage). Our family was this close to being turned upside down and all around. An interesting January, for sure. The rest of the remaining weeks we get back to normal, but now it's the beginning of a new normal. A better normal.

What's up, Buttercup?

Ooooo, boy! Do I have a lot to write about. There are quite a few newsworthy posts lined up, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to write about them yet. Sad, isn't it!? After weeks (months) of being too busy to really write on here or lacking the motivation to come up with something readable, now I have BIG NEWS and have to keep my mouth shut. Next week, my friends, next week.

Starting 2010 with the Plague

I had all of these fantastic plans for New Year's Eve, New Year's Day; goals to work on in January and even try to get back to my regular posting schedule here. And you know what happened? Since the night of December 29th, I've been fighting a slow death from every germ possible. The flu, a sinus infection, pink-eye (which the boys had too), an upper-respiratory infection, an ear infection, exacerbation of my asthma and a sore throat with lymph-nodes bigger than Texas. For days I lost my sense of smell and taste. Basically, it feels like I had the Plague.

The worst of it happened around the end of December. I missed a New Year's Eve party that I had been looking forward to. I stayed home and attempted recovery before Bill left on a business trip. I slowly got better, taking two steps forward only to take two steps back the next day. It's been relentless. When Bill was in Vegas for a convention, I held down the fort and pretended that I was healthy. It's like trying to type with a few fingers missing. Sure, you can do it, but it's definitely "off".

I keep thinking I'm in the clear and that the next day is going to be better. I am SO BEHIND in my work, unable to eat at restaurants for reviews, too sick to get advertising contracts renewed, and so forth. It's been rough being a work-at-home mom being the only person who takes care of business and kids while sick. There is nobody to call to take over. Nobody to cover a shift, no sub to come and take care of the kids. Just keep on keepin' on. Which is why I'm probably still a little sick.

So, the end of year review that I write on the 30th of December or the 1st of January? Yeah, that's getting published mid-month. I just hope I get caught up before Logan's birthday at the end of the month!

I do it because...

We had yet another counseling session with Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju. From the last session, we decided to agree on weekly phone calls with Logan and 2 one hour meetings at a public place (the mall play area) where they could see the kids. We followed through on the agreements until Grandma L made the guilt trip comment to Logan and I couldn't handle the stress of weekly calls any more. Bill stopped the calls altogether until we could talk about it in this session.

Bill and I met in the parking lot and waited together in my car because we were a bit early. I had been having not only a rough day because of all of this, but a rough week or so because of Bill. Since his return from New York, I had been sick to my stomach from stress and anxiety almost 24/7. So, adding this little hour of happiness was just the cherry on top of a big crap sundae. I was not excited to be there and I told Bill that I wanted to wait in the car for as long as we could, because I couldn't handle waiting in the small waiting room again while they happily chatted about dumb stuff while I was angry with how things have been going down.

Of course, I was ignored. And why nobody has yet to figure out that I'm not one to be ignored, that if you don't take what I have to say with consideration, I will get louder and louder until I am heard. So, there were words before going in. And that just made the situation even worse because I was pissed beyond pissed. I was livid.

We walk in and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju say hi as if nothing is wrong. I tell them that I'm angry and would rather not pretend with niceties at this point. I was angry with the guilt trip in the last phone call and we would talk about it in the session. Then Aunt Ju-Ju opens her big mouth and we have words - many of them. Her manipulative, bitchy, button-pushing self showed through, saying that the apologies they gave last session were insincere, that she was sorry her brother is married to me and on, and on, and on. I wanted to leave. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to call her every horrible name that I think she is. But I stayed. I stayed because...

We go into the session and right away Aunt Ju-Ju starts off with her bitchy attitude, stirring the pot. I turned and said that she was not helpful in anyway and that she has been nothing but a catalyst towards destruction in this whole situation. The counselor then asked both Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L to leave while she talked to just Bill and I. Clearly, we were not on the same page, we haven't been for some time and this whole in-law insanity is just a driving wedge. Again.

She tried to get us back on track, talking to Bill about listening to me when I have concerns and about me letting Bill scale the severity of the situation, because the in-laws cause me such anxiety and stress that I'm hypervigilant. Then, because of how I feel around them, she thought it would be best if I went out in the waiting room when they came back in. She would express to Aunt Ju-Ju how important it is that she not divide the situation and to Grandma L that anything that sounds like guilt is not OK right now.

After the three of them had their time, and Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju left, Bill and I sat in again to go over what had transpired. All day I had been feeling bottled up and needed an emotional release - I needed a deep cry. I was at my breaking point and just heaved heavy, soul wrenching sobs. Every cell in my body unleashed the sadness.

After a while, we wrapped up. The counselor really tried to get Bill to understand that I do this because I love him, that I keep trying the best I can in this situation because of love.

And I'm on my way to work on post-traumatic stress disorder in the New Year.

My sweet baby

Carter is such a sweet little guy. He is more of a cuddle kid, even though he is busy running around at times. As busy as he gets, playing with dinosaurs and cars with Logan or sitting at the book shelf reading his board books, he still takes the time - many times a day - to come over and give hugs. He wraps his little arms around our legs and gives us the most precious baby hugs. I love it!

When I get him in his car seat, he immediately reaches for his blanket that I keep in the car (both kids have blankets during the winter). He holds it up, says "et" or "ish" for blanket, smiles and then cuddles with it by his face and says "awww". IT IS SO CUTE! I can hardly stand it.

Oh, what a sweet, sweet baby he is!

The best month of December and Christmas EVER

So there's been a lot of celebrating over here with the biggest holiday season upon us. First, there was Bill's company Christmas Party. Unlike other people who may dread these parties, we absolutely love and look forward to the company party every year. Bill works with a great group of people and it makes the night even more fun. We've been to three Christmas parties for the company and every year it gets bigger and better. The food is delicious, the open bar is fantastic (and I would never want to see that bill!) and there are always tears of gratitude from many people during speeches and award ceremonies.


The boys were at home with a sitter and Bill's boss/co-worker's two kids. They had a pizza pajama party and enjoyed every minute. While we ate, drank and mingled, they jumped off couches and ran around the house screaming to their delight. We got a ride home from the limo/party bus service the Company provided so everyone could get home safely.

Then there was Logan's preschool Christmas program. As I mentioned, he was the kid in the class who didn't want to sing. Granted, he wasn't the biggest Grinch in the class, one of his other classmates had his arms crossed with a very angry scowl on his face. But, nevertheless, Logan looked like he was too cool for school. He must get it from his Father. During the "Jingle Bells" song, Logan's friend turns to him and tells him to sing. To which Logan Logan shakes his head and adamantly says "NO". It's hilarious.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

After that, we had our Annual MOMS Club Holiday Potluck. It started out as a rough night. Bill had been out of town for the week on business and just as I was unloading the groceries from the car, the LDS missionaries came up the driveway and tried convincing me to come back to church for 15 minutes (again). Not wanting to be a jerk to them, I nicely told them why I wasn't only to get blank stares of disbelief and empty apologies. This whole event caused me to be late in getting dinner ready, which caused me to be late to the party. I was the only one who had the keys to get in. So getting there, by myself with the kids, was a complete nightmare. But, once we did, it was the best party our chapter has had yet. We had a White Elephant Exchange, a large potluck and lots of laughs and conversation. There were 25 families, about 100 people including kids and husbands and a lot of fun.

That night Bill came home from his business trip to New York. He came back with a ton of pictures to share (from the new camera we bought because I need one here at home for restaurant reviews while he's gone), presents for the boys and a Christmas present for me. A huge diamond necklace that made my jaw drop. I've wanted a necklace for a while and it just wasn't possible in the past. Bill has been doing very well at work this year so we've been by the jewelry store a few times to look. While in New York, he did some negotiating in the Diamond District and came home with a necklace that I never expected to have. I LOVE IT! And I'm thankful he couldn't wait to give it to me so I could start wearing it early.


Next, we took the kids to see Santa downtown (there are two in town - one in the mall and one downtown. The downtown Santa is more authentic and better). Logan was so excited, Carter, not so much. While we waited for our turn, Logan kept dancing around, poking his head through the curtain (it's in a cute wooden cabin) and asking when we would be able to sit on Santa's lap. Finally it was our turn, and this guy was a pro. He knew right away that Carter wasn't going for it, just by the look on his face. He had instructions for me - how to sit with Carter and where while Logan sat on the other side listing his Christmas wants - dinosaurs, race cars, flutes and guitars. It was a well organized process (almost too organized, but I guess you have to be when dealing with thousands of kids every day) and we got the excited squeals of an almost 4 year old in return.


A few days later I got an email from Bill saying that we should go look for a new car that night. We have been a one-car-family for years, even before kids. It's worked for us and our trusty Outback has been a great car with minimal problems. With Bill traveling and our family growing, it has been more of a necessity to have a second car. We had been discussing buying another in the spring. But, we only had a few payments left on our old car and were ready to get another now.

We went and test drove a Nissan that we didn't like and decided that we are a Subaru family through and through. We drove straight to another dealership, found a car that we love and bought it the next day. I LOVE IT! It snowed quite a bit the day after we got the new Subaru and it did great - smooth, easy to control, no sliding and very warm (seat warmers!). Bill is now driving the old Outback and the kids and I get to take the new one. So, I guess I got a new car for Christmas too!


Then - Christmas Eve. Wow. First we woke up and hung out for a while, drinking coffee and making Christmas Tree Cookies. After Carter woke up from his nap, we all went sledding. This was the first time Logan had ever been and he was thrilled - and fearless. Both he and Bill went down the hill many times with Logan having the biggest smile on his face. He would tuck himself into a little ball every time he would go down, increasing his speed and flying off the small ramp that someone had build on the hill. Carter was not a fan of being out in the cold, despite being bundled up in a snow suit. He was too small to go down the fast hill, so I would pull him around the flat parts of the park, with him crying most of the time. I eventually got him back in the car, warm and listening to Christmas music while Logan and Bill went dare devil sledding.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We came back to eat dinner - a beef tenderloin that was good (but a bit too rare for our liking). It was hard to get the kids to eat because they were so excited to open presents. After much prodding, we finally gave in and let them go at it. There was wrapping paper everywhere as Logan searched under the tree for presents with his name on them. Carter mostly wanted to play with bows and the presents that Logan opened. They had an absolute blast this year and we all made out like bandits.


Christmas morning has been spent lounging around in our pajamas, eating sausage-hash brown casserole, watching Christmas movies and playing with toys. It's been a great year and the best Christmas EVER!

He doesn't really care

When we first enrolled Logan in preschool, I was curious as to what the future might hold when it came to religious discussions with a three year old. Being agnostic and Logan going to a Christian preschool, I wondered what questions he might have about prayer and Jesus and how I might go about explaining that on his level of understanding.

I know that everyday they sing "prayers" in class (they are merely happy songs and not traditional prayers) and I've asked him to sing them for me. Which he won't. I've asked him to repeat some of the things from school. He doesn't. I've never asked him for his thoughts on Jesus, Church or prayer, waiting to see if he is even interested in the topic.

Today he had his preschool Christmas program and they've been learning about the "real" meaning of Christmas all week in preparation for the program. They sang about the Christmas star and Baby Jesus. Logan didn't sing at all (which is for a different post with video where you can watch his stone-faced glare at me). After the program, as always, I asked him what he learned. Again, he's never talked about anything affiliated with religion.

Despite him being softly introduced to the concept of religious beliefs, I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't care. I don't see him asking who Jesus is or asking to say a prayer at the table any time soon.

Christmas traditions

Ever since starting our family, it has been exceedingly imperative to me that we create our own holiday traditions. Maybe this stems from my childhood and remembering my mom working almost every holiday, shortening the celebration to only a few moments. It's possible that I feel this way because the very few happy memories that I have from that time in my life are of special holiday moments, like the insane amounts of holiday baking she would do from scratch for presents - cookies, colored popcorn balls, fudge and bars - all of them excessively delicious. I'm almost certain that creating our own traditions is to help me feel that our family is normal in an extraordinarily abnormal reality.

We haven't started many traditions yet since the boys are still very young and each year we add more to our list. This year we will probably go look at Christmas lights, maybe a horse-drawn carriage ride downtown on Christmas Eve, depending on how cold it is. We have always donned them in Christmas pajamas to go to bed in on Christmas Eve and we bake cookies. There is one kind in particular that I can say is our family's traditional holiday cookie - White Chocolate Pistachio Butter Cookies. It's a recipe that I've created myself, but is not totally genius - it just makes sense.

After a particularly rough night, kids screaming and fighting, my patience thin and Bill on a business trip, I needed to make cookies for Logan's preschool program. I got Carter to bed and had Logan help me out with the project. His disagreeable disposition changed drastically as I was getting the kitchen ready for baking. He was so excited, pulling up his wooden step stool, helping me flour the counter and cutting out pine tree-shaped cookies, just like he does with his Play-Doh. He snuck bites of crushed pistachios and smiled as I painted each cookie to dip in the nuts, telling me to be careful every time I burnt my fingers with melted white chocolate. Covered in flour from chin, arms and chest, he grabbed me around my waist. "Mom, guess what?" he asked. "What?" I replied. "I love you" he said from the bottom of his almost 4 year old heart.


White Chocolate Pistachio Butter Cookies, also known as "Christmas Trees"

2 sticks of unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 tea spoon salt
1 large egg yolk
1 large egg
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1 bag white chocolate chips
1 bag shelled pistachios

Have all ingredients at room temperature (68-70 degrees). In a large bowl, beat the butter, sugar and salt on medium speed until very fluffy and well-blended. Add the egg yolk and beat until well blended. Add the egg and vanilla and beat until well combined. Reduce the speed and slowly add the flour just until combined.

Dived the dough in half and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate until firm, at least 1 hour.

Pre-heat oven to 375. Place the shelled pistachios in a sandwich bag and crush to desired consistency (I like mine moderately crushed, not too fine, but not too whole). Empty crushed nuts onto a plate.

Take one disc of dough and roll out on a floured counter top. Cut the dough into tree shapes and place on a greased cookie sheet. Bake for 6 to 8 minutes or until edges are barely golden brown. Using a thin-bladed spatula, transfer the cookies to a baking rack to cool.

On the stove top, melt the white chocolate (my preferred method is a double boiler). Stir chocolate until it is smooth and shiny. Remove from stove top.

With a silicone basting brush, paint one cookie with the melted white chocolate and then dip onto the plate of pistachios, covering the chocolate almost completely. Repeat with each cookie. Transfer to an air-tight container.

Yields 2 dozen cookies

Our life in pictures

Some almost 4 year old has sticky fingers from sneaking pumpkin pie.

Playing at a friends house during Thanksgiving break.

Sunday morning cuddle time in our bed watching cartoons.

Carter now wants to walk around with binki's and blankets all of the time, sneaking them out of his room (the only place he can have pacifiers). And it's pretty cute.

Carter is now forward-facing with Logan! He loves it.

I will have lots of time to catch up next week and pretty much the whole month of January - I might even get back to posting daily (don't hold your breath).