Monday, July 31, 2006

Six months old

Dear Logan,

Our time together has flown by so fast. It seems like yesterday that I was still pregnant & waiting for you to come out & join the family. You were easy to get along with from the beginning, with Mr. Fussy Fuss making minimal visits. I'm quite lucky to have a son like you.

You have undoubtedly changed my life. For the better. I've never loved anyone so much before. Your smile, the twinkle in your eyes, our silly play time with your addicting excitement...all make me so happy. I love being with you all day singing songs, reading books & watching you play on the floor, discovering new things about yourself & the world.

I love all of our new experiences together. You love being outside, which is great considering that your Dad & I love to be out there too. You have no fear, willing to try anything once & meeting everyone with a smile. You are a really friendly little guy that everyone loves to pieces.

I am often overwhelmed with love for you. There are times that I read you a bed time story, or sing & rock you to sleep while getting choked up. I think I will always be like this now. I never used to cry before, but I'm so happy I can't help it.

I have so many favorite times with you. I love waking up with you next to me in the morning. You wake up at about 6:00 am to eat, then sleep in with me for a little bit longer. You wake me up by kicking the sheets off, rolling over & playing with my face. I open my eyes & you get the biggest smile on your face. It's so cute.

You love to eat your new foods. Your favorites are bananas & oatmeal mixed with apple juice. If I'm not fast enough, you let me know by grunting. Sometimes you get distracted by Buddha watching you eat. You stop for a minute to smile & say hi to him. Then it's back to showing him how you can eat again.

I love playing with you & making you laugh. We laugh together everyday, even if I have to find new & creative ways to entertain you. It is so much fun to have you sit on my lap while we pat & call the cat & dog over. There we are, both patting my leg. I calling, "come here Buddha, come here Kitty" & you laugh. You love them so much.

You love your bath at night, splashing & kicking, making me hide behind the shower curtain. Now that your Dad has been able to come home earlier, he loves to be the one getting drenched. After your bath with Dad, I get you dressed in you pajamas & read you a story in the rocking chair. You sit quietly, helping me turn the pages. When we're finished, I sing you a few songs, always finishing with your special song. Logan's Lullaby. You know that this is the last song of the night & snuggle in close to me. It is such a special time for us.

Your Dad & I love you so much. We love being with you & our life as a family. We both say to each other how perfect you are & how happy you've made us. Always remember, You are cute. You are sweet. You are smart. You are strong. You are loved & you are special.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Looking for a new place to live.
It's been hard. For the last few days I've been scouring property management sites, craigslist, the classifieds & sending our family out around the town to see if it's worth a look. We were up there again this weekend for Bill's sisters baby shower & before we went, we checked out a couple of houses. We're looking to rent until we get a good idea of the area & see what the new gym has in store for Bill. I hate renting. Especially in this college town.

College kids are freakin' dirty. Every house we walked in, I made sure to not touch anything. It was that gross. In one house (the one Bill liked the best), there were three or four kids passed out, Nag Champa attempting to cover up the illegal ongoings of the early morning & it looked like it had never been cleaned once since moving in. It was an interesting showing, to say the least.

I have a list of 9 more places to look at on Wednesday when we make another trip. This is when we need to make a final decision. I hope to God we find something respectfully nice. I'm having a hard time mentally, not comparing these places with our house now. I really have to lower my expectations. We did find a place that I totally love, with everything that I'm asking for (3 or more bedrooms, 2 or more bathrooms & hardwood floors) but it's $300 more than our budget. I may have to see if I can sell Bill on the idea of $300 not being that much more. I doubt it though.

After the discouraging showings, we went to the shower. The air conditioner wasn't working that well so it was cooler outside at 100 degrees than it was inside with 30 to 40 warm bodies sitting around. Other than the heat, it was fun. Bill's sister didn't get many clothes & didn't have doubles either.

I had been having major anxiety about Bill's mom abducting Logan again & dealing with the same kind of crap like I did on vacation. I talked to Bill about it, again. "This is between the two of you", he says. I was going to email her but after reading the email, I decided not to send it. It would've started a family feud. So then I talked to her the day before the shower. "Logan's going to be hanging out on my lap at the shower. He's been fussy because of teething". She said she understood.

I held onto Logan the whole time (with the exception of another grabby grandma that I hardly know taking him away for a minute before I took him back). He was so perfect the entire time. He didn't cry at all, all of the loud strangers didn't bother him & he met another 4 & a half month old baby that he loved playing with. Obviously, Logan wasn't teething & was far from grumpy. Bill's mom ended up abducting a one month old from a friend of Bill's sister. She held onto that baby for so long that the 2 year old older brother was worried about where his baby sister was. The mom had to bring him over to Bill's mom, showing him that his little sister was ok.

There were a couple of times during the day (before the shower) where Bill's mom ran over, loudly clapping "Come to grandma" when Logan made a noise. The first time she did this to me, Logan made a peep not more than a minute later & I was up taking him back. I think she got the point because when she did it again, she did it with Bill. I think her trying to take over is coming to an end. We'll see what happens later this week when we go back again.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The hunt for baby shower gifts.
Today Bill, Logan & I did some shopping. It's Bills' day off & we needed to go get some things for his sisters baby shower this weekend. The girl is having three different showers. One from her "husbands" (they are common law married, we guess) side of the family, one from her co-workers & then another one from other friends & Bills' side of the family. The one this weekend...50 + people are expected to attend. Yeah. She's never going to have to buy anything for the baby. Ever.

I've been trying to think of things to get for her that no one else would think to buy. She most definitely does not need any more clothes. A friend of hers gave her a huge box & then she has two garbage bags full from us. We joked that she would never have to do laundry. It's probably true.

So I've been thinking about the products that we use regularly & absolutely love. When Logan was born, my Aunt & cousins sent a "baby shower in a box"(thanks again family!). The best present ever? Cloth diapers. This is by far the most used item in our house. They were a God sent burp cloth when Logan would spit up exorcist style due to my fast let-down. When that whole situation resolved, they were great at catching drool & something for Logan to chew on. I've used them as diapers when Logan needed some "airing out" time. When he's in the car seat & doing "binky tricks", I use one to prop under his chin to keep it in his mouth. I use one as a napkin on his lap in addition to his bib when he eats breakfast & lunch. They've become a soother "blanket" for him too. If he's in the car seat or in his swing, I place it over his chest & up by his cheek. He grabs it, rubs his face in it to snuggle & falls asleep...instantly. This was the first thing on my list to buy for her.

Then after Logan had been home for a couple of days, his skin was a little dry & he was starting to get cradle cap. It's not uncommon living in the mile-high dry climate of Colorado. There were all sorts of home remedies, one of them being olive oil. I liked the idea, but not the smell. So we bought Burts Bees Apricot Oil. It totally did the trick. Not only was Logans skin soft, but he smelled so good. We got her a bottle of this too.

In the never ending task of diaper changing, there are a ton of great products. I didn't want to get her a pack of diapers because I've found that diapers are like jeans. They fit every baby differently. I have found the most awesome wipes though. Lansinoh Clean & Condition Cloths are so soft & they help protect against diaper rash. Logan never has had a really bad rash because we use these.

The other never ending baby task? Feeding. Boiling water to sterilize bottles & such is the biggest pain in the butt. We found some micro-steam bags that make cleaning really easy. I love them & use them every morning after pumping milk to mix with Logans rice cereal.

The one thing I really wanted to get, but has been impossible to find, is the book "Why Babies Do That" by Jennifer Margulis. I've read great reviews on it & sounds like a wonderful, fun book for the first time parent. I mainly wanted to get it for her husband because he's riddled with worry & has been the entire pregnancy. Bills' sister has had two miscarriages & they've been keeping their fingers crossed that everything will be ok. If he's worried now, just wait until the baby is born. It gets a bit worse. This book is a fun way to explain all of the funny things that babies do. It's so popular that it's out of stock in every single book store here in Colorado. I'm going to have to order it online if she doesn't end up getting a copy from someone else at the one of many showers.

These are the items that I have so far. Practical & very useful, even if someone else gets her exactly the same thing.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

25 weeks
As cute as ever
It hasn't been an interesting week as of yet. I've been looking for places to live for when we move while Logan plays with his toys on the floor. He's been signing "come here" to me, the toys & the animals a lot more. We're working on clapping & pointing at things now.

Along with diaper wrestling matches, we're having a lot of fun at bath time. Logan kicks & splashes water everywhere. So much, that sometimes I hide behind the shower curtain. Then we play peek-a-boo.
Logan is starting to eat lunch now too. He has rice cereal & banana for breakfast, then avocado for lunch. Avocados are good on some days & not so good on others. I figure that every time he eats something new, it's going to be like that. We're going to start oatmeal & sweet potatoes next.

I wasn't able to get a hold of the advice nurse regarding the white spot on his gums. I was on hold for 10 minutes & hung up figuring that it wasn't a big deal anyway. I'll call back if it gets bigger or some other changes happen. I hope for Logans' sake that it really is a tooth & it comes out soon.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm not quite sure what's going on here.
So Logan has the symptoms of teething, yet I don't see any teeth. I don't even think his gums are swollen. He drools (only just a little), he's fussy (off & on), he chews on EVERYTHING & has this Pit Bull-like shake that he does with his teething toys so it rubs his gums. Hylands has worked some wonders in the way of instant relief, but it's not long lasting. I'm still glad we found it though.

When I look into his mouth, I'm looking at the front where most first teeth show up. Nothing. Then a couple of days ago I noticed a white spot on his gums. Only it's on the bottom left where his cuspid (canine) should come in. I really didn't think much about it & maybe ignored it until the other day. It's still there. Not any bigger, nor is it smaller. I researched teething charts to see if it was possible for this to be his first tooth. It could be.

I put my finger in his mouth, which I usually don't do (I don't know why. I just don't). It's not sharp. When I hear about what baby teeth feel like, most moms say they are surprisingly razor sharp. I actually don't feel anything other than gums when my finger is in there. I don't even feel the bump of the spot. This really got me wondering.

This bump looks like a pimple, not the white line an incoming tooth looks like. It doesn't seem to be sore, but maybe a little swollen. After doing some more internet research I came across two things. Epstein Pearls & Bohn's Nodules. It's most likely a Bohn's nodule rather than Epstein Pearls, but either way, there's not a treatment option for them. They go away on their own, unless there is an infection. I'm going to call his pediatrician today to see what she thinks.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I'm going to learn jujutsu.
That, or miraculously sprout a third arm. Since Logan has been eating more solids, the diaper changing is different. Yeah, it's a little more difficult. It takes more time to clean him up & more supplies. He also thinks it's a prime opportunity to try & get his hands down there while kicking & squirming. As of now, the list of sports he will be great at:
  • Soccer
  • Martial Arts
  • Boxing
  • Swimming
  • Wrestling
The common theme in all of these activities? Spastic appendages & body contortion. I would be cool with this if he was on the floor playing. Hey, that's what play time is for. But no. He wants to spar & scrimmage at the most inconvenient of times. When I have my hands full. Sometimes I feel like I need to get him in a head lock. Not just any head lock. A Full Nelson.

Friday, July 21, 2006

24 weeks
A growth spurt & teething at the same time
This has been a hard week for Logan. Mr. Fussy Fuss & his reign of terror have been in full swing. He hasn't had a good night's sleep in a while. He's been hungry & in pain. He's teething, but his teeth aren't erupting yet. It's taking forever, the poor boy. After reading Corrines' post on Hylands teething tablets & hearing from everyone else in the parenting world that these are like gold, we finally found some last night. All of the stores we've been to have been sold out. Last night Bill went on another run to look for them. He gave me a call. "Is there crack in these tablets?", he asks. "What are you talking about." I reply quite confused. "I've been to three different stores & they've all been sold out. I finally found some. There must be crack in these." A true life testament that Hylands works.

His rice cereal breakfast has been much better. He isn't crying anymore & actually likes it, leaning in for every bite. He loves bananas too. We're going to start avocado this afternoon. We're still at a slow pace with introducing solids because I haven't talked to his Doctor yet. His appointment was scheduled for the end of August, but now that Bill has a new job our insurance provider will be different. I'm sad that we have to find a new pediatrician. I really liked Dr. "F'.

Making Logan laugh is still a challenge, but it's getting easier. Bill & I say that he has our sense of humor. Dry & sarcastic. It's hard to make a baby laugh with dry humor. However, sometimes if I act like a fool, he laughs. Last night has was sitting in his boppy chair, making a lot of noise with his "crunchy" book. I sat in front of him & imitated his arm flailing. He thought that was the most entertaining thing ever. He's never laughed that hard before. It was so funny that I was going to call Bill at work & leave a message so he could hear it too. The minute I grab the phone, Logan knew what I was doing & stopped. The little stinker.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I can't stop crying!
I'm so happy, relieved, excited, the emotional list goes on. Bill just called me from work. He got the call from the other gym. They excepted the offer, sort of. There was a little more negotiating, but the end result is good. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel so stressed out anymore. I can still be a stay at home mom & play with Logan all day!!! I think I'm going to need more Kleenex.

Now we have to find a place to live. While we were up there yesterday, we drove around & saw a few houses for rent that we would like to check out. We called our mortgage company on Monday to talk to them about a short sell, or possibly just giving them the keys & calling it a wash. It sucks, but I don't think it's going to sell otherwise. Honestly, I don't even care right now anyway. They're going to call us back next week to work out the details.

Finally. Karma is on our side again. After three months of worry, stress, anger,'s over. I hate the hard times (ok, who doesn't), but it feels so good when we survive (by the skin of our teeth, again). Tonight we're celebrating with a bottle of wine, chocolate & a bubble bath. Hopefully I'll have stopped crying by then, but I don't think I'll be able to. I am that happy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Waiting & waiting...
So the good news last week? Bill was offered the job at the gym. It was totally an "American Idol" kind of situation. Multiple interviews, 300 applicants...The position wasn't even listed. Bill was supposed to go back this week for a third interview, but since he was offered the position, today was about salary negotiations. This is why we're not sure if the good news is good news yet.

We drove up there (for another hour & a half trek) again this morning. Bill met with them for a good two hours. It's an awesome gym with incredible amenities. However, they don't have a business plan or any kind of sales strategy. They just open the doors & wait for people to come in. This place is owned by someone who thinks of the business as more of a hobby. The gym Bill & I come from is a cut throat, competitive, "gross is king" kind of place. They have purchased a space to open the first club up there & they've offered Bill the sales manager position when it opens next year. The competition is on now & Bill really has something to offer this new gym.

They stated their offer & we had different requirements & bottom lines. Now they're talking it over & going to call us back tonight or tomorrow morning. So far, it looks like we'll know for sure tomorrow. If I hold my breath any longer, I'm going to pass out.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Apparently he was distracted.
Last night Bill was able to come home from work a little earlier than usual. We hung out on the floor & played with Logan, putting hats on his head & giving him cell phones to chew on. As we were having a good ol' time, I turn to Bill & ask, "What time is it"? "It's a little after 8:00", he says. We were expecting a friend from out of town in about an hour & I hadn't jumped in the shower yet. It was one of those days where Logan only wanted to sleep for a grand total of an hour.

"Here, can you give Logan a bath & get him to bed while I shower"? I hand over the boy. "Umm, yeah. How do you do it?" he asks. "It's not that hard." I tell him. "Just make sure you clean his diaper area really well because I've had to use a lot of diaper cream recently. Lube him up with lotion, clean his ears, suck out some boogers, read him a book & you're good to go". I check the water for Bill to make sure it wasn't too hot. It was perfect. Then I run, leaving Logan in his fathers care.

As I was in the shower I heard Buddha barking in his guard dog bark. I prayed. "Please God, give Bill the common sense to not leave Logan in the tub by himself to answer the door". Buddha stopped barking & I didn't hear any yelling or commotion coming from the other side of the house. I felt better.

I dry off & get dressed, coming out to say hi to our friend & make sure Bill didn't drown our son. Logan was chillin' out on the changing table as Bill was getting him dressed. I did a mental sigh of relief. "Can you finish for me & read him a story?" he asks. "Oh. I forgot to put lotion on him too". I take over & start to get Logan undressed so I can get him nice & soft. "Hey!" I laugh. "You forgot to put a diaper on him too!"

Monday, July 17, 2006

The mending of a relationship.
I talked to my dad today. It's been a little over 7 years since we've talked. He's been a part of my past that I've wanted to run away (& stay away) from, but with recent decisions to move forward & resolve the pain from the past, it was time to make the call.

He has sent christmas & birthday cards wanting to rebuild our relationship. I've always brushed them off, not wanting to forgive him. Becoming a mother sheds new light & deeper feeling of how I was treated in my childhood. However, my dad is about 30-40% of that pain, while my mom is the other 70-80%.

My dad has dealt with depression, alcoholism & drug abuse. When my mom was at work & he was "taking care" of us girls, we were locked in our rooms so he could get high & drunk. When I was 8, my parents divorced & he abandoned us. We saw him a handful of times after the divorce, but that was about it. Then he just disappeared. It was tough growing up & thinking that I didn't have a dad. I'm not sure how much of a part my mom played in this either.

I didn't see him again for 8 years. He came back because it was my grandma Nancys' dying wish to have the family whole again. We were in contact again for a while until I invited him to the wedding. He said he couldn't make it & disappeared again. This time I shrugged my shoulders & had a "whatever" kind of attitude. This wasn't new & quite frankly, I expected it to happen.

My two younger sisters have been talking to him for a while now. I always thought they were setting themselves up to get hurt again. As time went by, he was still around. When we were sending out the birth announcements, I decided to send him one. I didn't want to keep Logan from his grandpa, who was trying to make an effort to be a part of our lives. Since then, I've sent pictures every month or so. The last card my dad sent, he wanted me to call him. I've procrastinated on this for the last three weeks, making up excuses to myself on why I couldn't do it right now. Too much stress, blah, blah, blah...

I called him this past weekend, but he wasn't home. I was going to try again on Saturday, but he saw my number on his caller ID & called me back this afternoon. It was a short call. He told me what he was doing for work, what he & his wife (I guess my step-mom) do on the weekends & asked how much Logan gets to see Bills parents. Then he asked if Logan has seen my mom yet. I told him how I haven't talked to her since the year 2000 or so & no matter what effort I make to get over the past, I probably won't ever talk to her again. The call got a little emotional after that (which is probably why I've been procrastinating on it).

After a brief recap of the past 7 years, he mentioned that he had some vacation time over Labor Day weekend & asked if he could visit & see Logan. I said it would be ok, since we didn't have any plans & told him that we would talk again this weekend.

I can't say that I feel any better than I did before the call, but I know it's going to take time. It was a short call & there are a lot of things that we need to talk about & resolve. I'm glad we have a couple of months to work on things before his visit.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

God, can I be more embarrassed & jepordize the sale of our house in the same second?
We had another showing this morning. The time frame was much like the cable company. Somewhere between 9:30 & 11:30am. The family who wanted to check out the pad came around 10:30, just as Logan & I were about to go out for a the 100 degree heat. Needless to say, I didn't run. But I didn't want to be in the house while they were looking at it. That's just a strange feeling.

So Logan & I went out for a really short walk & they were gone by the time we got back. I put Logan down for a nap & started to check my email. I went downstairs to make myself lunch. While on the way down, I turn the corner into the kitchen & smell something. "Lord, is that me?", I think to myself. I did just get back from a walk in the heat wave that's going on. Now whenever you think the pits are a little ripe, it's customary to have a raised arm in the process. So here I am, doing a self-smell check & the family that just left the showing...right there in the front yard, looking in to the kitchen. I guess they came back to take a second look at the yard, or something.

I do a 180 & walk out of the view of the kitchen window. As fast as I could. I couldn't believe I got busted with a deodorant malfunction, while in my own home. I'm not going to be surprised if we hear back from our realtor. "They think the house is over priced & they think you're weird & smell funny".

Saturday, July 15, 2006

If I had to take a guess.
I would guess that Logan doesn't like rice cereal. He eats it, but not willingly. There are bouts of crying (where I worry that he's going to inhale & choke), but a crying open mouth is the only way it's getting in him too. Fortunately, Buddha & Kitty hang out to lend a helping paw, keeping Logan entertained & yet a little distracted.

I've mixed with water & apple juice & as of this morning breast milk too. I was able to pump about an ounce when it was time for him to eat. I mixed it up & it wasn't much better than yesterday. He did eat all of it, which is an improvement from the last few days. But, still. I think I made need to try a different type of grain or something.

I gave him some banana yesterday. He seemed to like that a little better. Not as much crying as with the cereal. I might try & mix the banana in the cereal & see what happens. I'm also going to get avocado & some other veggies & we'll start on those this next week.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Now he screams for fun.
Logan is the comic relief around here. Without fail, if I need to laugh or smile, all I have to do is watch him play on the floor. When he notices that I'm looking at him, he gives me the biggest smile. How can I not feel better & give him a smile back?

Yesterday while we were playing, he figured out that he can scream. For fun. So while waving his arms, kicking frantically & panting, he lets out some high pitched shrieks. Then I double over laughing at him & he giggles.

He does this when I put him in his crib for naps & bedtime too. I lay him down & he smiles, kicking & waving. I kiss him & leave them room. The next thing I hear is him screaming at his mobile. Not the "get me the hell out of this crib" kind of scream, but the "hey, I sound pretty cool & this is kind of fun" kind of scream. I just sit out in the living room & giggle until he gets hysterical (if he ever does).

We got some good news a couple of days ago. It's not set in stone & the details aren't clear yet. So I'm not going to really say anything for fear that I'll jinx us & then have to write about bad news. But, if it all works out & things go our way...we could all end up screaming for fun.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I just can't get away...non-deleted post #2
I thought I was able to escape my childhood. I thought that the past 9 years had been enough time to erase my memory & forget all about it. I was wrong. Apparently, very wrong.

It has come to my attention that the ungodly amount of stress that I'm under is due to a multitude of things, but exacerbated by only one. Selling a brand new house in the crappiest market imaginable is stressful. Feeling financially unstable is, as well as the worrying about what the future may hold. Becoming parents with the changes & the toll it takes on a relationship is a difficult adjustment. None of this is easy & it's being compounded with my childhood horrors seeping out from my subconscious & smacking me in the back of head like a frying pan.

When I met Bill, he was my knight in shinning armor. I felt that he literally saved me from my family, providing love, hope, safety & security. He gives me what I need, but yet, it's not enough to heal old wounds. To add more complication to the matter, I didn't know that when you become a parent, those unhealed childhood wounds are ripped open even more.

When the pregnancy test came back positive, this was by far my biggest fear. Becoming the mother that I had & hated, reliving my childhood all over again. When I walked out into the living room to tell Bill the results, I was shaking. Violently. Like I just saw a ghost. Logan was planned & I really wanted to have a baby, but I didn't know how the reality of parenthood would scare me to death. It rattled my core.

The way I always dealt with the events of the past was escape. Physically or mentally. When things got really bad at home, I ran away. After soccer practice on the first day of my freshman year, I had my mom screaming at me from one side & my step-dad screaming at me from the other, yelling that everything was my fault. They were getting a divorce (which never happened) & sending me to a foster home. I ran to my best friends house ( around the corner) & stayed there for a couple of days until my parents called the cops to report me as a run away & have me picked up. Then I was dragged home again to depression & quite literally, Hell. There were times that I felt that there was no way out, other than death.

After this event & the ultimate end of my living at home when I was 15, I had been picked up & sent to a detention center for troubled youth. I was picked up by the family, only because there was a time limit of a few days for the kids that were sent there. On the way home, I told them that I would just run away again. I wasn't ever going back & I knew in my heart that I didn't want to die either. I was sent to live with my grandma Nancy. The abuse was over & out in the open. I didn't have any secrets anymore. I stayed there for a little while, but with her declining health due to colon cancer, I was sent to live with cousins I had never met. I lived there while I finished high school & then I met Bill.

When Bill & I got together, there was no more running away, in the physical sense. The trauma was covered up like bad make-up with partying, workaholism & pretending everything was ok now that I had escaped. When I got tired of this, we stopped partying (for the most part) & moved. Work took over my life even more, since the "Vegas" lifestyle was over. Then we moved again & I got fed up with living my life & practically being a slave for "the company". I needed to fill a void, an emptiness. The parties & work weren't doing the trick. I thought that becoming a parent would "solve" this. I was wrong, in a way.

While my role as a mother hasn't magically resolved my feelings, it's making me take steps towards a resolution. Staying at home, there's no escape. There's no work to loose myself in. There's no alcohol. There's no self destructive vice to "forget" about everything. Every action that I take has a direct affect on Logan. And he is more important than I. My responsibility & devotion to him is making me face what has happened straight on. No cover up, no denial, no pretending to move on. It's right there & I can't even turn away, let alone run away.

The light bulb is lit above my head. The stress is more manageable now that I understand why it feels so bad. So now Logan has become my second knight in shining armor. Not that he has "saved" me, but forced me to save myself, for his sake.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

23 weeks old
No teeth & no crawling yet, but oh so close. His sleeping habits have been getting a bit better in the last two days. I've only had to get up once or twice, compared to the 10 or 20 times before.

He's so cute when he gets excited. When I play with him or when he wants me to pick him up, he waves his arms around & kicks frantically with a huge smile on his face. He also does this heavy breathing, panting thing at the same time that is hilarious.

His second cereal breakfast this morning didn't go as well as yesterdays' first. I'm totally going to use something else other than water to mix it with. It was pretty cute today because we had to take turns. Mommy takes a bite of burrito & Logan takes a bite of cereal. That helped a bit, plus I got to eat too.

He absolutely loves his new toys & they certainly keep him busy. He'll spend a lot of time chewing on them, then banging the blocks around. We also gave him one of the extra remote controls to play with seeing as though he tries to grab them from me when we watch TV. This makes him exactly like his dad. Bill does the same thing & I never hold the remote. I guess it's a guy thing.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Officially starting solids.
At first when I was thinking about starting Logan on solids, I wanted to wait until his sixth month Doctors appointment. It looks like we won't be able to get in until sometime next month. After some reading on giving solids, there seems to be a small window to work in.

If you feed them too early, you increase the risk of food allergies. We're bad enough as it is in that department, thus wanting to wait. But, then I read if you start feeding them after six months, you increase the risk of developing Type-1 diabetes by 4 to 7 times (depending on which research article you read). Since Logan has been tested & found to carry the gene that increases his risk of Type-1 already, this caught my attention. I also read that by six months, the iron stores in babies bodies are depleted, increasing the risk of anemia & they need more vitamin D (So do I sound like a neurotic first time mom, or what?!).

We're right in the middle of this window of opportunity. This morning was the first time Logan had rice cereal for breakfast. I nursed him first & waited for Bill to wake up. Then we got Logan ready to eat. Bill mixed up his cereal with water, because I still hate pumping & I really don't want to go buy formula. We took turns feeding him again. Logan was more interested in the bowl & trying to feed himself with the spoon, rather than the food. He did eat & did ok, but I can tell it's going to take a little bit of practice. He didn't eat all of it, but did give us an idea that he was finished. I got him cleaned up & he sat with us at the table while Bill & I had our breakfast & coffee. It was fun having breakfast at the table as a family.

Monday, July 10, 2006

It's been a busy day.
Last night Logan didn't sleep at all. He woke up screaming almost every hour. I put some teething gel on his gums & it didn't really help. I gave him some Tylenol & that didn't seem to help much either. The two of us got about 3 hours of sleep & we had to wake up early this morning. All I have to say is, I love coffee. A lot.

We woke up early to drive up to the town we hope to move to. Bill had a second job interview with another gym. While he was at the interview, Logan & I had breakfast at Bill's sister's house & waited for some good news. Bill got back & said that we go back again for a third interview next week. This whole process feels like American Idol. I hope it all works out. This gym is nice. It has everything I need & more. Tons of great equipment, a rock climbing wall, tennis courts, pools, the whole nine yards. If Bill doesn't get the job, we're still going to buy memberships.

Since it takes an hour & a half road trip to get up there, we spent the day with Logans Aunt & Uncle. We played disk golf (the guys did anyway), while Bill's sister & I talked about labor & everything about babies (she's six months along now). Then we went out for lunch & took a tour of the gym Bill is interviewing at. We headed back over to their house for a little bit & when through some of Logans baby clothes that we brought over for them. They will never have to do laundry. We brought a garbage bag & a half & they already have a full dresser.

We decided to go to the park & feed the ducks too. That was a trip. We fed about a million geese, a few ducks & a couple of squirrels. The geese were totally freaking me out. They are brave little suckers & try to eat the bread from your hand. I had to practically kick (not really) them away thinking that they would eat Logans fingers. Logan didn't seem too interested in them at all.

We did a little shopping & got Logan a new onesie & hat before we left & did some more shopping when we got back into town. I told Bill that I wanted to get Logan a new toy because he seems to be getting bored with the ones he has now. I really wanted to find some kind of puzzle toy that would make him think & keep him busy. We found a shape puzzle that he loves. I showed him how to put the shaped blocks in the right hole. He knows that he needs to get them in, but needs to figure out the shape part first. He's catching on pretty quick.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

When I'm upset, I do house work.
This morning I realized that I'm weird. I guess it's not a new realization, but more of a confirmation. I have been under the most unbelievable stress, the most stress I've ever been in almost all of my life. There's the financial stress, the stress of selling our new house, the stress of being in isolation at home all day long, the stress of dealing with a teething, gassy baby who doesn't seem to need any sleep to function & the effects of all of this stress on our marriage. It's been one rough ride.

For some reason when I'm upset or when Bill & I have an argument, I clean the house. Without fail, we have words, I unload the dishwasher. Bill does something that infuriates me, I do laundry. We bicker & I'm in the kitchen with Simple Green & a sponge. It's an automatic response.

The last few days have been hard on our relationship. Well really, the last few months, but especially the past couple of days. This morning I'm up with Logan (who decided to start his day 2 hours earlier than usual) & Bill wakes up & comes upstairs. "I saw our neighbor mowed our lawn for us". "That wasn't him. It was me", I said. "What? You mowed the lawn? Did you used to weed whacker too?". "Yeah", I say nonchalantly. "In all of our years, you've never once done yard work before", he says. "Well, I was really pissed & I wasn't about to ask you to do it". He laughs, "Wow. It looks much better than when I do it". Apparently when I'm irate, we have an immaculate house & really nice yard.

Friday, July 07, 2006

We were able to get the house up for sale before we went on vacation. While we were gone we had a couple of showings & one or two since we've been back. I'm surprised that we've had any at all. I went on a walk with Logan & counted 13 houses for sale by realtors in the development. They're not even finished with construction yet either. The builder still has about 12 houses that haven't been sold. Some are finished, some are just starting foundation. They're offering $30,000 in incentives. While on our walk, I noticed that there were quite a few houses for sale that are the exact same model that we're in. In fact, the day we got home, a house a couple of doors down from us went up on the market. It's the same model & they're asking $17,600 less than we are. Good luck to us.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

22 weeks old & keeping me on my toes
It seems like ever since we've been home from vacation, Logan has made tremendous growth. He knows how to drink from a cup (but haven't given him one since we've been back). He unties shoelaces. He can sit up & play by himself. He likes to play the keyboard. He keeps trying to crawl by creeping. He rolled down the stairs & didn't cry much about it. He's ready to eat solids & really loves to eat. The new developments this week are growing curiosity & the beginning of sign language.

Logan has more interest in his toys now. He throws them to see what happens & he's starting to understand how to play with his interactive toys that sing & play games. He makes choices on what toys he wants to play with. I'll sit & play with him on the floor, bringing three or four different toys with. He'll play with one for a minute, then choose another. He rotates between all of them. It's pretty cute. He knows that I keep all of his toys in his toy box too. When he's rolling around on the floor, he'll often roll over to the toy box & try to pull it over. I'll sit him up in front of it & watch him dig through all of his treasures.

He's starting sign language, purely by accident. I've been meaning to sit down with him to teach him baby signs for quite sometime now. I've held off thinking that he's already learning so many new things, I didn't want to overwhelm him. It's suggested that parents start teaching their babies sign language between 6 & 9 months, so I wasn't too worried about holding off.

The other day while Bill & I were on the floor playing with him, he was on his stomach & started to pat the floor with his right hand. "He's telling you to come here", I jokingly said to Bill. This new action caught my attention & I watched him close when he did it. He really is telling us to "come here". It's the same motion I make when I call Kitty or Buddha over to play. I pat my leg or the floor & say "come here". Logan will make the same motion when he wants me or Bill to come over & he makes the same motion to his toys when he can't reach them. I was amazed & very proud of my little smarty pants.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Gaining independence on independence day.
It wasn't that spectacular of an independence day over here, in the way of explosives that is. Colorado is in the beginning of the monsoon season. It's been crazy enough that we've had "sideways" rain coming down in sheets.

This morning Logan sat in his new high chair for the first time while he watched me clean the kitchen. He's growing up to be quite a curious little man. I gave him one of his crunchy books & a binky while I started to wipe down the counters. The minute I turn my back he throws them on the floor. This cycle repeats for oh, say One MILLION times. He wanted to see what the book would do, but more interestingly, what I would do. I guess I held up to his standards because he never cried. He just threw his toys everywhere. I suppose that makes me a sucker.
Bill came home from work & we waited for it to get dark enough for us to light off some fireworks. We sat in the driveway & watched a couple of smoke bombs (lame) & came inside to eat dinner. Now that Logan has a place at the table, we're actually eating there again. It's been since the pregnancy since we've had dinner at the table. Mostly because my stomach was too big to eat in front of the TV. It was a nice change though & I missed it.

As we were sitting there, Bill turns to Logan. "Do you want a cracker?" offering him a Ritz. "Not one of those crackers. I think we have some graham crackers though", I said. I only said this thinking that Logan would just gum it & try to suck on it. Bill gave him a small cracker & the kid was shoving it into his mouth & taking out big chunks. He was eating it. For real! Remembering that Ashley had talked about graham crackers mashed in juice, I got a little bit made up for him to eat.

Holy crap, did this boy like to eat. He was trying to feed himself & leaned in for every bite. He still tries to chew his tongue (a sign of teething, I'm sure), but really didn't spit it out everywhere. Bill & I took turns feeding him & laughing at the mess he made. We were both surprised at how "grown up" Logan is becoming.
After dinner we all went outside to start our little firework show & bam. Rain. What a bummer. Hopefully we'll be able to try again tonight. In the mean time, I'm researching baby feeding books. A while back Reesh recommended Super Baby Foods. I'm also going to schedule Logans' six month check up with his Doctor & talk to her about his new milestone. I'm going to hold off on "officially" starting him until then, but I know he's ready.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

For the last few days, I've been looking for a high chair for Logan. My mommy instincts (is that like having spidey senses?) tell me that he's close to eating solids...that & his Doctor & I talked about starting him at 6 month or later. So, it's almost time.

Before Logan was born, I looked at every piece of baby furniture made. I found really cute bedroom sets that were outrageously priced & decided against buying him something like that since he would only use it for a short period of time. I ended up buying an inexpensive convertible set for a little over $100. The changing table, dresser & crib/toddler bed/twin bed all came together. I was actually very proud of this purchase & it happens that my sister who is due in November is going to get the same set.

Finding a high chair wasn't as easy. A plastic chair just isn't my style, no matter how easy it is to clean. The chair that I found & really wanted was the Svan chair. Just like bedroom sets I found, it would cost an arm & a leg at $235, even on ebay. I've been saving up for this chair for months, justifying the price because of it's style & practicality.

Since the beginning of the week, I've been mulling over this potential purchase in my mind. Is it really worth it? We would be able to use it for a lifetime because it starts out as an infant seat, then a toddler chair & then an adult chair that can hold up to 250 lbs. Plus it looks nice, so I would want to have it around for that long too. But wow. That's one expensive piece of baby furniture. Could we afford it, especially right now?

As I was calling around town doing some price comparison shopping, I hit the jack pot. There was a store way across town that had a 40% off sale & would extend the sale over the weekend for me. We picked it up yesterday morning for the reasonable cost of $129. I still can't believe it. Now Logan can eat his organic rice cereal & home made baby food in Scandinavian style.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Just call me the dumbest mom on earth.
Yesterday afternoon was Logans first trip to the E.R. I had just finished eating lunch & Logan was playing on the keyboard. He looked pretty busy & I thought I could leave him there while I made a quick stop into the bathroom. I don't know why I even thought I could do this.

The next thing I know as I'm coming back, "thump, thump, thump" followed by him crying & I see him toppling down the last few steps on the stairs. I run down the stairs & pick him up. I run & grab the phone to call Bill. "Come home right now. He just fell down the stairs". After I get off of the phone, he stops crying. I walk into the bathroom & he smiles at himself in the mirror. I take him into the bedroom & lay him down to look him over & poke & prod. He didn't even have a red mark anywhere on his body. No bumps, no bruises, no broken bones. Bill calls back. "You should call the insurance company & see if we can get triaged somewhere closer". "Actually, I think he's fine. He's smiling & he's not sore anywhere. He's even talking". I say quite surprised.

Bill comes home anyway. We sit on the couch while we talk about what to do. All the while Logan is smiling at Buddha & standing up on Bill's lap. "I think he's fine", Bill says. After much thought & paranoia, I convince him that we still need to go get him checked out.

We get to the after hours clinic & check in. As I'm explaining to the receptionist what happened I start to cry. "He's your first?" she asks. I nod with tears streaming down my face. "I have four boys. One of them fell off of a trampoline & broke his collar bone. He'll be ok". "Yeah, but it was so stupid. I knew better". I cry again. "Hey, live & learn". She smiles & hands back Logans insurance card.

After a short wait we're escorted back into an exam room. The whole time Logan is wiggling & trying to squirm his way off of the table. He checked out fine. I was worried about some kind of head injury, maybe a concussion. The Doctor on call said that they rarely see kids get as hurt as we think they would from falling down stairs. Her theory is that they weight a lot less. Sounded strange to me, but whatever. At least he was ok.

So, not one of my finer moments. Now I have a "dumbest mom ever" moment that I will never forget & feel pretty guilty about for a little while. I hoped I would get over it as fast as Logan did. He stopped crying after 30 seconds. I'm still crying the day after.
No baby gate because thanks to the lovely wood carving, it won't fit. We're going to make a ghetto-fab one out of plywood & fabric today.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Musical Genius
Last night when Bill got home from work, I told him about Logan sitting up by himself & showed him the pictures. We propped him up & played with his little musical keyboard again. He bounced a couple of times like he was dancing. It was too cute. "Do you think he would like the other keyboard?" Bill asked.

Now, Logan has always liked music, even since before he was born. I would listen to something when I was putting around the house & he would kick up a storm. After he was born, I could put on that very same music when he was fussy & he would start to calm down. Still to this day there are a couple of songs that will instantly make him happy. I've always known that music would be a big part of his life, just as it is with Bill & myself. I never thought that we would introduce him to something like this so early though.

Bill pulled the keyboard off of the stand & set it up in front of Logan. He loved it! It was way more interesting than his "baby" keyboard. It was so funny, Bill had the video camera & I was taking pictures. Man, are we dorky parents or what. We didn't even get any good video (bummer). He had so much fun, I'm going to keep it out for him to play with everyday.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

More milestones & first bruises.
Now that we're back from vacation, Logan decided it was time to go back to "work". He's been trying his hardest to crawl again. He has been able to inch worm a bit & as of yesterday, he gets up on his knees & elbows to rock back & forth. I think he'll have it down in about 3 weeks (or maybe sooner).

He can sit up all by himself too! He has to have help getting up, but today he played for a good 15-20 minutes sitting alone. He tried to sit by himself a few times in the last couple of days & the end result was a bruise on his forehead. He was sitting up on the changing table as I was getting a shirt on him & he fell forward, straight smack into the railing. Then he was sitting on my lap while I was checking my email & did the same thing, face first on to the computer desk. These are the first of many bruises to come for this little boy. I can't imagine what's going to happen when he starts walking.
We've had a few sleepless nights since we've been back. It started on Thursday night. At about 1 or 2 am, he screams like his toenails are getting ripped off. It seems there's nothing that I can do to soothe him. I gave in & fed him & it didn't help. Last night he did the same thing. I didn't feed him, thinking that he ate at 11:30 pm & should be ok. He cried off & on from 2:00 am until 4:30 this morning. The crazy thing is it's only happening at night. He's great during the rest of the day. I know when babies are working on a physical milestone, like crawling & sitting up, their minds can keep them up at night. They can also get muscle soreness & then he may need more calories to sustain his activity level. So, I'm not sure if it's a reaction to the disrupted schedule from vacation, or any of the above. If it's calories, I was hoping to start solids next month. I can either nurse him more often (every 2 hours instead of 3 & start feeding in the middle of the night again), or I can start giving him rice cereal before bed. I think I'm going to see how things go the rest of the week & see if it's a pattern.