Friday, December 16, 2005

Kind of funny, I got my drivers license today.
My license had expired a year & a half ago. It was my under 21 license too. Because Bill & I worked at the same gym together, he drove. When we moved out to Colorado we had only one car & we lived within walking distance of my gym, while he had a 30-45 minute commute. So all in all, I never really needed to drive until now. Now that I'll be staying at home with Logan, we've got to be able to go to infant massage class, father/son time at lunch while I work out, Doctors appointments, & whatever else gets us out of the house. It was kind of odd having someone grade me on my driving since I had been doing it for 10 years. Thank God I passed or I would have felt like an idiot.

I also had my 33 week prenatal appointment today. My weight is right on track. I've gained about 25 lbs. so far, granted, that's counting from the 15 lb. loss I had in the first trimester when I was sick & lost all of my muscle. I looked anorexic then. My ribs, shoulder blades & hip bones were sticking out. I hated it. Logan's growth is on track too. I'm going to start doing kick counts until the next appointment in 4 weeks. That should keep me busy! Overall it was a pretty boring appointment. However, I'm glad they are boring appointments & not full of anxiety, tension & problems.

On a more serious note, I've had a lot on my mind this morning. Last night Bill brought in the mail. As I sorted through the various christmas cards, I found one from my dad (whom I haven't spoken to since I had invited him to our wedding. He said he couldn't make it & then disapeared). He wrote about wishing our family a merry christmas & hopes that we can talk again someday. He has been in contact with my sisters for a while now & asks about talking to me again. I usually get emotional & tell my sisters that I don't want to talk to him because he's just going to disapear on me again. He did it when I was 8 (he was gone for 8 years), then at 19 (I haven't spoken to him since), what's to say he won't do it again? The bigger question for me is; why is it so important to have a relationship with me now, as opposed to when I was little? Is it guilt? Regret? Why disapear again when I was an adult & I gave him a second chance? I don't need a dad anymore, so not having a relationship at all doesn't bother me.

I've been thinking about how my screwy family is going to affect Logan though. Bill & I have talked about the anger I have toward my dad & that we don't want Logan to feel like he's been abandonded if his Grandpa decides to up & disapear again. I never ever, EVER want to explain to my child that someone has abandoned him. I never want him to feel like he is unloved or unwanted by anyone in his family. So with this in mind, we decided that we didn't want my dad in our lives.
Then I thought about how I might affect Logan by doing that. Wouldn't I be lying to him if I told him he doesn't have a grandpa? What if he finds out otherwise (which he would, you can't keep secrets like that) & resents me for denying him a relationship? In my attempts to protect him from the emotional pain that I know & endured as a child, could it be inflicting some other kind of pain? I've always told Bill that the foundation of our relationship is love, trust & respect. I think that goes for Logan too. I want to be honest with him. I want us to be able to communicate. I want a strong, loving relationship with him.

So now I feel stuck in this moral delema. Do I keep him from his grandpa in hopes of protecting him from ever feeling abandoned & risk resenting me for it? Or, do I risk having a relationship again & hope that I never have to explain why grandpa disapeared?
This feels like a twisted "choose your own adventure" book. I still haven't talked to Bill about how I'm feeling. That's probably where I should start.

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