For two years, I was the President of one of the MOMS Club chapters here in town. At first, it was fun! It was a great way to be involved with my kids' social schedule and connect with other moms in our city. I really loved it, but it didn't last long.
Being in an organization of 50+ women, there is bound to be some drama. In each of the three years that I served on our board, there was some kind of nonsense to deal with. Moms having power trips and becoming playgroup nazi's, moms throwing tantrums because we needed to re-organize playgroups and they were no longer in the same group as their best friends (god forbid they try and make other friends), moms who felt like they needed to email International board members to complain about our chapter, and moms who would complain about anything at the drop of a hat. It got old and tiresome. It drained on me as a person and on my family. I began to dread board meetings and decisions that needed to be made because there was certainly somebody who was going to bitch about something and nobody gave a shit about the effort I put into our chapter.
The straw that broke the camels back for me was during the organization and planning of our annual charitable fundraiser. This year was the biggest, most involved and most successful fundraiser our chapter had ever done. It was a children's fashion show and silent auction to raise money for a non-profit in our city that helped single parents become financially independent and free from government assistance. There were tickets to be sold, items we needed for donation and more work than I ever imagined. It was so successful mostly in part of our Admin VP who put her head down and trudged through the challenges, overcoming obstacles and powering through the drama. She was amazing and it wouldn't have happened without her leadership.
I mentally gave up after people started complaining about it.
What got to me the most was when people were complaining about how they were asked to help sell tickets and promote the event, by a member who is known for her blunt and curt personality. Because they were not asked as they felt entitled, people began to boycott and protest the fundraiser. I wanted to knock some heads together, hoping it would spark some common sense.
"Here you are, bringing your Starbucks coffee to playgroup every week, being a stay-at-home mom, living in a $300,000 home, driving two cars and taking family vacations and you're going to punish single parents and children in our community, WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO SLEEP THE NEXT NIGHT, just because you don't like how you were asked to help sell tickets????"
I actually said this to people. I wanted to scream at them. I did scold one person pretty harshly. It was the most petty, ridiculous, selfish complaint I'd ever heard from a grown woman.
And I gave up. That was it for me. I was done.
I did a half-assed job for the next few months until my term ended on July 1st. It's been a month since I haven't had to field complaints or go to board meetings to make decisions that people didn't care about. It's been a month of freedom! So much less stress, so much more time to focus on things that are positive in our life. It's been eye-opening, to say the least.
We're still members of the chapter, but I'm not going to hold another position in any organizational aspect. This chapter in our life is closing and I feel like I'm finally free.
Showing posts with label SAHM feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAHM feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Mars and Venus?
First and foremost, I have to acknowledge the incredibly lame writing that's been going on here on the blog. Life has been hectic with schedules, preschool and really, my writing on the restaurant review blog. I've never been one to multi-task well, even though I try. The last month or so of posts here have sucked. It's not my usual style and I think I'm about to come out of my personal writing funk. No more boring and bland blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, there has been a lot on my mind that I've wanted to write about, and we all know that I'm not one to hold back when spilling the beans, but it's taking me some time to even sort it out in my own head. Sometimes I just write and it works itself out, other times I have to have an epiphany before I hit the "New Post" button. This may be a combination of the two.
When I pick up Logan from preschool, I ask him about his day on our drive home. "How was school today? What did you learn about? What did you do?" "I dunno," he replies with a shoulder shrug. "What do you mean you don't know? You were there for 2 hours! You know what you did today. What did you eat? What did you read?" I ask him again. "I dunno," he replies again. This goes on for about three or four cycles until I get a response of some sort that usually doesn't make any sense.
This began to concern me. Was it a communication problem that Logan is having? Is this normal? I asked my friends who are in the same preschool class what their kids are telling them about their days. Some (the girls) report back more detail, but for the most part, I think we're all getting limited details. It's got to be a combination of where they are developmentally and the gender. Specifically, boy speak.
These are the same conversations that I have with Bill as we're hanging out on the couch at the end of the night. One word answers, shoulder shrugs and "I don't know". It's been driving me insane for a very long time, and I think I really began to notice the significant issue around the elections. There are a lot of things I like to talk about, none of which interest Bill in the slightest, and Bill has very few things he likes to talk about - period. More often than not, we sit on the couch and watch TV with our superficial, minimal discussion. With this, a wall grows - a space, a chasm, a distance from being unable to relate. I tend to fill that space with other things and hobbies - blogging, writing about food, MOMS Club, talking to and connecting with people who have the same interests. This leaves Bill behind, almost replaced since I find the missing pieces from others. Marriage is hard and sometimes it sucks.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. Is it too much to get simple answers about my son's day? Is it too much to have a conversation with my husband at night? Do I talk a lot, like the stereotypical woman? What about a stereotypical stay-at-home mom? Am I just alone in a house full of testosterone separated by a communication difference of dinosaur growls, single word grunts and shrugs? Because frankly, that's how I'm feeling. Alone in my own home.
Anyway, there has been a lot on my mind that I've wanted to write about, and we all know that I'm not one to hold back when spilling the beans, but it's taking me some time to even sort it out in my own head. Sometimes I just write and it works itself out, other times I have to have an epiphany before I hit the "New Post" button. This may be a combination of the two.
When I pick up Logan from preschool, I ask him about his day on our drive home. "How was school today? What did you learn about? What did you do?" "I dunno," he replies with a shoulder shrug. "What do you mean you don't know? You were there for 2 hours! You know what you did today. What did you eat? What did you read?" I ask him again. "I dunno," he replies again. This goes on for about three or four cycles until I get a response of some sort that usually doesn't make any sense.
This began to concern me. Was it a communication problem that Logan is having? Is this normal? I asked my friends who are in the same preschool class what their kids are telling them about their days. Some (the girls) report back more detail, but for the most part, I think we're all getting limited details. It's got to be a combination of where they are developmentally and the gender. Specifically, boy speak.
These are the same conversations that I have with Bill as we're hanging out on the couch at the end of the night. One word answers, shoulder shrugs and "I don't know". It's been driving me insane for a very long time, and I think I really began to notice the significant issue around the elections. There are a lot of things I like to talk about, none of which interest Bill in the slightest, and Bill has very few things he likes to talk about - period. More often than not, we sit on the couch and watch TV with our superficial, minimal discussion. With this, a wall grows - a space, a chasm, a distance from being unable to relate. I tend to fill that space with other things and hobbies - blogging, writing about food, MOMS Club, talking to and connecting with people who have the same interests. This leaves Bill behind, almost replaced since I find the missing pieces from others. Marriage is hard and sometimes it sucks.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. Is it too much to get simple answers about my son's day? Is it too much to have a conversation with my husband at night? Do I talk a lot, like the stereotypical woman? What about a stereotypical stay-at-home mom? Am I just alone in a house full of testosterone separated by a communication difference of dinosaur growls, single word grunts and shrugs? Because frankly, that's how I'm feeling. Alone in my own home.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The chicken or the egg?
Kristin wonders if I'm crazy to keep myself busy of if I'm busy to keep myself from going crazy. That was my facebook status update sometime last week. I have been so busy, especially last week. It got me thinking. I tend to take on a lot - activities, responsibilities, obligations - do I do this because that's just how I roll or do I do this to escape from everything else?
I still can't tell.
I had quite a few "extracurricular" activities going on; a night out for margaritas and dinner with some friends one night, wine and cheese with others another night, cooking club, writing group, workouts all in addition to the kids activities of sports, playing at the park and a baby shower. At almost every function, I was asked "How do you do it all? You are so busy! Do you ever sleep??" Jokingly I would respond "It's the 6 cups of coffee I drink everyday", which really is the truth. Many times I ask myself this same question. How do I do all of this? I just do, I guess. Because I don't know what else I would do if I didn't.
Sometimes I think I would be absolutely miserable if I wasn't busy. If I was at home doing "home stuff" with the kids, lounging around in pajamas, coloring, playing with play-doh and watching them play with cars for hours on end - I would go nuts. Boredom doesn't sit well with me. I tend to get bored easily, but when I'm bored, I'm left alone with my thoughts which, depending on what's going on, could be a bad thing. The busier I am, the less I think, the happier I am. Maybe being busy is my drug. Much like how some escape through drugs and alcohol, I escape through groups, clubs and friends.
Weird.
What's even more strange is when everyone is asking me how I do it all, in my head I'm thinking, if you're not as busy as I am, what are you doing all day?
I still can't tell.
I had quite a few "extracurricular" activities going on; a night out for margaritas and dinner with some friends one night, wine and cheese with others another night, cooking club, writing group, workouts all in addition to the kids activities of sports, playing at the park and a baby shower. At almost every function, I was asked "How do you do it all? You are so busy! Do you ever sleep??" Jokingly I would respond "It's the 6 cups of coffee I drink everyday", which really is the truth. Many times I ask myself this same question. How do I do all of this? I just do, I guess. Because I don't know what else I would do if I didn't.
Sometimes I think I would be absolutely miserable if I wasn't busy. If I was at home doing "home stuff" with the kids, lounging around in pajamas, coloring, playing with play-doh and watching them play with cars for hours on end - I would go nuts. Boredom doesn't sit well with me. I tend to get bored easily, but when I'm bored, I'm left alone with my thoughts which, depending on what's going on, could be a bad thing. The busier I am, the less I think, the happier I am. Maybe being busy is my drug. Much like how some escape through drugs and alcohol, I escape through groups, clubs and friends.
Weird.
What's even more strange is when everyone is asking me how I do it all, in my head I'm thinking, if you're not as busy as I am, what are you doing all day?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I'm not alone
On both Sunday and Monday nights I went out with friends for some get away time. On Sunday night, it was margaritas with my wild and crazy friends who make me laugh hysterically and we always have the best time going out. We ate delicious Mexican food, drank our margarita limits (there's a limit of 2-3 at this place) and then took our pregnant designated driver out for an ice cream cone at Ben & Jerry's. It was a much needed break. We laughed, complained, vented, but mostly goofed off and laughed so hard we cried. I am so lucky to have this group of friends in my life because without them, I would be one miserable person.
On Monday night it was wine and cheese (mocktails for those who didn't drink) with mostly playgroup friends. It was a more relaxed night with lots of conversation. We ate spinach artichoke dip with fresh spinach from the host's garden (it was awesome), ate cheese and vegetables, cheesecake squares and talked the whole time.
On both nights, not only did I get a much needed break from my family, the much needed time to unwind and relax, but I also got a much needed reminder...
I'm not alone.
Whenever a group of moms get together the conversation always includes discussion about parenting issues that are being dealt with, like discipline, the stupid things our husbands do and say, how tired we all are and how do we all manage to do the things we do. It sounds like a massive venting session, but really, it's a time where a group of stay-at-home moms (or mostly stay-at-home) can connect because we're all experiencing the same challenges. It's a time where we are listened to by women who understand and these moments are vital to a mom's sanity level.
I needed this more than anything. The last few weeks here at home have been beyond draining. Then with Bill coming home and making comments that make me want to give him a concussion (like how I am the only one doing what I do), it's amazing that we're back on speaking terms (because we weren't for a while there).
Much like the comments that I get on this blog, all of my friends are in the same boat. Our kids can drive us nuts, we get frustrated, often find ourselves yelling more than we'd like and grasping at straws to keep it all together. Different things work for different kids and families, but we all understand what each other is going through. Getting that confirmation that I'm not the only one was more comforting than anything.
On Monday night it was wine and cheese (mocktails for those who didn't drink) with mostly playgroup friends. It was a more relaxed night with lots of conversation. We ate spinach artichoke dip with fresh spinach from the host's garden (it was awesome), ate cheese and vegetables, cheesecake squares and talked the whole time.
On both nights, not only did I get a much needed break from my family, the much needed time to unwind and relax, but I also got a much needed reminder...
I'm not alone.
Whenever a group of moms get together the conversation always includes discussion about parenting issues that are being dealt with, like discipline, the stupid things our husbands do and say, how tired we all are and how do we all manage to do the things we do. It sounds like a massive venting session, but really, it's a time where a group of stay-at-home moms (or mostly stay-at-home) can connect because we're all experiencing the same challenges. It's a time where we are listened to by women who understand and these moments are vital to a mom's sanity level.
I needed this more than anything. The last few weeks here at home have been beyond draining. Then with Bill coming home and making comments that make me want to give him a concussion (like how I am the only one doing what I do), it's amazing that we're back on speaking terms (because we weren't for a while there).
Much like the comments that I get on this blog, all of my friends are in the same boat. Our kids can drive us nuts, we get frustrated, often find ourselves yelling more than we'd like and grasping at straws to keep it all together. Different things work for different kids and families, but we all understand what each other is going through. Getting that confirmation that I'm not the only one was more comforting than anything.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Vacation alone?
One perk to having a job with a company is that you get vacation days. Moms don't get those. Or do they? Over the last week my brain went haywire (for MANY reasons) and steam came blowing out of my ears. Part of the problem was that I was (am) frustrated to the max (with MANY things) and asked for help. Logan is one of the parts of life I need help with. He just doesn't listen. TO ANYTHING I SAY. I know this is not uncommon and every mom with kids deals with this on a daily basis, but sometimes, this whole being ignored routine (by everyone) is like Chinese Water Torture. I get worn down and then snap.
This tends to happen to people who are over-worked and need a break. That's when most people take vacations days and hang out at the beach for a while. It came up in conversation that I should go on vacation. Alone.
Bill has plenty of vacation time and can take a week to stay at home with the boys while I go on vacation by myself. Going to Portland to see my sisters was mentioned, and I would love to, but would also feel kind of weird going without the kids. Does this sound weird to anyone else but me? Given the chance, would everyone grab their suitcase and start booking flights before their husband could even finish the sentence "...vacation alone..."?
I talked to a few friends and with mouths dropped to the floor "He said what? GO! DO IT!" and of course a group vacation was mentioned. This I would do. If everyone could really do it.
So, yeah. I need a vacation. Desperately. Who knows if it will actually happen.
This tends to happen to people who are over-worked and need a break. That's when most people take vacations days and hang out at the beach for a while. It came up in conversation that I should go on vacation. Alone.
Bill has plenty of vacation time and can take a week to stay at home with the boys while I go on vacation by myself. Going to Portland to see my sisters was mentioned, and I would love to, but would also feel kind of weird going without the kids. Does this sound weird to anyone else but me? Given the chance, would everyone grab their suitcase and start booking flights before their husband could even finish the sentence "...vacation alone..."?
I talked to a few friends and with mouths dropped to the floor "He said what? GO! DO IT!" and of course a group vacation was mentioned. This I would do. If everyone could really do it.
So, yeah. I need a vacation. Desperately. Who knows if it will actually happen.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Homework
Lately I've realized how easy it is to get lost in the day to day routine - make meals, pick up the house, run errands, go to the gym, do whatever kids' activity we're doing that day. A lot of the time we just "do" rather than enjoy.
While changing Carter's diaper this afternoon, I thought about when he last laughed. Had he laughed at all today? He smiled, that's for sure. But is that enough? We were half way through the day and even though we were just hanging out at home, we really hadn't had "fun". I kind of felt like a schmuck of a mom realizing this and decided that we needed to not only lighten up a bit, but we needed to have more fun.
So after getting him in a clean diaper and just about ready to go down for a nap, we spent a good few minutes with me tickling him and covering him in kisses. He laughed and giggled to hard he couldn't catch his breath. It was hysterical! With flushed pink cheeks, he was ready to take a nice, happy nap.
I came downstairs and cuddled on the couch with Logan, playing with the puppets he had us playing with last night. After a big hug, telling him how much I love him, he kisses me on the cheek "I love you too Mom". Thus commenced the cheek-kissing game of tag with lots of giggles.
My goal is to make sure my boys get a good laugh at least once a day. We need to.
While changing Carter's diaper this afternoon, I thought about when he last laughed. Had he laughed at all today? He smiled, that's for sure. But is that enough? We were half way through the day and even though we were just hanging out at home, we really hadn't had "fun". I kind of felt like a schmuck of a mom realizing this and decided that we needed to not only lighten up a bit, but we needed to have more fun.
So after getting him in a clean diaper and just about ready to go down for a nap, we spent a good few minutes with me tickling him and covering him in kisses. He laughed and giggled to hard he couldn't catch his breath. It was hysterical! With flushed pink cheeks, he was ready to take a nice, happy nap.
I came downstairs and cuddled on the couch with Logan, playing with the puppets he had us playing with last night. After a big hug, telling him how much I love him, he kisses me on the cheek "I love you too Mom". Thus commenced the cheek-kissing game of tag with lots of giggles.
My goal is to make sure my boys get a good laugh at least once a day. We need to.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Putting in overtime
At the beginning of the week, Bill left for the East coast for business leaving me with the boys for three days. This was actually his first business trip since starting with the company a little over a year ago (I think?). We've known for a while now that business trips are in his future, but luckily, not that often. About once a quarter or so and as of now, they will all be in the States. For a while there, there was discussion about him going to Europe which both made me green with envy and freaked out at the same time.
Anyway, I was gearing myself up for some hard work being a single parent for a few days. I really thought it would be difficult. But you know what? It wasn't. It was actually pretty easy! Monday started off the week on a perfect note; Logan being very cooperative, following direction and being on his best behavior while we went grocery shopping. I got to make a delicious shrimp dinner that Bill would have hated (he is totally grossed out by seafood). As a stay at home mom, the only extra step I had to take was getting both kids bathed and in bed. Not that difficult. Really, with Bill being gone, all I had was an extra two to three hours of work each day. It was like I was putting in overtime.
Tuesday was pretty average, not too bad behavior-wise and again, I made another great dinner that Bill wouldn't eat (orange rosemary chicken. YUM!). The kids had a great time taking their bath together again and another easy day was under my belt. Bill came home Wednesday and we went out for lunch after picking him up. That's when Logan started acting up. Talk about great timing.
So, the next time Bill goes on a business trip (possibly in April), I'm not going to be worried about being on my own with the kids at all. It's not that much more work for me and I get to eat whatever I want to make. The big downside is going to bed alone. I hate that. A lot. So, I'll always look forward to him coming home and not sleeping by myself.
Anyway, I was gearing myself up for some hard work being a single parent for a few days. I really thought it would be difficult. But you know what? It wasn't. It was actually pretty easy! Monday started off the week on a perfect note; Logan being very cooperative, following direction and being on his best behavior while we went grocery shopping. I got to make a delicious shrimp dinner that Bill would have hated (he is totally grossed out by seafood). As a stay at home mom, the only extra step I had to take was getting both kids bathed and in bed. Not that difficult. Really, with Bill being gone, all I had was an extra two to three hours of work each day. It was like I was putting in overtime.
Tuesday was pretty average, not too bad behavior-wise and again, I made another great dinner that Bill wouldn't eat (orange rosemary chicken. YUM!). The kids had a great time taking their bath together again and another easy day was under my belt. Bill came home Wednesday and we went out for lunch after picking him up. That's when Logan started acting up. Talk about great timing.
So, the next time Bill goes on a business trip (possibly in April), I'm not going to be worried about being on my own with the kids at all. It's not that much more work for me and I get to eat whatever I want to make. The big downside is going to bed alone. I hate that. A lot. So, I'll always look forward to him coming home and not sleeping by myself.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
So thankful
I am so thankful for all of the friends I have out there - the ones who've left comments about Carter's possible colic/refux and suggestions of what's worked for them, the one's who sent personal emails of sympathy and the one's in MOMS Club who have helped me out tremendously with many often emailing to check-in and offering a break. It's been uplifting to feel the support. I don't know what I would have done without it all.
When I first started blogging, I never thought I would have found so many friends around the world. I just wrote (and still write) about our life, nothing of much interest to anyone else, but something of a record our family could have of our experiences and feelings growing up. Little did I know that I would be part of a network of other moms living similar lives and helping one another out. I love it.
I'm also extremely lucky that I belong to the MOMS Club chapter that I do. Not to brag, but we really do have an amazing group of moms and our chapter functions well, offering moms the support they need. Our playgroups are well attended, the babysitting co-op is popular, there are other parts of the club that are fun and give us an opportunity to use our brains for something other than changing diapers (cooking club, book club) and life-long friendships have been made doing so. I've have friends who give their shoulders to cry on, friends who understand the trials of motherhood and friends who are quick to help with anything I would need - bringing meals over, spur of the moment playdates for the kids on boring days, house cleaning while I was sick, taking care of Logan while we were in the hospital having Carter, the list goes on.
Yesterday I had many hands helping me with Logan while Carter was fussing at our meeting. Today we hosted playgroup and knowing how difficult it is for us to be on time to playgroup, we would undoubtedly still be in our pajamas. I gave everyone the heads up and offered to have a pajama playgroup. Everyone had a great time playing in their footie pajamas and one of the moms made vegan cinnamon buns (a lot of us nursing moms can't have dairy and she knew that Logan couldn't have egg. She was thoughtful enough to make something that everyone could eat). Our little pajama party was a great way to start the day.
Between the two, blogging and MOMS Club, I'm thankful beyond words.
When I first started blogging, I never thought I would have found so many friends around the world. I just wrote (and still write) about our life, nothing of much interest to anyone else, but something of a record our family could have of our experiences and feelings growing up. Little did I know that I would be part of a network of other moms living similar lives and helping one another out. I love it.
I'm also extremely lucky that I belong to the MOMS Club chapter that I do. Not to brag, but we really do have an amazing group of moms and our chapter functions well, offering moms the support they need. Our playgroups are well attended, the babysitting co-op is popular, there are other parts of the club that are fun and give us an opportunity to use our brains for something other than changing diapers (cooking club, book club) and life-long friendships have been made doing so. I've have friends who give their shoulders to cry on, friends who understand the trials of motherhood and friends who are quick to help with anything I would need - bringing meals over, spur of the moment playdates for the kids on boring days, house cleaning while I was sick, taking care of Logan while we were in the hospital having Carter, the list goes on.
Yesterday I had many hands helping me with Logan while Carter was fussing at our meeting. Today we hosted playgroup and knowing how difficult it is for us to be on time to playgroup, we would undoubtedly still be in our pajamas. I gave everyone the heads up and offered to have a pajama playgroup. Everyone had a great time playing in their footie pajamas and one of the moms made vegan cinnamon buns (a lot of us nursing moms can't have dairy and she knew that Logan couldn't have egg. She was thoughtful enough to make something that everyone could eat). Our little pajama party was a great way to start the day.
Between the two, blogging and MOMS Club, I'm thankful beyond words.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Not happy tears
Today was the first day I've been brought to tears from the overwhelming feeling of trying to make everyone happy. Carter did not sleep well at all last night & I was up for two or three hours at the crack of dawn with him. By the time he got to sleep, it was time to get up & get ready for the day. All I could think about was how we're only three weeks into this not sleeping through the night business & I would do anything for a solid five or six hours of sleep. We got up & drove Bill to work then came home to get ready for playgroup.
If Logan had not known it was playgroup day, I probably would have stayed home to rest, but he was excited about playing with his friends & talked about it all morning. I couldn't tell him that we were going to stay home because he would have flipped out & it would have made the day even worse. So, I tried to get everyone fed, changed, cleaned up & ready to go. Sometimes this feels like a never ending cycle. Then, I noticed that Carter is getting onto somewhat of a schedule & beginning to take a regular morning nap (for 30 minutes) & I tried to make room for that as well. On our dive to our friend's house, Carter started to get hungry again (thanks to his growth spurt that I think is just ending) & screamed & cried the whole way there, even though he just ate before we left.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about how hard it was to make everyone happy all of the time. To take care of Carter's basic needs, to make sure Logan gets to do his fun things at the same time, to try & manage the house, the bills - just everything. I was able to take a few deep breaths & get myself in check as we were driving up the driveway & ready to walk in the door.
Even though we were late, playgroup was fun. Logan played with his friends & some cool toys & I was thankful to have friends to talk to who understood exactly how I was feeling. Having this kind of support definitely helps curb Mom Stress before it gets out of control. On our drive back home, I was feeling a little bit better from the small break & conversation. I've never been great a multi-tasking & tend to get overwhelmed when I don't feel like I have everything under control. I thought back to some times in my life when multi-tasking brought me to practical nervous breakdowns (working in the Chiropractic office) & it kind of sunk in that the challenges we go through in life prepare us for events that we will deal with in the future. Without living through that, the extreme anxiety brought on by the in-laws after Logan was born & other stressful situations, I would never have been able to just take a deep breath & move on this morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm growing up just as fast as my kids are.
Today was the first day I've been brought to tears from the overwhelming feeling of trying to make everyone happy. Carter did not sleep well at all last night & I was up for two or three hours at the crack of dawn with him. By the time he got to sleep, it was time to get up & get ready for the day. All I could think about was how we're only three weeks into this not sleeping through the night business & I would do anything for a solid five or six hours of sleep. We got up & drove Bill to work then came home to get ready for playgroup.
If Logan had not known it was playgroup day, I probably would have stayed home to rest, but he was excited about playing with his friends & talked about it all morning. I couldn't tell him that we were going to stay home because he would have flipped out & it would have made the day even worse. So, I tried to get everyone fed, changed, cleaned up & ready to go. Sometimes this feels like a never ending cycle. Then, I noticed that Carter is getting onto somewhat of a schedule & beginning to take a regular morning nap (for 30 minutes) & I tried to make room for that as well. On our dive to our friend's house, Carter started to get hungry again (thanks to his growth spurt that I think is just ending) & screamed & cried the whole way there, even though he just ate before we left.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about how hard it was to make everyone happy all of the time. To take care of Carter's basic needs, to make sure Logan gets to do his fun things at the same time, to try & manage the house, the bills - just everything. I was able to take a few deep breaths & get myself in check as we were driving up the driveway & ready to walk in the door.
Even though we were late, playgroup was fun. Logan played with his friends & some cool toys & I was thankful to have friends to talk to who understood exactly how I was feeling. Having this kind of support definitely helps curb Mom Stress before it gets out of control. On our drive back home, I was feeling a little bit better from the small break & conversation. I've never been great a multi-tasking & tend to get overwhelmed when I don't feel like I have everything under control. I thought back to some times in my life when multi-tasking brought me to practical nervous breakdowns (working in the Chiropractic office) & it kind of sunk in that the challenges we go through in life prepare us for events that we will deal with in the future. Without living through that, the extreme anxiety brought on by the in-laws after Logan was born & other stressful situations, I would never have been able to just take a deep breath & move on this morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm growing up just as fast as my kids are.
Monday, September 29, 2008
First & Last
Having two kids is a bittersweet experience so far. Each child comes with a very different & unique specialness to them. What I missed with one, I relish in the other. What future I looked forward to with one, I almost dread seeing come for the other. What once was a life of go, go, go is now switching to a mentality of slow, slow, slow.
With Logan being the first, my outlook was more along the lines of our life being an exciting adventure - everyday was new, uncharted territory. I was thrilled with every milestone reached, eagerly anticipating the next. I didn't really think about how fast things change or how quickly Logan grows. My frame of mind was much like his personality: energy driven, fearless & independent.
With Carter being our last, I want to make sure things move at a more steady pace, cherishing every last moment of newness & infancy. So far, each day is familiar & comfortable, like putting on a favorite pair of worn-in jeans. Life just "fits". But I'm sad to see each new milestone reached, like his newborn clothes fitting better & him being able to sleep in the bassinet for most of the night. Life is happening too fast already.
While I'm not disappointed that I'll never live nine months of life with hyperemesis again, I will miss having those familiar kicks of life come from within. It's a feeling like no other. Having a body sharing life with another has been replaced with the feeling of separateness & emptiness, the unexplainable closeness forever gone. And as intense as labor & delivery is, I'm almost heartbroken that I will never experience the exciting miracle of birth again. That part of life is over, never to be lived for a third time. That in itself brings tears to my eyes.
Logically, I know that a family of four is right for us. I realize this every time we go out together, with one parent wrangling a child each. The balance is perfect. Not only can we manage two kids equally (or individually), but financially it makes sense & emotionally it makes even more sense. I know that I can only handle two kids. The stress of dealing with three or more would kill me.
So, I cling to the new softness that Carter emits, the clean baby smell & precious look about him, his tiny scrunched up body - nose, eyes, hands & toes. Every grunt & squeak makes me smile because I know that soon enough they will change into screams, shrieks & finally words & sentences. I take the time to study his sleeping face, to caress his fragile head & cuddle his small, little person. The sweetness & innocence will fade into memories all too soon.
And I continue to live the adventure with Logan, full of curiosity & discovery, growing up faster than ever now. I try to take a step back & remember the funny things he says, the excitement he exudes when doing something fun & new. I know all too well that while today he's playing pretend with his cars & asking for his teddy bear at nap time, tomorrow he'll ride a bike, learn to read & all too soon begin a life of his own.
Having two kids is a bittersweet experience so far. Each child comes with a very different & unique specialness to them. What I missed with one, I relish in the other. What future I looked forward to with one, I almost dread seeing come for the other. What once was a life of go, go, go is now switching to a mentality of slow, slow, slow.
With Logan being the first, my outlook was more along the lines of our life being an exciting adventure - everyday was new, uncharted territory. I was thrilled with every milestone reached, eagerly anticipating the next. I didn't really think about how fast things change or how quickly Logan grows. My frame of mind was much like his personality: energy driven, fearless & independent.
With Carter being our last, I want to make sure things move at a more steady pace, cherishing every last moment of newness & infancy. So far, each day is familiar & comfortable, like putting on a favorite pair of worn-in jeans. Life just "fits". But I'm sad to see each new milestone reached, like his newborn clothes fitting better & him being able to sleep in the bassinet for most of the night. Life is happening too fast already.
While I'm not disappointed that I'll never live nine months of life with hyperemesis again, I will miss having those familiar kicks of life come from within. It's a feeling like no other. Having a body sharing life with another has been replaced with the feeling of separateness & emptiness, the unexplainable closeness forever gone. And as intense as labor & delivery is, I'm almost heartbroken that I will never experience the exciting miracle of birth again. That part of life is over, never to be lived for a third time. That in itself brings tears to my eyes.
Logically, I know that a family of four is right for us. I realize this every time we go out together, with one parent wrangling a child each. The balance is perfect. Not only can we manage two kids equally (or individually), but financially it makes sense & emotionally it makes even more sense. I know that I can only handle two kids. The stress of dealing with three or more would kill me.
So, I cling to the new softness that Carter emits, the clean baby smell & precious look about him, his tiny scrunched up body - nose, eyes, hands & toes. Every grunt & squeak makes me smile because I know that soon enough they will change into screams, shrieks & finally words & sentences. I take the time to study his sleeping face, to caress his fragile head & cuddle his small, little person. The sweetness & innocence will fade into memories all too soon.
And I continue to live the adventure with Logan, full of curiosity & discovery, growing up faster than ever now. I try to take a step back & remember the funny things he says, the excitement he exudes when doing something fun & new. I know all too well that while today he's playing pretend with his cars & asking for his teddy bear at nap time, tomorrow he'll ride a bike, learn to read & all too soon begin a life of his own.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sometimes he gets it
I've mentioned before that one topic that I often neglect on the blog is that of our marriage & my relationship with Bill. I might have had a post here & there, a few when we were figuring out the family drama, but for the most part some things are better left between just the two of us. However, sometimes I do have to write about us because it is a moment in our life that I would like to remember so when we're 80 & have no recollection of the previous day let alone events 60 years ago - I have it here.
Pregnancy is difficult on any marriage, no matter how long you've been married or how strong your relationship was before the test came back positive. Although not as difficult as the first time, subsequent pregnancies still present regular challenges that truly test you, or at least us anyway. Add pregnancy complications, hormones & Terrible Two's to the mix & you've got 9 months of some not so fun times.
When I was in the throws of HG, it was tough for Bill. He would wake up & take care of Logan before going to work, then come home (when I was at my very worst) & continue to take care of the things that I couldn't - dinners, dishes & getting Logan to bed. He pretty much had the role of a single Dad for about 10 weeks while I lay on the couch practically dying. With the added stress of some difficult sales at work, I understood that it was not an easy time for him. It wasn't an easy time for anyone in our home. There were many frustrated nights on both our parts, Bill dealing with the extra work & then me dealing with a chronic illness (with complaints & whining coming from both sides).
When I'm sick with HG, I'm by no means an easy person to live with. In fact, I turn into an incredibly terrible person, depressed, angry & just ugly in every sense of the word. When I was working in spinal rehab, I never really understood why my patients with chronic pain had terrible attitudes, but now I get it. It's hard to be chipper when you feel like walking death & that poor attitude doesn't make difficult situations any easier for anyone else in the house.
As I started to feel better, I began taking over again. Bill still gets up with Logan in the morning & gets his breakfast ready, but I'm able to get back to regular life, paying the bills, getting dinners together & putting Logan down to bed. Bill is able to take some time for himself going disc golfing with his co-workers a few nights a week & playing in video poker tournaments for downtime when he comes home. Things soon went from one extreme to another where he was once doing it all to now leaving it all to me while living in a bigger home with a longer list of responsibilities (that required more physical energy than I had).
Once again, very frustrated nights mixed with exhaustion - both physically & mentally ( dealing with toddler screams all day long) & pregnancy hormones led to some ugly nights. But to give Bill some credit - he got it (even if it took more than one crazy pregnant wife freakout). He started helping out around the house a little more to the point where I can't even remember the last time I was the one who did the dishes. Taking care of the house is still overwhelming but I'm working on a solution for that (knock on wood that it actually follows through!) & the small things that Bill has started doing regularly has helped a great deal.
But this is where he really gets it.
It's no secret that Logan is in a "difficult stage" to say the least. And to be frank, I honestly don't know of another kid his age that can outdo his extreme tantrums. I've never seen another mother drag her child by the hand across a parking lot because they would rather run around than behave & listen. I've never witnessed another temper tantrum in the store to the point where the mom had to leave her cart full of groceries. I've also never come across another mother who's had to put her child in time-out in a public place like the mall or the front sidewalk of the grocery store. I've never seen a parent leave a class to never return due to their child's problematic behavior. I've experienced all of these events more than once & it really brings me to the point of insanity.
Bill has been the victim of frustrated crazy pregnant wife phone calls - screaming & crying about how I can't take it anymore. After leaving the grocery store today (again) such a phone call was made (it makes more sense to me to vent to Bill in the heat of the moment than scream at Logan about it). He rescheduled his disc golf night & said that he would stay home to help out. I picked him up from work only to see him standing there with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's "chocolate therapy" in hand. Logan ran around & played on the courtyard playground & we got more ice cream for Bill & Logan to eat too. It was a much needed break & a huge relief.
While I still have to tell him to "think about the details" & there are times that I think he puts more effort & thoughtfulness into a co-workers birthday rather than Mother's Day (don't even ask), sometimes he gets it.
I've mentioned before that one topic that I often neglect on the blog is that of our marriage & my relationship with Bill. I might have had a post here & there, a few when we were figuring out the family drama, but for the most part some things are better left between just the two of us. However, sometimes I do have to write about us because it is a moment in our life that I would like to remember so when we're 80 & have no recollection of the previous day let alone events 60 years ago - I have it here.
Pregnancy is difficult on any marriage, no matter how long you've been married or how strong your relationship was before the test came back positive. Although not as difficult as the first time, subsequent pregnancies still present regular challenges that truly test you, or at least us anyway. Add pregnancy complications, hormones & Terrible Two's to the mix & you've got 9 months of some not so fun times.
When I was in the throws of HG, it was tough for Bill. He would wake up & take care of Logan before going to work, then come home (when I was at my very worst) & continue to take care of the things that I couldn't - dinners, dishes & getting Logan to bed. He pretty much had the role of a single Dad for about 10 weeks while I lay on the couch practically dying. With the added stress of some difficult sales at work, I understood that it was not an easy time for him. It wasn't an easy time for anyone in our home. There were many frustrated nights on both our parts, Bill dealing with the extra work & then me dealing with a chronic illness (with complaints & whining coming from both sides).
When I'm sick with HG, I'm by no means an easy person to live with. In fact, I turn into an incredibly terrible person, depressed, angry & just ugly in every sense of the word. When I was working in spinal rehab, I never really understood why my patients with chronic pain had terrible attitudes, but now I get it. It's hard to be chipper when you feel like walking death & that poor attitude doesn't make difficult situations any easier for anyone else in the house.
As I started to feel better, I began taking over again. Bill still gets up with Logan in the morning & gets his breakfast ready, but I'm able to get back to regular life, paying the bills, getting dinners together & putting Logan down to bed. Bill is able to take some time for himself going disc golfing with his co-workers a few nights a week & playing in video poker tournaments for downtime when he comes home. Things soon went from one extreme to another where he was once doing it all to now leaving it all to me while living in a bigger home with a longer list of responsibilities (that required more physical energy than I had).
Once again, very frustrated nights mixed with exhaustion - both physically & mentally ( dealing with toddler screams all day long) & pregnancy hormones led to some ugly nights. But to give Bill some credit - he got it (even if it took more than one crazy pregnant wife freakout). He started helping out around the house a little more to the point where I can't even remember the last time I was the one who did the dishes. Taking care of the house is still overwhelming but I'm working on a solution for that (knock on wood that it actually follows through!) & the small things that Bill has started doing regularly has helped a great deal.
But this is where he really gets it.
It's no secret that Logan is in a "difficult stage" to say the least. And to be frank, I honestly don't know of another kid his age that can outdo his extreme tantrums. I've never seen another mother drag her child by the hand across a parking lot because they would rather run around than behave & listen. I've never witnessed another temper tantrum in the store to the point where the mom had to leave her cart full of groceries. I've also never come across another mother who's had to put her child in time-out in a public place like the mall or the front sidewalk of the grocery store. I've never seen a parent leave a class to never return due to their child's problematic behavior. I've experienced all of these events more than once & it really brings me to the point of insanity.
Bill has been the victim of frustrated crazy pregnant wife phone calls - screaming & crying about how I can't take it anymore. After leaving the grocery store today (again) such a phone call was made (it makes more sense to me to vent to Bill in the heat of the moment than scream at Logan about it). He rescheduled his disc golf night & said that he would stay home to help out. I picked him up from work only to see him standing there with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's "chocolate therapy" in hand. Logan ran around & played on the courtyard playground & we got more ice cream for Bill & Logan to eat too. It was a much needed break & a huge relief.
While I still have to tell him to "think about the details" & there are times that I think he puts more effort & thoughtfulness into a co-workers birthday rather than Mother's Day (don't even ask), sometimes he gets it.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Do I need a W2 for this?
At the beginning of May this year, Salary.com came out with an update for the valuation of a Stay At Home Mom's job. It was determined that Stay At Home Moms perform 1o typical jobs (house keeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, etc) that would equate to an annual salary of $138, 095.
Recently, I've been thinking about what my "paycheck" would be if I got paid to stay at home. I honestly think I would be on the highest end of the earning scale based on all of the insurance & lawsuit situations that I've been working on. My house is certainly not the cleanest with Logan throwing food on the floor at every meal, Buddha & Kitty shedding hair all over in the computer room & Bill never picking up after himself, but I do a whole lot more than just cleaning. I've decided to make a list of all of the jobs that I do (daily or not) for those who "wonder what I do all day long".
At the beginning of May this year, Salary.com came out with an update for the valuation of a Stay At Home Mom's job. It was determined that Stay At Home Moms perform 1o typical jobs (house keeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, etc) that would equate to an annual salary of $138, 095.
Recently, I've been thinking about what my "paycheck" would be if I got paid to stay at home. I honestly think I would be on the highest end of the earning scale based on all of the insurance & lawsuit situations that I've been working on. My house is certainly not the cleanest with Logan throwing food on the floor at every meal, Buddha & Kitty shedding hair all over in the computer room & Bill never picking up after himself, but I do a whole lot more than just cleaning. I've decided to make a list of all of the jobs that I do (daily or not) for those who "wonder what I do all day long".
- Nutritionist - Developing balanced meal plans for Logan, regardless is he eats it or not. Reading nutrition labels making sure meals are allergen-free.
- Cook - Making said meal plans.
- Personal Trainer - Not only training clients (one-on-one or through cyber-training) but making sure Logan gets some physical activity every day as well.
- Board Member of Non-Profit Organization - Planning meetings, organizing functions, overseeing co-ops.
- Health & Fitness Writer - Keeping my mind sharp & up to date on the latest fitness trends.
- Computer Operator - Maintaining both blogs & taking care of emails.
- House Keeper - Doing 98% of the house work.
- Family Cab Driver - Driving Bill to & from work, taking Logan out for playgroups & other activities.
- Insurance Billing Accountant - Continually keeping our insurance coverage situation straightened out.
- Paralegal/Attorney - Researching information & filing multiple lawsuits.
- Nurse/Health Care Specialist - Researching information on vaccinations & food allergies, removing foreign objects from Logan's nose & taking care of his personal care needs.
- Day Care Teacher - Playing games with Logan, reading to him, coloring & making sure he gets social interaction with other kids.
- Psychologist - Teaching Logan good behavioral techniques to reduce temper tantrums & dealing with Bill's family.
- Financial Planner/Family CFO - Paying all of the bills & maintaining the budget, finding cost-cutting spending solutions.
- Photographer - Being diligent on taking Logan's pictures.
- Hair Stylist- Cutting Logan's hair as Bill is now banned from even touching the boys head.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
My own personal stay home mom vs working mom epiphany
A couple of weeks ago it became very clear to me as to why I was having such a difficult time with Bill's suggestion (& really, pleading) for me to go back to work.
When he would mention it, I got a knot in my stomach. I would then go over the budget again to see where we could trim here & there, to see what other sacrifices we could make. I would often tell Bill that I would eat rice & beans forever if it meant that I could still stay at home. Being at home was the life I wanted our family to have. The stay at home mom was the mother I never had.
Right around Logan's birthday, we talked more about how Bill needed help. I still wrestled with it, but was more comfortable with the end result because for one, Bill needed help. Then, Logan & I were beginning to wean. I was satisfied that I stayed home with Logan for his first year. We were able to nurse to our "goal" of a year. I was there to see all of his firsts. He was becoming more & more independent everyday.
But I still procrastinated. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks why. Fear. I was afraid of failure.
I had a deep feeling of fear of being a complete failure. If I went back to work, I felt like I would fail at being the best mom that I could be to Logan. I also felt like that work itself was another opportunity to fail. So here I was thinking that I could not be the mom I wanted to be & not the employee I knew I could be.
It was something that I couldn't handle.
That fear stopped me from doing anything to move forward, regardless of my husbands cries for help. It stopped me from action. It killed my motivation on a personal level. It stopped me from even thinking about solutions. I dug my heels into the ground, resiting every inch of the notion.
While I was buying my time, waiting until the very last minute for the inevitable, I got Stefanie's email.
Before that day, I was beginning to realize on a personal level, that no matter what kind of mother I am to Logan, it will never fix my childhood. I will never have a different mother & I am not my mother. While the perfectionist in me still might strive for the impossible, this family experience is ours alone. Not a recreation of the past. Not a prevention of the past. Just us moving & growing forward in our own way.
I was on the right path to dealing with the fear of failure at home. At that same time, it was like the planets aligned when I received that email. Her simple email just asking if I would develop a fitness program for her gave me the courage to face the fear of failure in the working world. It was even better than that because it created an opportunity where I could overcome that fear AND continue to be at home with Logan.
It was perfect timing. It's been an amazing time of growth, personally & professionally.
A couple of weeks ago it became very clear to me as to why I was having such a difficult time with Bill's suggestion (& really, pleading) for me to go back to work.
When he would mention it, I got a knot in my stomach. I would then go over the budget again to see where we could trim here & there, to see what other sacrifices we could make. I would often tell Bill that I would eat rice & beans forever if it meant that I could still stay at home. Being at home was the life I wanted our family to have. The stay at home mom was the mother I never had.
Right around Logan's birthday, we talked more about how Bill needed help. I still wrestled with it, but was more comfortable with the end result because for one, Bill needed help. Then, Logan & I were beginning to wean. I was satisfied that I stayed home with Logan for his first year. We were able to nurse to our "goal" of a year. I was there to see all of his firsts. He was becoming more & more independent everyday.
But I still procrastinated. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks why. Fear. I was afraid of failure.
I had a deep feeling of fear of being a complete failure. If I went back to work, I felt like I would fail at being the best mom that I could be to Logan. I also felt like that work itself was another opportunity to fail. So here I was thinking that I could not be the mom I wanted to be & not the employee I knew I could be.
It was something that I couldn't handle.
That fear stopped me from doing anything to move forward, regardless of my husbands cries for help. It stopped me from action. It killed my motivation on a personal level. It stopped me from even thinking about solutions. I dug my heels into the ground, resiting every inch of the notion.
While I was buying my time, waiting until the very last minute for the inevitable, I got Stefanie's email.
Before that day, I was beginning to realize on a personal level, that no matter what kind of mother I am to Logan, it will never fix my childhood. I will never have a different mother & I am not my mother. While the perfectionist in me still might strive for the impossible, this family experience is ours alone. Not a recreation of the past. Not a prevention of the past. Just us moving & growing forward in our own way.
I was on the right path to dealing with the fear of failure at home. At that same time, it was like the planets aligned when I received that email. Her simple email just asking if I would develop a fitness program for her gave me the courage to face the fear of failure in the working world. It was even better than that because it created an opportunity where I could overcome that fear AND continue to be at home with Logan.
It was perfect timing. It's been an amazing time of growth, personally & professionally.
Friday, February 02, 2007
I need a makeover
I need this in so many ways. Recently I've been feeling like a frumpy house wife. Honestly, I know that it being winter has a lot to do with it. Logan & I have been getting out for playgroups every week (almost), but when it's zero degrees (like it is right now), I don't want to get out of my pajamas.
So, I don't get out of my pajamas & neither does Logan. Unless he gets food all over them, which he usually does. Then the days that we do get showered & dressed, I feel like I have nothing to wear. I throw clothes out of drawers & off of hangers searching for something warm & "not frumpy". I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but they don't fit me. I bought those clothes when I had a six pack (or close to it) & if I was flashing my stomach...big deal. I worked hard for it & short shirts were fun to wear.
Not anymore. It really feels ridiculous, out of place & it's just not me. When did I become so conservative? I wear layers now. I always wear some kind of undershirt, usually a white tank that is long enough to cover any skin if I raise my arms & the shorter top layer rises up. For those of you who are LDS or have LDS family, I feel like I'm wearing garments. Garments!!!! By my own choice!!!!!
I know my overindulgence in the holiday baking has a lot to do with it. Bill & I have had cupcakes for breakfast the last two days. That accompanied by not leaving the house & not exercising, well, Thank God I still fit into my clothes.
Then there's my hair. I need to get it cut. Logan was three months old the last time I stepped foot into a salon. I'm back to the daily pony tail.
And then, my glasses. When we moved, I ran out of contacts & never got another supply. Now I need to get another exam. My glasses are old as dirt too. While I like the librarian style, it's time for an updated look.
I need to get into the dentist too. My daily morning coffee has done wonders for the stained teeth look. Yeah, gorgeous.
Wow. I sound like a total mess. Pajamas, out of shape, pony tail, glasses & coffee stained teeth. It's amazing that Bill's still married to me. Have I really let myself go?
For a while, Bill & I have been talking about me going back to work. Before he got his promotion, it was because I had to do it for our family. Now there's less pressure & I don't have to make "X" amount & it will be nice to have some extra money. This will solve some issues; going out & getting clothes that I like that suite my lifestyle, having some cash for the salon, teeth whitening & some new glasses/contacts & it gets my big butt back into shape again.
Bill is coming home today with his new work schedule. Then I'm going to figure out when I can get into the gym. I'm giving myself a month to get back into shape before I start training again. I've lost 30 pounds in two months before ( I was at 30% body fat. I'm probably right back there again) & I've also gained 10 pounds of muscle in one month too (I was at 17% body fat. Don't know if I want to go there again). 30 days is plenty of time to get back into "fighting shape". It also gives me some time to scope out the gym & start finding potential clients.
Logan is a year old & we are starting to wean from breast feeding. He's down to nursing at breakfast & dinner. Once he's completely weaned, I'll start taking my supplements again. That's when I'll do a detox fast as well. I used to do one every spring. Kind of like a spring cleaning for the body. It looks like I'm right on schedule.
You know what else needs a makeover? This blog. I guess since I'm going back to work, even if it is part time, am I still qualified to call myself a stay at home mom? I've been looking for different templates, but haven't found one that I like. If I don't find anything, I'll probably just add "The Toddler Edition" to the title. No worries though, it won't be password protected & I'm not going to change the URL. Any suggestions or opinions would be cool.
Holy crap, this is one crazy post.
I need this in so many ways. Recently I've been feeling like a frumpy house wife. Honestly, I know that it being winter has a lot to do with it. Logan & I have been getting out for playgroups every week (almost), but when it's zero degrees (like it is right now), I don't want to get out of my pajamas.
So, I don't get out of my pajamas & neither does Logan. Unless he gets food all over them, which he usually does. Then the days that we do get showered & dressed, I feel like I have nothing to wear. I throw clothes out of drawers & off of hangers searching for something warm & "not frumpy". I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but they don't fit me. I bought those clothes when I had a six pack (or close to it) & if I was flashing my stomach...big deal. I worked hard for it & short shirts were fun to wear.
Not anymore. It really feels ridiculous, out of place & it's just not me. When did I become so conservative? I wear layers now. I always wear some kind of undershirt, usually a white tank that is long enough to cover any skin if I raise my arms & the shorter top layer rises up. For those of you who are LDS or have LDS family, I feel like I'm wearing garments. Garments!!!! By my own choice!!!!!
I know my overindulgence in the holiday baking has a lot to do with it. Bill & I have had cupcakes for breakfast the last two days. That accompanied by not leaving the house & not exercising, well, Thank God I still fit into my clothes.
Then there's my hair. I need to get it cut. Logan was three months old the last time I stepped foot into a salon. I'm back to the daily pony tail.
And then, my glasses. When we moved, I ran out of contacts & never got another supply. Now I need to get another exam. My glasses are old as dirt too. While I like the librarian style, it's time for an updated look.
I need to get into the dentist too. My daily morning coffee has done wonders for the stained teeth look. Yeah, gorgeous.
Wow. I sound like a total mess. Pajamas, out of shape, pony tail, glasses & coffee stained teeth. It's amazing that Bill's still married to me. Have I really let myself go?
For a while, Bill & I have been talking about me going back to work. Before he got his promotion, it was because I had to do it for our family. Now there's less pressure & I don't have to make "X" amount & it will be nice to have some extra money. This will solve some issues; going out & getting clothes that I like that suite my lifestyle, having some cash for the salon, teeth whitening & some new glasses/contacts & it gets my big butt back into shape again.
Bill is coming home today with his new work schedule. Then I'm going to figure out when I can get into the gym. I'm giving myself a month to get back into shape before I start training again. I've lost 30 pounds in two months before ( I was at 30% body fat. I'm probably right back there again) & I've also gained 10 pounds of muscle in one month too (I was at 17% body fat. Don't know if I want to go there again). 30 days is plenty of time to get back into "fighting shape". It also gives me some time to scope out the gym & start finding potential clients.
Logan is a year old & we are starting to wean from breast feeding. He's down to nursing at breakfast & dinner. Once he's completely weaned, I'll start taking my supplements again. That's when I'll do a detox fast as well. I used to do one every spring. Kind of like a spring cleaning for the body. It looks like I'm right on schedule.
You know what else needs a makeover? This blog. I guess since I'm going back to work, even if it is part time, am I still qualified to call myself a stay at home mom? I've been looking for different templates, but haven't found one that I like. If I don't find anything, I'll probably just add "The Toddler Edition" to the title. No worries though, it won't be password protected & I'm not going to change the URL. Any suggestions or opinions would be cool.
Holy crap, this is one crazy post.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Bored? Lonely? Hmmm.
Logan has been incredibly tired today. He slept in until 8 ish. We hung out & watched Little Einsteins. I nursed him, leaving him with Bill & went to an appointment. I got home around 9:30, gave Logan breakfast & not much later, he went down for his morning nap. He didn't wake up until 12:45 pm. That's sleeping for almost three hours.
After he woke up, I nursed him again & waited for Bill to get home so we could switch. I had another appointment at 1 pm & Bill watched Logan on his lunch break. I got home, fed Logan lunch & played for a little bit. He was super tired again. He went down for another nap & has been asleep for a little over an hour. It must be all of the walking that's wearing him out.
So here I sit, pacing back & forth. Surfing the internet. Checking out different blogs. Bored out of my mind! I really don't feel like cleaning. That's no fun. Everyone is either at work, or snowed in from the second storm we endured last night. While I really enjoy some time to myself, some peace & quiet, I don't know what to do with it when I get it. It feels kind of pathetic.
Logan has been incredibly tired today. He slept in until 8 ish. We hung out & watched Little Einsteins. I nursed him, leaving him with Bill & went to an appointment. I got home around 9:30, gave Logan breakfast & not much later, he went down for his morning nap. He didn't wake up until 12:45 pm. That's sleeping for almost three hours.
After he woke up, I nursed him again & waited for Bill to get home so we could switch. I had another appointment at 1 pm & Bill watched Logan on his lunch break. I got home, fed Logan lunch & played for a little bit. He was super tired again. He went down for another nap & has been asleep for a little over an hour. It must be all of the walking that's wearing him out.
So here I sit, pacing back & forth. Surfing the internet. Checking out different blogs. Bored out of my mind! I really don't feel like cleaning. That's no fun. Everyone is either at work, or snowed in from the second storm we endured last night. While I really enjoy some time to myself, some peace & quiet, I don't know what to do with it when I get it. It feels kind of pathetic.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Butterflies in my stomach
I'm trying to overcome a pretty big fear of mine right now. The fear of putting myself out there & getting rejected. I'm sending in my application to join a Mom's group.
What's strange is that when I was working, I was the most outgoing, social person in the gym. I had no problem starting a conversation & my clients worked with me for months. In fact, most of my clients were long term clients. I've changed quite a bit since staying at home.
I was always careful with whom I chose as friends outside of work. I don't know if I would call myself a snob, or just being selective. I don't know if it's because I have a hard time trusting people, or if I learned to be careful because of the kinds of people I've met throughout the years (Vegas was quite interesting in that respect). Everywhere Bill & I have lived, we seem to make one or two really great friends that we stay in touch with. I can count on one hand all of our very good friends.
I've wanted to join a Moms group mainly for Logan. To have a group of kids to play with & activities to get us out of the house so he can experience more in life. Now it's more for the two of us.
I have been going crazy (or have already been crazy) since Logan has been born. Isolation & the life change to being a stay at home mom or post-partum depression? I don't know, maybe both. It's been a little frustrating to say the least. Bill really has no clue how I feel. I think it may be impossible for men to understand women anyway. But that's the root right there. I feel very misunderstood.
So, while Logan gets to see & play with other kids, I'm going to meet other stay at home moms who understand. Women who understand what it's like to be at your ropes end when your baby has been whiny all day long. Who understand what it's like to be sleep deprived. Who understand the emotional changes that happen when you become a Mother.
It's a little scary & very different for me. Throughout my life, most of my friends have been guys. I have had some amazing girlfriends that I still keep in touch with, but the guys outnumber the girls. It's just the way it's been. Now, I can't relate to men at all. It's like they are aliens from another planet. Bill included.
The next meeting isn't until October 10th. I can go to the meeting without having to join, just to see if it's something I would be interested in doing. Or, if I want, I could send in my application with my membership fee (I had no idea that you had to pass a screening test & pay...interesting) & start going to the activities that are scheduled for this month. I haven't decided on what I'm going to do. Either way, I'm a little nervous.
I'm trying to overcome a pretty big fear of mine right now. The fear of putting myself out there & getting rejected. I'm sending in my application to join a Mom's group.
What's strange is that when I was working, I was the most outgoing, social person in the gym. I had no problem starting a conversation & my clients worked with me for months. In fact, most of my clients were long term clients. I've changed quite a bit since staying at home.
I was always careful with whom I chose as friends outside of work. I don't know if I would call myself a snob, or just being selective. I don't know if it's because I have a hard time trusting people, or if I learned to be careful because of the kinds of people I've met throughout the years (Vegas was quite interesting in that respect). Everywhere Bill & I have lived, we seem to make one or two really great friends that we stay in touch with. I can count on one hand all of our very good friends.
I've wanted to join a Moms group mainly for Logan. To have a group of kids to play with & activities to get us out of the house so he can experience more in life. Now it's more for the two of us.
I have been going crazy (or have already been crazy) since Logan has been born. Isolation & the life change to being a stay at home mom or post-partum depression? I don't know, maybe both. It's been a little frustrating to say the least. Bill really has no clue how I feel. I think it may be impossible for men to understand women anyway. But that's the root right there. I feel very misunderstood.
So, while Logan gets to see & play with other kids, I'm going to meet other stay at home moms who understand. Women who understand what it's like to be at your ropes end when your baby has been whiny all day long. Who understand what it's like to be sleep deprived. Who understand the emotional changes that happen when you become a Mother.
It's a little scary & very different for me. Throughout my life, most of my friends have been guys. I have had some amazing girlfriends that I still keep in touch with, but the guys outnumber the girls. It's just the way it's been. Now, I can't relate to men at all. It's like they are aliens from another planet. Bill included.
The next meeting isn't until October 10th. I can go to the meeting without having to join, just to see if it's something I would be interested in doing. Or, if I want, I could send in my application with my membership fee (I had no idea that you had to pass a screening test & pay...interesting) & start going to the activities that are scheduled for this month. I haven't decided on what I'm going to do. Either way, I'm a little nervous.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I think I'm starting to understand certain things about being a stay at home mom.
As much as I think I would be ok with living on my own island in the middle of nowhere, it's not true. I think I'm starting to understand the isolation of a stay at home mom. I never thought it would bother me lest even have any kind of effect on me. But it is.
When I was working in the gym, I would be talking from 6 am to 9 pm everyday. I would not only talk about workouts, tips & goals, but being a trainer is kind of like being someones' therapist. I would listen to & hear about things going on in my clients' lives outside of the gym. We would talk about weekend getaways & the stresses of work on people. There was a husband that tried to sabotage a wifes' nutrition plan by baking multiple cakes (leaving the frosting for her to do). There was also a couple that was in the beginning of divorce because the wife was shallow & wanted her husband to loose weight (he would be in tears in almost every session because of her. He achieved awesome results & saved the marriage. I ended up training her as well). Everyday was like a live soap opera.
Now my life consists of singing the alphabet, talking about changing "poops" & trying not to pull out my hair while screaming at 4 am when Logan won't stay asleep. When Bill comes home, he'll tell me about his day, but the conversation usually ends there. He's not much of a talker. I didn't think I was either, until now (however, last night we had hours of conversation about music & reminiscing about life in Vegas & Portland. It was really nice). I'm now finding myself keeping my sisters hostage on the phone again & verbally vomiting about everything that's going on.
Then there's the affects of isolation on Logan. People often justify going back to work & putting their baby in daycare by saying that it gives their kid an opportunity to socialize. I didn't really think about this until we were at the pool yesterday.
It was Logans' second time in the pool last night. He had a blast. He loosened up & splashed all over the place. He was fascinated by the other boys playing in the pool too. Logan was the youngest one in there, the other boys ranging in ages between 2 & 8. As he smacked his arms on the water, splashing everywhere, I watched his expressions. I looked into his eyes as he watched the other kids play. He would smile when they threw pool toys back & forth. I felt like he wanted to play with them. Now, I know he's only 4 months old, but at that moment I felt like he was a 6 year old boy standing on the side, feeling left out. It broke my heart.
I told Bill about this & of course he thought I was crazy. "What is he going to do when he plays with other kids? Aren't they just going to lie there & look at each other?" I know that if he were to play with other kids, it would be more than that. I told him that I didn't want to raise Logan to be a sheltered mamas boy. We talked about how moving is going to be a good change, giving Logan the opportunity to play with his cousin & other kids that we know. I'm looking forward to the adult conversation with other moms, even if it still is all about changing diapers & midnight madness.
As much as I think I would be ok with living on my own island in the middle of nowhere, it's not true. I think I'm starting to understand the isolation of a stay at home mom. I never thought it would bother me lest even have any kind of effect on me. But it is.
When I was working in the gym, I would be talking from 6 am to 9 pm everyday. I would not only talk about workouts, tips & goals, but being a trainer is kind of like being someones' therapist. I would listen to & hear about things going on in my clients' lives outside of the gym. We would talk about weekend getaways & the stresses of work on people. There was a husband that tried to sabotage a wifes' nutrition plan by baking multiple cakes (leaving the frosting for her to do). There was also a couple that was in the beginning of divorce because the wife was shallow & wanted her husband to loose weight (he would be in tears in almost every session because of her. He achieved awesome results & saved the marriage. I ended up training her as well). Everyday was like a live soap opera.
Now my life consists of singing the alphabet, talking about changing "poops" & trying not to pull out my hair while screaming at 4 am when Logan won't stay asleep. When Bill comes home, he'll tell me about his day, but the conversation usually ends there. He's not much of a talker. I didn't think I was either, until now (however, last night we had hours of conversation about music & reminiscing about life in Vegas & Portland. It was really nice). I'm now finding myself keeping my sisters hostage on the phone again & verbally vomiting about everything that's going on.
Then there's the affects of isolation on Logan. People often justify going back to work & putting their baby in daycare by saying that it gives their kid an opportunity to socialize. I didn't really think about this until we were at the pool yesterday.
It was Logans' second time in the pool last night. He had a blast. He loosened up & splashed all over the place. He was fascinated by the other boys playing in the pool too. Logan was the youngest one in there, the other boys ranging in ages between 2 & 8. As he smacked his arms on the water, splashing everywhere, I watched his expressions. I looked into his eyes as he watched the other kids play. He would smile when they threw pool toys back & forth. I felt like he wanted to play with them. Now, I know he's only 4 months old, but at that moment I felt like he was a 6 year old boy standing on the side, feeling left out. It broke my heart.
I told Bill about this & of course he thought I was crazy. "What is he going to do when he plays with other kids? Aren't they just going to lie there & look at each other?" I know that if he were to play with other kids, it would be more than that. I told him that I didn't want to raise Logan to be a sheltered mamas boy. We talked about how moving is going to be a good change, giving Logan the opportunity to play with his cousin & other kids that we know. I'm looking forward to the adult conversation with other moms, even if it still is all about changing diapers & midnight madness.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
When it rains, it pours & now it's flooding.
While the winds of change blow us around, I'm really trying to go with the flow. It feels like hurricane season though. There is something; a master plan, karma, what have you...but something is supposed to happen to us. So, I'm sitting here at home waiting for it to unfold. This is also my first experience of putting on a happy face for Logan & pretending everything is ok. Being a parent during times of strife & trying to keep it under wraps so as not to affect your children? Wow, it's tough.
All of the nanny positions that I've applied for are already filled. The work from home opportunities are a scam. I've planned on meeting the neighbors this Saturday at the neighborhood garage sale. I'm going to sell Logans' old clothes & then promote the mommy/baby boot camp. Last night we got a flier from someone who is doing the exact. same. thing. I was devastated. What in the hell am I going to do now? My only option at this point is to look at daycare programs for Logan & I'll go back to work. I was so upset last night I couldn't stop crying. Logan woke up & Bill had to go in to take care of him, otherwise it would have been a crying duet.
Bill told me that he was going to pull the money out of his 401K & that would get us back on track. Then he suggested we sell the house & move. My stomach dropped & my throat was tight. We've cut back on every expense that we can, but the mortgage is what's pulling us under.
This is our first home. We bought it when it was being framed. I got to pick everything out for the house. The hardwood floors, the corrian counter tops in the kitchen, the plush carpet upstairs, the stainless steel appliances, the spa-like master bathroom. All of it. We upgraded it to the max. It's a beautiful home. I remember coming to check on the construction progress every day. We were so excited. It was like watching our house being born. Frame work to dry wall. Electricity & plumbing. Painting, tile installation & then the appliances came in. The day we signed the final papers & were given the keys, we walked through the house. With tears in my eyes, I thanked Bill for all of his hard work. We worked so hard to get this house. Incredibly long hours for the both of us. Many sacrifices. But it all came together & we had something beautiful to show for it.
However, this house has a hefty mortgage. With two incomes, we can handle it. Even with Bill working as a manager we could stretch the dollar. Not anymore though. His demotion, my staying at home with Logan. It's not going to work. We have to make some tough decisions. What's more important? Staying at home with Logan or staying in our home? Logan is by far more important, of course.
Bill talked about leaving the gym & finding work somewhere else. He's always wanted to live in Fort Collins, where his sister lives. We really like it there. It's a cute little mountain town, not anything like Denver (which I hate. It's way too suburban for me. I'm really a hippy at heart & I need active farmers markets, smaller walking community, etc). Bill's sister is pregnant & due at the end of October. She found out a couple of weeks ago that it's a boy. Bill talked about how it would be really cool to be close to family & close to a cousin for Logan to play & grow up with. I would be able to stay at home & when Bills sister goes back to work, I could watch both boys. I would also be close to other moms that his sister hangs out with & I could go with them to play groups. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
The more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The house is something material. It can be replaced. My son is my everything. Missing out on time with him is irreplaceable. "Whatever we have to do. I'm not attached to our neighborhood. I hate the part of town we live in, you know that. I can be a mom anywhere" I told Bill. So we both agree that it's not where Logan grows up, it's how that's more important.
So now we are in the beginning stages of selling our house. We have our 11 month walk through with the builder in the next few weeks. They'll fix things here & there, cracks in the walls, re-staining the banister kind of stuff. Then I guess Bill will start looking for different employment & I'll start looking for houses. I'm hoping it won't take forever to sell our house. We'll be able to survive here for a couple of months, but not much more.
To really appreciate the good times, you have to go through some bad. We're definitely "growing up" through all of this. It's making us better people, better parents. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason.
While the winds of change blow us around, I'm really trying to go with the flow. It feels like hurricane season though. There is something; a master plan, karma, what have you...but something is supposed to happen to us. So, I'm sitting here at home waiting for it to unfold. This is also my first experience of putting on a happy face for Logan & pretending everything is ok. Being a parent during times of strife & trying to keep it under wraps so as not to affect your children? Wow, it's tough.
All of the nanny positions that I've applied for are already filled. The work from home opportunities are a scam. I've planned on meeting the neighbors this Saturday at the neighborhood garage sale. I'm going to sell Logans' old clothes & then promote the mommy/baby boot camp. Last night we got a flier from someone who is doing the exact. same. thing. I was devastated. What in the hell am I going to do now? My only option at this point is to look at daycare programs for Logan & I'll go back to work. I was so upset last night I couldn't stop crying. Logan woke up & Bill had to go in to take care of him, otherwise it would have been a crying duet.
Bill told me that he was going to pull the money out of his 401K & that would get us back on track. Then he suggested we sell the house & move. My stomach dropped & my throat was tight. We've cut back on every expense that we can, but the mortgage is what's pulling us under.
This is our first home. We bought it when it was being framed. I got to pick everything out for the house. The hardwood floors, the corrian counter tops in the kitchen, the plush carpet upstairs, the stainless steel appliances, the spa-like master bathroom. All of it. We upgraded it to the max. It's a beautiful home. I remember coming to check on the construction progress every day. We were so excited. It was like watching our house being born. Frame work to dry wall. Electricity & plumbing. Painting, tile installation & then the appliances came in. The day we signed the final papers & were given the keys, we walked through the house. With tears in my eyes, I thanked Bill for all of his hard work. We worked so hard to get this house. Incredibly long hours for the both of us. Many sacrifices. But it all came together & we had something beautiful to show for it.
However, this house has a hefty mortgage. With two incomes, we can handle it. Even with Bill working as a manager we could stretch the dollar. Not anymore though. His demotion, my staying at home with Logan. It's not going to work. We have to make some tough decisions. What's more important? Staying at home with Logan or staying in our home? Logan is by far more important, of course.
Bill talked about leaving the gym & finding work somewhere else. He's always wanted to live in Fort Collins, where his sister lives. We really like it there. It's a cute little mountain town, not anything like Denver (which I hate. It's way too suburban for me. I'm really a hippy at heart & I need active farmers markets, smaller walking community, etc). Bill's sister is pregnant & due at the end of October. She found out a couple of weeks ago that it's a boy. Bill talked about how it would be really cool to be close to family & close to a cousin for Logan to play & grow up with. I would be able to stay at home & when Bills sister goes back to work, I could watch both boys. I would also be close to other moms that his sister hangs out with & I could go with them to play groups. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
The more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The house is something material. It can be replaced. My son is my everything. Missing out on time with him is irreplaceable. "Whatever we have to do. I'm not attached to our neighborhood. I hate the part of town we live in, you know that. I can be a mom anywhere" I told Bill. So we both agree that it's not where Logan grows up, it's how that's more important.
So now we are in the beginning stages of selling our house. We have our 11 month walk through with the builder in the next few weeks. They'll fix things here & there, cracks in the walls, re-staining the banister kind of stuff. Then I guess Bill will start looking for different employment & I'll start looking for houses. I'm hoping it won't take forever to sell our house. We'll be able to survive here for a couple of months, but not much more.
To really appreciate the good times, you have to go through some bad. We're definitely "growing up" through all of this. It's making us better people, better parents. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason.
Friday, April 21, 2006
As a stay at home mom, I can't stop thinking about finances.
Since deciding that staying at home was the best for Logan, we've made a lot of sacrifices to make it happen. We have one car. We get concerned about the skyrocketing prices of gas. We don't go out & we rarely eat out. We choose to do outdoor activities, not only because they are fun & it gets us moving & active, but it's cheap. We don't travel & I'm hoping that Bill gets a bonus at the end of the month so Logan & I can go to Portland to visit my sisters. I don't remember the last time I actually bought clothes (real, not maternity) for myself & we just don't spend money unless it's for the mortgage & utilities.
Now, we haven't reached the point of living on the starving student/top ramen diet yet. But deep in the back of my head, it's a big fear. What if this won't work out? What if I have to go back to work? There is no humanly possible way that I could go back to what I was doing before. I would never see Logan again. He would be raised by child care providers & I would probably die from a broken, guilty heart.
So for the last few months I've been brainstorming on ways to increase our income & stay home if it comes down to that. Just to be prepared. I've thought about making some kind of organic baked good to sell at the farmers market. Logan & I could hang out on the weekend & I'm sure his cuteness would bring in a few bucks. I've thought about consulting with chiropractic offices to increase business & retain current patients. I've thought about training a few people again, but I'm not quite sure how that would workout with Logan. I've thought about making the "six pack abs" nutrition plan into a CD kind of thing, but I'm not that computer savvy. Then I thought about writing a Mommy & Baby workout book. Include the nutrition plan, a workout that moms can do with their babies (that can start when the baby is 6 weeks old rather than 4 months like other workouts) & then also include the baby workouts that Logan does. I have never seen a workout routine, let alone a book for infant workouts. So that might be a good idea.
I have all of these ideas in my head, keeping them filed away, just in case. It's kind of a scary thought, but it's life. It never goes as planned. I do this thinking that I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I have a plan B, C, or even plan X. I don't want to go work for someone else again, but I guess if all else fails, there's always Starbucks. At least I would get free coffee.
Since deciding that staying at home was the best for Logan, we've made a lot of sacrifices to make it happen. We have one car. We get concerned about the skyrocketing prices of gas. We don't go out & we rarely eat out. We choose to do outdoor activities, not only because they are fun & it gets us moving & active, but it's cheap. We don't travel & I'm hoping that Bill gets a bonus at the end of the month so Logan & I can go to Portland to visit my sisters. I don't remember the last time I actually bought clothes (real, not maternity) for myself & we just don't spend money unless it's for the mortgage & utilities.
Now, we haven't reached the point of living on the starving student/top ramen diet yet. But deep in the back of my head, it's a big fear. What if this won't work out? What if I have to go back to work? There is no humanly possible way that I could go back to what I was doing before. I would never see Logan again. He would be raised by child care providers & I would probably die from a broken, guilty heart.
So for the last few months I've been brainstorming on ways to increase our income & stay home if it comes down to that. Just to be prepared. I've thought about making some kind of organic baked good to sell at the farmers market. Logan & I could hang out on the weekend & I'm sure his cuteness would bring in a few bucks. I've thought about consulting with chiropractic offices to increase business & retain current patients. I've thought about training a few people again, but I'm not quite sure how that would workout with Logan. I've thought about making the "six pack abs" nutrition plan into a CD kind of thing, but I'm not that computer savvy. Then I thought about writing a Mommy & Baby workout book. Include the nutrition plan, a workout that moms can do with their babies (that can start when the baby is 6 weeks old rather than 4 months like other workouts) & then also include the baby workouts that Logan does. I have never seen a workout routine, let alone a book for infant workouts. So that might be a good idea.
I have all of these ideas in my head, keeping them filed away, just in case. It's kind of a scary thought, but it's life. It never goes as planned. I do this thinking that I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I have a plan B, C, or even plan X. I don't want to go work for someone else again, but I guess if all else fails, there's always Starbucks. At least I would get free coffee.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I'm a suburban stay at home mom.
This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. We had a few errands to run today, with an adjustment after dropping Bill off at work, followed by a trip to the mall. I usually don't shop at the mall, but I am a sucker for designer skin care products, even though the research shows that they're no different than the stuff you can get at the local grocery store. I feel like there is a difference, plus it's the only thing I splurge on myself. Bill absolutely hates this & reminds me about how much he hates it every time I run out of something.
After our last experience at the mall with Logan not wanting to be in the stroller, I stuck him in the Baby Bjorn. It was pretty early & the mall hadn't been open for that long. I know mall walking is a hobby/sport for the elderly. I did not know that it was a past time for stay at home moms. Everyone there was either over the age of 65 or had at least one baby, if not more loaded up in strollers. My adventures as a stay at home mom have been pretty boring considering that we don't leave the house often because we are sharing a car so I can stay at home. I don't know where I would go anyway, but it's apparent that everyone else goes to the mall.
As I was walking around observing the fact that this is my life, I felt my nose wrinkle. I never thought that I would be a mom, let alone staying at home as well. I always thought that I would be a professional career woman. But here I was with a baby strapped to my chest as I passed by all of the other stay at home moms. I don't regret my decisions at all & quite frankly, I consider this to be the best my life has ever been. It's just funny how at one point in my life I had a vision of being at a certain place, doing a certain thing. Kind of like when people ask, "What do you see yourself doing in 10 years"? My answer was never, "I want to live in the suburbs & be a stay at home mom. Maybe do some scrap booking, learn to cook & oh, I want to hang out at the mall in the morning with my baby". But here I am, doing what I said I would never do. I have to admit, I love it.
This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. We had a few errands to run today, with an adjustment after dropping Bill off at work, followed by a trip to the mall. I usually don't shop at the mall, but I am a sucker for designer skin care products, even though the research shows that they're no different than the stuff you can get at the local grocery store. I feel like there is a difference, plus it's the only thing I splurge on myself. Bill absolutely hates this & reminds me about how much he hates it every time I run out of something.
After our last experience at the mall with Logan not wanting to be in the stroller, I stuck him in the Baby Bjorn. It was pretty early & the mall hadn't been open for that long. I know mall walking is a hobby/sport for the elderly. I did not know that it was a past time for stay at home moms. Everyone there was either over the age of 65 or had at least one baby, if not more loaded up in strollers. My adventures as a stay at home mom have been pretty boring considering that we don't leave the house often because we are sharing a car so I can stay at home. I don't know where I would go anyway, but it's apparent that everyone else goes to the mall.
As I was walking around observing the fact that this is my life, I felt my nose wrinkle. I never thought that I would be a mom, let alone staying at home as well. I always thought that I would be a professional career woman. But here I was with a baby strapped to my chest as I passed by all of the other stay at home moms. I don't regret my decisions at all & quite frankly, I consider this to be the best my life has ever been. It's just funny how at one point in my life I had a vision of being at a certain place, doing a certain thing. Kind of like when people ask, "What do you see yourself doing in 10 years"? My answer was never, "I want to live in the suburbs & be a stay at home mom. Maybe do some scrap booking, learn to cook & oh, I want to hang out at the mall in the morning with my baby". But here I am, doing what I said I would never do. I have to admit, I love it.
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