When it rains, it pours & now it's flooding.
While the winds of change blow us around, I'm really trying to go with the flow. It feels like hurricane season though. There is something; a master plan, karma, what have you...but something is supposed to happen to us. So, I'm sitting here at home waiting for it to unfold. This is also my first experience of putting on a happy face for Logan & pretending everything is ok. Being a parent during times of strife & trying to keep it under wraps so as not to affect your children? Wow, it's tough.

All of the nanny positions that I've applied for are already filled. The work from home opportunities are a scam. I've planned on meeting the neighbors this Saturday at the neighborhood garage sale. I'm going to sell Logans' old clothes & then promote the mommy/baby boot camp. Last night we got a flier from someone who is doing the exact. same. thing. I was devastated. What in the hell am I going to do now? My only option at this point is to look at daycare programs for Logan & I'll go back to work. I was so upset last night I couldn't stop crying. Logan woke up & Bill had to go in to take care of him, otherwise it would have been a crying duet.

Bill told me that he was going to pull the money out of his 401K & that would get us back on track. Then he suggested we sell the house & move. My stomach dropped & my throat was tight. We've cut back on every expense that we can, but the mortgage is what's pulling us under.

This is our first home. We bought it when it was being framed. I got to pick everything out for the house. The hardwood floors, the corrian counter tops in the kitchen, the plush carpet upstairs, the stainless steel appliances, the spa-like master bathroom. All of it. We upgraded it to the max. It's a beautiful home. I remember coming to check on the construction progress every day. We were so excited. It was like watching our house being born. Frame work to dry wall. Electricity & plumbing. Painting, tile installation & then the appliances came in. The day we signed the final papers & were given the keys, we walked through the house. With tears in my eyes, I thanked Bill for all of his hard work. We worked so hard to get this house. Incredibly long hours for the both of us. Many sacrifices. But it all came together & we had something beautiful to show for it.

However, this house has a hefty mortgage. With two incomes, we can handle it. Even with Bill working as a manager we could stretch the dollar. Not anymore though. His demotion, my staying at home with Logan. It's not going to work. We have to make some tough decisions. What's more important? Staying at home with Logan or staying in our home? Logan is by far more important, of course.

Bill talked about leaving the gym & finding work somewhere else. He's always wanted to live in Fort Collins, where his sister lives. We really like it there. It's a cute little mountain town, not anything like Denver (which I hate. It's way too suburban for me. I'm really a hippy at heart & I need active farmers markets, smaller walking community, etc). Bill's sister is pregnant & due at the end of October. She found out a couple of weeks ago that it's a boy. Bill talked about how it would be really cool to be close to family & close to a cousin for Logan to play & grow up with. I would be able to stay at home & when Bills sister goes back to work, I could watch both boys. I would also be close to other moms that his sister hangs out with & I could go with them to play groups. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

The more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The house is something material. It can be replaced. My son is my everything. Missing out on time with him is irreplaceable. "Whatever we have to do. I'm not attached to our neighborhood. I hate the part of town we live in, you know that. I can be a mom anywhere" I told Bill. So we both agree that it's not where Logan grows up, it's how that's more important.

So now we are in the beginning stages of selling our house. We have our 11 month walk through with the builder in the next few weeks. They'll fix things here & there, cracks in the walls, re-staining the banister kind of stuff. Then I guess Bill will start looking for different employment & I'll start looking for houses. I'm hoping it won't take forever to sell our house. We'll be able to survive here for a couple of months, but not much more.

To really appreciate the good times, you have to go through some bad. We're definitely "growing up" through all of this. It's making us better people, better parents. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason.