Postpartum body image.
Being a personal trainer & working in a busy gym kind of messes with your head. The atmosphere definitely promotes a certain psychology with body image. I would often joke around with one of my good trainer friends because as we would wait at the front desk for our next client, we would catch each other pinching the fat (or really just skin) on our abs. It was a subconscious action (as we would do this a million times a day on our own clients & members who wanted to track their progress) & when we would catch each other doing this, we would laugh about how most trainers suffer from body dysmorphic disorder. It's not really funny enough to laugh at.

As a trainer, every day in the gym is like a body building or fitness competition. The guys are always concerned about muscle mass. They joke around flexing at each other, "It's all about size". The ladies are focused on definition, or "tone" which is about adding muscle as well. Taking these issues to the point of an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia & even exercise bulimia is looked down upon. If a trainer takes it too far to this level, their credibility is in question. It's considered cheating. If one of the female trainers looks like she's getting too thin, the other ladies have no problem talking about "bread stick" arms in front of them. If someone is working out too much, many of the other trainers will pipe in saying, "You're working way too hard to get to your goal. Let me show you some techniques that will make your routine more efficient". Basically telling this trainer in a passive aggressive manner that they have no clue what they're doing.

This pressure for the "perfect body" is not just perpetuated by other trainers, but the members as well. A trainer is a walking billboard of their knowledge & the results that they can produce. Members will seek out the "best looking" trainer, even though this person may have no clue about exercise science & just happened to be genetically blessed. It can be a pretty catty place to work, & the cattiness varies from gym to gym. I've worked in Vegas, Portland & Denver & I have to say that Portland was the worst.

Just like all of the other trainers that I worked with, I strived for the "perfect body", which doesn't exist. When I got to the body fat percentage & definition that I was happy with & thought that I had reached "perfect body" status, I didn't feel any better. I was in the best shape of my life, & sure, I was proud of myself for my commitment & follow through & being able to achieve my goal. Over all, it was pretty empty because then the focus was on maintaining. This was one of many things that made me think that there's more to life & I wanted to devote myself to something more meaningful, like motherhood.

Watching my body go through the pregnancy changes was a little difficult. I did take advantage of my new found freedom & frequented Taco Bell for 7-layer burritos & Bill got me hot fudge sundaes with extra hot fudge almost every night. I knew that they were good changes & these things were supposed to happen, but there were a couple of times that I caught a glimpse of my butt in the mirror & cried.

After Logan was born I told myself that I wasn't going to fall back into old habits again. I haven't been counting calories everyday (I did for about a week or so) & I just focus on eating healthy. I was planning on getting to the gym every night when Bill got home from work, but that is a total joke. The last thing I have energy for at 9 pm is an hour of cardio & 45 minutes of weight training. So I make sure Logan & I get out for a stroller walk for an hour almost every day & then we have fun with our mommy/baby workout at home. I feel like it's more of a fun thing for the two of us, rather than just working out.

I was beginning to accept the fact that I may never fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again & I probably wouldn't get into my pre-pregnancy shape for another 3 -5 months. I was letting go of the "perfect body" expectation that I ingrained in my head for so long. I was reminding myself that I don't have to prove anything to anybody anymore & Bill doesn't care what shape I'm in. All of this until yesterday.

When we were getting ready to go to the zoo, Logan spit up all over himself & all over my lap as well. After I got him taken care of, I searched my closet for something to wear. I haven't gone shopping for post-pregnancy clothes because I was bound & determined to wear my old clothes again. I was having a hard time finding something to wear, so I picked up a pair of jeans that I bought just a couple of weeks before I was pregnant. They were snug, but I could button them up. In disbelief I sat down on the bed. Nice. I could sit. I decided to do the squat test. Awesome. I didn't hear anything rip. I looked at myself in the mirror. Ok, so they look like they're painted on, but they don't look bad. I walked upstairs in tears. "I'm such an idiot, but I'm so happy I can wear jeans again. I didn't think I would ever wear these again", I cried to Bill. He gave me a high five, "3 months, that's not bad at all"!

It's nice to be able to get back into shape without the focus that I've had in the past. It really motivated me to keep writing the workout books (now that I have physical proof that the routine works for new moms) & to also add a special chapter on post-pregnancy body image. We live in a society that is 60% overweight & we are constantly being bombarded with unhealthy weight loss solutions & unrealistic expectations. Every marketing image that we see portraying women is photoshopped & airbrushed.

It's important for moms to feel good about themselves. To be proud of the sacrifice that we make to bring life into this world. To give our bodies to our families. But it's mostly important to see ourselves as beautiful, stretch marks & all. Being overweight is a health issue however, it's something that we need to battle at the family core. We need to focus on activity as a family rather than just getting into shape. If we get rid of sedentary lifestyles & enjoy family activity & healthy eating, obesity will be a thing of the past. Hopefully body image will improve & become more positive because fitness will be fun & a part of life, not pressured.