Tuesday, January 31, 2006

It seems like I've had absolutely no sleep at all.
The contractions never stopped yesterday & lasted well into the night. I kept moaning & flipping & writhing in pain & breathing. They were starting to get stronger & by 4:30 this morning, I could hardly stand it & started the bath. I was in there for 2 hours. There were times that it was very difficult to breath through the hard stuff & thought to myself, "I have no clue when to go back to the hospital now"!

Bill had to get up early to go to work this morning. It's the last day of the month & one of the busiest days of the year. I was so tired & didn't want to be home alone feeling like this. He promised that he was going to call his boss & come home early. After seeing me in the tub this morning, I don't doubt it.

After being out of the bath & eating a banana, the contractions are still there, but not as bad. I started a load of laundry & hope to take a long nap. I also hope that today is the day we drive back to the hospital, but who knows. I feel like my body is doing some strange stuff.

Monday, January 30, 2006

False alarm! Sigh.....
I woke up this morning at 3:30 with this very intense pressure. I thought that it was my bladder going crazy. So, I get up for the middle of the night break as usual, except this time, there's no relief. I go back to bed thinking it will go away, or maybe Logan has just dropped down even farther. After a few minutes the pressure turns into pain, very intense menstrual type pain. I used to have cramps that would bring me to the fetal position on the floor with tears in my eyes. This was almost the same & now I could time them. FINALLY! Contractions that I could time! These were not braxton hicks contractions either! I wake up Bill to see what time it is & he gets up to grab the stop watch. I was getting contractions every 5 minutes for an hour. I wasn't holding my breath that this was going to be the real thing, so I jump into the shower to see if anything changes & get cleaned up if it is the real thing. I was still getting them in the shower. I was getting them as we finished packing & as I was getting ready. They were pretty painful & the consistancy was there. I turned to Bill, "I think this is it".

We get on our way hitting morning traffic jams & every single stop light. Then the contractions started to space farther apart. Nice. Just as we are almost there. We get checked in & put into an observation room. The nurse (who was really nice) hooked me up to the fetal monitor & then did a pelvic exam (not digging in as far as the O.B. did on Friday. Still uncomfortable, but she was really understanding). Then she tells me that there isn't any change from Friday. Everything looks good, but not progressing. I think I was too tired to react. She told us to go walk around for a couple of hours & then she would check me again. So Bill & I go walking around the Labor & Delivery unit & the Mother & Baby unit. We walked by a room where it sounded like someone was just being born. The baby gave out a loud cry & I wanted to cry too. I wanted it to be us in the room. We walked for what seemed like forever, passing another couple on walking duty too.

We walked back to the observation room & got hooked up to the monitors again. The contractions were still registering at about 5-7-3-5 minutes apart. The nurse turned me on my side to see if it would increase the intensity. Apparently, when you're laying on your back it restricts the blood flow & thus lessens the intensity of the contraction. It seemed to work. It also felt like we were in that room for eternity. I was falling asleep as I listened to the nurses talk about Logan's fetal movements, "Look at what that baby is doing! She's on her side too!" & Bill was falling asleep in the chair next to me. The nurse comes back in & checks my cervix again. This time it's moving forward a little bit more, but no more dialation than when I came in. Basically, the contractions weren't doing their job. The midwife comes in & explains what's going on & gives me homework. I have to eat, go to sleep to get some rest, drink lots of water (I was a little dehydrated & that can cause painful yet ineffective contractions), take a bath & take a walk. If anything changes & I feel "different", then come back in. They thought that I might be back tonight or tomorrow morning.

Dissapointed, we left & got bagels for breakfast. We got home & took a 3 hour nap. I took a bath, but ran out of hot water so it wasn't that relaxing. Then we took the dogs for a walk. Bill's sister told us that her good friend went bowling when this happend to her & it got her body into the swing of things. I had a friend at the gym tell me the same thing. His mom did that when she was pregnant with him & he was almost born at the bowling alley. Bill & I laughed at the idea, but thought it would be a fun way to kill some time. So we went out for dinner (sushi...because I was told I could eat anything...yeah! It really made my day better). Bill had some really bad back pain last week & it started to flare up again. We decided to walk the mall instead of bowling. So, we walked some more & then got some hot fudge sundaes on the way home.

So here I am now, the same painful contractions all day long & it's going nowhere. It's been quite an eventful day with a not quite so eventful end. I really hope things change soon, because dealing with these contractions is not fun. I thought I was uncomfortable before! Now I'm just in pain every 5 minutes on top of it! Please Logan, come out soon...
Its 6:00 and we are headed to the Hospital!!! Wish us luck.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Enough with the phone calls already!
It used to be funny & cute that I would get phone calls from family wondering what's going on. I get a call from my mother in law daily, sometimes twice a day. I even get calls from Bill durring the day wondering how everything is feeling. Now it's getting annoying. Especially because I say EVERY TIME, "Nothing. No contractions that I can time. No fluid leaks. He still is kicking. It's the same as yesterday, the day before that, last week & the week before that. I feel huge & very tired". Everyone is questioning me like we wouldn't call them if it was the real thing. I promise that everyone will know when we are on our way (or actually admitted in)!

I guess I'm just getting grumpy because everyone is so anxious for Logan to be born. If there's anyone who wants him to be born, it's me! I'm the one lugging this kid around all day. I'm the one getting my bladder squished to all eternity. I'm the one getting kicked all day & all night. I'm the one who's been sick for the last 9 months & living on freaking cancer medication & zantac. Wow, after reading that, I didn't realize how grumpy I was. It was good to vent though!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Yesterday was my 39th week appointment.
I've lost a few pounds, which I was told is normal before going into labor. I saw the Doctor, whom I haven't seen in a month or so. I've been seeing the nurse practitioner for the last few visits. She did a pelvic exam to see how things were progressing. It was the most uncomfortable exam...ever. I was wincing on the table as she was so rough. I'm still at about 1 1/2 cm dialated, but now 80% effaced. So, there is a little more progress than last week. I also asked about the station number, because in the past I was always just told he was low. She said he was at a zero. Not as low as I had been thinking, but not floating either. So he's trying to come out. She mentioned how she hoped I would have the baby this weekend, but there's no telling when Logan will make his arrival.

After the exam was complete she said that I might spot a bit (I thought she was trying to pull the baby out right there, I expected some spotting from that!). I really think she stripped the membranes without telling me. But who knows. All I know is that I haven't felt the same since. I've been really achey & crampy. I have been spotting quite a bit & I just don't feel "right". So, if she did strip the membranes & it works, then I can expect to see Logan in the next 2-7 days (like I wasn't already expecting that anyway). We'll see what happens.

After the appointment, Bill & I went out for dinner. I ate more than I ever thought I could. I was starved. We rolled ourselves out of the restaurant & we went to the store to get stuff to make sugar cookies for dessert. There were so many pregnant women there I thought I might have missed the memo for a convention. It seemed that sugar was on everyones mind last night! The cookies were great though. Plus we made popcorn too. I don't know where I found the room for all of this, maybe a secret second stomach.

As for the birthday game, My mother in law was guessing that Saturday (today) would be the day. We still have all day, but I dont think so. Bill is somewhat giving up because all of his predicitons have not come true. But then again, he was guessing on some early dates. So now he thinks that the 31st (Tuesday) might be the day. I'm still sticking to February 1st or 2nd (Wednesday/Thursday), his due date. With our luck, Logan is going to be as stuborn as I am (grrrreaaaat) & hold off for a couple more weeks. If he doesn't show up this next week, I have another Doctors appointment for Thursday.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I wish we had a piano.
We even have the perfect sized space for one in the living room. I used to play for years. I remember trying to teach myself when I was 6. I eventually got the hang of it & learned to play by ear. That & my grandma Nancy would teach me a little too. I started lessons, I just don't know when (10 maybe?) & stopped them when I met Bill when I was 17. It was a lot of fun. I got to play in concerts & competitions in highschool.

For years I've mentioned that I want to pick it back up. A couple of years ago Bill got me a keyboard for christmas. It was sweet & I thought it would be the same, but it's not. Nothing beats the real thing. It's kind of funny that we have all of these instruments (keyboard, guitar, digideroo) & nobody plays them. Music is such a huge part of our lives too!

I often wonder if Logan will appreciate music as much as we do. Will he want to play piano, guitar, or maybe something else? What kind of music will he like? We were talking about what we could listen to around Logan because Bill is in a big rap phase (again). I told him that I don't want our toddler singing about smacking his ho. We laughed, but it's true. With as much reggae as I've been listening to, I'm convinced that he'll be born rastafarian.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

These are my last days of being fat. Thank God.
It was fun while it lasted, but I'm ready to get back into shape. I feel like a whale, especially when trying to flip in bed in the middle of the night. I also can't believe that I get out of breath so much. I mean, I get out of breath just having a conversation on the phone. Ridiculous.

My nutrition hasn't been perfect by any means durring pregnancy. Which is so backwards. I'm supposed to be eatting the heathiest at this time. Pre-preg, I counted calories, had my carbs, protein & fats balanced, didn't eat sugar...I was called the nutrition nazi at the gym. I was really that strict & disciplined. Now, I've had more fast food than I ever thought I would eat & I'm pretty sure I have some kind of chocolate (or sugar) on a daily basis. Portion controll is not in my vocabulary right now either. I'm really surprised that I haven't gained 70-100 lbs.

I've cried after seeing my butt in the mirror before. I glanced at the full length mirror in our bathroom as I was on my way to bed. I sighed & then started to cry. I remember a comment one of the members of the gym made when I said that I was pregnant. "Well, there goes the body". I was so offended I almost said a few choice words. But it's true. I have a double chin now. A freakin double chin. I noticed it yesterday while brushing my teeth.

I'm tired of seeing more commercials for weight loss supplements, most of them targeted specifically to postnatal weight loss & women. I'm also tired of reading stories about women who were back to their pre pregnancy shape 3 weeks after delivery. How crazy is that! I hoping that I'll be there in 3-6 months, not weeks!

I have no clue why I'm even worried about this. As a personal trainer, I know exactly what I need to do. I've trained countless postnatal women. I think it's just a strange feeling to be on the other side, knowing what I know. I better shut up & keep enjoying the Frosties & 7-layer burritos that Bill brings home for me because once Logan is born, it's back to nutrition nazi status.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I don't think Bill is psychic.
He was able to guess that we're having a boy, when I swore up & down that we were having a girl (great 50/50 odds there). He was so sure that we were going to have Logan today though. I don't think so (but hey, we still have 11 more hours to go, so who knows). It would've been a cool birthday to have...01/23/06. I was guessing the 25th, but now I'm changing my mind. He'll probably be born on February 2nd. The day after his due date (it was his original due date, but they changed it after the ultrasound). With the exception of the HG complications, the pregancy has been text book normal. I think Logan may be one of the few that are born on their due date, arriving right on time.

I thought about making a trip to labor & delivery yesterday, but I didn't jump the gun. I thought I was leaking fluid, but decided to jump in the shower & change to see if there was a consistant leak. There wasn't. I have been feeling a little gross the last few days. Tired, achey, nauseous (I haven't been taking my zofran daily because I'm on my last refil & have just a few pills left. I'm saving them for 1st trimester-like symptoms) & a little crampy. I haven't had any contractions really, or ones that I notice anyway. The sharp pain that sent me to the hospital last month has been getting stronger & a tad longer (than a split second), so I hope that means the cervix is changing more.

I keep thinking about the cleaning that I want to get done, but I don't want to do it either. I'm back to being a house hostage again because Bill has had a ton of meetings to go to & his hours have been crazy (15-17 hour days), so he's needed the car. Besides, he doesn't want me to drive at this point anymore for the fear of me going into labor & he not being able to get to me fast enough. Disappointing, but understandable. It's a bummer that I won't be able to work out at the gym or get whatever I'm craving for lunch. I guess that's the way things go now though. It's a good thing I love our home & don't mind being here.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Today was my 38 week appointment...
And sadly there is nothing new happening. I'm still at 75% effacement & I've dilated to maybe 2 cm. I knew that it's very common for women to kind of "limbo" at certain phases, it's just a little disappointing when it happens to you.

Being in limbo sucks. On one hand, it's frustrating because I just want to be finished growing this baby so he can come out & join the family. On the other hand, I want to stay pregnant just because I'm nervous about going through the delivery. I know logically & physically what to expect & what's going to happen (for the most part). I just don't know what to expect mentally. How I'm going to feel, if I'll be able to push myself to just do it (or if Bill will be able to do that for me as a coach), or if I'll be able to focus & take control. So, I guess this is limbo with a little bit of tug of war.

I am proud of myself however, for making the right choice to not try & force things to happen. I was given the option of getting the membranes stripped, or "cervical stimulation" as they like to call it. I told them to wait a week & we'll see what happens. I would've felt like a fool if we did, & nothing happened, or worse, I ended up needing medical interventions. All because I was too impatient. I could tell that Bill was a little disapointed when I said no. He turned around & asked, "Can you tell when labor is going to start? Will it be this weekend?" He certainly wants Logan to be born soon. It's killing him to wait. Figures too, comming from a guy who gives me all of my birthday, anniversary & christmas presents early because he's too excited to keep it a secret. I think it's cute though. It makes me grin like an idiot thinking about how excited he is to be a dad.

So, we'll continue to be patient & wait. The next prenatal visit is next Friday. We'll see if anything happens by then, but I doubt it, which is ok. I can enjoy these last few days of being home by myself, getting all of the odds & ends taken care of in the house (aka: cleanning every nook & crany I can find).

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I'm not going to watch TLC baby shows anymore.
Especially "Bringing Baby Home". I get the most frustrated irrational feeling watching it. It makes me think I'm crazy. It's all about parents bringing their baby home from the hospital & what the first two days are like. Everything is feel good & happy (granted overwhelming), until the extended family comes to see the baby. Sometimes it doesn't take long for them to show up & the grandmother always walks in the door, gives the parents a quick hug & "Where's the baby?" comes flying out. Now, I can appreciate family being excited to welcome a new baby into their lives. In fact, it would be a whole lot worse if they weren't excited. I know their intentions are nothing but good as well. However, it always feels like they come barging in to take over. The poor mom, just home from the hospital, tired & usually overwhelmed, gives the baby to grandma as she tries to force feed the sleeping kid (if they are bottle fed) & wake them up.

This feeling of irrational anger wells up inside me. I get so frustrated & protective. I don't know why I feel like this, it makes no sense. It's not even my baby! I got the same feeling a while back when Bill & I were shopping. There was a new mother checking out in front of us. Another cashier proceeded to pick up the baby (without asking) & carry her off across to another register, showing her off to other co-workers & customers & holding her on her hip. The mother seemed to be fine with this & smiled, proud to let others oogle over her little baby. I however, felt like if that was my baby, there would be a phone call to the police because I would be throwing punches.

After we left the store & got into the car I told Bill how I felt. I also mentioned that I was very afraid of feeling like this when we get home from the hospital & his family comes over. I told him that I knew it was stupid, but you can't control feelings, you can only control actions (I promised there wouldn't be any violence). I love his family to death, but it makes me wince when I think about comming home with Logan & having someone else hold him, telling me what to do. All I want to do is get comfortable, settle in, figure things out for myself (I'll ask if I have questions) & have special "new family" time. Fortunately, Bill seemed to understand what I was talking about. Durring one of these conversations, his sarcastic remark was, "You don't want to be told what to do? I never knew that about you!"....Yeah, thanks.

With his parents living hundreds of miles away, it's not going to be possible for them to be at the delivery or even be there the first week that we are home. They made flight arrangements for the middle of February & will be here for just a weekend. My sisters won't be here until the following month durring spring break (not like I think they are going to "take over" anyway). Bill's sister lives about an hour away, so she most likley won't make it to the delivery & possibly not even until the weekend (depending on when he's born). So these are situations that I don't even have to worry about. I can't help but feel a little crazy for feeling like this though.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

So, with all of this talk about natural inductions, I remembered something pretty funny last night.
As Bill & I were laying in bed trying to fall alseep & talking at the same time (mainly me rattling off all of the negatives to his castor oil suggestion), I remembered that a really annoying morning radio show in Vegas had a recipe for a labor inducing salad. I haven't listened to this program for about 6 years. It's kind of funny that this even popped into my head & why I remembered it is beyond me, but I was able to find the recipe.

Romaine Lettuce
Gorgonzola Cheese
Chopped Walnuts
Water Cress
Balsamic Vinegar Dressing

I figured that the cheese is the inductor (as it is a semi-soft cheese that you aren't supposed to eat durring pregnancy due to the possibility of it harboring listeria...a harmful bacteria that can cause pre term labor & other complications). When we first found out that I was pregnant, we had to go to a class prior to our first prenatal appointment. We learned about what to expect in the next nine months & the do's & don'ts of pregnancy, like having someone else change the kitty litter box (One girl asked if it was ok to keep the cat box in the babies room, because that's where it is now. No joke.) & what not to eat. In this eatting conversation, the nurse proceeded to scare the crap out of all of the soon-to-be moms by telling us a story where one of the Doctors pregnant wife went to a wine & cheese party. She ate a little bit of brie cheese & ended up delivering a 26 week old fetus that night. We all looked at each other in horror making mental notes to never eat brie.

It seems that all of these inductions (natural or medical) are potentially dangerous. I guess there's a lot to be said about "going with the flow" & just letting things happen. Damn, it's another lesson on patience again.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I'm starting to get really nervous now.
It's just the fear of going through something significant for the first time. I know what to expect, but if it's anything like pregnancy itself, nobody can really prepare you for it. You just have to go through it & experience it for yourself. It's getting to the point where I'm doing visualizations at night before I go to bed. I lay there thinking about everything thats going to happen, step by step, as I want it to happen. I guess this is a little mental prep & hopefully putting a positive spin on things in my head.

I started to get nervous when I realized that when I was in for my prenatal appointment last week & was told that I could have a "cervical stimulation" done the next visit, she was talking about stripping the membranes. I know I've been a little mentaly slow durring pregnancy, but Jesus, I hope I have it together enough that I can make good health care decisions on the spot. Thank God I've had this week to read up on membrane stripping. It's a little invasive, less than pitocin & other inductors, but not 100% effective either.

Stripping the membranes involves separtating the amniotic sac from the cervix without rupture. The intent is to "jump start" labor within 48 hours to 7 days. Sometimes it doesn't work & continued strippings are done the following weeks, which increases the risk of infection. It seems that this is a routine practice at 38-40 weeks to reduce the risk of going post-term & needing additional inductors like pitocin & the possibility of also needing a c-section. Which is a little backwards in thinking because when it doesn't work, the uterus can contract irregularly causing a long labor & the need for medical inductors, epidurals, forceps, vacuum extraction & c-section are typically increased. It all depends on how the cervix is changing & most studies say that if it works, it's because labor was going to start soon anyway.

I don't want to go post-term (for various reasons...my size/baby size, c-section, lower amniotic fluid, lower functioning of placenta), but I also don't want to increase my chances of needing medical intervention. It seems that there is a fine line here. I'm going to try some natural inductors at home this week, like exercise (like I haven't already been doing that. Maybe I'll walk for 2 hours instead of an hour), nipple stimulation & maybe if Bill has enough energy after work, well...we'll see what happens. If my cervix has changed considerably, then maybe I'll go for it. If not, maybe I'll wait another week.

Bill just called & asked "So, are you really ready to have the baby"? (Um, no. I think I'll let him stay in there forever). He had talked to one of the NICU nurses from the hospital that works out at his gym (she's going to hook us up with all sorts of extra stuff while we're there at the hospital). She told him to speed things up, walk a ton (check), have sex (I guess Bill is going to drink a Thermo on the way home), & then he asked if I wanted to drink Castor oil. Oh my God, NO! First, that's just gross. Second, I DO NOT want to do anything that's going to make me more miserable than I already am. I think I'll be able to tough it out a few more weeks if it comes down to that. "Please, not even for me?" he says. Who's having this kid anyway? I mean, I know work is really tough for him right now & he really needs a break, but for cryin' out loud. It's my colon at stake here. He just gets to kick back at wait for the trip to the hospital! Man, sometimes I wish guys could be able to get pregnant & deliver a big baby.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Our Beagle, Beck, almost died last night.
He is almost 7 years old & has been suffering from Canine Ideopathic Epilepsy since he was about 3. It's common to the breed & there's nothing that can treat this kind of epilepsy. Medications are available, but they don't really stop or prevent seizures very well & the side affects aren't that wonderful either. His seizures are occasional & random & range from mild to moderate in intensity. We've noticed that they happen more often when he eats though. Mostly because he eats really fast without chewing (like he's never seen food before) & that probably creates the short circut in his brain to trip.

Well, last night he ate his food & started to eat what Buddha (our Pug) had left over. The next thing I know, I hear Bill in the kitchen coaxing Beck to get up. He was layed out on his side mid-seizure. We were used to this (as horrific as it is to witness) & did the usual routine of sitting next to him to wait it out & prepared to clean up after him (as he looses all control of bodily functions). Then Bill noticed that he wasn't really breathing. He also looked different. There was a distant look of death in his eyes. This wasn't the usual intensity of his seizures. This was a grand-mal (or generalized tonic-clonic) seizure & the worst one he's ever experienced. He was also choking on the food he had just eatten. Bill swept his mouth clear & did chest compressions, modified doggie CPR. His seizure seemed to last forever & I swore he died. Trying to stay calm as to not go into labor, I left the kitchen whining "Billy, this is not good".

He eventually came to & Bill cleaned up the kitchen. We agreed that Bill probably just saved Beck's life. It was very scary & I'm an adult. Later I thought about how scary that would be to Logan. I hope he never has to witness something like that. But the reality is that we are going to teach him about illness & death at some point in time.

I don't remember having a conversation like that with my family, even though we lived on what I call a "mini-farm". We've had rabbits, ducks, geese, various other birds, tarantulas, turtles, dogs & cats (all at one time). I never remember my parents talking to me about when they passed (naturally or for dinner), however I'm sure my Grandma Nancy & the church taught me something about heaven. Hopefully Logan doesn't witness tradgic death & we can teach him about it in a peacefull, quiet way. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Yet, this is another thing that nobody tells you about parenting.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm 9 months pregnant with Logan.
Yesterday was my 37 week prenatal appointment. I wasn't expecting anything exciting, just like all of the other appointments. I knew that I was going to get the Group B Strep test, hear the heart beat, measure the uterus & possibly have my cervix checked. Since I had my cervix checked at labor & delivery just a short while ago & it was high & closed, I didn't expect any change. Well, I was wrong. I'm 75% effaced (cervix shortening & thinning) & 1 cm dilated. Things are starting to move! I had an appointment scheduled for 2 weeks, but because of the changes I'm going to get checked again next week. I was told that if I wanted to, they would do cervical stimulation, a natural induction, to get things going. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Holy crap! Logan could realistically be here in 2 weeks! I was a little freaked out last night. Not really in a bad way, but in the "oh my God, it's really going to happen" way.

I've been a little hormonal/emotional this morning as well. If I read a birthing story or God forbid I see one on T.V, break out the tissues! I constantly have a lump in my throat, I'm afraid that I'm going to make myself sick at the delivery from being so emotional. I think it's time for a bubble bath, a cuddle cat sitting next to me, chocolate ice cream (thank God we have some), some relaxing music & then hang out in my spa robe & slippers all day while I address the birth announcement envelopes.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I am ready for this pregnancy to be over.
These last few weeks are rough. I've been so uncomfortable with acid reflux, back aches, muscle tension everywhere, feeling heavy, waddeling when I walk, being exahusted after I do anything & braxton hicks contractions. I'm ready to have my body back. One of my clients told me that was the most difficult part of her pregnancy, not having her body being hers. Although, I am afraid of the baby blues & feeling empty afterward. I am used to Logan moving around & just being in there. The adjustments will be strange.

This is a list of things that I can't wait to do when Logan is born:
  1. Eat sushi! My favorite!
  2. Have my morning coffee again (although, that will have to wait for post-breastfeeding).
  3. Drink a beer (again, after breastfeeding).
  4. Go mountain biking, especially since I haven't been biking in Colorado yet.
  5. Doing crunches & ab work again. I love not being able to stand up straight the next day.
  6. Being able to move around with ease & not sound like a grunting cow when I get up.
  7. Feeling normal. No nausia & being medication free.
Ahhh, almost there.

Monday, January 09, 2006

On Saturday I sat down & read "On Becoming Baby Wise".
It was given to me by Bill's mom when they were here over the holidays. I felt that it was good for me to read because as a first time parent, I have no clue what to do (much like other first timers, I guess). Some of my concerns before reading the book were, how do I get Logan on a schedule? What exactly am I going to be doing all day long? When & how is he going to start sleeping through the night? This book seemed to help with some of the answers.

The book talks about three parenting styles. Hyperscheduling, Attatchment or Demand Feeding & the books philosophy, Parent Directed Feeding. In hyperscheduling, you feed the baby every 4 hours, no matter what. It sounds like a baby boot camp style & that's certianly not going to fit our family. The book mentions how this can be dangerous by inducing dehydration & limiting your childs growth. Demand feeding is just that. Looking for hunger cues & pretty much offering food whenever the baby cries, looking at other possiblities last. Parent directed feeding is a combination of the two. Feeding the baby every 2 1/2 to 3 hours (sometimes more or less), or flexible scheduling & learning about parental assesment. When the baby is crying, taking a minute to asses the situation to best suite the babies need. It makes sense to me.

The book also had a sample schedule of what a typical day would look like:

Early Morning: (7am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Rock baby, put in play pen, etc.
3. Naptime.

Mid Morning: (10am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Take a walk with baby, run errands, etc.
3. Naptime.

Afternoon: (1pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Bath, sing, read, etc.
3. Naptime.

Midafternoon: (4pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change
2. Waketime: Hang out with baby as you read, sew, watch T.V., etc
3. Naptime.

Late Afternoon: (7pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Family time.
3. Naptime.

Early Evening: (10pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Possible waketime
3. Bedtime.

Late Evening: (1am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Bedtime.

Middle of the Night: (4am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Bedtime.

These times are approximate & the goal is to be flexible, not watching the clock. But it really gave me an idea of what to expect in a day. I felt pretty good about the philosophy & some of the other things talked about in the book, like co-sleeping. We were thinking about getting a co-sleeper (not having him actually in the bed due to the risk of SIDS). After the book & really thinking about that situation, we're changing our minds. I don't think anyone would get a good night's sleep (as Bill & I flip a lot, plus I would probably watch the baby all night instead of sleep) & breaking the habit of kids in the bedroom is a pain in the butt. The main intention of co-sleeping was to make it easier getting up in the middle of the night. Laziness is not the best intention for the family. So we're getting a matress for his crib on Wednesday.

I didn't realize when reading that this book was pretty controversial in theory & that it was also written with religious intent. Most of the book makes sense to me, but I will be reading other parenting style books to get a wider view & better opinion on what to do.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

It's been a quiet week & I feel like I'm just waiting.
Waiting for Bill to come home from work (he's been working 68-70 hours a week now that it's January. Gotta love New Years resolutions at the gym), waiting for Logan to get here (I thought he might be comming early, but now I've changed my mind. He's going to be right on time), just waiting for something to happen. I suppose this is a test on patience. A quality that I needed to severely improve on.

I was never really a patient person & wanted everything to happen...now. If I wanted to move, I wanted to do it right then. If I wanted to go to a certian school, I wanted to start the next day. Bill & life have taught me better. It's a good thing too because if I'm not going to be patient with Logan, I'm going drive everyone, including myself, nuts.

This pregnancy has made me more patient & mellow. I'm not as quick to tell people off anymore. There was a day that if someone irritated me, they would know from some kind of look or comment. I had a sharp tongue with Bill when we argued. I used to have really bad road rage as well. Now I drive like a grandma, if someone says anything out of line, it's ignored & the last time I freaked out on Bill was before I knew I was pregnant (but everyone else, including Bill knew) & hormones were out of control.

Last night we were watching something about the first nights home with the baby & how parents aren't really prepared for what's going to happen. A mom with her 3 week old baby had been talking about the lack of sleep & trying to calm her crying baby. "My husband & I were up reading books & on the internet trying to figure out what to do". "Thats going be be us", Bill says. "We're going to be up yelling at each other to go look it up on the internet". I thought about it for a minute. "I don't think so. I think we're going to be just fine. I guess I'm expecting the worst & if we get it, I'm not dissapointed. But if we get better, then that's just great. I really don't see us yelling at each other though". I just figure we're both going to be tired & what's the use of getting all bent out of shape over the two of us not having the experience of dealing with a newborn. That's where being patient is really going to come in handy.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

My pre-maternity leave is almost over.
It's really been like a three month vacation of doing pretty much nothing. I will never get this chance again in my life. It was nice. Relaxing. Insightful. Boring. I was able to acomplish a whole lot of something. Not really nothing, but not really a whole lot either. The house is pretty much together, it'll take some growing into. Logan's room is pretty much finished except for a few little things & I did improve on my cooking skills (that in itself is a miracle). My "Martha"-in-training is almost complete.

I'm a little nervous about my new responsibilities. I guess it's like being nervous about starting the first day at a new job. I'm not quite sure what to expect (completely) & I have a lot to learn in a short period of time. Pretty soon my days will be filled with taking care of a family & running the house. Cooking breakfast in the morning for everyone, making sure everyone has clean clothes, beds are made & house is clean, infant massage classes, days at the park, cooking the family dinner every night. Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting myself into.

It's a little strange to anticipate self-change. I don't think I'll be the same person after Logan is born. Much like I wasn't the same person after I got married. I was better, or I had a better half anyway. I hope it works that way again. I hope I'll be better. A better wife, a better person. If I don't have better style & start wearing mom jeans...just shoot me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I am slowly loosing my coolness.
I used to listen to all sorts of music. I would really rock out to Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine, Metalica, along with various rap artists like Snoop. Now I feel like I'm turning into a hippy. I don't feel like rockin out anymore. I'm listening to "adult contemporary" like Trey Anastasio, various reggae artists & now I'm hooked on "Smart Symphonies".

Yes, I've fallen into the "make your kid smart by listening to classical music" trap. The funny thing is that I didn't do it solely to increase Logan's intelect. Bill had downloaded it a few weeks ago & I just got hooked for myself. Someone had mentioned to me a while back that I should find a CD to listen to often while Logan was in the womb. Then after he's born & gets fussy, pop in the CD & it will help to calm him down because he'll be familiar with it. It makes sense, but I was never able to find a "calming" CD, until now. I swear I listen to it 4 or 5 times on repeat, so Logan will definitely be familiar with it.

These are my favorites:

Bach - Dreaming
Debussy - Clair de Lune
Giuseppino - Fuggi, Fuggi, Fuggi da Questo Cielo
Pachelbel - Kanon in D

Monday, January 02, 2006

What is up with pregnancy dreams?
I have had the most vivid & strange, disturbing nightmares since I've been pregnant. They say it might have something to do with hormones. I think I have crazy hormones. They were certianly most disturbing in the first trimester. Very gory, dead bodies, creepy to the point of waking me up & getting the crap scared out of me. I think that had a lot to do with being bedridden to the couch all day & getting hooked on episodes of CSI. I watched the whole series & it can be pretty graphic sometimes.

I did have a couple of baby dreams, not many though. I had one dream about seeing the baby (who I swore was a girl) after delivery & she was about a year old. Not a newborn. She was cute with short curly hair & big blue eyes with long eyelashes. She had the same shape eyes as I did too. She was really cute & just looked at me. That was it for the dream. The other baby dream was a little strange. I was in the Doctors office getting a checkup & an ultrasound. They had a new technology for ultrasounds where they actually delivered the baby to check it out & then they put it back in. They did this & everything was fine.

But really, it's all about nightmares. Last week I had one that woke me up pretty fast. Thank God the cat was sleeping next to me so I could pet her & fall back asleep. I dreamt that Bill & I were on a road trip somewhere. It looked like Arizona & the Grand Canyon. We were having an argument about him smoking (something that is a deal breaker for me because I used to work in a cancer clinic...I'm not signing up for lung cancer. He used to smoke before we got married & quit. Then after 9/11 & the crap that we went through, he picked it back up again without me knowing. I didn't find out until we moved to Portland, where he smoked at the truck stops. I was pretty pissed & told him to quit & thought he did, but didn't. It wasn't until we were working at the same gym & one of my clients told me that she didn't know Bill was a smoker. I said he wasn't....BUSTED. I was more than pissed this time. So, as far as I know, It's been over a year that he's smoked, but it's something that keeps nagging me in the back of the head. I feel like I always need to look for evidence & I'm always questioning in my head if I smell smoke on him or his breath). We are having a pretty heated arguement & he's telling me in the dream that he hasn't quit smoking. He tells me that I have no clue & that he keeps all sorts of secrets from me. As he's telling me this, he's not paying attention to the road. The road is curving to the left, but he's too busy telling me that he smokes. We drive off of a cliff into a deep canyon with a river at the bottom. It was like "Thema & Loise". He's screaming & I grab his hand & say "I love you" before we hit. I wake up from the falling feeling with a huge pit in my stomach. Yuck, I hate that feeling.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!
Just like everyone else is saying, I can't believe it's another year. Time does fly by faster when you get older. Which is a funny thought because 25 is not that old. Last night Bill & I went to a small party at a friends loft downtown. It was fun, lots of poker playing, eatting & laughing at the dog someone brought along. A lot of people made the "I'm getting so old" comment. We were all about the same age, however when people started arriving I did think to myself "God, we're hanging out with old people now". Bill & I were the only married couple there (that was a heated topic for some couples) & the only couple with kids (on the way). We were also very satisfied that nobody got drunk & puked everywhere or had any crazy events happen to talk about the next day. I think we use the term "old" because we have more experience.

Before we left for the party, I had finished putting our wedding album together (nesting at it's finest, considering that I've been thinking about this album for six years). That is when I started to feel "old". I look back at how young we were (19 & 21) & how we thought we knew everything. Everything has worked out for the better & we've had some increadible years together, but we were so...young & clueless. I think we still are young & clueless, but we have a little bit more under our belts now. I think about when Logan is older, like 19 or 20 & how old I'll feel then. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it.

This is the year that we turn to a new chapter in our lives. Our first child & the adventures of starting a family. It's going to be a busy year & I'm sure we're going to learn more than we ever thought. This is going to be one of those times where I look back & think "we were so...young & clueless".