Friday, June 30, 2006

The first non-deleted post & a very long one at that.
Non-deleted posts are pretty much a long vent. Especially this one. They are honest & sometimes sound horrible, but it's how I feel about a certain situation. This is an issue that I've talked to Bill about, but I don't have his support. He doesn't understand (as much as he says he does, anyway) & I understand that these are issues he doesn't want to really hear about. He has a good relationship with his family & nobody wants to hear about issues "outsiders" may have, especially when it comes to mom.

Even though we had a good time on vacation, there were certain aspects that were challenging for me. Mainly, Bill's mom. My relationship with her has been difficult for so many reasons. First, my relationship (or lack there of) with my own mom doesn't help any. I've never really had a mom (or a good one anyway), so it's hard to just automatically turn into a loving daughter. Then there are bits of history that I can't get over. This is definitely one of my faults. I hold grudges. I don't get over things very well. Since Logan has been born, it's something that I'm trying to work on.

After 9/11 when our life was turned upside down, I decided that it was a prime opportunity to go to grad school so I could pursue my career as a Chiropractor. Bill had been in a dead end job & hated it. I was tired of running the office I was working in & getting absolutely no credit. Our time in Vegas was up. Living there was no longer fun. This transition put a major strain on our marriage. Bill isn't a risk taker & needs to have everything planned & plotted out to feel comfortable. Me, I just wanted a clean slate. A fresh start. Something different & move us forward. I didn't care if I had to live in a car to get there.

Moving across the country became a big deal because this would separate Bill from his parents for the first time. As much as he says this wasn't a bone of contention, it truly was. His parents were far too involved in our personal business. They knew more about our financial situation that I did. When push came to shove & I told Bill that I was moving with or without him, he called his parents over. There was a lovely night. After telling them (or crying hysterically) that I couldn't live in Vegas any longer & I needed to go to school, Bill's mom flat out said, "You're not smart enough to be a Doctor". I will never forget that.

We were never close after that episode, even if there were apologies. We didn't talk on the phone unless it was when Bill was on the phone too. When I found out that I was pregnant, she called me constantly. I felt it was fake but talked to her anyway, attempting to move forward. She teaches child development in school & offered advice. When I was really sick with "morning sickness", she told me to do everything under the sun. Eat crackers, eat something before getting up in the morning, try ginger ale, wear a sea band. The list went on forever. When I was diagnosed with HG, she still continued to recommend home remedies, even though I was on medication that they perscribe cancer patients after chemo.

Shortly after we moved into out house, she came out to help us unpack. I couldn't even get up from the couch without feeling faint or feeling like I needed to rush to the bathroom, let alone unpack a whole house. One evening she was sitting out in the garage meeting neighbors & such. "You know, all you need is some fresh air. You should come sit with me outside". I went to be polite & to humor her. She let the dogs out & of course they took advantage of the situation. They go running off, pooping in neighbors yards...while the neighbors were standing there watching. Who had to go running after them & pick up the poop? Me. Yeah, after I picked up the poop & lugged a 30 lb Pug & Beagle back into the house, I threw up. I guess all I needed was some fresh air. Later that night I told Bill that it really bothered me that his mom downplays how sick I was. He just shrugged his shoulders.

The advice on everything continued. I listened & didn't say anything because I knew this was a part of motherhood. Everyone wants to tell you something & how to do it. However, another fault of mine is thinking that I know it all. And if I don't know it, I'll go figure it out for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I never have & I never will. This will probably never change either. I know it bothered her that I wasn't on the phone everyday to ask her about something pregnancy or baby related.

Everything snowballed after Logan was born. Before I went into the hospital, Bill's mom booked a flight out for 2 weeks after the due date. I was very comfortable with that. It gave me enough time to heal & get the hang of being a mom. The day Logan was born, Bill told me she was coming out the day after we got home from the hospital. I was a little irked, but I knew she was excited. The visit was a baby hostage crisis combined with breast feeding jealousy. The next morning when Logan woke up crying to eat, I got him out of his bassinet (that was in our room). The next thing I know, she comes rushing into our room to "take care" of the situation. That really pissed me off.

The next visit wasn't any better. Originally I thought I was just being hormonal. But then I realized she was trying to take over. I talked to Bill about it & he talked to her before the next upcoming visit. This visit was better. However, it seemed like the understanding was forgotten while we were on vacation.

We had been in town no longer than an hour when the breast feeding comments started again. In the past she was always asking me when Logan was going to start formula feeding. I repeatedly said never, unless for some reason I can't continue breast feeding. Now she's always asking about when he's going to start solids, even though I repeatedly tell her that because of his food sensitivities, his pediatrician & I decided that starting him after 6 months would be a good idea. "What's mommy going to do when you get teeth? We'll see what happens to breast feeding then", she says as we're sitting in the kitchen. I clenched my jaw shut. I sat there & thought to myself, Why on God's green earth are you wishing that he would bite me? I know you couldn't breast feed. I know it's not easy for everyone. But give it up! I'm tired of the freaking comments! Those comments continued all week long when someone from the family would ask about bottle feeding.

Then there was the grandma take over. Bill's mom has been a mom for 32 years. She knows how to be a wonderful mother. She's never been a grandma before. She does not know how to be a grandma. I wanted to crawl out of my skin every time Logan got fussy & she would rush over. "Come to grandma", clapping her hands frantically. "I'll make it better". Hello! This is my child, not yours. Do NOT act like I can't take care of him & you can do a better job. The same thing would happen when he would wake up from a nap in his crib. When she was in the bathroom curling her hair, Logan woke up. I came upstairs to take care of him & she was already at the crib. I just sighed I went back down. She came down with him & I decided I would take advantage of the opportunity. You want to constantly take care of him? Fine. I'm going to "take a break" & jump in the shower for about an hour & a half. She was not happy. All I heard about was how she had been trying to get her hair curled for the last two hours. Hey, I didn't ask her to get him. If she was busy, she didn't have to stop what she was doing & pretend to be his mom. Later that afternoon, she rocked Logan to sleep rather than but him in his crib. She did this after knowing how hard I'm trying to teach him how to soothe himself so we can all get to sleep better in our house. Rocking him to sleep is taking us a step back. I was livid. Of course, Bill just made excuses for her.

Then there were the car rides. We drove a whole lot on this trip. Logan was in the middle with me on one side & grandma on the other. She could not keep her hands out of the car seat & away from his face, with her finger jammed in his binky. If he fussed, I was right there. There was absolutely no reason for her to be "the mom". As we were driving to the reunion, she had her finger in his face. He was turning his head from side to side because he didn't want to take his binky. "He can hold it in there by himself. You don't need to keep it in the whole time. Otherwise, it's going to be a long ride for you", I finally said. I demonstrated how he can take the binky from me & put it in his own mouth. I also propped the burp cloth under his chin so if the binky did pop out, he could still reach it with his lips. The rides were pretty silent after that.

At the reunion he was passed around all day long. I was prepared for this to happen, so I wasn't totally freaked out. There were times that it was too much for Logan though. When everyone was eating, he fell asleep on my lap. She came over & wanted to take him. "He's fine, I'm fine holding him. I've already had something to eat, thank you though", I told her. She walked away a little put off. As we were saying our good bye's, Bill's aunt (his moms sister) hugged me & said, "She's (Bill's mom) is one proud grandma. She's having a hard time". Woah. This made my eyebrows raise. "Oh yeah?", I said & left it at that. What I really wanted to say was, Oh yeah? Well, there are a lot of layers in this onion. We're all having a hard time.

One afternoon Bill & I left Logan with grandma & we went out to grab something to eat. She said they were going for a walk & left a few minutes before us. As we were driving out of the driveway, I noticed that she was on her way to the park with him. "What the hell! She's taking him to the park. He's never been on a swing before! She's taking away one of our firsts!" I gasped. Bill didn't say anything & I was mad as hell. She's had two kids. She had a chance to raise them & do things with them. Logan is my first baby & what she's doing isn't right. Fortunately, Logan didn't fit in the infant swing & she didn't want to hold him on her lap. But the fact that she was going to do this was unbelievable.

I never said anything during the vacation. I didn't want to make it extreamely uncomfortable for everyone. My jaw is sore from clenching my teeth, that's for sure. I made sure to give her one-on-one grandma time with Logan. She baby sat almost every night while Bill & I went out. She spent time with him in the morning while I got a chance to sleep in. She played with him while I was in the shower & getting ready for the day. It was never like I kept them away from each other or tried to but in on bonding time. It bothers me to the ends of the earth that she doesn't understand (even after conversations about it) what her role is. It's to the point where I can't wait for Logans' cousin to be born. Maybe then grandma can try to take over at their house instead of ours.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Our visit with Bill's grandma.
This was a very emotional & eye opening visit for all of us. It brought back so many memories of visiting Nanna, my great grandma in her nursing home. At the time I hated it. The great grand kids did have a good time dancing around, singing & entertaining her, but the nursing home was a very uncomfortable place to be. The odd smells, crazy & demented people roaming the halls or screaming from their beds & just a yucky, gross feeling from being there. It was really important to my grandma Nancy & Nanna that we went, so we didn't complain. I now realize how important those visits were. How lonely Nanna must have been living there & how seeing her great grand kids brought light & life to her long days.

My younger sisters work with the elderly now. One works in the hospital as a CNA & the other works in home health care. Every time we talk about the work they do I tell them that they have a heart of gold to do what they do. They keep them company & take very good care of them. I often hear about how they sit by the beds of their patients, holding their hands as they pass away because they don't have a family (or one that visits them anyway) & they don't have to pass alone. They do work that I don't have the emotional strength to do.

In the past few years, Bill has had a difficult time talking to his grandma. She was getting old & depressed & the conversations would bring him down too. Eventually he just stopped calling her. She had a few car accidents, one where she drove straight into the high school years ago (when Bill was showing me around town, we went to his high school & he pointed out where they rebuilt the side of the building. She hit the building from just driving around & getting lost in the parking lot) & the other where she took out the entire side of a garage on her way to the bank. She stopped driving & was all by herself in her apartment with her little dog, Molly.

About a month ago, grandma was up in the middle of the night taking care of Molly. She tripped & fell, injuring her shoulder pretty bad. She couldn't take care of herself & had to move into a nursing home. She was depressed to begin with & this transition didn't help any. She was heart broken about having to give Molly away because she loved her so much. Bill's aunt ended up taking the dog because nobody else wanted her & they didn't want to take her to a shelter. Between giving Molly away, losing her independence & recovering from a serious injury, things were looking very bad. A few weeks before the trip, Bill mentioned that this would probably be the last time he would see his grandma & he was afraid that maybe she wouldn't make it by the time we got there.

We walked into the very small, but nice home that she was living in. Bill's aunt lives just around the block, so she can make frequent visits. Just walking down the halls made me think about Nanna. We got to grandmas room where she was sitting in her rocking chair. She tried to get up but couldn't, so Bill & his dad had to pull her up & sat her on her bed. She was so excited that we were there. She saw Logan & I held him up on her lap for a bit (making sure I had a pretty tight grip on him). Bill had to leave quite a few times because it was just so hard to see her like this. He & his mom would take Logan out to walk him around the halls while Bill's dad & I would stay back in the room with grandma.

She talked about how she didn't have any complaints about the nursing home. Everyone was taking very good care of her & the residents were all like family. She has some favorite CNA's that treat her kindly & spoke very highly of her new living arrangements. Grandma is a funny little (80 lbs. little) lady & made some hilarious jokes about being there.

She was very emotional though. She was so happy that we were there, in tears saying how she's been thinking about us. She was doing well mentally, but did have some big slip ups. While Bill's dad & I were sitting with her, she was asking about the size of Bill's relatives, wondering how tall Logan was going to be. "Mom, he's my son. He's your grandson". Bill's dad would say. "Oh. Oh, I know. You know, I can catch it sometimes. I can catch my mind going. I'm sorry". Sitting on the edge of her bed, her lips would tremble, quietly crying. I felt so bad. It broke my heart. I sat next to her holding her hand trying to comfort her. "I don't remember anything either. Having a baby does that to you, I guess", I would tell her. Everyone would go in & out of the room to privately cry, but I pretty much stayed by her side.

In the middle of our visit one of the CNA's stopped by to tell us that they were going to have coffee & music in the dining hall & we were more than welcome to join them. It seemed like grandma wanted to go, so we all went down. Things started to look up when she had a hold of her walker & practically ran down the hall. It took a brisk walk for all of us to keep up with her. We were so shocked & laughing so hard at her flying by & running around all of the other residents making their way down.

We got to the dining hall where she showed us her special chair with a booster seat (because she really is that short) & yelled across the room "This is my sonny boy!" & introducing us. We sat down at a table & grandma quickly yelled, "Nurse! Can we get some cookies over here!" We all thought that was pretty funny. There was a table of about 4 ladies behind us who had been peeling potatoes. One of the CNA's came over to help them wrap it up. "I think you all have peeled enough. You have 50 lbs of potatoes here". We looked behind us to see a huge pile of peels & potatoes everywhere. One of the ladies didn't want to stop & give up the potato that she was working on. Another asked for some salt & pepper so she could take it back to her room. We could not stop laughing. We all had tears coming down our faces, especially when we looked at the menu that was posted for the day & noticed potatoes in every meal.

The CNA's came around to pass out cookies, donuts, juice & coffee. When they came to our table grandma asked for a donut. "You were just yelling for cookies a minute ago", the CNA laughed. "I changed my mind", grandma said matter of factly.

We ate our donuts & drank juice & coffee while we listened to a retired guy play his guitar & sing some really old songs (we sang along to the ones we knew). Logan had a great time listening to the music & clapping after every song. Some of the songs were kind of depressing, bringing grandma to silent tears. I sat there wondering why he chose the songs he did. Didn't he think of happy songs to help them "escape" rather than "Jesus helping them one day at a time" making them reflect on the situation? I don't know, but to me music is powerful. Reflective thoughts about the end of my life aren't things I would want to think about while living in a nursing home.

After music & snacks we went back to grandmas room. On the way back everyone was ooooing & ahhhhing all over Logan. Bill's mom made the comment about how babies bring life into their day. It made sense, but I felt strange with Logan being the "therapy baby" for the day. Right before we got to grandmas room, another lady came up to see Logan. "Can I touch him?" she asked. Feeling weird, but thankful that she at least asked I said yes. She touched his arm & rubbed his hand. We waved "bye-bye" & went back to grandmas room. We sat at chatted for a bit longer & then it was time for Logan to eat & get some rolling around time.

We said our good-byes. There were lots of tears. We felt much better about her health & well being. We think that by the end of the next month, her shoulder will be much better & she might be able to go to an assisted living home. She just needs to be able to take care of her bodily functions & take her medications by herself. Even though she may be able to do these things, I still think that living in the home will be better. She'll have so many good people there that will help take care of her & organized days where she can socialize with the other residents. There's even a big fat therapy cat that makes his rounds around the home to entertain people too.

Later that night Bill & I were talking about the visit. I told him about her mental slip while he was gone & how painful it was for her to realize that she's close to the end of the road. It's hard for her to notice that her mind & body are starting to go, even though it seems her mind is younger than her body. Bill was feeling better about her health, but said that he's going to make an effort to call her regularly. I hope he does. That would make her so happy.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

21 weeks, he's 5 months old now!
We missed Logans' 20 th week update because of the vacation. Oddly, I didn't even take pictures either (well, not counting pictures of him with the other members of the family). So, in the 20 th week he went on his first vacation with a first flight as well. He was mauled by grandmas, aunts & cousins. Sometimes he liked it, sometimes it was too much. Thank goodness mommy was there to save him. He watched his first hockey practice & totally loved it. He met all of his family members from his dads side of the family. He met his great grandma in the nursing home & all of the other people living there were so excited that he came to visit. He had his first baby sitter who gave him a bath & put him to bed (something that up until now, only mom has done). Everyone loved to see him & were so shocked at how strong he is. There was talk about my baby workout book (that I haven't worked on since before Mother's Day. I really need to get back on track). I was told that Logan is such a laid back, happy, content & really good baby (which he is).

At 21 weeks, there have been some new developments. He now tries to drink out of a cup. I don't have anything in there for him to actually drink, but he grabs the cup & puts it right up to his mouth. I was amazed, wondering where on earth he learned how to do that. I don't drink from cups (I still have my gihugant-yes, that's my made up word- mug with the straw that I got from the hospital). Then grandma reminded me about my morning coffee. Oh that's where he got it.

The main concern has been with poop. Yea, more poop news. Before we left for vacation, Logan had not pooped in 5 days. This is highly unusual for him, as he is a very regular guy & has been ever since birth. I went to Baby Center (where I find most of my baby information) & read that his GI tract is maturing & is digesting almost all of the breast milk now. Even though it's common for breast fed babies to go days without a bowl movement, it's even more common now. He finally pooped the day before we left & I was happy that things were normal. While we were away, there weren't any bowel movements from the kiddo. It had been 7 days. Bill's family was telling me not to call his pediatrician & just give him Karo syrup & water. Ummm, thanks, but I'm going to call his Doctor before I do anything.

He wasn't fussy, didn't have a fever, wasn't throwing up, wasn't straining & his stomach wasn't tender or distended. He was still passing gas (& boy, he stinks now) & sometimes a small amount would show up in the diaper. So I wasn't freaking out. We got home & still, nothing. I called the Doctor yesterday & they told me to give him 2-4 ounces of water twice a day & I could also give him diluted apple juice. If that didn't get things moving or if things got worse, bring him in.

We tried to give him some water first. He loves the bottle & tried to hold it by himself, but he didn't like the water. Then we tried the diluted apple juice. Same thing. I think he drank about half of an ounce between the two bottle feeds. He went to bed without any poop action.

We finally found a breathable bumper for his crib & put that on last night. He slept so well. I only had to wake up twice (which in my book is an awesome night). He woke up at 6 am this morning to eat breakfast. I fed him & kept him in bed with me. He was kicking & squirming all over the place. Then lo & behold...poop! And what a freaking smelly one too. It's so bad I think I'm going to convince Bill that we need to buy a real diaper pail. He's had two major bowel movements today & I'm very relived. He is taking a nap (& it seems to be a very good one) in his bumper wrapped crib. Things are good.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The best part about going on vacation is coming home.
Boy, what an eventful trip this was. It had been 9 years since Bill had been back. He & his family wanted to show me everything. Surprisingly, there was never a dull moment.

We flew out on Tuesday afternoon. Logan was really good on the flight. I nursed him on take off & he fell asleep. His ears never bothered him & nursing distracted me from the take off, but only just a little. I still had the death grip on Bill's hand. We were flying on a very small express flight. I've never been on a plane that small before. It was pretty scary. When Logan woke up, we still had about 30 minutes left in the flight. He got a little fussy, so I thought he might need a diaper change. Yeah, that's the first & last time I will ever step foot into an airplane restroom, especially to change a diaper. The only word I have for it is gross. When we got back to our seats, Logan was still a little fussy, but I'm sure it was because he woke up from his nap & wanted to move around. He's an active little guy & being stuck in a seat on my lap was not his idea of fun. He wasn't that bad though.

Once we got into town, Bill & his mom took me to a coffee shop where they would often eat lunch. Now I know why people from North Dakota are on the "bigger" side. Everything on the menu is deep fried. I was on vacation, so I really didn't care. We ate & then they drove me around town to show me where the flood took out houses & businesses & what was rebuilt. It was mind blowing to see how high the river got & the destruction that it caused. Unbelievable. Grand Forks is a cute little town & it became clear why Bill wants to move to a smaller town in Colorado.

On Wednesday we drove up to Northwood, a very small town that Bill's mom grew up in. It was really cute & really small. It took all of two minutes to drive through & driving really slow at that. She showed us the one room school house where she went to school when she was younger & told us stories of playing in the underground forts in the summer & on the rubber ice in the winter.

She drove us to Washington church where her family went. It was locked so we couldn't see inside. The cemetery across the road was where her side of the family was buried. We paid our respects to the family that had passed years ago & those just recently as well.We drove home & ate pizza from the pizza shop that the family rants & raves about. We ate with aunts & cousins. Afterward, we left Logan with grandma to meet up with one of Bill's high school buddies. It was nice to finally meet him & for them to get a chance to catch up. I heard stories that I've never heard before. It's a miracle that they are still living.

Thursday we stayed in town. One of Bill's cousins took us to the Ralph Engelstad Arena. It was built after the flood & Bill hadn't seen it. It was really nice. We took a tour, saw the suites & watched hockey practice for a bit. Logan already likes hockey! We stopped by the gift shop & bought him a fighting sioux Nike outfit for him to wear to his first hockey game when UND plays DU in February.

Afterward, we drove to the new Japanese garden that was built by the sister city of Awano, Japan after the flood. Bill's cousin was a host family for one of the exchange students from there & told us about all of the history with the garden & in return, Grand Forks sent a bronze buffalo statue. It was very interesting.

Again, it was grandma's turn to babysit that night while Bill & I went out for dinner & drinks with a few of his friends & his cousin. We ate at the college hang out where Bill used to work & went to a bar that's owned by some friends of the family. We had a great time meeting each other, catching up, laughing & telling more stories of rebellious youth.

Friday we drove out to Bemidji, Minnesota for the family reunion. We took the traditional picture by Paul Bunion & Babe The Blue Ox. Most of the family made it out to the reunion. Logan was passed around from cousin to aunt to uncle to grandma. They loved it, but I'm not so sure about how Logan felt about it. There were times that he had to sit on my lap to cuddle & get some chill out time. It was great to finally put faces to names though. I was joking with Bill the night before about how I know more about his family tree than he does. It turns out to be the truth!With every family reunion there always has to be an ungodly amount of food. Venison jerky, fresh walleye (fried, of course), home made apple sweet rolls & almost everyone was drinking hurricanes. That was our cue to leave. Bill's mom made a joke about how they leave before the drunken brawls (I don't think there were any this year).

Saturday we drove up to the small town of Lakota to visit Bill's dad's side of the family. I met another aunt & cousin & then we drove out to see Bill's grandma at the nursing home. There's a lot that I have to say about this, so I'm going to go into a lot of detail later this week. It was a very eye opening reality check for me. It was great to see her again & we got a four generation picture of her with Bill, grandpa & Logan.

That night Logan stayed home with Bill's cousin while we all went out for dinner. I cried when we got into the car because this was the first time I left Logan with someone I really didn't know (even though it was still family). It was his first babysitter. I got over it pretty quick though. Bill's parents, Aunt & two uncles were with us. It was a great dinner with huge portion sizes (another reason why everyone from there is "bigger").

Sunday we drove to Grafton where Bill's dad grew up. We saw the farm house & while Bill was taking a picture, a small boy was peering out of the window wondering why on earth we were taking a picture of his house.

We drove by the crops on the farm. They were growing corn & sugar beets. We went to his one room school house where he went when he was younger & told us stories of playing in the river in the summer.

He took us to Zion church where his family went. We paid our respects to the family that were buried there as well. This was the first time that I heard anything about that side of Bill's family. It was very interesting to learn about the relatives, how they passed & what their lives were like. They even found family graves that Bill's dad didn't know about & saw them for the first time. They were from the 1800's & engraved in norweigian script. Bill's great grandma came across to the states from Norway (this is something that he & his dad brag about when it comes to genealogy. "We're 100% Norweigian"). We were able to go into the church & look at the chapel with stained glass windows. Downstairs were antiques & historical artifacts. We saw a picture of the founding pastor of the church. It was really cool.

We left Logan alone with the grandparents again & Bill & I went out for coffee. We wandered around downtown & took some pictures. It was a great night for a walk & some fresh air. I thought it was crazy that we were walking around downtown & there wasn't a homeless person in sight. Bill said that the winters were really bad & that keeps the street people at a minimum.

Monday Bill & I did some shopping for Logan, getting him an adidas baseball cap & a ton of other clothes. We went to the candy store downtown & bought "chippers". Chocolate covered potato chips. They are so good, it's ridiculous. We went to a wine tasting room & bought a couple bottles of wine, one of which we're drinking tonight & wow. It's really good. We flew home later that night & Logan did about the same. He was great on take off & landing, sleeping most of the time, only getting fussy when he didn't want to sit anymore. The passengers behind us were great by keeping him smiling & hushing him when he cried. It's amazing that Logan will listen to other people, but not me. Well, no. It's not. I better get used to that I guess.

We had a great time on Logan's first vacation. We learned about new family history & I got a well rounded idea of where Bill came from. Everyone loved Logan & thought he looked just like Bill (& some thought he looked like Bill's grandma too). Even though it was a lot of fun, it sure is nice to be back home.

Monday, June 19, 2006

We're about to leave for Logan's first vacation.
I'm getting the house clean & getting us packed up for tomorrow morning. We're flying up to North Dakota for Bill's family reunion. Bill hasn't been back in 10 years & I've never been. This will be interesting.

I'm really nervous about the flight. I'm not a flyer to begin with & I've actually been in tears on take off before. Then there was the time that I was on a business trip & we hit some really bad turbulence. I called Bill as fast as I could on the cell phone I wasn't supposed to be using at that time. So here I am. I'm supposed to be an adult, or at least "brave". Really, the last thing we need is two crying family members. I hope Logan does fine. It's only an hour & a half flight. He did great when we drove up to see Bill's sister & it took about the same amount of time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

When we get up there grandma is going to spoil Logan rotten. I think the minute we get off of the plane we're going straight into a shopping spree. It was kind of funny because this last weekend Bill & I bought Logan a shirt. Bill's mom calls, "Don't buy him anything else! I'm going to get him stocked up." I'm sure I'll need to bring an extra bag or even a suit case. Bill mentioned that if we don't have enough room, we'll have to mail it back. Wow. Gotta love the grandmas.

The first day that we'll be there Bill, Logan & I will go out for dinner with one of Bill's high school buddies. We'll meet up with his other best friend later in the week. I've heard so many stories (ones that Logan should never hear until he has graduated from high school). I'm sure it's going to be good for them to catch up & strange to see how much they've changed.

The rest of the week we're going to spend driving around. We'll drive out to the very small towns that Bill's parents grew up in. We'll see the family farm. They grow potatoes & corn, I think. We'll drive out to see Bill's grandma, who sadly, won't be around very much longer. He hasn't seen her since she came out for the wedding. At the end of the week we'll go to the family reunion.

It will be good to see where Bill & his family came from. I'll see where Bill built his disc golf course & where the town flooded. I'll meet friends & family that I've only known in stories. I'm sure everyone will think Logan is the cutest little baby ever (I'm trying not to freak out at the idea of everyone holding him & taking him hostage). Logan will even have a babysitter for a night while we go out for dinner with Bill's parents. That should be interesting as well. I'll have a ton of pictures & stories when we get back next week.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Father's Day
I was going to post a couple of pictures of Bill & Logan hanging out, but I couldn't decide on the ones I liked the best. So, what do I do when I have a lot of pictures on a sentimental holiday? Make another montage, of course (I could have worse addictions)!

Billy, thank you for helping me change Logan's diapers, reading him bed time stories & tucking him in at night. Thank you for giving him hugs & kisses, playing with him on the floor & comforting him when he cries. Thank you for being one of the best dads ever!

Create your own video at One True Media

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The blog will be a book.
Shortly after I posted the "Exactly One Year" post, my Aunt & her family who owns a bindery emailed me. She offered to bind the blog entries into a hard cover book for us. I'm editing & revising some of the entries & I'm going to print them out on some nice paper. After Logan's first birthday, I'll send them off & they'll bind them into a book. This is really nice & it will become one of the most prized keep sakes in our house.

I've struggled with wether or not to write about certain events & aspects of my childhood in detail, even though I may have touched upon them here & there. I never wanted this to be the blog of doom & quite frankly, everything in my life up to the point of meeting Bill is very depressing. However uncomfortable & unhappy those experiences may have been, they have molded me into the person that I am today. They have a huge impact of what kind of mother I am & why I parent Logan the way I do.

I had a journal during those times in my life. Every horrific moment was documented on paper. Once I met Bill & we became not only the best of friends, but soul mates as well, we took that journal to a park close to home. We brought along a bottle of lighter fluid. We sat by the fire pit & burned the journal into a pile of ashes. It was an event that mostly symbolized that my past was over & we had a wonderful future ahead of us. I never wanted to remember those times again. Strangely, my mind has erased most of the details anyway (psychology at it's best). I never let Bill read anything in there & to this day, I don't think I've even told him any of the details.

Since becoming a parent, those memories have started to resurface. They start with a feeling, an emotion & then I remember. I've often started to write them out to then quickly delete it, trying my best to forget again. I've decided that I'm not going to delete them anymore. They are very personal, very traumatic & probably not very fun to read.

I want Logan to know where I came from as a person. Why I am the way I am, why he only has one grandma & will never know the other & show him that your past is not an excuse, but an education. I also want him to know exactly why I love him so much & why he means the world to me.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The week of mental limbo.
It's been slow & I feel like I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. We're planning on getting the house up on the market this weekend, at best. With crunching the numbers, we need to sell & fast. If the house doesn't sell by August, then it's back to work for me (or if we happen to come across an extra $800 a month). I'm not very happy about this & I'm really hoping for the miracle that it's going to take to make it happen.

I have a lot of different feelings about this & none of them are positive. I've trimmed the budget down as much as we could (surprised at how much we could cut out) & selling the house is the last step. We will have sacrificed everything in order for me to still stay at home with Logan. Just the thought of sending him to daycare kills me & makes me sick to my stomach.

There is still a little bit of hope that I'm hanging on to. I have a month. A month to either enjoy my time while it lasts & savor every moment of singing the alphabet & rolling around on the floor, or a month to wait for that "something" that's supposed to happen. The plan. The "everything happens for a reason". I hope with every cell of my body that it all works out. I'm trying my best to go with the flow. I keep telling myself that I need to continually learn how to be flexible. Life happens & there's really no controlling it. I have to do what I have to do.

I feel like I'm lost in the woods & have been crushed by a boulder. Here I am waiting for the rescue team to lift it off & get me free. I wait. And wait. Days & nights pass & I run through all of the possibilities & outcomes in my head. I ration the small amounts of food & water that I can get. I realize at some point that if I want to live, I'm going to have to cut off my leg.

Sending Logan to daycare is like cutting off my leg. It's the most painful thing I can think of doing. I'm waiting until the very last second to do it.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's time to buy some tub toys.
Logan loved his bath last night! The body sponge that I got him acted more like a baby raft. He was floating around & grabbing his feet. He would let his head relax back into the water & sometimes wanted to roll over. Yeah, that was interesting, trying to catch a slippery Logan. Fortunately he never went under.

His bath didn't take as much time as it did in his infant tub. We laughed & splashed & had a good time. I thought a rubber ducky & other bath toys would be fun for him. So it looks like were getting those on Friday when we go & get his mesh crib bumper.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

19 weeks old

As each day passes, Logan continues to learn something new or perfect something that he already started working on. Not only is he rolling all over the place, but he is trying his best to crawl early. He is scooting (albeit not far) by digging his toes into the carpet & pushing himself without the assistance of his arms. Today Bill & I watched him roll down the hallway & scoot around to take a look back at us (just to make sure we were still watching).

He is such a little smartie pants. He loves to hang out in his crib & he figured out that if he kicks the buttons on his mobile, he can turn it on. AND change the music. When he's supposed to be napping (like right now), I can hear him kicking the crap out of it. He'll kick & listen to one song for a minute & then kick as hard as he can to listen to the next. He is his fathers son. This is one of Bill's quirks that drives me nuts. He can't listen to a song in it's entirety. I tell him all of the time that he has music ADD. It looks like Logan does too.

Our bed time reading is a lot of fun. Logan is now the page turner. He helps me hold the book & turns the pages (usually at the wrong time, like when I'm right in the middle of a sentence). He cuddles up on my lap & looks at the pictures. We have a few texture books that he loves to feel & his favorite books are the thick sturdy kind. He can turn the pages easily with those. Then there are the sappy baby books (Love You Forever) that make me cry every single time, no matter how many times I've read them with him.

Speaking of sleep, last night was the first night Logan wasn't swaddled. And he went to sleep! After he rolls around for a bit & gets himself settled, he falls asleep on his side. I'm so happy that this worked out & I should've realized that I shouldn't think about this stuff so much. Somehow it all works itself out.

Tonight will be the first night that Logan takes a bath in the "big bath". He's outgrown his infant tub & he's getting longer by the second. He also thinks that bath time is like pool time. He splashes like a crazy man with his arms flailing all over & smacking down on top of the water. We have such a good time with me freaking out, "Stop splashing! You're getting me all wet! That's not nice! This isn't the swimming pool!" He stops & smiles a really big smile & then smacks his arms down again. Then we both giggle. He is too much fun. Bill suggested that Logan & I take a bath in the master bath & he could swim around. I mentioned how it wouldn't be that fun if he pooped in the tub while I was in there with him. Gross.

Monday, June 12, 2006

On our way to better sleep!

Things are progressing (granted, slowly) towards all of us getting a good night's sleep. Ever since Logans' pediatrician told us that we can stop his middle of the night nursing, he's been sleeping longer. It's taking a little bit of time & we're still working on it, but it's exciting.

He still has a strict 8 pm bedtime. He'll nurse between 6 & 7, then I read & sing to him. I still swaddle him & he still needs his binky. He no longer freaks out because he's escaped his swaddle. It's more like he freaks out because he's practically doing summersaults in his crib & gets stuck in some funky position. If his binky falls out (& usually ends up underneath the crib), after a while he's content with chewing on his blanket or sucking on his hands.

He pretty much goes right to sleep (usually). He nurses again around 10 or 11 if he even wakes up. If he doesn't, I go to bed. If he wakes up before midnight, I'll nurse him again. If he doesn't, I'll push him to 5 or 6 am by giving him his binky & putting him back to sleep. Sometimes he wakes up around 2 & 4 am. I've been letting him cry it out for a little bit & unless he gets hysterical (which means he's stuck somewhere), it's not bad at all. He can usually get himself back to sleep now.

This is really starting to work out. There have been one or two nights where he slept through the night & I was left feeling like I was going to explode. Sometimes I worry about how this is going to affect milk production & I hope the supply keeps up. I still want to nurse him for another 6 months (if he doesn't get teeth & bite).

Friday, June 09, 2006

Now we really have to child proof the house.
Logan is on the move. His mode of transportation? Rolling. Over & over & over. We need to get the baby gate up so he doesn't end up rolling down the stairs. He's a little funny guy, preferring to only roll to the left. If he gets stuck, he gets frustrated. Even though he knows how to roll to the right. He's doing the same thing at night & getting stuck between the crib slats. I've had to free his legs (or a leg) quite a few times. I think it's time to get a breathable bumper for his crib.

Here is a video of him on the move from this morning. Again, there isn't any audio & I haven't had time to really figure out the video editing to make it more interesting. Here's to a minute of silent motion.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

At 18 weeks old, Logan goes on his first road trip

Yesterday we packed up what seemed like the entire house & drove up to Fort Collins for the day. We wanted to visit the family & check out the town. That & they really wanted to baby sit Logan for us too.

The drive up is about an hour & a half. Logan was awesome. He didn't cry at all. He did get a little fussy when we made a pit stop at Starbucks, but as soon as we were driving again, he went right back to sleep.

When we got to the house, I fed Logan & we all went out to lunch. It was warm, so we decided to eat outside on the patio. Logan had a great time being passed around the table. I also let him taste my lemon. He didn't make a sour face (although I don't know if his taste buds recognize sour tastes yet) but he likes it! So far he has tasted pineapple juice, butter, strawberry, potato, pretzel & now lemon. He's only tasted these foods, but I don't think feeding him solids is ever going to be a problem. After we had some great food, we left to go drive around town & check out different neighborhoods.

Logan was entertained by chewing on his Aunts fingers, to which she proclaimed that she loved it & was never going to wash her hands again. We drove around some lake side neighborhoods & looked at some houses that are on the market. We stopped to go shopping for baby clothes & I bought Logan a couple of cute summer outfits that should keep him cool. While I was looking through the racks, I had him in his car seat on the floor. A little girl, about 2 years old, came up to see him in his seat. She said "Hi" & he gave her a big smile. He's such a flirt! It was too cute.

We went back to the house & Logan played with his Aunt & Uncle. He really loves them, especially his Uncle! He was all smiles (giving his Uncle the biggest smiles I've ever seen) & laughed so hard at them. It was so much fun. This was the first time Bill heard him laugh out loud & boy, did he get a show. Logan must think his family is the coolest.

Logan stayed back with the family while Bill & I went out for our anniversary dinner. We went out for sushi (a celebratory tradition, as it's my favorite food in the whole world) & walked around Old Town. This is our kind of place. There are boutique lined streets, great places to eat, organic co-ops & big green trees every where. We stopped to get some home made ice cream before going back to the house. We had such a great time & Logan was on his best behavior. This place is nothing like where we live now. Now I don't care about selling the house. I want to pack it up & move tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Our 7 th year anniversary
The beginning, the wedding & quite possibly the longest post in the world

It all started way back in November 1997. I was a senior in high school & working as one of the assistant managers at Fresh Blend, a smoothie & juice bar. Bill just moved to Vegas from North Dakota after their town flooded & his family lost their house. He started working there the beginning of that month. I was still dating a boyfriend long distance who moved not too long ago & I thought Bill was a cool friend. I didn't know anyone else who loved music as much as I did, until we met. We talked about our favorite bands, concerts that we went to (we happened to be at the same concert , just a few feet away from each other a month before we met) & art.

Bill was going to school for graphic arts & was into photography too. He was (& still is) really talented. I was pretty impressed with his work & it was part of the initial attraction to him. I am a total sucker for a smart guy. He would bring me along when he had a photography assignment to do. We would talk & laugh & listen to music & we just had a lot of fun.

Our relationship grew pretty fast. We seemed to have had an immediate "click". In December, right before Christmas, I got a letter from my boyfriend letting me know that he was with someone else & we were breaking up. I wasn't really that upset. Bill & I started to hang out even more. At the time I was really involved with the church & had pretty high (& snooty) standards. I told Bill that if we were going to hang out, he had to quit smoking & drinking. He did & without even thinking about it (this was one of the first signs that he was The One).

My family (the cousins that I had only known & lived with for two years-this is a whole other story) were planning on spending Christmas in Deer Valley where they had a condo. Bill was going back to see his friends in Grand Forks. The day before he left, I invited him over to watch a movie. As we watched "Swingers" on opposite ends of the couch, there was a bit of tension. We wanted to cuddle, but we weren't sure if the other wanted to. The movie ended & we got up (still from opposite ends of the couch) & walked out to his car. That's where we had our first kiss. It was all the two of us could think about while we were on our Christmas vacations. I called him a few days into the week. We talked for a while (I don't remember for how long, but I know it was a long time). Years later, Bill told me that he hated living in Vegas & planned on staying in Grand Forks with his friends, until that first kiss.

When the both of us were back in Vegas, things started to move really fast. We would hang out in one of our cars after work & talk. One night Bill nervously turned to me & asked, "Do you want to go out?" I thought he was sweet & said "sure". My family noticed that we were dating seriously & told me that if we were going to be together, Bill had to come with us to church on Sundays & had to go to seminary with me after school. Eventually he would have to take the missionary lessons & join the church. I didn't think twice when I told him about the hoops he would have to jump through to be with me. He didn't complain or run away. He did everything that I asked (or rather told) him to do (this was another sign that he was The One).

March of 1998, on my 18 th birthday, we were driving to meet up with his parents for my birthday dinner. On the way there, a really old guy (born in 1901, no joke) decided that he was going to make a U-turn in the middle of the road, right in front of us. As we T-boned him, Bill threw his arm across me to make sure I didn't get hurt (this was yet another sign that he was The One). Fortunately we were smart & wore seatbelts, otherwise Bill would've gone through the windshield. We walked away from the accident injury free & with a much stronger bond.

By Easter, we were very serious. My family was in the church choir singing & directing the Easter performance. After church we had the entire choir over to celebrate, meanwhile I had a meeting with the bishop. In this meeting the bishop asked about our relationship & asked when Bill was going to join the church. By this time I had a major epiphany & realized how evil the whole conversion situation was. I Bill was doing this for me because he wanted to be with me, not because of religion. I wasn't going to church as much, I was skipping seminary & wasn't following through with Bill's conversion. The bishop told me that I had to make a choice. Choose the church or choose Bill. I went home with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I got home, with the entire choir still over & in the midst of the Easter celebration. I called Bill & told him that we had to meet at a park & talk. We met a few minutes later & sat on a picnic table in the cold, dark night. In tears, I told him everything the bishop said to me. I told him that this situation wasn't right. It wasn't fair. He had done everything that I asked him to, without fight or complaint. The church had done nothing, but cause problems . I made the decision to leave the church to be with Bill.

We walked back to our cars. Bill opened my door for me & paused. Then he got down on his knee. "I know you're still in school, we don't have any money & I don't have a ring..." He proposed right there. It was such a special moment & one that I'll never forget. With both of us in tears, I said yes.

We kept it quiet for a while, as I was still in school, my family wouldn't approve & Bill was apprehensive about his parents reaction. I couldn't keep my mouth shut at school & told all of my friends (that weren't in the church). I was also working at a law firm right after school (& would go to work at Fresh Blend when the office closed) & I told some of the secretaries. One of them had a ring that she wore until her husband could afford "the real one". It looked like a real solitaire engagement ring. She passed it down to me saying that she had sons who wouldn't need to use it for years (I ended up passing the ring down to another couple who were in a similar situation). Now it looked official & everyone knew (even though we still hadn't told anyone).

A couple of months later Bill & I told his parents at dinner. I've never seen Bill so nervous. It was funny how the whole conversation started. Bill & I decided to tell them & he was getting cold feet. He wasn't touching his food. His mom noticed & asked him about what was bothering him. He had to tell them now. "Don't worry, she's not pregnant" he blurted, as most people assume this is the situation when you get married so soon into a relationship at 18 & 20. They were really happy for us. I graduated a few weeks later. My family found out about our engagement & me leaving the church. It wasn't a good situation (but it never really was to begin with anyway). I moved out & moved in with Bill & his parents until we could afford a place of our own. I quit my job at the law firm to go work in a chiropractic office because the attorneys were family friends & members of the same church. One of them called me into his office to try & talk me out of my relationship with Bill & to come back to the church. Saying "yes" to Bill & leaving the church (& the family who were essentially strangers) was one of the best decisions that I have ever made in my life.

We saved up for a little less than a year & in March (on my 19 th birthday) moved into a beautiful, brand new apartment. It was on the top, the third floor, with a view of the valley & the strip. The day we moved in, we got Buddha (He's been with us through everything). We were still saving for the wedding & planned on getting married that October. The next month we found out from Bill's parents that his grandmother, who never travels, was planning on visiting in June. If we wanted her to be at the wedding, we would have to bump up the date. I had less than a month to make everything happen.

We were paying for the wedding ourselves. I wasn't on speaking terms with my mom (that's a whole other story as well). My dad had previously been out of my life for 8 years & had been back for the last two. It was my Grandma Nancy's death that brought him back. We didn't have a strong relationship, so I didn't ask him for any help. I invited him to the wedding, but he said he couldn't make it & disappeared again. Bill's parents helped us out a bit though. His mom bought my dress & we ended up using a credit card for the rest, including my ring.

I wanted a small but nice wedding. Bill wanted to do the whole "Vegas thing". No way in hell was I going to get married Vegas style. Because it was on such short notice, it was going to be a small wedding anyway. Bill had his parents, sister & grandmother there. We were able to fly two of my sisters out (the youngest one, my half sister, was too little to come), my Aunt & one of my cousins came, a couple of my high school friends that didn't care about me leaving the church & co-workers from the chiropractic office.

It was a cute little wedding. We were married outside on a golf course that was close to home. It was everything I wanted it to be. There was even a little bit of wedding drama. That morning as I was getting half ready at home, I was trying to get the last few things together. Bill's mom gave me a handkerchief that had been passed down for generations to pin underneath my dress. The time I was supposed to be walking out of the door, I was busy searching the entire house for this handkerchief. After frantic & hysterical hunting, I found it in the hamper in the bathroom. We ran out of the house to get to the wedding on time. I think we were late, as well as the photographer (but I don't remember how late).

As we finished getting ready, there was trouble outside. The wind started to pick up big time. We had an arch with a rose garland that we were getting married under. The wind blew it over & it broke. The wedding coordinator had to get it nailed back together & during the ceremony, someone had to crouch down (so they wouldn't show up in the wedding pictures, but he did anyway) & hold it up.

The massage therapist that I worked with married us. She did a wonderful job (& to this day I still regret not tracking her down to get a copy of the vows). After the ceremony we all went inside for a nice lunch & wedding cake. We had chicken picata on rice pilaf (& we laugh every time we see this on a restaurant menu). After lunch, Bills' sister had arranged for a limo to pick us up & take us to Mandalay Bay where we were going to stay the night. The limo never showed up. Bill & I ended up driving our little Kia to the hotel. I thought it was pretty funny, but Bills' sister was upset.

We stayed in a really nice suite at the hotel. We had a huge jacuzzi tub & decided to take a bubble bath. I think we used half of the bottle of bubble bath & then we turned on the jets. Bubbles went everywhere. Over the side of the tub, all over the floor, building up so high that we couldn't even see each other. It was such a mess. I don't think I've laughed so hard in all of my life. We only had time to stay the night because I had to go back to work the next day. Since we had such a short amount of time to get the wedding together, I couldn't give the Doctor enough notice to get more time off. The day after the wedding I had to train our first associate Doctor. I don't think we could afford to go on a honeymoon anyway, seeing as though we put the entire wedding on our credit card.

For our first year anniversary, Bill surprised me by renewing our vows. He got all of our friends together & in jeans & t-shirts, we got remarried at the Little Church of the West. Bill finally got his "Vegas" wedding. Afterward, we had a big party in our suite across the street at Mandalay Bay. The same place we had our "Honeymoon". Now that was a party!

We were definitely meant to be together. The term "soul mate" is very true to us. If we didn't meet at Fresh Blend, we had so many other opportunities to run into each other. The concert the two of us were at a month before we met at work & we applied to all of the same jobs before working at Fresh Blend.

Over these last 7 years, we've gone through good times & bad. We hung in there when 9/11 scrambled our lives into financial chaos & gave us a lesson on what life is really like. We stayed intact when we drove across the west to live in Oregon so I could go to school. We were strong when we moved to Colorado so Bill could take his promotion & my chiropractic dream died. We stuck together even during the times when one of us wanted to quit.

We are thankful that we have endured life together. Especially on our fun mountain biking trips & hiking excursions, video game competitions against each other (I always kick his butt), celebrating our birthday weekend every year, working together to buy & now sell our first home & of course, the birth of our first baby.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Logans' 4 month check up.
I felt so much better about going to his check up this morning, compared to his last visit when I was in tears over him getting vaccinated. I told Bill that based on Logans' reaction, I didn't feel comfortable with going though that again. There was a bit of discussion with Bill saying that he felt like we were doing Logan a disservice by not vaccinating. If he had spent the time researching the topic & providing me with some material to go over, I probably would've taken him a bit more seriously. Seeing as though I've been the one researching everything, I felt like I had more of an opinion about the matter & I was sticking to my guns. "I'm his mom & I feel like I really know what's best for him. I may not know when to stop swaddling him or whatever, but this is something I feel very strong about" I said back.

We got to the office & had to wait for a while. We're ususally late to these appointments, but we were early this time. Logan did well, but got a little fussy. All I had to do was get him out of his car seat so he could watch the other kids around him. He's definitely a people watcher.

We were called back by the nurse & she got his vitals measured. He weighed 13.72 lbs (19%) & measured 25.5 inches (70%). His head was 15.34 (5%). He's not as big as I thought he was, but he sure is as tall as I thought.

While we waited for the Doctor to come in I had Logan on my lap. He was talking up a storm! It was so funny. He would talk to Bill from across the room. We sat there laughing as the Doctor walked in.

She checked him out & took a look at his rash. It's eczema. Lovely. Bills family has a lot of history with this. Logan developed a little patch on his forehead (but was told by the last Doctor that it was baby acne. I never believed her). Now, it's all over his body. I had been giving him a bath every other day because of it, but the Doctor said it would be ok to give him a bath everyday. We just need to use a thick moisturizer.

She also talked to us about his sleeping habits. She said that he's old enough & gaining enough weight to try & skip a feeding at night. After we get that down, then try to wean him from the binky. He should be a good sleeper after this. It sounded like a good idea to me!

When she was looking him over, she talked about how strong he was & that he was going to be an early crawler. So we have to start child proofing the house now! She mentioned that she could tell he was really smart, just by looking at him. The whole time we're talking Logan is trying to join in on the conversation. We all had a few good chuckles.

Then came the topic of vaccinations. When we brought Logan in for his 2 week check up, we saw Dr. "B". I talked to her for a bit about this, mentioning how I wanted to avoid the combos. She told me that wasn't an option. Dr. "B" moved & for Logans' 2 month check up we saw a different Dr. "B". We talked at length about his vaccinations & she convinced me that we should go through with it. That's when Logan slept for an entire week, shrieking in his sleep. So now we're seeing Dr. "F", who saw him when we went in for his food sensitivities. I told her about Logans' reaction & that I wasn't comfortable with going thought all of that again. She then talked about giving him single dose vaccinations...what I wanted to do from the beginning! She said that it was probably the Pertussis that caused this reaction & recommended just the DT (Diphtheria, Tetanus) shot. I didn't know what to think, seeing as though I was mentally prepared to not go through with it. But, I had an open mind & was convinced last time. I told Dr. "F", that I was willing to do one shot & if he had another reaction, then I would make different decisions. This seemed like a good compromise between Bill & myself. It made me sad to move because I realized how much I like Dr. "F". She was willing to customize his treatment & took me seriously, while looking out for Logan at the same time. Finding a good Doctor is hard. Now that we've found one, I don't want to leave her.

The nurse came in & gave Logan one shot. He cried for literally 2 seconds. Then he was ok. He hasn't been sleepy at all, with smiles & his usual grumpy monkey (as I like to say now) attitude when he tries to fight taking a nap. So, it seems like he'll be fine & I feel so relieved.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I think I'm starting to understand certain things about being a stay at home mom.
As much as I think I would be ok with living on my own island in the middle of nowhere, it's not true. I think I'm starting to understand the isolation of a stay at home mom. I never thought it would bother me lest even have any kind of effect on me. But it is.

When I was working in the gym, I would be talking from 6 am to 9 pm everyday. I would not only talk about workouts, tips & goals, but being a trainer is kind of like being someones' therapist. I would listen to & hear about things going on in my clients' lives outside of the gym. We would talk about weekend getaways & the stresses of work on people. There was a husband that tried to sabotage a wifes' nutrition plan by baking multiple cakes (leaving the frosting for her to do). There was also a couple that was in the beginning of divorce because the wife was shallow & wanted her husband to loose weight (he would be in tears in almost every session because of her. He achieved awesome results & saved the marriage. I ended up training her as well). Everyday was like a live soap opera.

Now my life consists of singing the alphabet, talking about changing "poops" & trying not to pull out my hair while screaming at 4 am when Logan won't stay asleep. When Bill comes home, he'll tell me about his day, but the conversation usually ends there. He's not much of a talker. I didn't think I was either, until now (however, last night we had hours of conversation about music & reminiscing about life in Vegas & Portland. It was really nice). I'm now finding myself keeping my sisters hostage on the phone again & verbally vomiting about everything that's going on.

Then there's the affects of isolation on Logan. People often justify going back to work & putting their baby in daycare by saying that it gives their kid an opportunity to socialize. I didn't really think about this until we were at the pool yesterday.

It was Logans' second time in the pool last night. He had a blast. He loosened up & splashed all over the place. He was fascinated by the other boys playing in the pool too. Logan was the youngest one in there, the other boys ranging in ages between 2 & 8. As he smacked his arms on the water, splashing everywhere, I watched his expressions. I looked into his eyes as he watched the other kids play. He would smile when they threw pool toys back & forth. I felt like he wanted to play with them. Now, I know he's only 4 months old, but at that moment I felt like he was a 6 year old boy standing on the side, feeling left out. It broke my heart.

I told Bill about this & of course he thought I was crazy. "What is he going to do when he plays with other kids? Aren't they just going to lie there & look at each other?" I know that if he were to play with other kids, it would be more than that. I told him that I didn't want to raise Logan to be a sheltered mamas boy. We talked about how moving is going to be a good change, giving Logan the opportunity to play with his cousin & other kids that we know. I'm looking forward to the adult conversation with other moms, even if it still is all about changing diapers & midnight madness.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

He did it!
He laughed out loud! Of course he's being stubborn (just like his mom) & he's not laughing anymore. He was sitting in his Boppy chair while I was singing him songs. I sang the alphabet & he smiled really big, the big wide open mouth kind of smile. Then I sang "Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes" 4 or 5 times. I pointed to my body in round one. I pointed to his in round two. I had him point to his body in round three. That's when he laughed. For more than a second. Maybe two, but it was cute. I thought I was going to be in tears when he finally laughed, but it happened so quick, it's almost like I don't belive it happened. Now it's going to be like the elusive hunt for Sasquatch trying to get his next laugh on film.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Logan feels grass for the first time.
Yesterday afternoon we took a family walk as we waited for the pot roast for dinner to finish cooking. We were just planning on walking the neighborhood, so I didn't bring the camera. We walked by one of the parks that is close to home & decided to sit on the grass & hang out for a bit. The weather was warm (unlike the hail storm from the day before) & there was a mild wind that Logan loved.

I sat Logan on my lap & let his bare feet brush up against the grass. He looked at it & looked at his feet & kicked a little. Then Bill stood him up for a while. Logan didn't want to sit down & stood for as long as his little strong legs could hold him up (which was quite a while). Finally he sat down.

He had this look of extreme concentration. It was pretty funny. He rubbed his hands against the blades of grass & drooled away (I call it his "learning drool"). Pretty soon he was grabbing it by the handful & having fun, sticking his tongue out in the wind. He was so cute, I really should bring the camera everywhere we go.