The first non-deleted post & a very long one at that.
Non-deleted posts are pretty much a long vent. Especially this one. They are honest & sometimes sound horrible, but it's how I feel about a certain situation. This is an issue that I've talked to Bill about, but I don't have his support. He doesn't understand (as much as he says he does, anyway) & I understand that these are issues he doesn't want to really hear about. He has a good relationship with his family & nobody wants to hear about issues "outsiders" may have, especially when it comes to mom.

Even though we had a good time on vacation, there were certain aspects that were challenging for me. Mainly, Bill's mom. My relationship with her has been difficult for so many reasons. First, my relationship (or lack there of) with my own mom doesn't help any. I've never really had a mom (or a good one anyway), so it's hard to just automatically turn into a loving daughter. Then there are bits of history that I can't get over. This is definitely one of my faults. I hold grudges. I don't get over things very well. Since Logan has been born, it's something that I'm trying to work on.

After 9/11 when our life was turned upside down, I decided that it was a prime opportunity to go to grad school so I could pursue my career as a Chiropractor. Bill had been in a dead end job & hated it. I was tired of running the office I was working in & getting absolutely no credit. Our time in Vegas was up. Living there was no longer fun. This transition put a major strain on our marriage. Bill isn't a risk taker & needs to have everything planned & plotted out to feel comfortable. Me, I just wanted a clean slate. A fresh start. Something different & move us forward. I didn't care if I had to live in a car to get there.

Moving across the country became a big deal because this would separate Bill from his parents for the first time. As much as he says this wasn't a bone of contention, it truly was. His parents were far too involved in our personal business. They knew more about our financial situation that I did. When push came to shove & I told Bill that I was moving with or without him, he called his parents over. There was a lovely night. After telling them (or crying hysterically) that I couldn't live in Vegas any longer & I needed to go to school, Bill's mom flat out said, "You're not smart enough to be a Doctor". I will never forget that.

We were never close after that episode, even if there were apologies. We didn't talk on the phone unless it was when Bill was on the phone too. When I found out that I was pregnant, she called me constantly. I felt it was fake but talked to her anyway, attempting to move forward. She teaches child development in school & offered advice. When I was really sick with "morning sickness", she told me to do everything under the sun. Eat crackers, eat something before getting up in the morning, try ginger ale, wear a sea band. The list went on forever. When I was diagnosed with HG, she still continued to recommend home remedies, even though I was on medication that they perscribe cancer patients after chemo.

Shortly after we moved into out house, she came out to help us unpack. I couldn't even get up from the couch without feeling faint or feeling like I needed to rush to the bathroom, let alone unpack a whole house. One evening she was sitting out in the garage meeting neighbors & such. "You know, all you need is some fresh air. You should come sit with me outside". I went to be polite & to humor her. She let the dogs out & of course they took advantage of the situation. They go running off, pooping in neighbors yards...while the neighbors were standing there watching. Who had to go running after them & pick up the poop? Me. Yeah, after I picked up the poop & lugged a 30 lb Pug & Beagle back into the house, I threw up. I guess all I needed was some fresh air. Later that night I told Bill that it really bothered me that his mom downplays how sick I was. He just shrugged his shoulders.

The advice on everything continued. I listened & didn't say anything because I knew this was a part of motherhood. Everyone wants to tell you something & how to do it. However, another fault of mine is thinking that I know it all. And if I don't know it, I'll go figure it out for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I never have & I never will. This will probably never change either. I know it bothered her that I wasn't on the phone everyday to ask her about something pregnancy or baby related.

Everything snowballed after Logan was born. Before I went into the hospital, Bill's mom booked a flight out for 2 weeks after the due date. I was very comfortable with that. It gave me enough time to heal & get the hang of being a mom. The day Logan was born, Bill told me she was coming out the day after we got home from the hospital. I was a little irked, but I knew she was excited. The visit was a baby hostage crisis combined with breast feeding jealousy. The next morning when Logan woke up crying to eat, I got him out of his bassinet (that was in our room). The next thing I know, she comes rushing into our room to "take care" of the situation. That really pissed me off.

The next visit wasn't any better. Originally I thought I was just being hormonal. But then I realized she was trying to take over. I talked to Bill about it & he talked to her before the next upcoming visit. This visit was better. However, it seemed like the understanding was forgotten while we were on vacation.

We had been in town no longer than an hour when the breast feeding comments started again. In the past she was always asking me when Logan was going to start formula feeding. I repeatedly said never, unless for some reason I can't continue breast feeding. Now she's always asking about when he's going to start solids, even though I repeatedly tell her that because of his food sensitivities, his pediatrician & I decided that starting him after 6 months would be a good idea. "What's mommy going to do when you get teeth? We'll see what happens to breast feeding then", she says as we're sitting in the kitchen. I clenched my jaw shut. I sat there & thought to myself, Why on God's green earth are you wishing that he would bite me? I know you couldn't breast feed. I know it's not easy for everyone. But give it up! I'm tired of the freaking comments! Those comments continued all week long when someone from the family would ask about bottle feeding.

Then there was the grandma take over. Bill's mom has been a mom for 32 years. She knows how to be a wonderful mother. She's never been a grandma before. She does not know how to be a grandma. I wanted to crawl out of my skin every time Logan got fussy & she would rush over. "Come to grandma", clapping her hands frantically. "I'll make it better". Hello! This is my child, not yours. Do NOT act like I can't take care of him & you can do a better job. The same thing would happen when he would wake up from a nap in his crib. When she was in the bathroom curling her hair, Logan woke up. I came upstairs to take care of him & she was already at the crib. I just sighed I went back down. She came down with him & I decided I would take advantage of the opportunity. You want to constantly take care of him? Fine. I'm going to "take a break" & jump in the shower for about an hour & a half. She was not happy. All I heard about was how she had been trying to get her hair curled for the last two hours. Hey, I didn't ask her to get him. If she was busy, she didn't have to stop what she was doing & pretend to be his mom. Later that afternoon, she rocked Logan to sleep rather than but him in his crib. She did this after knowing how hard I'm trying to teach him how to soothe himself so we can all get to sleep better in our house. Rocking him to sleep is taking us a step back. I was livid. Of course, Bill just made excuses for her.

Then there were the car rides. We drove a whole lot on this trip. Logan was in the middle with me on one side & grandma on the other. She could not keep her hands out of the car seat & away from his face, with her finger jammed in his binky. If he fussed, I was right there. There was absolutely no reason for her to be "the mom". As we were driving to the reunion, she had her finger in his face. He was turning his head from side to side because he didn't want to take his binky. "He can hold it in there by himself. You don't need to keep it in the whole time. Otherwise, it's going to be a long ride for you", I finally said. I demonstrated how he can take the binky from me & put it in his own mouth. I also propped the burp cloth under his chin so if the binky did pop out, he could still reach it with his lips. The rides were pretty silent after that.

At the reunion he was passed around all day long. I was prepared for this to happen, so I wasn't totally freaked out. There were times that it was too much for Logan though. When everyone was eating, he fell asleep on my lap. She came over & wanted to take him. "He's fine, I'm fine holding him. I've already had something to eat, thank you though", I told her. She walked away a little put off. As we were saying our good bye's, Bill's aunt (his moms sister) hugged me & said, "She's (Bill's mom) is one proud grandma. She's having a hard time". Woah. This made my eyebrows raise. "Oh yeah?", I said & left it at that. What I really wanted to say was, Oh yeah? Well, there are a lot of layers in this onion. We're all having a hard time.

One afternoon Bill & I left Logan with grandma & we went out to grab something to eat. She said they were going for a walk & left a few minutes before us. As we were driving out of the driveway, I noticed that she was on her way to the park with him. "What the hell! She's taking him to the park. He's never been on a swing before! She's taking away one of our firsts!" I gasped. Bill didn't say anything & I was mad as hell. She's had two kids. She had a chance to raise them & do things with them. Logan is my first baby & what she's doing isn't right. Fortunately, Logan didn't fit in the infant swing & she didn't want to hold him on her lap. But the fact that she was going to do this was unbelievable.

I never said anything during the vacation. I didn't want to make it extreamely uncomfortable for everyone. My jaw is sore from clenching my teeth, that's for sure. I made sure to give her one-on-one grandma time with Logan. She baby sat almost every night while Bill & I went out. She spent time with him in the morning while I got a chance to sleep in. She played with him while I was in the shower & getting ready for the day. It was never like I kept them away from each other or tried to but in on bonding time. It bothers me to the ends of the earth that she doesn't understand (even after conversations about it) what her role is. It's to the point where I can't wait for Logans' cousin to be born. Maybe then grandma can try to take over at their house instead of ours.