I think I'm starting to understand certain things about being a stay at home mom.
As much as I think I would be ok with living on my own island in the middle of nowhere, it's not true. I think I'm starting to understand the isolation of a stay at home mom. I never thought it would bother me lest even have any kind of effect on me. But it is.

When I was working in the gym, I would be talking from 6 am to 9 pm everyday. I would not only talk about workouts, tips & goals, but being a trainer is kind of like being someones' therapist. I would listen to & hear about things going on in my clients' lives outside of the gym. We would talk about weekend getaways & the stresses of work on people. There was a husband that tried to sabotage a wifes' nutrition plan by baking multiple cakes (leaving the frosting for her to do). There was also a couple that was in the beginning of divorce because the wife was shallow & wanted her husband to loose weight (he would be in tears in almost every session because of her. He achieved awesome results & saved the marriage. I ended up training her as well). Everyday was like a live soap opera.

Now my life consists of singing the alphabet, talking about changing "poops" & trying not to pull out my hair while screaming at 4 am when Logan won't stay asleep. When Bill comes home, he'll tell me about his day, but the conversation usually ends there. He's not much of a talker. I didn't think I was either, until now (however, last night we had hours of conversation about music & reminiscing about life in Vegas & Portland. It was really nice). I'm now finding myself keeping my sisters hostage on the phone again & verbally vomiting about everything that's going on.

Then there's the affects of isolation on Logan. People often justify going back to work & putting their baby in daycare by saying that it gives their kid an opportunity to socialize. I didn't really think about this until we were at the pool yesterday.

It was Logans' second time in the pool last night. He had a blast. He loosened up & splashed all over the place. He was fascinated by the other boys playing in the pool too. Logan was the youngest one in there, the other boys ranging in ages between 2 & 8. As he smacked his arms on the water, splashing everywhere, I watched his expressions. I looked into his eyes as he watched the other kids play. He would smile when they threw pool toys back & forth. I felt like he wanted to play with them. Now, I know he's only 4 months old, but at that moment I felt like he was a 6 year old boy standing on the side, feeling left out. It broke my heart.

I told Bill about this & of course he thought I was crazy. "What is he going to do when he plays with other kids? Aren't they just going to lie there & look at each other?" I know that if he were to play with other kids, it would be more than that. I told him that I didn't want to raise Logan to be a sheltered mamas boy. We talked about how moving is going to be a good change, giving Logan the opportunity to play with his cousin & other kids that we know. I'm looking forward to the adult conversation with other moms, even if it still is all about changing diapers & midnight madness.