Logan's First Day at the Zoo

We didn't have any hikes planned for this weekend because we are going to go on Thursday with a friend, so I asked Bill if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend. "Clean out the garage, organize the basement, mow the lawn", were all of his answers. "Or we could go to the zoo".

Bill & I love the zoo. We would go a few times a year, even though we didn't have any kids to entertain. This was one thing we were pretty excited about as parents, to get a chance to experience it as "kids" again.

I thought it was a great idea since Logan has been more aware of his surroundings & he's been paying more attention to the animals at home. He'll watch Buddha walk across the room & his eyes follow him the whole way. He also has great neck strength, so this was the first time he could be facing out in the Baby Bjorn. He really liked that, even though it was mostly to lick & eat the carrier.

We lathered him in sunscreen, even though I know his skin is still really thin & sunscreen won't help that much. I was a little over protective regarding sunburns because we watched a show the night before where a couple of new parents took their 6 week old baby camping at the beach & the baby got 2nd degree burns on his face. I cried when I watched this as his mother was trying to breast feed him to comfort his burnt face. So, we had Logan's hat, sunscreen with SPF 50 & many breaks in the shade. I was shocked to see how many small children were out & about without proper protection, but then again, I was in over-do-it mode.

We had a great time showing Logan all of the animals & occasionally he would look at them. There were a lot of people there & he was just taking it all in. Bill & I looked for all of the north american animals so we could take pictures to hang in Logan's boy scout/mountain room. Bill got some great shots of the grizzly bears, mountain goats & canadian geese.

Logan was on his beast behavior. We had to take a break to feed him, so we sat on a bench by the monkeys & I threw a blanket over my shoulder. He had a diaper blow out shortly there after & strangely, the only restroom with a changing table near by was in the mens room. Lucky Dad.
We had a great time hanging out & experiencing the zoo for the first time with Logan. I have a feeling that we'll be there all of the time. Logan zonked out the minute we got home & has been eating & sleeping ever since. I think we wore him out, but I know he still had fun.

Lazy Saturday afternoon nap

Maybe someday I'll be able to catch up on some sleep...but not until the little man is finished with his growth spurt. He was up every 2 hours to eat last night & lucky him, gets to sleep all day. He is his fathers son, no doubt about it.

It's not really "mom hair".
Since Logan has been able to grab, I've decided it was time to get my hair cut. My hair hasn't been this long since 7th grade when I could tilt my head back & actually sit on my hair. This time I've let it grow to the middle of my back just underneath my shoulder blades.

Bill has a trade-out worked out with the salon next to the gym, so everyone there gets their hair done for free. This was the perfect situation for me! I was a little worried about Logan making a fuss while I would be stuck in the chair, but Bill reassured me that when he talked to the stylist, she said that tons of women bring their babies in with them. It wouldn't be a problem at all.

Since I was going to get a pretty drastic cut & go short, I thought that I might have enough hair to donate to Locks of Love. When Bill called the stylist to make the appointment for me, he mentioned this to her. I got there this morning & we measured my hair to see if I met the 10 inch length minimum. Fortunately I did & even had some to spare. I was a little relieved that I wouldn't have to really get a "mom" cut, but I was prepared to do it if I had to. She pulled my hair back into a pony tail & cut close to 11 inches off.

She did a great job. I totally love my hair! It's short enough to not get in the way & give Logan something else to grab on to, but it's not too short where I look like a P.E. teacher. No, this style looks pretty cute, if I say so myself.

It's so funny how changes in hair styles mimic changes in life. When someone breaks up or divorces a significant other, they get their hair done. When you become a mother, you get your hair cut. It feels nice to have a little style again. This is a good change that makes me feel like I'm back in the land of the living (or at least the land of the well groomed).

The roller coaster ride that is our life.
Just when I think we're making it to the top, the track switches & we go speeding upside down into a loop. I hate loops. I hate roller coasters. Sometimes I hate being an adult.

At the beginning of the week when I was worried about finances, it turns out that I had every right to be. At the time I didn't know it, but a few days later when Bill got paid, I freaked out. I sent Bill a million text messages asking him what we were going to do. Because the weather has been nice, Bill has been burnt out & his employees are as dumb as a box of rocks, they didn't profit that much. No bonus for us. When he called he said we spend most of our money on food, to which I replied that I would stop eating so I could still stay at home. So we are going to re-work the budget this weekend. In the past this wouldn't have been that big of a deal. We would've just put our nose to the grind & worked more hours, sacrificing the time to spend together until we were back in the black. These things happen & we've been through it before. It's totally different now. Bill can only work so many hours without being worked to death & with me at home, there's Logan to worry about too. Financial dips are much more serious now.

So after that, I started to write the book. It's not going to be a fast fix, that's for sure, but at least it's getting started. If it comes down to me training again, I'm going to do a mom/baby boot camp for the neighborhood. Seeing as though we live in suburban mom central, this should work out pretty well. I won't have to worry about what to do with Logan either, so that will be nice. I'm still brainstorming hoping to come up with some other work at home ideas.

I'm glad I was thinking because then we got more news last night. Bill called yesterday afternoon. "I have some bad news. I'm getting demoted. The club hasn't hit goal, so they're sending me to another club & not as the manager". He was going to meet with the regional manager to talk about it. After I got off the phone, I put Logan in his bouncer & got into the shower & cried. All I could think about was our 401K, our health insurance, our mortgage & putting Logan into daycare. I cried for a long time.

Later that night Bill got home, in a surprisingly good mood. He had a 2 hour meeting with the regional manager. He said that if this were happening to anybody else, they would be fired. But with Bill he sees long term management. He talked about wanting Bill to be a regional manager in the next few years. The demotion is more of a break. Work in another club closer to home, with a manager who has been through the same situation, don't worry about hitting goals & managing employees. Just "gross" (as the company likes to put it). He should get another club again in about 3 months. He said upper management would work with him & take care of him.

Bill also told me that they talked about my situation & what happened to me. He said the regional manager apologized up & down & thought the situation was BS (what, being fired because I was pregnant? No....well, at least somebody still has a soul there). He said that he tried to do everything he could (that's what everybody else said too) & he was upset because he thought that Bill & I were a great example of a family team for the company. I'm glad someone is still thinking about me over there, because I'm still very bitter about what happened.

After our long conversation with Bill feeling really good about the whole situation, I'm trying my best to think positively. We both buy into the philosophy that "things happen for a reason". Life has dealt us some pretty big blows in the past & we always seem to come out on top, in a much better situation & with a whole lot more character.

Our poor family & food sensitivities & allergies.
Well, I got a call back from Logan's pediatrician with the results of his blood tests & poop samples. He is NOT sensitive to dairy or soy. I find this hard to believe. After his last appointment, I started to decrease the amount of soy in my diet & also still kept dairy out. His diapers looked better. No blood & less mucous. Sometimes I have a hard time with modern western medicine. I went through this exact same thing right before my 21st birthday.

A few days before my birthday, I broke out into a horrendous rash of blister kind of hives. I went to my Doctor & they couldn't figure it out. They told me it was folliculitis. That's the diagnosis they give you when there's nothing else to say. Then they told me that it was probably flea bites. First, we were living in Vegas. There are no fleas in Vegas, it's too hot. Second, I know what fleas are like & my dogs didn't have them. So after suffering, itching, crying & feeling stressed about my body looking like it belonged in a dermatology diagnosis book, I went to a friends colon hydrotherapy office. I had a series of colonics, which did help, but she also did some allergy testing for me. I still have the list of everything that she found:

1. Chocolate
2. Yeast
3. White Wine
4. Peanut Oil
5. Corn Oil
6. Canola Oil
7. Crisco
8. Olive Oil
9. All Dairy
10. Crab
11. Strawberry
12. Banana
13. Popcorn
14. Corn
15. Chestnut
16. Coconut
17. Peanut
18. Black Pepper
19. Sweet & Low
20. Yellow Squash
21. Pumpkin
22. Black & Green Olive
23. White Potato
24. Radish
25. Sweet Potato
26. Red Potato
27. Yam
28. Carrot
29. Asparagus

So yeah, folliculitis, huh? Right. It's more like I was sensitive to EVERYTHING I was eating. I made a drastic change to my diet & everything cleared up within days. DAYS! After I had been dealing with this crap for about a month! I wish I knew someone in Colorado who did this kind of testing, because your metabolism changes about every 7 years. That's when you can expect sensitivities to show up again & usually, they are from different foods.

Logan is kind of screwed when it comes to food sensitivities because not only do I have them, but Bill does as well. He can't eat garlic, peanut butter or marinara sauces (& dairy, but he's in total denial about that...he's a milk addict).

Logan's Doctor said that because he's still a happy baby, eating well & not acting sick, they're not too concerned. If things change & if there's an increase in the amount of blood, then they will do more testing. It was recommended that Logan is not to eat peanut butter, honey & other high allergen foods until he's two years or older. She also said that babies are most sensitive between the ages of 2 to 6 months. This is something that he could grow out of. With our family history, I doubt it.

My poor baby is destined to live a bland, boring culinary life. I pray that he's just sensitive to things & doesn't develop true allergies that put him into anaphylactic shock. That's when things get scary. I'm going to be a major worry wart when we start introducing solids.

12 weeks = 3 months!

Logan has reached a birthday milestone. 3 months, wow. I can tell he's getting ready for another growth spurt. His bedtime routine has been great, until last night. I've been getting him ready by nursing him around 8-8:30, then read him a story in the rocking chair. I turn off the light & sing him a few lullabies while rocking him until he is almost asleep. I swaddle him & he stays there until 2 or 3, sometimes 4 am. Technically, that's sleeping through the night. Last night he was back to every 2-3 hours. So, hungry baby means a bigger baby.

He's getting stronger by the day. He's sometimes still crunching out of his swaddle & his tummy time is getting better. He can do mini-push ups & he keeps his head up for a little while. He likes to look at Buddha while he's down there. He can hold on to some of his rattles for a bit & the floor gym that Grandma bought him has been a lot of fun. He used to only kick at it, but now he swats at it & holds on too. It can keep him busy for a solid 1o minutes. While I'm folding laundry, he loves to sit up in the bed & watch. I can't believe he likes to sit up! Pretty soon he'll try to do it without pillows to support him!

His communication skills are definitely improving. He will pay attention while I read to him, looking at the pictures in the book. He makes faces at himself & smiles in the mirror. He loves to watch my face when I sing to him & he tries to copy all of my facial expressions. Because we sing songs with a fast beat, he can get a little confused. He still has fun though. He tries to sing along by making this cute "aaaahhh" noise. When I'm on the floor doing crunches, I put him on my stomach & every time I crunch up I say, "crunch" & hold it. He looks at me , then makes his "aaaahhh" noise like he's counting my crunches. It's so cute! Now that he's 3 months old, we're going to start baby signs. He won't really start getting it until he's 6-7 months old, but consistency is key with communication.

Logan is becoming more aware of his surroundings. He looks at the fireplace when it's on & while we were at the mall last week, we stopped into the pet shop. We looked at the puppies & while I was pointing them out, he would look at them with this really intense stare. He still tries to watch T.V. & loves to watch me type emails at the computer. When we go for walks around the neighborhood, he no longer falls asleep the minute we walk out of the door. He looks around & the last few times, it's been windy. He sticks his tongue out & makes grunting noises during a breeze.

He has started to explore his world with his hands. Actually, his hands are constantly in his mouth. Sometimes if I'm not careful to watch him, he'll try to shove his entire fist in his mouth. There have been a couple of times where he made himself gag. He will eat his burp cloth, blanket & anything else he can get his hands on. This morning he was trying to eat his stuffed frog. Yum!

It's so much fun to teach him about all of the things he does & sees during the day. I love to look into his eyes & watch him start to understand. It's amazing. He's amazing. I love him so much.

There has been talk about having another baby.
Nothing serious. Not like we're actively planning or anything. No, "Let's start trying on this date", or, "Let's start when Logan is this age". Nope. More along the lines of, "What do you think about having another?"

It's something that I've been thinking about. As crazy as it sounds, I miss being pregnant. I don't miss practically starving to death in the first trimester, or being so tired & all of the other discomforts of pregnancy. I miss knowing that everything that I was doing was helping a little person to grow into a very healthy baby. I miss feeling that little person kick & move around inside. Pregnancy is an amazing experience & I miss creating life.

And then there's the birth. There are really no words to express what a mom feels, physically & emotionally, during the birth of her baby. The anticipation is intense. I miss that too. After all of the pain, hard work & 9 months of sacrifice, you finally meet your new little baby. Logan's birth was one of the most surreal experiences in my life. It seems like it happened so fast. Because labor & delivery was really easy (thanks to the epidural) & recovery wasn't that bad at all, I guess it makes me think about doing it again without hesitation. I'm sure if it had been difficult, I would think differently. Maybe.

Everyone says that each pregnancy & birth experience is very different from the others. I'm afraid of a subsequent pregnancy being worse. Because the birth & Logan were so perfect, I'm afraid another one won't go as well. I feel really fortunate with the way things went & doing again might be pressing my luck.

There are a lot of issues that get bounced around in our discussions. Bill seems to be content with a one child family. I'm sure he's really only thinking about the financial aspect. I think about the "lonely only" factor. Being the eldest of 4 girls in my family, I don't know what an only child feels. Bill is the youngest of two. He says his sister never played with him & there weren't kids his age in the neighborhood, so he kind of feels like an only. I think that siblings are a great support for each other, if they play together when they're little or not. For some reason, I feel like only having one isn't making our family complete. I don't know if this is the "universe" telling me that we're not finished & there is more to come, or if I feel this way because of societal beliefs. You know, the white picket fence, two kids (boy & girl) & the family dog.

Then I think about the challenges of more children. Right now, I couldn't imagine running after a toddler & taking care of a newborn. One child is difficult, two seems like I'm asking for trouble & three is just plain crazy. Bill & I have talked about two being our family limit. I do like being able to focus all of my time & attention on one child. I feel like there is balance & then there is an incredible bond that happens as well. I don't want to "ruin" that with Logan. I'm terribly afraid of having to deal with sibling rivalry. That was a huge issue in my childhood. I've talked about that with my sisters though & we believe that it was so bad because of the way were raised & the stability of our home life.

I go back & forth on how I feel about it. Bill doesn't think about it unless I bring it up. By no means are we in any rush right now. We have plenty of time to think about it, but I still feel that biological clock ticking.

As a stay at home mom, I can't stop thinking about finances.
Since deciding that staying at home was the best for Logan, we've made a lot of sacrifices to make it happen. We have one car. We get concerned about the skyrocketing prices of gas. We don't go out & we rarely eat out. We choose to do outdoor activities, not only because they are fun & it gets us moving & active, but it's cheap. We don't travel & I'm hoping that Bill gets a bonus at the end of the month so Logan & I can go to Portland to visit my sisters. I don't remember the last time I actually bought clothes (real, not maternity) for myself & we just don't spend money unless it's for the mortgage & utilities.

Now, we haven't reached the point of living on the starving student/top ramen diet yet. But deep in the back of my head, it's a big fear. What if this won't work out? What if I have to go back to work? There is no humanly possible way that I could go back to what I was doing before. I would never see Logan again. He would be raised by child care providers & I would probably die from a broken, guilty heart.

So for the last few months I've been brainstorming on ways to increase our income & stay home if it comes down to that. Just to be prepared. I've thought about making some kind of organic baked good to sell at the farmers market. Logan & I could hang out on the weekend & I'm sure his cuteness would bring in a few bucks. I've thought about consulting with chiropractic offices to increase business & retain current patients. I've thought about training a few people again, but I'm not quite sure how that would workout with Logan. I've thought about making the "six pack abs" nutrition plan into a CD kind of thing, but I'm not that computer savvy. Then I thought about writing a Mommy & Baby workout book. Include the nutrition plan, a workout that moms can do with their babies (that can start when the baby is 6 weeks old rather than 4 months like other workouts) & then also include the baby workouts that Logan does. I have never seen a workout routine, let alone a book for infant workouts. So that might be a good idea.

I have all of these ideas in my head, keeping them filed away, just in case. It's kind of a scary thought, but it's life. It never goes as planned. I do this thinking that I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I have a plan B, C, or even plan X. I don't want to go work for someone else again, but I guess if all else fails, there's always Starbucks. At least I would get free coffee.

Sitting at home all day collecting poop.
Well, isn't this a great way to spend some family time together. Bill had yesterday & today off instead of this weekend. We were planning on getting out to do some hiking, but I don't think it's going to work out. We have to sit around & wait for Logan to poop. Early this morning I lined his diaper with the liners the lab provided for us. When Logan had his morning BM, it caused a major diaper blowout. I'm glad I had Bill here to help out, because collecting a stool sample of a breast fed baby is difficult. They aren't formed stools where you can just scoop out what you need. No, they are runny. Very runny. So Bill put on some rubber gloves & picked up the liner so I could scoop as much as I could into the sample bottle. Because it was a blowout, there was poop everywhere, but not where we needed it to make it easy. We couldn't collect enough, so now we have to wait. Bill left Logans room saying, "I think I'm going to throw up now". Who knew babies could be so much fun.

So, in non-poop related news...I got some really cute pictures of Kitty & Logan cuddling on Bill's lap. It seems we have a dog who thinks he is a babysitter & a cat who thinks she is a blanket. She has been so cute since Logan has been born. She was cuddly to begin with, but even more so now. Bill's mom thinks it's because she's jealous. Maybe, but she's not mean about it. When Logan is nursing, Kitty will climb up onto my lap, snuggle right up against him & just hang out. Sometimes she'll turn around & lick his hair. It's the cutest thing ever.

So here is Logan thinking the Kitty blanket is the coolest thing ever.



Then the two of them getting a good look at each other.

The 100 th post & the 11 th week...

...brings us our little athlete.

The baby workouts have backfired on me. Logan is strong, but he is strong. He's been kicking his way out of his swaddle recently. I didn't think too much of it, as many little babies do this. Then I walked in his room as he was wiggling out. It's more like exercising his way out. With his legs straight up in the air, he was lifting his hips off of the bed, with his upper body crunching up. He was doing full on reverse crunches, total body style. My kiddo was crunching his way out of the swaddle. I've created a monster.

Yesterday afternoon I had changed his diaper & noticed the blood & mucous again. I hadn't had any dairy for 4 days. I called his pediatrician & made an appointment for this afternoon. His Doctor said that he looked great & these allergies/sensitivities don't seem to be bothering him. She ordered some blood tests & I have to collect a stool sample to send in tomorrow. When the nurses started to get him ready to draw blood, one of them commented on how strong he was & asked another nurse to help hold him down. So here we were, Logan on my lap & 3 nurses holding him still. He did pretty good, crying as much as I would've if I were him. It should take 2 - 7 days to find out what allergies he has. That will be interesting.

So, I'm still going to keep the little athlete working out, even though I'll have to come up with a different swaddling technique. Who knows, maybe he'll be the next Lance Armstrong or Michael Jordan. Then again, I could be wrong & he could be the next Bill Gates.

So, the family weekend visit.
It was so emotionally draining. The anxiety of knowing that Bill had called his mom to tell her what I was feeling & then having to "talk" about it with everyone killed me. I'm still kind of upset at Bill for doing that, but what am I going to do now. What's done is done.

Bill's mom & his sister (who is 13 weeks pregnant) got in late on Thursday night at about 10 or so. His sister had an OB appointment earlier that day with an ultrasound. She has had 2 previous miscarriages & everyone is on pins & needles with this pregnancy. She was getting the ultrasound to measure for Downs Syndrome & blood tests for other genetical defects. During my pregnancy, we decided not to do these tests because it is what is it. I would never think about aborting just because things "weren't right". Bill's mom told us later that night that his sister's now common-law husband might be thinking differently. My jaw hit the floor. No freakin way. I know that his sister would never let that happen though. They were very tired & drained from the ultrasound because the technician told them that she has a subchorionic hematoma. This ultrasound was done at a different clinic, so she is waiting for them to compare the results to see if it's getting bigger. If it is, this pregnancy could be compromised as well. So, needless to say, we didn't talk that night.

Friday we drove to the outlet mall to get Bill's sister some maternity clothes & Logan some summer shorts. It was a great day to shop. We had lunch, bought cute clothes & didn't "talk". We dropped Bill's sister off back at our place after shopping because she was exhausted (I don't miss that part of pregnancy at all) & his mom & I went to get a few more things for Logan. Again, we didn't talk about it. Later that night when Bill got home, he & I went out for dinner leaving Logan with Grandma. It was strange not to have Logan with us, but I didn't freak out about it. I asked Bill if his mom had said anything about us "not talking". He said no. I then explained to him why I wasn't jumping at the chance. We had a good conversation & I got a few things off of my chest.

Sunday it rained so we stayed in all day. There was plenty of time to "talk", but we didn't. Well, we did, but not about how I felt about her visit. We talked about me sending a birth announcement & pictures of Logan to my dad, when we haven't talked in almost 7 years. I was pretty emotional about that. Then she asked if we (or I, really) remembered life before Logan. Again, I was emotional. She also asked about discipline. I was sitting at the computer with Logan on my lap...asleep & that was the Baby Center topic that was up on the screen. Yet again, I was emotional about it, telling her how we were disciplined at home (it wasn't good). So there was a lot of crying, but not about what we planned on "crying" about. She left that night, without us talking. So while Bill drover her to the airport, I emailed her a lengthy email telling her why I wasn't talking & explaining all of my feelings. It was a lot easier to do it this way. She emailed back, so now it's all cleared up.

Overall the visit was much better than the last few. She knew how I felt (because of Bill) & Logan wasn't a Grandma hostage. I was never told to "take a break" & my biggest fear of being told to pump so they could feed him, never happened. I could tell that she was really watching herself. She made sure that I was holding him often, never taking him away from me. Yet, she had plenty of one on one Grandma time. She said over & over what a happy baby Logan is & how much he loves his mom & what a great job I was doing. She also complimented me on how nice the house looked, which I really appreciated because it took so much effort. Silly, but it meant a lot to me. She's planning on coming back at the end of May for Memorial Day weekend. This time, there won't be any anxiety or crying (maybe, depends on what we talk about). I'm looking forward to a visit that won't be so draining.

The little man let me get some 10 th week pictures...at the end of the week.

Logan is one smart cookie. He's figured out that when he's on a blanket on the floor & I have the camera, it's picture time. He doesn't like it too much anymore (oh well, I'm still taking pictures!). When I have the camera up to take his picture, he starts to get upset & makes his Mr. Fussy Fuss face. The instant I put it down, he smiles. The little booger!

He also started watching T.V. When I nurse him, I'll go downstairs to the living room & turn on Oprah, or whatever. I was burping him & hanging out when I noticed that he was watching the T.V.! I covered his eyes saying, "You can't watch T.V.! You're too little!"

He now likes to sit up like a "big boy". When I'm at the computer, he would usually lay down on my lap. Now he wants to sit up, just like he would if he were to type. So now he likes to watch the computer screen as well.

We had a little scare on Friday afternoon. When I was changing his diaper, I noticed a little bit of blood & it was full of mucous. I called the pediatrician & they told me to cut out dairy. If it's still there after 4 days, call back. It was better the next day. So now I'm on a dairy-free diet, again. This is partly how I lost 30 lbs in 2 months way back when. Now it's about to happen all over again. I guess it's not such a bad thing, except for the "no chocolate". That sucks.

And finally, I've turned into the Mommy Bed 5000. Logan won't take naps in his crib, his swing (which was always a life saver, not so much now), or anywhere else but my lap or chest. I've become a sleeping slave. He's happy as long as he's on me. Oh, the sacrifices that moms make!

It's tag time.
I've been tagged by Stephanie, the most mommymatic of all mommymatics. I figured it would be a great way to start out the week, before I get the weekend family posts up. Plus, I have some time while we wait for the Sopranos to download!

1. I can't stand to have uneven socks. I can't have one sock on & one sock off. Bill thinks it's funny to tease me & twist my socks while I'm hangin out on the couch. It drives me nuts!
2. When I was little, I would make myself Miracle Whip & marshmallo sandwiches. Gross, I know, but I liked them!
3. My life was saved by a guardian angel, God, higher power or what have you. I was in the sixth grade & we were on a family trip. We were sleeping & I was in the back of our mini van without a seatbelt. Something told me to wake up & put it on. Seconds after I got buckled in, we got into a serious roll-over accident. The van was on it's side after rolling a few times & we had to kick out the windshield to get out. We all walked away with very minor cuts & bruises.
4. I don't eat pork because we had a pet pig for a little bit. My stepdad didn't tell us that it was meant for the forth of July dinner that was coming up. I even named him Wilbur, no joke. It's hard to stick to my guns on this because I love the taste of sausage & bacon.
5. I believed in Santa Clause all through elementary school. Our family tradition was to all pile in the car on Christmas eve & drive around christmas street to look at christmas lights. When we got back, Santa had come & left a note by the cookies. I always believed because our parent were in the car with us the whole time. I found out he wasn't real when we broke that tradition & my sisters & I hid under the sofa bed couch to see Santa, but saw our parents bringing in our bikes instead.
6. Bill & I got engaged after being together for 3 months. I was a senior in high school. I often pull out my year book & read the messages from my friends congratulating me on our engagement instead of wishing me good luck at college.

So, now I want to find out about some more fun stuff! I'm tagging my fellow mommies:

Corrine
Reesh
Avorie
Tracy
Keri
Beth

Your mission, should you choose to accept: Post 6 strange or interesting things about yourself & then choose six people to do the same. Tell them they are tagged in their comments box. You can report back to me when you've done it or not. Have fun!

Today is the day the family gets here.
I have a huge pit in my stomach. Bill & I had a conversation about 3 weeks ago about my feelings when his family is here. I told him that I don't want to be told to go take a nap or get out of the house to "get a break" & I don't want to feel like Logan has been taken hostage. These are difficult feelings for me because I know their intentions are good. I know that they are just really excited to see Logan because he is the first grand child in the family & they live so far a way. I feel horrible for feeling like this.

In our conversation, Bill said that I needed to call his mom & talk to her. At the time, it sounded like a good idea. "Be proactive instead of reactive", as Bill says. Then the weeks go by & I start thinking that this conversation is not going to be a good one. It's not nice to say, "I'm having a lot of anxiety about your visit". There's just no nice way of saying it & I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. So in my usual nature, I keep procrastinating. Last night while on the phone with Bill, I told him that I would need his help with Logan if he was still up so I could finish cleaning the house. "Just have my mom do it when she gets here. You know she would". "Yeah, but the last thing she's going to want to do is our house cleaning. She's going to want to hold Logan the whole time anyway. That's why she's coming". Then Bill reminded, or rather told me to make the call to her. After a heated discussion, Bill made a call to her later that night. He told me about it this morning & as I was eating breakfast & checking my email, I opened one from her about having a talk when she gets here tonight.

I know it's going to be a good conversation, even though it's a difficult topic. And I know that it's going to be better in the long run, because ultimately I won't keep feeling like a total shmuck. I just hate being in these situations. But hey, at least we'll be talking in a spotless house.

I wish we were rich so I could hire a house keeper.
Bill's mom & pregnant (& dealing with morning sickness) sister are going to be here tomorrow night. My plan was to get the house spotless before they get here. I'm not quite sure how that's going to work out. I got most of the laundry done on Monday. Yesterday was a joke because Mr. Fussy Fuss was here ALL DAY. He didn't stop crying until 6:30 or 7:00 pm, at which point I had a glass of wine to take a break & gather my bearings & gear up for his midnight madness that I knew would be absolute HELL if it was going to be anything like the day had gone. Fortunately he went to bed easily & woke up only a few times during the night. At 4:00 this morning he was all smiles when I had to change his diaper 3 times in 15 minutes. He thought it would be funny to make a mess in every single one the instant I got it on him. For some reason (maybe sleep deprivation), I thought it was pretty funny too.

So now I have a day & a half to clean the entire house. We don't live in a small house & we also seem to use every single square inch of it. Pre-baby, this would have been a piece of cake. With a newborn, cleaning just the bathrooms deserves an olympic medal. Since the weather has been nice, I open all of the windows to let the breeze through. I was horrified when the draft blew around all of the hair balls from the dog & cat that were under the couch & various other hiding places. There was enough hair to make another pet & give it a name. Cleaning obviously has not been a priority since Logan has been born. When I have time, I have the choice to:

• Eat & drink something
• Shower & brush my teeth
• Sleep (this only happen if I'm about to fall over & pass out from exhaustion)
• Clean the house
  

So, cleaning is under sleep & sleep is a rare occurrence over here. Cleaning seems to happen when I either can't stand looking at the mess any longer or when I'm forced to because we're having company over. I've been trying to get something done everyday, but I get as far as dishes & laundry. The stuff we absolutely need so we're not wearing dirty clothes & eating out of pots & pans. I thought the Baby Bjorn would help, but it's not easy to move around & clean with him strapped to my chest (yeah, after I hiked 10 miles with him. Hmmm, not a very good excuse I see). Well, I guess I better get crackin' before he wakes up again.

I'm a suburban stay at home mom.
This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. We had a few errands to run today, with an adjustment after dropping Bill off at work, followed by a trip to the mall. I usually don't shop at the mall, but I am a sucker for designer skin care products, even though the research shows that they're no different than the stuff you can get at the local grocery store. I feel like there is a difference, plus it's the only thing I splurge on myself. Bill absolutely hates this & reminds me about how much he hates it every time I run out of something.

After our last experience at the mall with Logan not wanting to be in the stroller, I stuck him in the Baby Bjorn. It was pretty early & the mall hadn't been open for that long. I know mall walking is a hobby/sport for the elderly. I did not know that it was a past time for stay at home moms. Everyone there was either over the age of 65 or had at least one baby, if not more loaded up in strollers. My adventures as a stay at home mom have been pretty boring considering that we don't leave the house often because we are sharing a car so I can stay at home. I don't know where I would go anyway, but it's apparent that everyone else goes to the mall.

As I was walking around observing the fact that this is my life, I felt my nose wrinkle. I never thought that I would be a mom, let alone staying at home as well. I always thought that I would be a professional career woman. But here I was with a baby strapped to my chest as I passed by all of the other stay at home moms. I don't regret my decisions at all & quite frankly, I consider this to be the best my life has ever been. It's just funny how at one point in my life I had a vision of being at a certain place, doing a certain thing. Kind of like when people ask, "What do you see yourself doing in 10 years"? My answer was never, "I want to live in the suburbs & be a stay at home mom. Maybe do some scrap booking, learn to cook & oh, I want to hang out at the mall in the morning with my baby". But here I am, doing what I said I would never do. I have to admit, I love it.

Colorado has strange weather.
Friday morning we were supposed to go to the chiropractor for another adjustment. Bill woke up at 6 am because he thought he left the car windows down & he left the car parked in the driveway. When he came back in it started to snow. When Logan & I woke up at 7:30, there was snow everywhere. If I have a choice when it comes to driving in the snow, I choose not to. I hate being cold. I hate the snow. I hate winter. Funny that we live in Colorado when that's what it's all about! Bill called later that morning to say that he was glad that we stayed in. He was slipping all over the freeway on the way to work. Scary!

So with the snow, I thought our plans for a fun weekend would be pushed back again, just like with the rain the weekend before. We woke up Saturday morning to no snow & 70 degree weather. I swear, mother nature is bipolar here. I was so excited that we could go hiking & get out of the house. We looked at some of the national parks that were close to the house. A friend told us that we should go to Castlewood Canyon.

It was gorgeous! The weather was nice with the sun shining & everyone & their mother was out hiking. We hiked about 10 miles or so while Logan slept pretty much the whole time in the Baby Bjorn. He did great. We were there for a solid 5 hours & I stopped to nurse him by a waterfall. When he was awake, he looked around in amazement. He really is our little boy scout. It was a really great workout as well. I had to turn into the "trainer" at the end as I looked up at the incline we were about to climb & here I had this 11 lb. baby strapped to my chest. "Oh crap, (G-rated version) This is crazy!" We booked it up the canyon wall, out of breath, wrinkled nose & Bill calling out, "Hang in there, we can do it" (I thought I was supposed to be the trainer). It felt incredible once we got to the top & on our way back to the car. I love it!

Bill brought the tripod along to take a ton of pictures. He found a new graphic design program a few days before & wanted to get some pictures to play with. They look really cool. I'm really happy that he's getting back into photography & graphic arts. His creativity & talent were some of the qualities that initially attracted me to him. This is one of my favorites.

Our first family hike was awesome. Weather permitting, we will be hiking every weekend. It's a chance to get out & enjoy ourselves, workout a bit & take some pictures. With us living in the Rocky Mountains, I'm sure we'll have all sorts of new outdoor adventures.

9 th week pictures!

Now that Logan is FINALLY out of his 4 day vaccine induced slumber, I was able to get some 9 th week pictures where he was smiling as opposed to looking very angry at me or unconscious. Today we started off the day with a nice bath followed by a lot of smiles, peek-a-boo & talk on the changing table.

He's smiling in his sleep (or almost sleep) as I tell him he better stay awake, because he's had enough sleep for the whole family since Monday. He apparently thought that was funny.

We had some play time this afternoon. I thought this look was hilarious. "What are you talking about? You have to be the craziest mom ever"!

Then we had a fun time singing all sorts of songs & hanging out.

Last night he was pretty funny. Bill came home & was holding him on the couch for a while. As I was telling him about our day, he started cracking up because of Logan's smiles. Then we realized that every time I talked Logan would smile (he couldn't see me because he was facing Bill on his lap). I would stop talking & he would stop smiling. Then he would look around to try & find me.

Later that night as I was getting him ready for bed, I was rocking him in the rocking chair & singing his lullaby. He started to make noises like he was trying to sing along. I had to laugh & tell him that it wasn't time for him to sing, but close his eyes & go to sleep.

Who needs a babysitter when you have a Pug?

Buddha really loves Logan. He was always a shadow dog to begin with, but now that Logan is here, our chunky pug has become the ultimate guard dog/babysitter. He's always at my feet when I'm walking around the house with Logan in my arms. If he hear Logan crying, he's always the first one in the nursery.

When we do tummy time, Buddha is right there. He would prefer to be on the blanket with Logan, but I won't let him. Sometimes he thinks he's being sneaky & will lay down with his paws touching the edge.

When I'm in the shower, Buddha will sit next to Logan & keep him company. I always open the shower door every few minutes to make sure Logan isn't getting a dog breath bath.

Buddha is such a smart & loveable dog. He's been so good around Logan, not that I thought he wouldn't be. We often refer to him as Logan's "Pug brother". I can't wait for Logan to start reaching out to pet him. I'm sure Buddha will get a kick out of it too.

What a way to start the 9 th week.
Yesterday was a tough day. Logan had his 2 month Doctors visit & his first set of vaccinations. Vaccinations are something that I've researched for YEARS. Coming from the chiropractic office that I was in, we all held the belief that the body has innate intelligence & that it is a self healing organism. The immune system of the body is amazing & Doctors don't heal the body, they just help. The director & head Doctor of the office has 3 children. None of them are vaccinated. All of them are healthy. In the office we would often give parents vaccination exemption letters for school & where ever else they needed proof of immunization.

I've read many books, articles, research papers & had many discussions with this Doctor. A lot of the vaccinations that we are given are for diseases that are practically irraticated, like polio. They are starting to vaccinate for diseases & illnesses that I had as a child, like chicken pox & the flu. Yeah, it sucked to get sick with these illnesses, but I never came close to death. Especially with the flu. It's the flu for cryin out loud! There are so many different strains of the flu, the vaccination you get usually isn't effective. Vaccinations also weaken the immune system, not giving it a chance to do what it's designed to do. Getting sick is a natural part of life & it's almost crazy to think that we can protect ourselves from every illness.

Then there are they potential side effects & risks that are associated with getting vaccinated. The most common are mild fevers, lethargy, irritability & feeling just plain sick. Some children have allergic reactions that can be serious. Then there is the much debated & inconclusive association with the increased risk of autism. I was so afraid of this that I only ate 4 tuna fish sandwiches while pregnant. I didn't want anything that was even close to mercury to be near me. While working at the chiropractic office, the head Doctor got a call from one of his close colleagues in another state. His daughter, who was 12 & had been vaccinated the day before had a seizure while in the tub & drowned. This was very sad & very scary to me.

I hear more about the ill effects of vaccinations & not about the ill effects of the diseases that people are getting vaccinated for. I've never met someone with measles or rubella. I've never met anyone that has contracted polio within the last 15 or 20 years. We don't live in a third world country where disease is rampant & hygiene is a problem. That's where I can see vaccinations being beneficial & saving many lives. I can see the validity of a few vaccinations for diseases that are causing a few outbreaks in the U.S., like Pertussis (Whooping Cough). There is an outbreak of that going around Colorado. I was also informed of the mumps outbreak in Iowa. The sad thing is, that even though some of these children have been vaccinated, they are still getting sick with these diseases. 95% of the population in the U.S. is vaccinated. The 5% that isn't is still protected by the "heard".

Bill & his family know how I feel about this. Quite frankly, I feel like they think of me as some kind of organic hippy that poo-poo's modern medical advances. It's not true considering the fact that if it weren't for medicine during my pregnancy, I wouldn't have made it out alive. The problem is, they have the "old school" mentality when it comes to health care. They believe the medical community knows everything. While I have a particular stance, Bill has another. This posses a problem when two people are raising & taking care of a child together. Someone has to give & it's usually me, just like with Logan's circumcision. The sad thing is, they don't do any of the research, I do. They blindly follow the heard while I have the education & information.

So, without causing a family feud, I broke down & allowed Logan to be vaccinated. I was sick about it for the days building up to his appointment. Yesterday morning I was so edgy. I gave Logan some liquid tylenol before we left & he spit it all up over his outfit. I wasn't too happy about this (but not upset at Logan) & Bill told me to relax. "I can't relax because I don't want Logan to get any shots today!", I barked back. He didn't say anything. I was so nervous about it all I was practically in tears the whole drive to the clinic. I tried to keep it together while Logan was getting checked out. When the pediatrician came in she asked how we felt about his vaccinations. I told her straight up that I was very nervous & unsure about it all. We had a very long discussion. She mentioned about how she has the "benefit" of treating these diseases, knowing that they are a real threat. All of her children are vaccinated (of course) & she also gave me more research information. At the end of his appointment, she asked if we were going to go through with it. Already knowing that we were, even though I still didn't want to, I told her it was ok.

The nurse came in & gave Logan 3 shots. A Diptheria, Tetanus, Pertussis, Hepatitis B & Polio combo. An influenzae b & then a Pneumonia shot. Logan did ok, but cried a bit (I don't blame him at all) & when the nurse left I cried too. It's one thing to see & listen to your child cry when they are hungry, tired or needing a diaper change. It's a completely different thing when they cry because they're in pain. We got home & I fed & changed him. He seemed ok. He ate well, smiled at me while changing him & fell asleep. Then that's where he changed & wasn't so ok.

I let him fall asleep in his swing while I read blogs & ate lunch. 3 hours after his last feeding he starts to shriek in his sleep. He cries, then falls back asleep. The 4 th hour goes by & he's still doing the same thing. If he sleeps this long I usually turn off the swing & let him wake up. So I do this & he screams at the top of his lungs. Thinking that he's probably pretty hungry, I take him downstairs to nurse. He won't eat. He's a little warm. He just cries & cries. He doesn't want me to hold him or touch him. I change him & try to give him some more tylenol. He won't suck on anything, thus the medicine won't stay down if I give it to him. He also looks dry in the mouth & his saliva is thick. Maybe he's a little dehydrated? I put him back in his swing to sleep. 4 hours later he wakes up a little bit more normal. He hasn't had anything to eat for 7 or 8 hours. This time he lets me pick him up to cuddle. He's also sucking on his binki this time, so I give him some tylenol, let it settle & then get him ready to eat. I cried & cried, beating myself up for going against what I believed & putting Logan through this. It became apparent that for some reason I have a hard time putting my foot down & saying, "Because I'm the mom. That's why"! After his nursing, he goes right back to sleep. He was this way for most of the night. By the time Bill got home from work, Logan was semi-normal. He skipped a lot of feedings & he was pretty tired, but at least he wasn't as fussy.

Bill's mom called to check up on Logan & see how he was doing. I told her everything that had gone on. She told me that she was proud of me for making this decision & that it was for the best. She also reminded me about the outbreak in Iowa & said that it was just a bad day, the worst was over. Right. I cried saying that I never want him to go through this again anyway & that we were lucky that this was as bad as it got, from what we could tell. His next set of vaccinations are in 2 months at his 4 month check up. I either have to suck it up again, or I have a lot of convincing to do if I try to nix them this time around. It really makes me mad that I'm the mom, but other family members have bigger influences on Bill & try to parent Logan through him. I suppose I'm not putting my foot down for the simple reason of not rocking the boat & causing conflict. But at what price? The health & well being of my child? It's not right & I cry every time I think about it.

I figured it was time to try something new.
Recently, I've been worried that I'm not doing it "right". Being a mom that is. There are some things that I feel I have a good handle on & then there are other things that I'm just wingin' it. During the day we have a great time singing, cuddling, talking to each other & doing our tummy time work outs. I was talking to one of my sisters last week about his "work outs". In a text message I listed all of the things we do, thinking, "Oh my God, he's really been working out since he was 4 weeks old". She asked, "Does he like it"? The truth is, he loves it. I mentioned how he just thinks it's play time, while his sneaky mom knows that it's play time with a purpose. He's getting stronger & learning about his body. We also talk, so his communication skills are sharpening. I read to him if he gets too tired of the physical stuff & try to teach him about his toys & the noises they make. He's all smiles until he gets tired of it all & then we take a nap or just chill out for a while. So, I think I'm doing this stuff right.

I guess the thing I'm most worried about is not having a schedule. I came to the conclusion that Logan is his own person & not a programmable robot. We had a really nice schedule for about 3 days, then it all went to pot. I'm not so much concerned about daytime routines, but most certainly about sleeping routines. Lately he's been either refusing to nap or sleeping all day. If he's on the sleepy side during the day, it is so totally pointless to try & keep him up. He just gets overtired & very grumpy. Then when it comes to bed time, he puts up a fight. There have been nights where I just walk into our room to put him down & he starts to cry...for hours.

After reading up on tons of conflicting information, theories & suggestions, I decided to try something new. Logan hates his crib. He's been sleeping in his bassinet in our room at night & napping in his swing during the day. The instant I put him down in the crib, he hates me. I've tried to keep him in there to just look at his mobile, with little success. Last night we were going to watch the Sopranos. Every time we do & Logan is in bed in our room, he'll wake up crying about 20 times making me miss pretty much the whole episode. It sucks. So, I got him to sleep & put him in the crib, halfway expecting the same routine, but at least I wouldn't have to run down a flight of stairs to our room. This way, his room is next to the loft & it would take me just a minute to run in there & pop the binki back in his mouth.

We're half way through the show when I realize that Logan hasn't made a peep. I get a little worried & sneak into his room to check on him. He's out cold. Awesome. When it's time for Bill & I to go to bed, Logan still hasn't even moved. I go in to make sure he's still breathing. Everything checks out ok. Then I think, "My hell, he's going to sleep in there all night"! Not really expecting this situation to happen, I feel unprepared. We haven't purchased monitors yet, because he's been at the foot of our bed. I'm in somewhat of a conundrum. He's sleeping in the place I want him to, but if I pick him up to take him into our room, I'll be up for hours trying to get him back to sleep. I know that if we keep our door open & his door open, I will without a doubt hear him. But now I'm second guessing myself. What if I don't hear him? I decided to sleep in the guest room next to Logan's.

He slept in there all night. Not through the night, but he went back to sleep after nursing. I could hear him waking up & trying to soothe himself, or maybe he was just talking to the birds dangling from his mobile. Either way, he didn't wake up screaming like he usually does. I think he got a pretty good nights sleep in there. Me on the other hand, not so much. I slept, but it wasn't quality sleep. I kept my ears open so I could hear him, even though he was just a few feet away. I tried to put on my eyeliner this morning & couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel like a zombie. However, last night gave me new hope. Hope that someday soon, he'll be sleeping in his own room & closer to sleeping through the night. I can't wait to catch up on the sleep I so desperately need.

Another weekend bites the dust.
It was really nice to have Bill home all weekend. We were planning on going on a long walk at a local reservoir on Saturday, but it started to rain. Coming from Portland, I know I won't melt in the rain & neither will Logan, but I didn't want his first hike to be a wet one. So, maybe we'll go next weekend.

Since we weren't going to do anything on Saturday, Bill suggested that I go work out. It sounded like a good idea to me! I pumped & left him with a bottle & went to my old gym. Bill told me that there had pretty much been a complete staff turnover & I probably wouldn't know anybody there anymore. I got there & looked for people I knew. There usually aren't any trainers there late on a Saturday afternoon, but there were a couple. One of them was a really great co-worker that I spent a lot of time talking to about pregnancy & overworking. She was like the mom of the gym. It was nice to see her & talk for a quick second while her client was in between sets.

It was really strange to be there again. I went through my routine, starting from the basics. It was interesting to notice how much pregnancy changes your body not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I used to have a really strong core, but not anymore. While I was on cardio, I had this odd feeling. It was almost like the pregnancy, birth & Logan were all a very long & vivid dream & I was back in my "old life". It was a little freaky actually.

It was nice to take a couple of hours to workout. Motivation isn't a problem anymore. I just had to feel that cardio "high" for a second & I was hooked again. I had so much energy when I walked out the door to go back home, even with severe sleep deprivation. I talked to Bill about getting a workout in when he comes home from work every night. They're going to be late workouts, so we'll see what happens to the energy level, but I want to try it out.