Two steps forward, one step back
Just when I thought I was in the clear & that I was finished dealing with HG, it rears it's ugly head & reminds me that it will be sticking around for a little bit longer. I knew it was too good to be true!!

I had been feeling fine, going on about a month without throwing up. The nausea wasn't too bad & I could live with it. I was eating & drinking (granted the only liquid I could/can drink is juice or chocolate milk, water still isn't sitting well with me). My weight loss had stabilized & I even began to gain some. However, I still needed to take my zofran, even though I reduced the dose from 8mg every 4 hours to 8mg twice a day whenever I needed it. This is where I made my mistake.

I had been feeling so good & so very happy that HG was leaving that I forgot to take my medication all together last Thursday. I usually don't forget these kinds of things, but I guess since I wasn't feeling sick I didn't have much of a reminder. Friday I started to feel gross, but nothing that concerned me. Then Friday evening, on my birthday no less, I was sitting on the couch & had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. I lost my lunch while Logan stood outside the door crying because I had to keep shutting him out & I didn't have enough time to tell him that I was going to be sick. I took my medication immediately after that episode, feeling like I needed a swift kick in the rear for forgetting.

Saturday I wasn't feeling wonderful, but I was bound & determined to go out for my birthday dinner. Bill was taking me out for sushi (California rolls & anything else that was cooked). This is something that I've been craving from the beginning. I was going even if the sushi wasn't going to stick around - but thankfully, it did (along with the Ben & Jerry's hot float that I was almost positive wouldn't stay down).

Easter Sunday I felt the same, not able to eat too much & by dinner I was feeling pretty bad. Bad enough that I couldn't really eat my dinner & after getting Logan to bed, all I wanted to do was stay on the couch. Next to the nausea, everyday since Friday I had been getting massive headaches (a side effect of the medication) that would make me have to hide under a blanket on the couch.

This morning things seem to be getting a little bit better, but I'm still nauseas. I'm starting to notice that I'm getting dehydrated because liquids don't sound appealing, which only exacerbated the nausea. The more dehydrated I am, the less the medication works & a downward spiral happens fast. Thankfully I have some Popsicles & juice (but not much) & I may have to go back to sucking on ice cubes (which helped a whole lot a few weeks ago). I also have a whole watermelon that will help tremendously.

All of this because I missed one day of zofran. It looks like I won't be able to wean off the pills & will be on them the entire time just like I was with Logan. Lesson learned.

***I'll have an Easter update tomorrow along with pictures***

I cried, of course
This afternoon I had my "first" prenatal appointment (the others were emergency visits for medication). It was a really quick appointment with us not having any questions or concerns, thus making it even faster.

I'm now 12 weeks along, so the main purpose was to hear the heart beat. I was dressed in the exam gown with Logan sitting on Bill's lap looking at pictures of cartoon characters on his phone. I just had a physical days before I got the positive test, so other than blood pressure (110/70) & weight (gained another pound this week making it a total of 4 pounds since lunch at Cheesecake Factory), it was all about the doppler.

The heart beat was very strong, very easy to find & hear. Immediately a huge feeling of relief washed over me & the pregnancy became a little more real. With a big sigh, tears streamed down my face as I tried not to start full on sobbing. "It wasn't all for nothing", my OB said as she smiled & handed me a few tissues.

Exactly. Being this sick for so long wasn't all for nothing. It was a big fear for me that we might not hear the heart beat & all of this suffering was pointless, then I would have to do it all over again.

Everything is going well so far. A strong heart beat, HG subsiding leaving me nauseous mostly at night & I'm back to taking care of Logan again at bedtime (not to mention getting the house put together after the move). Things are finally getting back to normal.

Cheesecake Factory saved my life
Friday afternoon after Logan's check-up appointment, we went out to lunch with photographer friend & Little M at Cheesecake Factory. We've been wanting to go for a long time (it's in a neighboring town & a little bit of a road trip) & I had been literally starving & wanting to gorge on anything I could get my hands on. I didn't care if it was going to come back up or not. This was the perfect opportunity.

We drove up there with the kids having fun in the backseat screaming back & forth. They were a little rambunctious during lunch & it was extremely draining trying to keep Logan in check. The food came (orange chicken lunch special for me, macaroni & cheese shared with Little M for Logan) & I ate like I never have before. Cheesecake Factory is known for their very large portion sizes. I cleaned my plate in mere seconds. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath & let the food settle. I seriously had to make myself slow down. After inhaling my lunch, we ordered our cheesecake slices (tiramisu cheesecake & Logan didn't get any because he didn't even touch his lunch). I ate almost all of that too, & it didn't take long either.

After we paid the check we let the kids run around on the playground in the outdoor "mall" area. They needed to burn off some energy before we headed back home. It was fun just hanging out & being outside. It was also nice to just sit & let the food sink in as I was trying my darnedest to make sure it stayed down. After wrangling Logan, eating a ginormous amount of food & just being out after months of doing nothing but laying on the couch, I was flat out exhausted. I think I could have fallen asleep on the sidewalk if I really wanted to.

The good news was that after we got home, I was able to keep lunch down. And I even ate a fairly large dinner, too. I didn't want to jinx myself, but as of today, it's been about 4 days since I've thrown up. The lunch at Cheesecake Factory gave me the calories to bounce back a little bit more & even though I'm still on the meds, I feel pretty darn good compared to the walking dead feeling I've had for so long. I stepped on the scale at the gym this morning & I gained 3 pounds. Granted, it's probably the food that's still in me (gross, I know) but at least I haven't lost any more weight. At this point, I'm thinking I won't need to adjust my medication & I don't have to worry about going on IV's or a pump.

I think I've turned a corner & the worst is over. Or so I hope!

This is not the best form of flattery
It's no secret that I've been quite sick for quite some time now. It's to the point where I'm throwing up at least twice on a good day & up to 10 or more times on a bad day. But regardless, I throw up every single day. Even on the medication, which I need to double up with a secondary medication & we're still trying to figure out what the best secondary medication is.

So, with me throwing up all of the time, I'm often running off to the bathroom. At first I never said anything to Logan about it, until he started to cry & get upset at hearing me being sick. As time went on, he got used to me being sick & began pointing to me saying "sick? sick?", to which I would reply, "Yes, Mommy is sick". I started giving him warnings as I was running across the house, "Mommy is going to be sick. Sit here & watch SpongeBob". He would stand outside the door, "sick? sick?" until I came out. Sometimes he would try to break in, even though I had the bathroom door locked.

Well, tonight was different. We had just gone to pick Bill up from work & he made Logan's dinner when we got back & settled in. I was sitting on the couch, immobile, trying not to throw up. Bill was at the table with him doing whatever on the laptop & the next thing we know, Logan starts making these horrible sounds. Bill & I look at each other. "He's pretending to throw up", Bill says in a disgusted, shocked tone. "Well, that's just lovely", I reply, knowing how often Logan listens to me wretch in the bathroom everyday.

So, not only is Logan constantly pointing to me saying "sick", but he's now imitating me throwing up in the bathroom. I think I better start saving up for his therapy costs now, because I'm pretty sure I've just scarred him for life.

In my dreams
I dream about food. I'm pretty sure I think about food 24/7. When I'm awake, I think about all of the food I wish I could eat, when I'm asleep, I dream about five course dinners, buffets & treats. I would give anything to go somewhere & load up my plate & stuff myself silly. I guess that's what happens when you're starving.

There are two things I'm craving so much that I think about them every time my stomach growls. Sushi & girl scout cookies. I know I'm not supposed to eat "real" sushi, but I would give my left leg for an all you could eat California roll or some kind of funky cooked concoction. Ugh, it kills me just to type that out. Then the girl scout cookies. Don't even get me started. Once I found out that they were selling in front of the grocery stores, I have been keeping my eyes peeled. I've yet to see them anywhere. Frozen thin mints, caramel delights, shortbread cookies...yummmmm.

The sad thing is I think about all of this food, but there's no way I could keep it down. I'm eating ice chips, bread & butter. Sometimes I'm starving enough that I can keep fries & milkshakes in me. Sometimes I eat it anyway knowing full well that it's not going to stay in. I think I've lost close to 20 pounds (15 for sure) because of the constant nausea. Going through this really makes me appreciate food, the ability to eat & good health.

I am lucky, but I feel like a schmuck
With this being my second go around with hyperemesis, things are drastically different. The first time, I didn't have any support. I was sick on my own, the house never got cleaned & looked totally gross. It was rough.

This time I have a bunch of friends rallying to support us. Massage friend is going to clean our new home for us before we move in & she's also going to clean this house when we move out (I'm totally going to pay her for her time, too). A bunch of friends have offered to help us pack & move & many have offered to make Bill & Logan dinners so I don't get sick from the smells of food. I can't count how many times people have offered to watch Logan during the day so I can rest in a quiet house. Everyone I know in The Club is offering any & all the help that they can. I am so thankful for them all & I'm amazed at what a great group of friends that I have.

But this doesn't stop me from feeling like a schmuck. I feel so bad for needing so much help. There are bittersweet tears at night, mostly from an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for my friends & everything that they're doing to help us, but also from being so tired of being sick & helpless all of the time. I feel disabled to a point & it really sucks. Then I feel stupid for feeling this way because I knew what I was getting into when we decided to have another baby. I knew that I would be really sick again & I knew that I would need the help of my friends. In fact, knowing that I would have so much support really solidified our decision.

Good grief. I don't know what I feel. But I am incredibly thankful.

Eventful morning
It's been a whirlwind of activity this morning. As I was getting ready for another OB appointment, I got a call from the VP of The Insurance Company we're attempting to sue/have investigative reporter interrogate. Nothing really happened in the conversation except for an apology, assurance on a resolution & me crying on the phone about how this whole situation has effected our family. However, I hope things do move forward. It's kind of a big deal when you get a phone call from the VP of a multi-million dollar heath care system. So, I'm taking that as a good sign.

After the phone call, I dropped Logan off at massage friends' house while I went to a follow up appointment from last week. I'm down another 5 pounds for a total of 10 pounds lost in 2 weeks. They were pretty concerned about that. I'm taking 8mg of zofran every 4 hours & I guess that's the max my OB wants me to be on. I'm still having a terrible time at night (not eating dinner, nauseous at the smell of what Bill's cooking himself for dinner, glued to the couch), so she prescribed compazine to take at night. I agreed & then came home to look up the information. I'm not sure I want to take it anymore.

It sounds kind of scary. I'm almost thinking starvation at night & dealing with HG with just the zofran (as much as it's not working at night) might be a better option. This stuff sounds serious. More so than zofran. I'm doing more research on it & other medication options (phenergan is not an option for me) to see what else I can do. It looks like my insurance company isn't going to cover the compazine anyway seeing as though the prescription was delayed & they have to call the insurance company.

This time it might be a good thing.

Guilty
This is going to be a boo-hoo pity party post, but sometimes you just have to get it out & let it happen. This afternoon is the worst I've felt yet. I've been sick in the bathroom many times & glued to the couch the other times I haven't been throwing up. Fortunately this all spun out of control just as Bill was coming home from work, so Logan & I had a good day otherwise.

We spent the morning with The Club going on a tour of PetCo, where the kids got to see the different animals they had at the store, pet the snakes (which Logan did not want to do), birds & ferrets. They got to feed the fish & look at the turtles & rabbits. It was a great morning with big fat snowflakes falling all day. We came home after running a few errands, ate lunch (pineapple slices for me) & then we both took a nap. When I woke up, I knew I was in for a bad evening.

I've had a cold for a couple of days & the sinus drainage just complicates things with HG. I was hanging out in the bathroom while Logan watched cartoons. I was only "watching" him for a half hour before Bill came home from work. He cooked Logan dinner as I ran up & down the stairs to the bathroom a few times. He gave Logan a bath, brushed his teeth & got him tucked in to bed, all as I'm throwing up.

I felt so bad. Not just sick, but I felt guilty. I'm usually the one who makes him dinner, brushes his teeth & gets his pajamas on. I tuck him into bed, kiss him on the head, wave 'night-night', blow kisses & tell each other "Love" as I close his bedroom door. I'm now missing out on this because I'm too sick to do it at night. After Bill tucked Logan in, I came out of the bathroom crying, thanking him for taking care of Logan. "It's OK, you can't help it", he told me.

I knew going into this that there would be times I would feel guilty because I was too sick to take care of Logan. Knowing is one thing, feeling it is another. Knowing still doesn't stop me from crying about it, nor does it make me feel any better about the situation. I guess tomorrow I'll pull up my boot straps because it's another day. Hopefully it's just 5 more weeks of the really bad stuff. Hopefully I'll get over this cold, be able to keep up with the right dosage of zofran (8mg every 4 hours) & by the end of the first trimester, have this monster under control.

I guess I have to stay positive even when I feel sick & guilty.

It's here
After feeling nauseas all day & all night for three to three & a half weeks straight, I'm now camping out in the bathroom. I haven't made meal plans for the week because the thought of food just makes me want to gag, so I'm not up for making dinner anymore. It's back to the basics for us for a while.

I felt terrible all yesterday afternoon & all last night. I slept when Logan took his nap (from 1:00-4:30), just so I could be unconscious & not have to deal with it. I woke up feeling gross & it got progressively worse throughout the night, eventually making me make a b-line for the bathroom at dinner. That's when I knew I was sick enough to take the zofran.

I've been holding on to that bottle of pills like Linus holding his blanket. I take them everywhere with me to be prepared & they give me a sense of security, knowing that if I get sick, everything will be alright because I have them. It's actually kind of stupid.

So, my nights are shot now. I'm pretty good in the morning, good enough to keep working out. I drink my breakfast (carnation instant breakfast) because I can't eat. I workout, come home, eat some toast & fruit & do whatever we're doing for that day. Come nap time, I begin to feel gross & it's a downward spiral from there. The hard part is staying hydrated because I can hardly drink anything right now. So, I'm already behind the ball on that one.

We were supposed to go out for Date Night tonight, but it looks like we might take Logan over to play with his friends while we come back home. I still have to get the house clean & make muffins for playgroup tomorrow & it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done. I find myself taking frequent breaks so I don't run out of steam.

But, oddly enough, things are still easier this time around. I know what to expect & I know what's happening to me. I have a bunch of people that I can call if I need help with Logan (the calls & emails offering help have already started). I'm not scared & I don't see myself going into a depression like I did last time. As paranoid as I was about getting sick, I'm optimistic that everything will be OK. Yeah, I feel like crap, but I can deal with it.