Monday, February 04, 2008

Guilty
This is going to be a boo-hoo pity party post, but sometimes you just have to get it out & let it happen. This afternoon is the worst I've felt yet. I've been sick in the bathroom many times & glued to the couch the other times I haven't been throwing up. Fortunately this all spun out of control just as Bill was coming home from work, so Logan & I had a good day otherwise.

We spent the morning with The Club going on a tour of PetCo, where the kids got to see the different animals they had at the store, pet the snakes (which Logan did not want to do), birds & ferrets. They got to feed the fish & look at the turtles & rabbits. It was a great morning with big fat snowflakes falling all day. We came home after running a few errands, ate lunch (pineapple slices for me) & then we both took a nap. When I woke up, I knew I was in for a bad evening.

I've had a cold for a couple of days & the sinus drainage just complicates things with HG. I was hanging out in the bathroom while Logan watched cartoons. I was only "watching" him for a half hour before Bill came home from work. He cooked Logan dinner as I ran up & down the stairs to the bathroom a few times. He gave Logan a bath, brushed his teeth & got him tucked in to bed, all as I'm throwing up.

I felt so bad. Not just sick, but I felt guilty. I'm usually the one who makes him dinner, brushes his teeth & gets his pajamas on. I tuck him into bed, kiss him on the head, wave 'night-night', blow kisses & tell each other "Love" as I close his bedroom door. I'm now missing out on this because I'm too sick to do it at night. After Bill tucked Logan in, I came out of the bathroom crying, thanking him for taking care of Logan. "It's OK, you can't help it", he told me.

I knew going into this that there would be times I would feel guilty because I was too sick to take care of Logan. Knowing is one thing, feeling it is another. Knowing still doesn't stop me from crying about it, nor does it make me feel any better about the situation. I guess tomorrow I'll pull up my boot straps because it's another day. Hopefully it's just 5 more weeks of the really bad stuff. Hopefully I'll get over this cold, be able to keep up with the right dosage of zofran (8mg every 4 hours) & by the end of the first trimester, have this monster under control.

I guess I have to stay positive even when I feel sick & guilty.

7 comments:

Dawn B said...

You husband was so right..you can't help it! And Logan probably senses that too. You're growing a beautiful and healthy baby..no need to feel guilty. But I know it's easier for me to say.. but like you said, everything will be alot better soon. And I hope you get some time to enjoy the pregnancy. =)

Kayce said...

I felt the same guilt when I went through this last year. You're doing the best you can, and all of you will make it through. Logan will actually probably end up more independent and nurturing both because of it.

tyfamilyadventures said...

Try not to feel guilty.I am sure that Logan can tell that mommy doesn't feel good right now.Take care of yourself and I hope you start feeling better.

Dan, Erin & Hailey! said...

I hope you start feeling better soon!

Anonymous said...

Keep in mind it is good for your husband to have this time with him too. Plus you want your little guy to grow up to do the same thing for his wife, so now he gets to see how good men help their wives. I hope you feel better.

Kristin said...

Anonymous-

That is the most comforting comment yet. It is good for Logan & Bill to spend this time together & I never even thought about how this could be a learning experience for Logan.

Thanks for that!

Jaime said...

I know this feeling all too well unfortunately. I wish I could say it will pass or that it will lessen in time but...

Of all the things I had to struggle with in my last pregnancy the thing I could never shake was the guilt.

My oldest child would peer into my bedroom as I lay in bed, come inside and kiss me and ask when I was going to get better. My sons would go some nights without my nightly bedtime stories and instead had to settle for tiny kisses. It was a difficult time, I missed out on so much.

But this too shall pass and things will be better. I'm sorry this is happening to you.