Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Logan is 4 weeks old today.
I don't know where the time went. Bill & I were talking about this the other day. It's been a crazy time in our lives. On one hand, it seems like it was just yesterday that we were at our friends house for the New Years Eve party & I was still pregnant. On the other hand, it feels like these last 4 weeks have been 4 years.

Logan seems so different that the little baby that we brought home at the beginning of the month. He has certainly gotten bigger. He now fits most if not all of his newborn clothes. He seems to be smiling more & he lets Bill hold him at the end of the night without having a total melt down (Thank God). He is moving his head a lot more & holding it up for longer periods of time as well. I think it might be time to start "tummy time". Not only are his legs stretched out, but last night I think he has started to discover his arms. He's stretching them out, almost like he's reaching for things & his grip is stronger too.

It's amazing what 4 weeks can do to a person. I've never been busier, happier, more tired & selfless in all of my life. Motherhood is a 24 hour job. There are no breaks, even when Logan is sleeping. I'm still checking on him to make sure he's ok, or listening with super mother hearing while I'm in the shower. To an extent, I've changed as a person. I've discovered strengths & also many weaknesses. I've developed dark circles under my eyes & I've lost more hair than I thought humanly possible. I think the next step is wrinkles & going gray.

He is still morphing into Mr. Fussy Fuss at times (I can't wait for this to end). It seems as though most of my day consists of feeding him, changing him & keeping him from crying. Often at the end of the night, I think back to what I did during the day. The house is still a mess, there are dirty dishes in the sink & the laundry needs to be done. "What on earth did I do for 12 hours? Oh, yeah, I was holding Logan the whole time". I would much rather be doing that than housework any day.

Monday, February 27, 2006

I have re-discovered the secret to keeping my sanity.
I've used this as a stress reliever for years. Why it's importance has taken a seat on the back burner, I can't say. However, right now it's so important, it's right up there with sleeping & eating. The daily shower.

It's so easy as a new mom to forget about all of the things I need to do to take care of myself, like eat, sleep & shower. It's strange because these are basic things. Like breathing. Before Logan, you would never catch me outside of the house, even in the driveway, without having had a shower. Now, there have been times where I haven't had one in 3 days. Gross, I know. But Mr. Fussy Fuss has been taking up quite a bit of my time.

I love the shower so much, I am a self proclaimed shower hog. It's been that way most of my life. So much, that my family knows that if they want a hot shower, they better get it done before I go in. Otherwise, it will be a quick cold one for them. I remember constantly getting yelled at as a kid to get out of the shower, when it seemed as though I was only in there for a few minutes. I was in there for an hour. When Bill & I bought our house, I was all about upgrades in the bathroom. I wanted it to look like a spa. Other than not being able to add jets to the tub (we passed the add on date), it really does feel like a spa. After the construction was complete & we signed our closing papers, I remember standing in the master bath with Bill, crying & crying. I was so happy that we had a beautiful house & a wonderful shower. I kept thanking him for all of his hard work & long hours so that we could have a house like this. The shower is by far my favorite place in the house.

The shower is my escape from life. A place where I'm alone in my thoughts (I actually do my best thinking in there). A place where the moist heat relaxes every muscle in my body. A place where my stress runs down the drain with the peppermint shampoo. Since my re-discovery, I've tried to make it more of a priority. I've noticed that the nightly fussy times are much easier & I'm a little more sane if I've had a shower that day. To get one in during the day is a trick though.

After I had fed, changed & rocked Logan to sleep one evening, I thought that I might have enough time to slip away into my peppermint bliss before Bill got home from work. Logan was asleep in the bassinet in our bedroom & I figured that if he woke up, the sound of the running water might put him back to sleep. Just as I put a glob of shampoo on my head, he woke up. He didn't go back to sleep either. As he cried a blood piercing scream, I hurried as fast as I could to get clean & get out. Forget about shaving that day. I might as well become a hippy on that note. I got out & dried off, picked him up, only to notice baby tears streaming down his face. This was the first time I had seen tears from him. He was so upset that I left him. I figured that I would never be able to shower during the day again.

Now it's become a balancing act of priorities. Sleep in or shower? Yesterday morning I showered after I fed Logan & put him back down to sleep. It was about 6:30 or 7:00. I took a long relaxing break in there, after having been up every 2 hours to feed him that night. I even had time to fold laundry afterward. I was dead tired though. Relaxed, but still exhausted. And as the days go on & Logan becomes more aware & awake, naps are becoming more of a rarity. There are other things that I need to do though, like shower.

Friday, February 24, 2006



April 20, 1999 - February 24, 2006

Beck died this afternoon. We had construction workers over at the house today doing our six month walk through. While they were fixing various things, I had the dogs in the garage so they would be out of the way. A few times in between workers, I let them back in. Well, I went to let them in after the carpenter left & only Buddha came in. Beck was laying on the floor, not moving, not breathing. He got into the dog food & had another seizure. I'm not sure if it was the seizure that took him or choking on the food during the seizure. But, he's no longer with us.

I called Bill & told him to come home. Beck was dead. I tried to stay as calm as I could, as I was still holding Logan & I didn't want to make him cry too. Plus we still had people working on different things in the house. It seemed to take forever for Bill to get home. I saw him pull into the driveway & went to meet him outside. "He's definitely dead", I cried. Bill hugged me & we walked in the house. He opened the garage door & it broke his heart. I don't think I've seen him so hurt before. Beck is the first dog that he has ever lost. Our dogs were like kids to us before we had Logan. We cried together for a while.

Bill dug a hole in the back yard & we wrapped him up in a sheet with his leash & harness. That action really made me upset. We were both sobbing as he put him into the ground. We said a few words of remembrance & laid him to rest. He has a large stone for a marker & I think I'll plant something there this spring. Even though he was a quiet dog, the house seems very still. Too still.

We first saw our little beagle while we were living in Vegas. It was independence day weekend & we decided that Buddha needed a brother because we were gone for so long during the day. We stopped by a pet shop that was close to our home. When I saw him I wanted him right away. We asked if we could let him out of his cage. He proceeded to run around the place causing all sorts of havoc. There was a pen of poodles in the middle of the store & Beck would try to pull them out through the small chain links by their fur. It was pretty funny. We knew that we were going to take this little hell raiser home.

It took a little while for Beck & Buddha to get used to each other, but when they clicked, they were brothers for life. They were like peanut butter & jelly, never going anywhere without the other. They would cuddle & run around & embarrassed us with "dog shows" when we had company over. He was a cute puppy too. He had big paws & floppy ears that he would chew on. He tried to get out of the kitchen (where we put up a baby gate too keep them in) almost every night. We kept him busy with a dog puzzle. It was a cube that we would put a treat in & he would roll it around the house trying to get the treat out. He was pretty smart with that toy. We lovingly called him "Speckabeck".

We moved to Portland & rented a house with a yard. We knew that Beck would love it seeing as though we were coming from a small apartment. We soon discovered that Beck was a little escape artist. One day at work, Bill got a call from some guy telling him that he had Beck. Beck was walking onto the free way & this guy rescued him (also feeding him pizza). It took a couple of escapes & rescues by our neighbors for us to keep him chained up. He really didn't mind that at all, as long as he could still be outside.

We moved to Colorado & we were excited that we had our very own back yard to build them a dog house. We were planning on doing that this spring when we do the landscaping. Even though our yard wasn't completely fenced in, we still let the dogs out. There were times that it was a bitter 12 degrees out, but Beck would still be out there sniffing around with his beagle nose. We could count on him coming back, because we had food & treats.

We saw a gradual increase in his seizures, but there was nothing that could be done about them. Medications didn't work that well & they had side effects that seemed worse than just the seizures. We knew that he would probably pass from this disease, but not so soon. He was a good & happy dog. Even though I had lost my patience with him during my pregnancy. He wasn't as bad as I made him out to be.

As Bill cried this afternoon at the open grave, "Good bye little buddy".

Thursday, February 23, 2006

I've read all sorts of parenting books & it doesn't matter.
Before Logan was born, I used to worry about how I was going to raise him. How was I going to feed him & get him to sleep? What could I expect to do with a newborn? What was my life going to be like with him? It came down to attachment parenting vs. parent directed feeding (aka: scheduling). Well, in my opinion, it's all crap.

In these few short weeks with Logan, I've learned that you do what works best for the family. It does take a bit of trial & error, but nothing is by "the book" of any book. I was leaning toward the parent directed feeding technique. I'm a bit of an anal personality & I like order & predictability. It made sense to have a schedule where I feed Logan at this time, change him, do this & that & then cycle that throughout the day. I knew what I was going to be doing, how to do it & I felt prepared. I didn't like the idea of attachment parenting because I was afraid of having a "clingy" baby that would have a hard time gaining his own independence. I also didn't want to be used as a pacifier & constantly be breast feeding. Co-sleeping scared me because of the increased risk of SIDS.

The bottom line is that Logan is not a programmable robot to do as I will him to do. He is his own person (even at 3 weeks old) that has his own game plan. He does have a little bit of a routine, like feeding every 1 1/2 -4 hours & getting changed afterward, but that's about it. We have a bassinet in our room, but lately he's wanted to fall asleep on me & stay there. We've slept on the futon in the loft, on the couch in the living room & now I've given into letting him sleep in our bed after he wakes up to eat in the mornings. I actually like having him in our bed at 7 am. It makes for a great way to wake up & start the day.

If I'm helping to form bad habits, I'm sure I'll pay for it later. At least I'm gaining a little bit of my sanity back. The little bit of extra sleep & a little less of Logan crying is making for better days & a happier mommy.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

It was bath day again today.
Logan is starting to like bath time now. He didn't like it so much in the beginning. I think it was because he was cold & he takes after his mom in liking really warm (but not too hot) baths. I try not to give him a bath every day because the air is so dry here at this time of year. He has been a little dry himself & baby lotion isn't helping too much. I found out about this awesome baby oil by Burts Bees. It's an apricot oil that makes Logan's skin really soft & it smells so good. He gets a baby massage with it after every bath. He loves it. He just grunts & looks up at me in his hooded towel. He's really cute.

At the request of Grandma, I got him dressed in an outfit that was a gift from a teacher that she works with (whom we have never met) so I could take a picture to include with the thank you card. It was very sweet of her to think of Logan & get him this outfit. However, this may be the one & only time that he wears it. I don't know who these people are designing baby clothes. I think they get a kick out of making our kids look like clowns, or as in this picture, some kind of baby pope. Logan looks content after having a bath, getting his smell good/feel good baby massage, a clean diaper & a warm blanket. I wonder if he knows how ridiculous he looks & if he'll give me hell about it when he's older & has a sense of style (because I know he'll be the best dressed kid in the neighborhood).

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Logan had his first stroller ride this afternoon.
This morning when Bill got up to go to work, he gave us a kiss good-bye & mentioned how it was really nice outside. "I don't even need a jacket at 8 am. If it's that nice now, it should be a great day for a walk". This is coming from a guy that was born & raised in North Dakota. Last week when the nation was hit with that arctic blast, it was -45 degrees there. He is also prone to wear birkenstocks & shorts in the snow. I should've thought about that before I got ready to go out.

I looked out the window & thought that it looked nice enough to go out. The sun was shinning & the snow was melting. Looks can be deceiving. After getting Logan all bundled up & put on a few layers myself, we were out the door. I was no farther than the driveway when I realized what an idiot I am. It was freezing. I decided to keep going considering that it took forever to get us both ready & we might as well just stick it out. Logan did great. Actually, all he did was sleep. He didn't make a sound. I, on the other hand, did not do so well. When it comes to being cold, I am a pure bred wimp. My fingers were too cold to move. My face was numb & my ears were burning in the cold wind.

The sun may have been shinning, but there was a bitter cold wind that pierced through my hoodie. We walked over snow that was still on the sidewalk, testing out the all terrain capabilities of our new stroller. I love it. It's a smooth ride, easy to control & hey, if we want to walk over snow drifts, we can.

We got back & as soon as I could move my fingers to call Bill, I left him a message. "I don't know what your idea of "nice" is, but it is freaking cold outside. Logan was ok, but I can't move my face. Just to let you know. Thanks. I love you".

Monday, February 20, 2006

Logan this morning as everyone is getting ready to go back home.
I can't believe that he's 3 weeks old already. He really is a good (& cute) baby.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Never separate a mother bear from her baby bear.
Unless you really want to loose an arm or a leg or worse, your head. That's one of the first things you learn when you go hiking in bear country. This is also the rule of thumb for any living thing, including people.

Bill's family has been over here this weekend again. I thought that the "crazy overprotective" feeling was going to be better. I thought, "Hmmm, time has passed. It's been a couple of weeks. I should be over this". I was wrong. It's worse. Time has passed, but that also means that the bond between us is much stronger. It makes every cell in my body explode with anxiety to see my son being taken care of by someone else when I'm being shooed off to bed, willing & able to do my mommy job. It's not that I don't trust others capabilities. It's quite the opposite. Everyone is very good with Logan & loves him very much. It's just my brain saying, "Hey, that's my job! I'm here & I can take care of him, not you".

The brain is very tricky to control when sleep deprived. There's the logical part reminding me that they are going to see Logan only a few times each year. Chill out. It's just for the weekend & soon enough, I'll be holding him again. But then there is the primal part of my brain, just like the mother bear. There is no voice, just feeling. Very intense feeling. It's such a deep & raw feeling that it surprises me.

I had finished feeding Logan when I brought him upstairs into his room to change him. He was on the changing table as I was getting the next "costume change" ready. Just as I turn around, Bill's mom had snatched him up off of the table & took him away to cuddle. The primal part of my brain wanted to scream. "Wait, you can't cuddle him! He's in a dirty diaper. I have to take care of that now!" I came out into the loft where everyone was hanging out. I was told that I should go to bed. That's when I almost completely snapped. I jolted up out of the chair & said, "Fine, I'm going to bed. Someone has to change him though". Anyone who thinks that a mom will be able to sleep when she can hear her fussy baby has another thing coming to them. It is physically impossible for me to sleep when I can hear him. I may be able to hear everyone else in muffled tones that I can ignore, but I can hear Logan as clear as a bell. Like he's sitting right outside of my bedroom door.

Bill came into the bedroom & said a few choice words to me, telling me that I was being short with everyone. I told him that when he is up every two hours, then he has every right to tell me that. Otherwise I didn't want to hear it. Short. They're lucky I was just being "short". If they only had a clue as to what was going on inside of my head. Bill later came back in to apologize for what he said & told me he knows that it's difficult. I cried telling him that he would never understand the feelings that were going on.

Sunday was much better. I had a little more sleep & we spent the day shopping. It wasn't the shopping that made the day better. It was the fact that Logan was in his car seat all afternoon & for some reason it felt a little more calm to me. Grandma bought Logan all sorts of new clothes, baby books & a rocking chair to sit in up in the loft. Grandpa bought him a stroller (which is really cool) & Aunt Ju Ju bought him a book, a cute frog rattle & long sleeved onesie.

Everyone has gone back home & Bill is at work. It's just me & the little munchkin again. It feels good. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone to death & I really appreciate all of the stuff they got for Logan & the help with dinners & laundry. It's just that family visits are so stressful now. It's ridiculous. I don't know if I'll ever get over it either. The mother bear mentality is probably going to be with me for the rest of my life.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans today.
That was a mistake. I thought things were shrinking pretty quick, although I'm not even close to what I was pre-baby. I haven't had the time or the appetite to eat like I did during pregnancy & breast feeding has flattened my stomach & shrunk things down a little. I don't feel quite like the deflated balloon that I looked like right after delivery. Right. Well, I couldn't even get them past my huge hips & over my big butt. I'm only two weeks post-partum. I don't know what I was thinking. Wishful thinking I guess. I should've known better though. I can't count how many times that I told my post-pregnancy clients not to worry. "It took 9 months for your body to change. It's going to take some time to get it back". Maybe I should follow my own advice.

The changes my body has gone through are quite amazing. It still boggles my mind that I carried a small baby for so long. Other than my hips & butt getting bigger, I did get a few stretch marks, or as we like to call them, love marks. It seems that I've gotten away pretty unscathed in that department though. They don't bother me at all because it reminds me of the sacrifices that I made to have Logan here with us.

However, the thing that bothers me the most is my hunch back posture. I noticed it right after delivery. It's a little better, but not much. I swear I feel like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. In the hospital, the nurses said it was from pushing in that scrunched up position & holding Logan during breast feeding (even though I use a Boppy pillow). I really need to find the time to start pilates again & see the chiropractor as well.

As anxious as I am to get back into shape (especially before summer when Logan & I will be hanging out at the pool), I'm not going to pressure myself. I'm going to wait 2 more weeks when Logan is a month old. By then we should be pretty familiar with routines & what not. I have a feeling that It's going to be a battle to take the car & have Bill watch Logan while I get to the gym. I'm probably going to have to develop a routine at home. Thankfully I know what I'm doing & it will be easy to do.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The reign of Mr. Fussy Fuss continues.
I can handle all of the jobs of a stay at home mom...human dairy factory, laundromat owner, master diaper changer, baby spa technician specializing in baby hygiene, house maid cleaning up spit up & other bodily fluids, human rocking chair aka: baby psychologist for a shoulder to cry on & the newly discovered baby entertainer: the singing mom & DJ.

Logan has definitely inherited our appreciation for music. It's one of the few things that will automatically get him to calm down & relax. In the morning I usually feed him & then put on some classical music to burp him & hold him until he's ready for a diaper change. If he decides that the music is sufficient, he'll look around & cuddle. If Mr. Fussy Fuss has taken over, he makes me sing (or hum if there aren't any words). It's a good thing that I've had years of piano lessons & sang in many choirs for school, church & in the shower, otherwise he might have some busted ear drums.

His musical tastes change throughout the day. In the afternoon, he likes it a little bit louder & with a little bit more beat. It seems the house turns into a mini-baby rock concert. I'm glad that we live in a house because if he lived in an apartment, we would be getting major noise complaints. This must all stem from the concerts & music that Bill & I listened to while Logan was still in utero.

So, with all of these jobs to do, being a mom is physically, mentally, emotionally demanding & exhausting. I can handle everything during the day, but hit my limits at night. Usually around 11 pm when I'm so completely worn out, but Mr. Fussy Fuss decides that he's ready to go to bed at 1 or 2 am. Those last few hours are absolutely hellish. Bill gets home between 9:30 & 11 pm, depending on the day. Right when I'm starting to turn into crazy mommy. When I hand Logan off he'll start to turn into Mr. Fussy Fuss, demanding that he be held by me, his baby psychologist & human rocking chair. Bill gets frustrated that he doesn't know what to do & thinks that he needs to be fed all of the time. I'm essentially a single parent with a personal shopper/sugar daddy (except the only thing that he's buying is diapers & wipes).

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Today was Logan's first Doctors appointment.

We did a pretty good job of timing his feeding & getting ready. I was even able to take a shower & put on make-up (quite the miracle these days). It was pretty cold & windy outside so I got him dressed in his cute fuzzy bear jumper. He's so cute in it, I still haven't taken him out of it & plan on keeping him in it until he gets it dirty. It's one of the few outfits that actually fits him pretty well too.

We got to the appointment on time (another miracle. I was never on time to my prenatal appointments & I only had to get myself ready). A nurse had me get him undressed & she checked him out. It was a good thing that I stocked the diaper bag well, because when she took his temperature (rectally) he made a pretty big mess, almost getting her wet. His head was 14 1/4 inches. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz. A good weight gain, but hardly the super chunk that I thought he was turning into. He was measured at 21 inches long. So he hasn't grown heavy, but long. Everyone in Bill's family thinks that Logan is going to be a super tall guy, I'm thinking so too now. Bill guessed 6' 2'', his mom is guessing taller at 6' 4''. It will be interesting to see what happens.

The Doctor came in to do her exam. Everything checked out just fine. She recommended that Logan take a liquid vitamin supplement because he is solely breast fed. Because babies aren't outside in the sun (a good thing to reduce the risk of skin cancer), they lack the right level of vitamin D for bone development if they are breast fed. Formulas have added vitamin D. Afterward, we went down to the lab for his second PKU test. I had to hold him while the technician pricked his heel & literally milked the blood from his foot. It was not very fun, but Logan was a trooper. He cried just a little bit in the beginning. We go back in six weeks for his vaccinations (yikes, we're both not going to like that).

We left the clinic & went out for breakfast. Logan just hung out in his carrier, sleeping the whole time. I think the events of the morning had worn him out. We got home just in time to feed him again. I'm glad that we made it home, because I'm not feeling very comfortable about feeding him in public yet. It's a shame that I feel that way, but I'm sure I'll get over it with time & practice.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

OK, I'm feeling a little white trash.
Logan's first outing was to Wal-Mart. Of all of the places we could have gone, we went to Wal-Mart. Logan, I'm sorry that it wasn't a more fun & interesting place. On Sunday when Bill got home, I told him that I needed him to watch Logan while I went to go & get him a Valentine's Day card. I'm still on "house arrest" even though I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in 10 months. I've wanted to go out & join the land of the free & living ever since we've been home from the hospital. The nurse that came over to do Logan's 3 day check up suggested that we wait until he is 4 weeks old before we take him out, due to cold & flu season. Unless I start to feel like a hermit (which I am. I've been a house hostage for 4 months now), then I can go on quick outings. Bill wasn't comfortable taking him out yet...until I needed him to watch Logan without me there.

Logan has become a little more fussy as the days go on. Bill has even named him "Mr. Fussy Fuss". Yes, Logan's father named him that. I hope it sticks so that when he's 16 & mad that he can't take the car or what not, I can call him "Mr. Fussy Fuss" & make him even more mad (what a terrible mother I am). Because he's become Mr. Fussy Fuss, it makes Bill really unsure of what to do to sooth him. So, when I mentioned that I needed to go & get a card, he quickly said, "Well, let's all go. We'll make a family outing out of it". I didn't care, as long as I could get out of the house.

I got Logan dressed in some warm clothes & bundled him up in the car seat. My original plan wasn't to go to Wal-Mart to get a card. They have a terrible selection. I wanted to go to Target or even make a longer trip to the Hallmark store. But, with Bill & Logan along (& Bill driving), we went to the closest store. Wal-Mart. Logan slept the whole time & didn't make a peep. It felt strange venturing out into the world again, but this time with our little baby in tow. Tomorrow we go to Logan's 2 week Doctors appointment. Maybe we'll be brave & go out for breakfast afterward. This time the outing should be a little more interesting & a little less white trash.

Monday, February 13, 2006

There is a magical feeling that happens when a mother is holding her baby close.
I'm sure science can explain it by hormone releases & chemical reactions, but emotionally, it's magical. It's difficult to explain. I feel it most when Logan & I are tummy to tummy, skin to skin. But I feel it every time I hold him. There is a tingling sensation where it's almost like I can feel his soul & he can feel mine. It's amazing.

I had heard a bit of information on the addiction of touch a few years ago. It was about chemical reactions that happen when you touch someone you love. These reactions are almost like an addiction when processed in the brain. I definitely felt this when I would hold Bill's hand, or when we would hug & hold each other. I would feel a sensation of fullness where I would describe it as our souls becoming one. With Logan, this sensation is ten times stronger. This sensation isn't "our souls becoming one", but more like our souls are speaking to each other. It's on a completely different level.

My pregnancy, delivery & life with Logan is one of the most incredible, fulfilling times of my life. I can't believe there was ever a time where I was thinking about not having a baby. I'm glad that I snapped out of that one, because I couldn't imagine missing out on these experiences. The unconditional, unexplainable love that I have for this little baby makes up for all of the sickness, pain & discomforts of pregnancy & the challenges of life with a newborn. I have never felt love like this or have ever been so happy in all of my life. I have a wonderful husband & a cute little son. My life is feeling purposeful & complete. Finally.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Last night was a repeat of the night before.
But this time to get Logan to sleep, we had to sleep together on the futon (because I don't feel comfortable with him in the bed due to SIDS). After I was holding him all day, Bill got home late last night & took over. It didn't last very long. Bill seems to think that Logan doesn't like to be held by him. I just think Logan doesn't like to be away from me...already. I didn't think attachments like this started so young. Every time Bill would hold him, he would cry. Then I would come & pick him up & he would stop (sometimes it took some rocking effort though). I think Bill just needs a little more practice. He is still a bit timid when he holds him. Logan likes to be held close & tight & rocked quite vigorously. Bill almost thought I was inflicting "shaken baby syndrome" to which I replied "If that were the case, he would be screaming. Don't worry, his head is supported & he's not going to break. He gets nice & relaxed this way".

Bill had to get to bed earlier because of work, but tried to stay up with us. By 12:45 am, I told him that he should probably get to bed, it might be a while. Logan & I were up until 2:00 am (again). Every time I attempted to get up to get us to bed, he would wake right up. I finally decided that we were going to sleep upstairs in the loft on the futon. It's a really comfortable place to sleep & I'm not worried about SIDS on there. Logan fits nicely on his back in the crook of my arm with his head on my shoulder. It worked out really well. He woke up every 3 hours to eat & it was easy to get him back to sleep or calm him down if he got fussy. It was a lot less stressful than the night before. I just don't want this to become a habit. I like sleeping in my bed next to Bill. It feels really strange not being with him at night, especially since I don't see him at all during the day. we have a co-sleeper in the room, but it seems like Logan wants to be on top of me when he sleeps. Maybe he wants to be back inside the womb.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Logan has changed overnight.
He used to eat, get a diaper change & go back to sleep. This was the routine all day long. It was a nice routine. I could get things done, take long hot showers & get some good naps in (when I really felt like sleeping). Well, as of last night, he has decided that he's not that interested in sleep as much as he used to be. We went to bed around 11 ish, but Logan had a different plan. He (& I) didn't get to bed until after 2 am. The minute I put him down he would start to fuss. I would pick him back up, rock him to sleep & put him down again. Multiple times he would wake up just as I was getting to sleep. It was very frustrating. He also wet through 3 different outfits in an hour & a half. Being super cold in the house & half way naked that early in the morning sure didn't help him either.

This morning when he woke up, he has now decided that not only is he not going to sleep as much, but I have to hold him all of the time. He won't go into his crib to try & sleep. He won't chill out in the swing unless he feels like it. Mostly, he wants me to hold & carry him everywhere. I was making breakfast earlier today when I found out about his sudden change. I had to hold him while I ate my waffles. Talk about tricky. I would look down at him & see that he was asleep & try to put him down, but the minute I got up he would wake up again. I hope this means that he's going to sleep longer at night.

It's amazing that things can change so fast. Just as we were getting used to a routine, I have to problem solve & develop a new one. I had figured out the breast feeding situation, now I have to figure out the sleeping & napping situation. The tools that I have, like the swing & the binky aren't as reliable as they used to be either. I have to come up with new tools & coping techniques. Being a mom is a job that requires real skills. I feel like if I can do this, I can do anything.

The timing of his change is a little funny too. This is the first day that Bill had to go back to work. He is the glue that holds that gym together. Things were starting to fall apart while he was on his "vacation" (which it really was for him). Because he was going back to work, I didn't want to wake him up to help me last night. I also don't have a helping hand to cut up my waffles as I hold Logan or watch him while I brush my teeth & take a shower. This is the first day of the real thing. The stay at home mom routine. I think my left arm is going to get stronger than my right from holding Logan all of the time & I'm becoming more efficient at doing things one handed, until we get our Baby Bjorn. Then I'll be able to strap him on & do some stuff around the house. What a little monkey he is.

Friday, February 10, 2006

There is a big difference between mothering & fathering.
Mothering is a natural instinct. When Logan cries, it's like I automatically know what to do. I can pretty much tell what he wants & needs all of the time. It's almost like he's an extension of me. Fathering on the other hand is "on the job training". I can see why most fathers don't get involved with taking care of a newborn. It's very frustrating for them. They don't have a clue what to do.

Bill is hanging in there really well. I know that he gets frustrated, but he never gives up. He says he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep, but he'll still hold & rock him at night. He still holds the baby very cautiously, like he's going to break (where I feel like a monkey, slinging their baby around with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm careful, but confident). I think that the majority of the frustration comes from Logan being fussy mostly when he's hungry, so that's where I have to come in. Bill is a master diaper changer & swaddler though. He's also the person that keeps me grounded & talks sense into me (like when I freak out about Logan spitting up so much & want to call the Doctor. He calms me down & assures me that everything is ok, which it is). I'm really glad he's being patient. He's such a great dad.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Wow, I had no clue.
Everyone says that you do a lot of laundry when you have kids, but I didn't think that it would be this much. Other than feeling like a dairy cow, I also feel like I own a laundromat. Between his spitting up & leaky diapers, he goes through 4-5 different outfits (onesie & a sleeper or jumper), 7-8 burp cloths & 2-3 blankets a day. We like to call these "costume changes".

We noticed something funny about those costume changes too. We try to find the most simple, easy to put on & take off outfits. Forget about all of the cute clothes, like the 3 piece outfits, that we found at boutiques & other baby departments. We used to get so excited about finding those outfits too. It's all about being practical right now. My how priorities change. I'll get him dressed in those cute clothes soon, maybe when we have company or decide to venture out in 3-4 weeks (when his immune system is a little bit stronger). But for now, I'm keeping it to the basics. He still looks really cute though.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Here is the birth announcement that Bill finished last night.
I'm really glad that he knows about graphic arts & how to use photoshop. It saved us a lot of money & how cool is to say that you actually made the announcement too.
Well, last night was interesting.
Lesson number one: start watching the clock when Logan is eating. They say not to, but I think that applies to women who's milk flow is normal. I wasn't paying attention & just letting him finish on each side. Well, he got too full & outright puked everywhere. It reminded me of a frat boy who dared to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Yes, there was that much volume coming out. Shocked, I just looked at the mess all over me, soaked to my underwear, the cloth diaper soaked all the way through, the computer chair soaked & huge puddles on the floor. I felt really bad.

Earlier tonight I decided to pump & see how much he was getting. In a loose 10 minutes I was able to get 3 oz. The breast pump doesn't express as much as a baby would either. I researched a little on the net to see how much he should be able to eat. The maximum capacity of his stomach at this age is about 1.5-2 oz. Well, no wonder why he's spitting up (or throwing up) all of the time. He eats for about 10 minutes...on each side. I am officially a dairy cow with an over production of milk. Now I've figured out how to slow things down & make it easier for him to eat. So far, so good. Thank God for the internet!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

My baby boy is growing up so fast....ALREADY!
I swear, every time I wake him up, he looks older & bigger. It's freaky. It makes me very happy that I'm staying home with him, otherwise if I were to drop him off at daycare, I would feel like I was picking up what seemed like a different child everyday.

He is starting to smile & make all sorts of faces. There is the grumpy man face, the wide eyed surprised face & my favorite, the scrunched up-don't put that binky in my mouth face, which is the same as the I'm going to bite you really hard when I'm eating face. I didn't think that was supposed to happen until he was six weeks old. He's six days. He smiles at me all the time, especially after eating. I tested it out to make sure it wasn't a fluke (or gas) & it's not. He & Bill were sticking their tongues out at each other last night too. It was pretty cute.

Logan is a typical boy. Messy is the only word to describe him. That & he eats all of the time in mass quantities. The nurse who came by to do a check up on him yesterday weighed him on the scale. He's gained 6 oz. in 3 days. She confirmed that I had enough milk for triplets & that he was eating well. My Aunt Meg & cousins had sent a "baby shower in a box" with all sorts of great gifts. One of them was a pack of cloth diapers. I was thrilled because they are the perfect size to catch his spit up, leaky breast milk & the now often "trifecta of chaos"-stream of pee accompanied with spit up everywhere while trying to catch a new batch of poop after I've already taken off the dirty diaper. He also can't seem to keep his hands off of his little johnson as well. Typical boy.

Monday, February 06, 2006

What an experience so far!
There are many skills that help to have when you are a new mom. Patience, flexibility, creativity & the ability to multi task, just to name a few. Last night was a time to practice creativity & multi tasking.

Logan has his little quirks. He will not eat if he has a messy diaper (I don't blame him). However, he never cries to let us know that he needs to be changed. I don't find out until I wake him up to eat & by that time he's ready & hungry. I usually end up changing him, feeding him & then changing him again. So last night he needed to eat, get a bath & a diaper change all at the same time. He wouldn't eat with the messy diaper, but was too hungry to take a bath first & I was trying to be frugal with the diapers (because he's going through so many of them). So, I take off the diaper, wipe him down & drape a wash cloth between his legs. He was ready to eat then. I thought it was pretty smart, until he pooped (which made me jump) & then he peed on me. Bill thought that was pretty funny.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Is it just me, or is this whole baby thing really easy?
Our transition home has been a piece of cake. I don't know if I have a really good baby (which I think he is anyway) or people complain about a whole lot of nothing. We are on a nice little routine where Logan eats every 2-3 hours durring the day & every 3-4 hours at night. He is not only the eating champion of the hospital, but now the pooping champion of the house. This kid is doubling the "standard" number of diaper changes for his age & I've never done so much laundry in all of my life. What an over achiever!

My milk came in yesterday & let's just say that if I ever get augmented, I'll know what I'll look like. The engorgement was so bad that I slept with ice packs on my chest. It didn't really hurt, but more so felt like they were going to explode. They've settled down a bit today however, they now leak at the drop of a hat. I'm getting the feeling that I have enough milk for triplets. It's been so much that Logan eats too much & spits up often. He had a projectile spit up that startled me last night & a smaller one that came out of his nose this morning. Yummy, I know. I'm starting to carry a burping cloth with me at all times now.

We also had Bill's mom & sister visiting this weekend. I'm glad that it was just a few days, because I did get that "crazy over protective" feeling while they were here. Not so much with his sister, but with his mom. The only time I ever touched Logan was when he needed to eat & get his diaper changed. Otherwise he was taken hostage. I kept telling myself in the back of my head to not freak out, she lives in another state & is only going to see him a handful of times during the year (unless they end up moving out here). The craziness did put me on edge with a few breast feeding comments though.

A few minutes before they arrived, I changed Logan's diaper, but then he proceeded to pee all over (even being covered). So I got him cleaned up with a sponge bath, but he was getting upset because he was hungry. They got here just as I was getting him dressed & ready to eat. He eats for about 10 minutes on each side & 5 minutes into it Bill's mom yells out "Are you done yet? Cause I'm ready to hold him!" For cryin' out loud, I know it's exciting & all, but calm down. All I could do is roll my eyes & tell her that he will be finished in 15 minutes. Meanwhile I can hear them talking about diaper changes & poop consistency & she says "well, that's what you can expect from a breast fed baby", almost like it's a bad thing.

Later that afternoon, it was getting close to the time that Logan needed to eat. He was comatose (he probably gets that from me) & I needed to wake him up. When I explained that he needed to eat, she looked at me & quickly said, "He's not awake yet". I was just a little annoyed when I explained that he's on a schedule & if I don't wake him up, he'll sleep for hours on end (to which I would be up all night long). The straw that almost broke the camels back was after dinner when I was dealing with spit up & engorgement, she commented about how "that's the difficult thing about breast feeding, you never know how much they are getting". To which I exclaimed (most likely with a little edge in my tone), "I'm not going to formula feed, at all". I think she got it because afterward she was saying how good breast feeding was for Logan.

I was really anxious at the end of the night when he needed to eat again ( this time she got the hint). However, she took forever to try & wake him up, very slowly undressing him & quietly calling his name (which in no way was going to do anything but take up time) the meanwhile my chest almost rock solid with pressure. I was proud of myself for keeping my composure while ringing my hands & quietly taking deep breaths.

Everyone left this afternoon & now I can finally hold & cuddle my baby. It's strange how strong the mothering instinct is. I really hope that it's not going to be like this every visit, because they are coming back in two weeks.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Logan's first pictures

Kristin & Logan Hanging out after a bath

A couple of Logan's first bath pictures

Making a funny face while getting changed

Looking cute

At the hospital

Mom & baby recovering after a lot of work & excitement

Friday, February 03, 2006

Logan is finally here!!!!!
He was born Tuesday, January 31st at 7:59 pm. Weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz., 18 1/2 inches long & a 13 3/4 inch head.

Tuesday morning after being in the tub forever, Bill came home & brought me breakfast. I actually ate it in the tub. I just couldn't seem to leave the comfort of the water. When I did (because I was turning into a prune), I would climb into bed & try to sleep (yeah, right). When a contraction hit, I was on all fours on the bed, swaying back & forth. After it ended I tried to lay on my side to rest. I alternated between the bed & the tub until about 12:30 pm. Then it really hit me. While in the tub, I was in so much pain all I could do is moan & that wasn't even helping. Then I got sick. Really sick. So much for breakfast. I called out for Bill, "Let's go now!" I thought I was in transition & might not make it to the hospital in time. He started getting the rest of the bag packed & I got dressed (leaving the house without a jacket) & we were on the road.

We get to the hospital & the labor & delivery parking lot is full. We notice a couple of women just hangin out in their car. Bill honks at them & asks if they are waiting for someone. "No, we're just smoking", says the driver. "Can you move? I'm in labor!" I yelled at her. Parking in a laboring woman's parking spot is worse than parking in the hadicaped place. We get parked & Bill helps me out of the car. I can barely walk. It feels like I've been stabbed with a sword in my side. We get up to the desk to check in & there's no receptionist. I'm leaning over the counter moaning & a nurse walks out & gets a wheel chair for me. We get into the labor room & the same great nurse that saw me the night before came in to check my progression. She asked if I was going to get an epidural. "If I don't have that much farther to go, then I want to try it without". So she checks & tells me that I'm 3 cm. "Shit! You've got to be kidding me! With all of that work at home?!" Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. So I readily agreed to the epidural.

The anesthesiologist comes in to get me set up. The contractions were right on top of the other & I wasn't getting much of a break. He gave me the local (which was really painful) & then got everything started. Just as he had finished, my water broke. All I can say is THANK GOD for modern medicine. If I didn't have the epidural, contractions after the waters are broken get more difficult. The timing was perfect. The medicine kicked in & it was like heaven. I could relax & breath & everything seemed more controlled. A couple of hours later I got checked again & was now at 5 cm. Bill & I took a nap & when we woke up & got checked again, I was at 10 cm. "You can start pushing whenever you want", said the Doctor surprizingly. I could feel Logan moving farther & farther down with each contraction (that I didn't feel). I decided to let him move down on his own & let things stretch out a bit. So we did "passive decent" for about 30-45 minutes until I felt like he was right there. I never really had the urge to push, but I did feel like he was "slipping" out.

I got checked again & everyone was surprised that he was right there. I pushed for 30-45 minutes. The pushing went well even though I couldn't really feel the muscles that I was supposed to use. The next thing I know, they have all of the room set up & out he comes, just like that. They put him on my stomach & clean him up. Bill is in tears, I'm just shocked & extatic. It was the most surreal experience of my life. All of a sudden, here is this little person who seemed to be my "imaginary friend" for so long, looking at me. They stitch me up (I had a 2nd degree tear) & they check Logan out. He was perfect. 8 & 9 apgar scores, he wasn't blue (which is unusual for high altitude births) & he made the most expressive faces. He latched on to feed 15 minutes after he was born & has never stopped eating since.

We were moved to the Mother & Baby unit to recover. I felt great. Tired, thirsty & starving, but great. The first night went well. I didn't sleep much because Logan was cluster feeding every hour. I didn't seem to bother me or tire me out though. The next morning all of the Doctors, nurses & staff come in & out to do their stuff. We talked to the lactation specialist about Logan constantly eating. She said that he was the feeding champion of the hospital that day & if all babies ate like him, she would be out of a job. So that was good! Bill & I were talking about leaving that afternoon, but many people suggested that we stay. The nurse from our insurance company actually cancelled the circumcision for the day & said that it would be best to stay another night even if I felt fine. I am so glad that we took their advice. Logan was up crying all night (very gassy on both ends) & we were at our wits end. I hit my breaking point. After practically no sleep since Sunday, hormones changing, body healing & baby crying (which really does affect moms emotionally) & cried along with him. If we were at home, I probably would have freaked out. Because we were at the hospital with a team of nurses that I could call at the drop of a hat, it was much more comforting.

We stayed all of the next day for a total of 48 hours. It was the best decision that we could have made. I felt much more confident about taking care of him & how I was healing up. Every hour just gets better & better. Now that we are home, it really is starting to feel like we are a family. The dogs have been good. Beck is oblivious to anything & Buddha had an automatic babysitter instinct kick in. He barks when Logan cries, but it's more of a "concerned" bark than anything. Kitty didn't know what to think at first, but she has now become a great help in keeping Logan awake when he eats (he's terrible about instantly falling asleep latched on). She will sniff him & lick his hair, but mostly just kicks back & watches. She was pretty upset that she won't be sleeping with us anymore though. She tried to break into the room all night long.

So today was our first "real" day at home & I think everything will be all right. We are getting the hang of day & night time routines & getting settled in. What an adventure! But I would do it all over again (so far).