Thursday, May 31, 2007

16 months
Logan, Logan, Logan. You're getting way too big, way too fast. I know, you can't help it & you'd rather not be small forever. I get it. It's just you're clearly not a baby, even though I still call you one.

I really appreciate your sleeping in every morning. I feel spoiled that I don't have to get out of bed until 8am, sometimes later. When people talk about stay at home moms having it easy, lounging around all day, I feel guilty because I'm getting up just as "working" people are driving to the office. Not that the rest of the day is easy, but I least I get to rest up before the day.

Now, this is where we need to talk. Meal time. What's the deal? Why do you insist on throwing your food all over the floor? Mommy's getting really tired of telling you to stop & even more tired of cleaning it up. Thankfully, Buddha has earned his keep (& more weight) by helping me out a bit. How about you help mommy out too? It would be awesome if you would sign "all done" when you're finished, or not interested in eating. And I know you're still learning how to use utensils, but keep it up! Forks & spoons get the food in your mouth & not all over the floor.

You know though, you make up for your little monkey mayhem behavior when we play. Oh, it is so, so, so cute how you like to constantly read books. Sometimes it gets old reading the same one over & over again, but how I can I be irritated? We're reading books! Our morning cartoon cuddles are tons of fun too. I hope you never grow out of this.

We've been really busy during our weeks with playgroups & trips to the gym. You are quite the social butterfly. At playgroup, you run around, laughing & screaming with your friends. I absolutely LOVE watching you play with them. You just look so happy & cute. You've been doing really well at the gym's daycare too. You play so well, letting mommy workout for 2 hours (sometimes a little bit more) at a time. This is so nice of you. I'm really thankful for this break you let me have. My favorite time is when I'm finished with my workout & I sneak into the daycare room to spy on you. I watch you play with toys & kids, wandering around the room. I'll watch for a few minutes, then call out your name. When you look up, totally surprised that I'm there, just the look on you face makes my day.

You are a quick study, my little man. Your friend, Little M taught you how to play "ring around the rosies". It's funny as funny can get when I sing the song to you & no matter what you're doing, you "fall down". You also know many of the pictures in your books, body parts & requested actions (most often "blast off"). You pick up on signs very fast, but you're stubborn & will only show then to me when you want. Last night was a lot of fun though. I tried to teach you how to say "cheers". Not that I expected you to actually say that yet, but you did understand that we clink our sippy cups (your cup & mommy's drink) when we say it. I can't wait for you to do this at playgroup, clinking sippy cups with your friends. I think I will die laughing if you actually say "cheers" while doing it.

I do have a favor to ask of you though. Will you please mellow out with the temper tantrums? The screaming really gets to me & quite frankly, I'm tired of listening to you cry when you have to go on time out. If you would just listen to me, not throw your toys or scream at the top of your lungs, you wouldn't have to sit there. It's a simple as that! Listening to me would make both of our lives easier. I know it can be hard for you. Believe me. I now understand how alike we are. I'm constantly reminding myself of how I respond to demands & commands. Not very well. We're definitely related when it comes to this attitude. So, let's make a deal. You play nicely & listen to mommy, I'll be more patient, giving you options rather than barking orders. Sound good? Good. I hope this works out.

Your Dad & I both love you so much. We constantly talk about how cute you are. Your Dad beams with pride every single day saying, "We have the cutest baby in the world". I don't think he got the memo about you being a boy & not a baby, but just like me, I think he'll keep calling you a baby for a while. Watching the two of you do "boy stuff" is hilarious. Wrestling & making messes, all of the things that boring Mom won't let you do. I think the relationship that the two of you have is so special. It melts my heart.

So listen, Kiddo. You hold up your end of the bargain & I'll hold up mine. You stop throwing food, screaming (oh, & be easier about brushing your teeth & diaper changes too). I'll make sure we keep doing fun stuff together & I won't ask you to stop growing up. I'll try my best to be patient about you learning how to talk too. I know you're getting tired of me asking you to say things all of the time. So, I'll relax a bit. Let's just have fun this month playing outside, running through the sprinklers, "swimming" in your new pool & going to the park.

I'm really proud of the little boy you're growing up to be. You're cute, smart, strong, sweet, funny, loved & special. I love you more than I could ever express.


Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I think I'm going to give it a shot
Bill & I watch The Food Network regularly. There are so many great shows, with my personal favorites being the food competitions. I think the competitions showcase how food and the skill of cooking/baking is an art. I'm mesmerized by the creativity demonstrated in every dish. We also joke around about the "flavor profiles" of every entry, judging them from a far, giving them either the thumbs up or thumbs down based on ingredients.

Every single time I watch a competition, I secretly (or sometimes, not so secretly) wish I were right there in the kitchen stadium. I immediately start thinking about what recipe I would submit and if I could even compete with talented cooking contest competitors. "That would be so much fun", I say to Bill. Every. Single. Episode.

Last night we watched the Build a Better Burger contest. I piped up with my "I think that would be so much fun" comment & instantly thought of what burger recipe I would create. After watching the winner collect $50,000 for their creative concoction, I thought to myself, "I need to try out because I can totally do this". And, I've only been thinking about entering a competition for pretty much 7 months or longer. It's time to actually submit some recipes.

So, I've bookmarked about 11 competitions varying from $500 monthly contests to $50,000 & $1,000,000 yearly contests that I haven't missed deadlines for. I'm also going to keep an eye out for holiday cookie bake-off's & other baking events.

I've also thought about how fabulous it's going to be testing all of these recipes out. I've decided that I won't be the taste tester (because I would rather not gain 100 lbs doing this), but we'll have "testing parties" where all of our friends will come over to critique my creations. Seriously! How fun is that!?

I still have time (1 day) to submit a recipe for the May monthly contest. It's for smoothie recipes. Considering that I used to work at a smoothie bar & that's actually where Bill & I met (we used to work there together), I think I can whip something up in a day. We'll see how it goes!

***Update: Recipes have been submitted for the smoothie competition. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!***

Monday, May 28, 2007

The clock is ticking
I feel it. I feel it inside my chest like a burning in my heart. I feel the emotion; the lump in my throat when I think about it. I'm getting baby fever & it's starting to scare me.

I've been thinking about having another baby off & on for quite some time now. I've been on the fence. Some days I would think, No Way. Logan is going to be an only child. Other days, it's the opposite & I can't imagine our family as just three. I think about the pregnancy & how I can't possibly go through that again. Then I think about Logan's birth & how it was the most amazing & fun (yes, FUN!) experience in my life. Ever. Back & forth, one side to the other, not really feeling swayed to either side. Until yesterday.

For some reason, as we were driving home, Bill mentioned how we needed a bigger house. We needed a 4 bedroom, 2 bath home. I agreed, but at the time, I didn't ask why he thought that. Or wondered why I agreed. Really, if it's just the three of us, we don't need another bedroom. We may need a bigger house, as in square footage, because we're getting a little cramped & Logan needs some more play space, but not another bedroom.

That comment stuck with me. Last night, I remembered that Memorial Day is the two year anniversary of the positive pregnancy test. If we were to have a second baby, they would be two years apart now. I've always thought that between two & three years was a good spacing to plan for. Holy smokes, the two year gap starts now. Tick, tick, tick, tick......

"Are you absolutely positive that you want Logan to be our only child?", I asked Bill as I was wiping Logan's face after dinner. "Yeah", he quickly replies. "Why is that? What makes you so sure?" "Money", was his answer. That's his answer for anything & everything. Which I can understand, but biology is clouding my logic.

"I've been thinking about it. A lot. I'm starting to think about it a little more in depth. I've thought that if we were to have another baby, the timing feels right. Our health insurance has been straightened out so I have prenatal coverage again. If I were to get sick like I did with Logan, I have a lot of support from MOMS Club & I'm sure they would be happy to help us out if we needed it. We really wouldn't need to buy much more than we have now. We have a lot of the big ticket items that Logan's grown out of & we could use those again. I've just been thinking about it. A lot", I tried to explain.

"I don't want to talk about it", was his response.

So I left it at that. I didn't tell him that the MOMS Club would throw me a baby shower & that would help out with things we didn't have (I never had one for Logan because of the gym fiasco), or go into more detail about how it really wouldn't cost that much more. I didn't explain to him that we can't start trying right now, because I would have to get a "tune up"; get my blood work done & an ob/gyn check up, finally get my cavities filled (after a month of fighting with insurance companies) & I would have to really work hard in the gym to prep for the possibility of going though HG again. I have to add 10 pounds of muscle, because I would bet my life that my strength & endurance was the only reason I managed to live with HG with only one trip to urgent care to get re-hydrated. There are a few things I have to do to prepare for another pregnancy.

I also didn't explain to him that in the months that I get ready, he would have time to ready himself as well. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, & we'll be able to find a bigger house. He's already been looking for a job that isn't commission based so that our income would be more predictable. Hopefully he finds one soon (as in the next month) & he would feel better about our financial stability.

I never mentioned to him that our life is different now. When I planned for Logan, the reasons for wanting to become a mother were very deep & emotional. And while our life & marriage are a million times better than a few years ago, it was probably the wrong reason to start a family (not that I planned for Logan to "save" our marriage). I think about why I want another baby. It's not to fill a void or empty space in me, but our family. I've grown tremendously as a woman, wife & mother. I don't feel like I need to "be better" or more significant. We just don't feel whole as a family. It's not that I need us to feel "even", wanting a girl either. As cliche as it sounds, there's someone missing. A person. Logan's little brother or sister. Just typing that out gets me choked up. This is why I'm really giving it more thought & consideration. There's something in me, deep in my heart, that's letting me know there's someone else waiting to be a part of our family. It's a feeling that's really hard to ignore.

While the logistics are beginning to line up, there's that little voice of doubt in the back of my mind. Can I really handle two kids? I mean, there are days I want to pull out my hair & scream (there are days that I have). Can I handle two kids crying & fussing at the same time? Can I multi-task? Can I live with being pulled into two directions at the same time? Can I be the best mom that I can be (or that I'm trying to be) to two kids, or will I just be best with one? I have become more patient as a person, but have I become patient enough? Even though there have been some tough times as a mother, not once have I ever regretted my decision. I have never reminisced about pre-family life, wishing I could go back. Would becoming a mother of two be too much for me? Would I regret this decision? I constantly worry about Logan. Can I handle worrying about two kids?

I'm not as naive as I was about pregnancy & parenthood like I was before Logan. I know what I would be getting into (kind of). That's why Logan was such an easy decision. I didn't know the whole story. Thinking about adding to our family this time around is a much more difficult decision, because it's scary.

I'm so confused. There's so much to think about. We'll never have "enough" money. If we had waited for that, we wouldn't have Logan. It's so hard to think clearly about the concrete details when I feel that little person wanting to join us.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Back to normal & out of the river in Egypt
Memorial Day weekend family visits are over & I couldn't be happier. It wasn't absolutely horrible, but it wasn't that much fun either.

Friday morning Logan & I joined a few moms for a stroller walk on a nearby trail. We walked forever & I ended up losing track of time. My dad & his girlfriend were driving out that morning & were supposed to call me when they got into town. Well, he called...after they had been in town for a few hours. I was still on the trail & had too run back to the car so they didn't have to wait in out driveway. Logan lost a flip flop & I didn't have time to run back to find it. R.I.P cute flip flop.

I got home & they had only been waiting at the house for a minute. Logan was being really shy & clingy. We (or I, really) played with him for a while & we went out for lunch. It was good & Logan was cute & not too unruly. He had to go down for a nap & we decided to meet up again when he woke up.

Logan took a marathon nap for a few hours. He woke up super grumpy too. Dad & D came back to the house & Logan just wanted to sit on my lap. He didn't want to play with them at all. I actually had to turn on Classical Baby to cheer him up before we left to go to the park. When Bill came home from work, we all hung out at the park for a bit & then went out for dinner. Logan was a stinker & I had to take him outside for time out. After we were finished eating, we got up to leave & as we were walking out, I noticed Logan had a blowout. Lovely. However, he enjoyed riding in the car in just a clean diaper & t-shirt (because I forgot to pack extra clothes).

That night was a little rough because of the increasing anxiety of dealing with Bill's family the next day. Bill & I were able to vent about some things & clear our heads. It got us on the same page (or just confirmed to each other that we were already there).

Saturday morning we met up with my dad & D again for breakfast. It was short as they had to get back home soon. Logan was nice enough to let my dad hold him for a minute before they left. We went back home for a few hours when both Logan & Bill took really long naps. I couldn't sleep if my life depended on it.

When Logan woke up, we went to Aunt Ju-Ju's to meet up with Bill's family. Aunt Ju-Ju wasn't there, but Uncle J & Baby B were, as well as Bill's parents. Grandma L went about pretending like nothing ever happened. That really bothered me. Grandpa L just smoked & pouted. We hung out at the house for a while, while Logan continued to be shy & clingy. He didn't want to leave my side & if he wasn't on my lap, then he was squished in between me & Bill on the couch.

After a bit, we decided to head out to the farm. Uncle J & Baby B stayed home, so it was just us with the grandparents. When we got there, I let Logan out of his stroller & he just ran off having fun. He was so happy & so excited. He picked up rocks (& proceeded to carry them around the entire farm the whole time we were there) & threw sand. He pointed at all of the animals. He made a couple of friends while he was there too. He met another little boy by the sheep. They picked up rocks & pointed at sheep together. Then he met another little boy by the duck pond. They had fun showing each other where the ducks were.

After constant running, playing on the playground there & many trips & falls that resulted in a scraped up forehead & bloody knees, we were ready to go home & get Logan down for a nap. The farm was more fun than I anticipated, mostly because Logan was independent & wanted to do his own thing. He was also too fast for the grandparents to keep up with him.

Logan took another marathon nap (running around a farm wears a boy out!) & woke up right before dinner. I fed him dinner at home because they were making a meal that wasn't toddler friendly. We got there only to discover Baby B had a fever (gee, it would've been nice to let us know so Logan doesn't get sick). I gave Logan his cracker cup while the rest of us ate dinner. When Logan became comfortable there, he ran around exploring. Aunt Ju-Ju hasn't baby proofed the house yet, so it was a pain in the butt making sure Logan didn't stick his fingers the outlets, pull down the curtains from the rods & stick his fingers in the candle that was lit on the coffee table (that I promptly blew out, but he wanted to play with the hot wax).

One thing was for sure, Logan didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family. He would watch them from a distance, but wouldn't "perform" for them, or go within 10 feet of them either. That made it easy for me because I didn't have to deal with grabby grandma or enforce the hand washing/shirt changing rule for Grandpa L. Logan did hang out with Baby B for a little bit, but not much because he was sitting too close to the grandparents. It was quickly getting late & way passed Logan's bedtime, so we left.

We met up with the grandparents & the friends that they were staying with for breakfast. Their friends are grandparents too & this grandma is just as obnoxious about respecting people's comfort levels & personal space. She tried her best to lure Logan away, but he wasn't falling for it. After breakfast we got up to leave, but ended up hanging out in front of the restaurant (waiting for Grandpa L to finish another cigarette) , where Grandma L's friend tried to give Logan a hug while I was holding him. He promptly pushed her away. She laughed about it & I kept my mouth shut because Logan was doing a good job of holding his own & communicating about his comfort levels. We said our good bye's (including the most fake hug ever from Grandma L) & we left.

So nothing major happened, but Logan's independence was a huge relief for me. He was able to make known what he was comfortable with. I know Bill's parent's are a little pissed that Logan didn't want to go near them, but that's the way he wanted it. Bill & I tried to encourage him to go read books & play with them & stop clinging onto us. He wasn't going for it. I've known from the very beginning of his life what he is comfortable with (moms tend to know that about their kids), especially from how upset he got during his stranger anxiety phase. It was nice to hear it straight from the horses mouth.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The circus comes to town
And so it begins. The family festivities on Memorial Day weekend. It sounds like it will be a busy weekend. With what, I'm not sure.

My dad & his girlfriend are driving down tomorrow morning. They should be here in the early afternoon right as Logan goes down for his morning nap. Bill will be at work all day, so I figure when Logan wakes up, we can go out to lunch, spend some time at the park & maybe do some shopping with my dad & D. They plan on leaving Saturday morning, but I'm not sure what time.

Then there's Saturday afternoon/evening with Bill's family. I'm trying my best not to feel like a dead man walking, but it's hard, given the fact that Aunt Ju-Ju won't even speak to me, nor will Bill's parents for that matter. I've had my anxiety in check & it's been surprisingly mild until typing this out. Now I'm nervous & getting tightness in my chest. And it's not from my workout, either.

I suppose my biggest concerns are not getting bullied (or allowing myself to be) & standing my ground with the boundaries. The big triggers that I foresee are Bill's parent's stepping in to discipline Logan (which I know I will have to do there. Logan will undoubtedly have a temper tantrum at some point) & reminding Grandpa L that if he smokes (which he of course, will) that he has to wash his hands & change his shirt before playing with Logan again. Last time (at Christmas) we left with Logan & all of his toys reeking like a pack of Marlboro's. Because I will say something about it (& I pray that Bill will say something before I do), I'm expecting World War III to start.

I'm not looking to start any fights, but I will express my feelings & concerns (in a calm manner) about any overstepping, rude passive aggressive comments or disrespect. I think I'm nervous because I know I'm more confidant about how to deal with them & that I have grown more of a spine, but I fear the end result. I don't know why. It's not like it can get any worse.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Time to jump back on the wagon
This afternoon we were at playgroup. It was fun, the moms chatted about typical moms stuff; time outs, the fun moms night out, potty training, etc. The kids were playing happily clinging onto sack cups & sippy cups.

Logan was his cute little self & only had one time out for throwing a very large toy that almost hit Little L in the head. Everyone was impressed that he sat in the corner knowing that he was in trouble. Shortly after Logan got out, Little L went in for disobeying her mother. Playgroups are quickly becoming a two hour "learning session" for the kids. Learning about not throwing toys, the importance of sharing, using inside voices & the like.

One thing I learned today is that Logan is a quick study. Not only does he know about time out & how it works, but he showed me that he's catching up on communication. About a half hour before we were "scheduled" to leave, he starts walking around signing "bye-bye". I was pleasantly surprised & asked him if he was sure. He ran off playing a little bit more & 15 minutes later, comes back signing "bye-bye" again. I asked him if he was ready to get his shoes on (he instantly knows we're going somewhere when asked this question) & he walked up to the diaper bag & pointed to his shoes that were inside. I sat him on the chair & put his shoes on. He was ready to go.

So, as Logan is learning about appropriate behavior & communication, I'm learning that I need to step up to the plate & help him out a little more. It's time get back to signing again, which I'm sure will cut down the temper tantrums a whole lot too.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I'm exhausted from it all
Whoa. Tired isn't even the word for how I feel after the last two days. It was worth it though, because it was a lot of fun. Being dead tired was a small price to pay.

Monday night was Moms Night Out at The Melting Pot. I got a call from my workout/photographer friend asking if I wanted to hitch a ride with her & some of the other moms. Apparently someone decided to carpool because parking downtown is terrible & it gave the ride sharing moms an excuse to have an extra glass of wine. There were six of us in the "party bus".

We got to the restaurant & met the other moms there. We were a party of 9 & a loud one at that. We had a great time eating cheese dipped bread, fruit & veggies; delicious meats in oils & of course, the chocolate desserts. The company was great & the conversation was good. I only had one moment where I should have thought before I spoke (Am I the only one thinking about having an only?, at a table with only two other moms of single kids. Duh.) But, nonetheless, we had a fun time.

Then I got up at 6 am this morning to tidy up the house & start making muffins for the co-op meeting. I was planing on getting up at 7, but Logan started screaming (in his sleep) at 6. So, since I was up, I just got on with the day.

The muffins were scrumptious. Everyone loved them & the two dozen were almost completely devoured. I didn't even count how many people were in my living room. It was a lot. There were kids running around everywhere, screaming, crying, laughing, playing. It was all too much. It was sensory overload for me, that's for sure. Oddly enough, when Logan was ready for his morning nap (that I thought he would skip), he slept right through the riots just a few feet away from his bedroom door.

After the meeting, I tried to recoup & got ready to go to the gym to "train". I had to wake up Logan & give him a snack rather than lunch, because we didn't have time. He was good & didn't have a melt down in the daycare while I worked out with C.

We got home after working out for 2 hours & I could hardly keep my eyes open. I think I was able to catch a 20 min snooze when Logan went down for his short second nap. It really didn't help me out too much. I'm so tired that Logan is eating a hot dog for dinner for the first time ever (with summer squash, so at least he's getting something healthy).

And now...I'm off to bed as soon as Logan hit the sack.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Bullets: Because that's all I have time for today
  • I just organized a walking group with the MOMS Club. There are a few of us that are now meeting up twice a week to walk for an hour on different trails around town. So far, it's been fun!
  • I am hosting the first meeting for the babysitting co-op. There will be 17 moms & 23 kids. Our house is small & it gets cramped when we host playgroup with 4 moms & 4 kids. I'm excited, but I have no idea how all of these people are going to fit.
  • Moms night out is tonight. I am so excited!!! We're going to the Melting Pot for Ladies Night. There will be door prizes, chair massages & totally yummy food! I've been looking forward to this night since I found out about it last month!
  • The morning of the co-op meeting, I'm waking up early to make strawberry orange muffins from scratch.
  • Logan was the victim of a bite on the finger from another kid. It left huge teeth marks in his finger that lasted all day & all night.
  • M.O.M.M.Y needs C.O.F.F.E.E Both Bill & I got a terrible nights sleep last night. I think we got maybe an hour. It was not a good night.
Tomorrow's post should be interesting, with an update of Moms Night Out & the huge co-op meeting!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

180 degrees
As of this morning, Logan is now riding forward facing in his brand new car seat. We tried to keep him rear facing for as long as we possibly could, but now he's officially outgrown the weight & height requirements & needed to be turned around.

He loves it. And I mean, loves it.

He sits up higher & he can watch all of the cars driving next to us on the street. He can see Bill driving & me making faces at him from the side mirror. We roll his window down & his hair blows in the wind. He observes everything, happily kicking his feet. It's so cute.

It's also much easier to get him in & out of the car. There is even a nifty cup holder & snack tray for him. It has padding everywhere. This kid is riding in comfort.

It was hysterical when we first put him in. He didn't know what to think about it. You could see the confusion in his eyes, "wait! I'm supposed to be facing the other way!" But once he realized that this was the way it was going to be, he was grinning from ear to ear.

Wow, he's getting so big....

Friday, May 18, 2007

Ummm, well....
So is everyone tired of reading about toddler temper tantrums? Because I'm tired of writing about it, but that's all that seems to be going on right now. This afternoon we went to my photographer/training client's house to take some studio pictures of Logan. I styled his hair into his cute fauxhawk & brought all sorts of clothes & props.

Without going into long drawn out detail, there was lots of screaming & throwing of fits. It was exhausting. I think she got about 3 good pictures out of maybe 50. She'll have the gallery up for us to look at by Tuesday. We've already talked about trying again & seeing if we can catch him on a day when he's in a better mood. But on a positive note, the pictures that were good, were great. She was able to catch some super cute smiles in between the screams.

On top of Logan's wonderful behavior, I'm a little stressed out. There's the possibility that I'll have to host the first meeting for the babysitting co-op. This is all fine & dandy, but I counted the members who've signed up so far...16 moms, not counting their kids. Our house is small & I don't think we could fit more than five moms with kids. But, I'll find a way to make it happen. Maybe we could all hang out in the back yard or something. The positive note on this? It gives me an excuse to bake something totally delicious.

Then, there's Memorial Day weekend. I. am. super. stressed. about. this. When Bill talked to his mom & had The Conversation, she said that she wanted to "get all of this put behind her". She hasn't called or emailed me to apologize for attempting to cut me out of my own family & make me stay at home while everyone celebrates Logan's first Christmas without me (& the rest of the crap that she pulled). I wasn't holding my breath for this, but I was hoping for it. No such luck. Not only is she full of BS by saying that she wants to get this behind her & does nothing about it, but Bill has talked to Aunt Ju-Ju to see if we could meet & talk before we have the Memorial Day barbecue at their house. She refuses. I feel like I'm walking into the lions den. I'm still trying to find the positive in this one.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Well, this is another first for the books.
This morning we headed out to the grocery store. Grocery shopping is by far one of our favorite "chores". It's so fun to go & pick out delicious foods. This week was especially exciting because Bison is on sale (which is usually so outrageously priced, you would have to pay an arm & a leg for it). We try to go on "double savings day" where we can take advantage of the previous weeks sales & the current weeks sales. So, we love it not only because it's fun (& yeah, I feel like a total dork saying it's fun) but we feel so productive & shopping savvy.

Anyway, Logan didn't go down for his morning nap. He's still on this funky "I'll sleep whenever I want to" schedule, so I'm still having a hard time figuring out what days are one nap days & what days are two nap days. It's been funny talking about it with the moms in MOMS Club because they all lament, "Oh, Little L did that too. Logan is totally transitioning. It took Little L two months to get back on schedule". It's funny because while moms (& especially the moms in my MOMS Club) are supportive, there's always a sharing of battle stories. "Oh, you think this is bad, just wait until this happens"! I'm so to blame for pulling this too, especially with my sister & Baby M.

But, I digress...

Logan skipped his nap & we decided to risk it & go to the store anyway. We had a bunch of places we were going to shop at, but decided to just go grocery shopping & get back home quickly. Bill commented that Logan was turning into a grump as I was getting him in his car seat.

We got to the store, put Logan in the cart & walked through the door. Right at the entrance, they had a bunch of oranges displayed on sale. I parked Logan by the oranges, turned around to grab a plastic bag & noticed that he was reaching for an orange on the bottom of the pile. "Logan, don't grab the oranges", was all I said. You would have thought I told him that Buddha died given the reaction that started. He cried & cried & cried like it was the end of the world. It immediately occurred to me that this was a massive melt down & to respond ASAP.

I picked him up out of the cart. He continued to cry. I rummaged through the diaper bag to find a binky, which I only bring with "in case of an emergency". This qualified as an emergency. He still cried. I took him outside & he calmed down after minute. I thought things were cool & we walked back in the store, only to go into a second meltdown. I took him back outside. We did this three times.

This was frustrating. We tried to figure out a solution; Bill shopping for the meat (that's his job at the store) while I waited outside with Logan & then swapped so I could shop for the produce (that's my job). But we decided to retreat & come home so Logan could nap, then go back later.

So, wow. Our first time with a massive meltdown at the grocery store that moved us to up & leave. Aren't moments like this a badge on honor for parents?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I should have thought ahead
This afternoon was another workout day with my friend. It was an intense day with very little talking. We had a great time, but you know that when the conversation is at a minimum, you're getting your butt kicked.

After the workout, I bent over to pick Logan up. I could barely hold him because my arms were so tired & already sore. This is where I should have thought ahead. In the next two days, picking him up is going to be a tough job. I think I might have to hold his hand to walk him through the baby gates rather than pick him to lift him over. I might have to do diaper changes on the floor instead of on the changing table. This way the only time I'll absolutely have to pick him up will be to get him in bed & in his high chair. Good grief.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Celebrating the day my life really started
I've been thinking a lot about what Mother's Day means to me. My first inclination was to associate it with accolades of a "job well done". A day of appreciation for waking up when Logan cries, for making sure he eats healthy & well, reading books all day long, taking him to the park to play & not losing my marbles when he has a tantrum. It's also nice to think about having a specific day to recognize the sacrifices a mother makes for her family, like the lack of showers, sharing her own meals with a curious child & being subjected to children's TV programming. While mothers everywhere are celebrating with flowers, cards, special brunches & spa packages for things they do on a daily basis (& would do regardless of any holiday), I realized what Mother's Day really means to me.

It's a celebration of when my life really started.

Motherhood has changed me in so many ways & continues to each & every day. My life was never as fulfilling as it is now with a family. I used to wake up, work & go to bed, only to start the whole cycle all over again. It was an empty, boring & meaningless life. Bill & I were married, but it didn't feel like it at times, often missing that deep bond that we were longing for. It took Logan & my new role as a mother to really change my life.

To me, Mother's Day signifies the beginning of life. Not just Logan's, but mine as well. One of the biggest gifts that motherhood has brought me (other than Logan, of course) is the ability to feel on a much deeper level than ever before. I've often mentioned how motherhood has turned me into an emotional sap, where I cry at everything. Motherhood has given me the ability to feel actual feelings again & I'm no longer emotionally dead to myself & the rest of the world. I have deeper compassion for others & their experiences. Since having Logan, I cry when I hear about tragedies in the news, where before I only just felt sad. I cry when I read another mother's birth story. I just feel everything, from joy, fear, sorrow & love. Motherhood as added a depth of emotion that I don't think I could have discovered in any other way.

While it may be nice to receive gifts & acknowledgment from friends & family, today I celebrate myself. I'm thankful for what I've accomplished, what I've learned & what I need to strive for to be a better Mom. Today I celebrate the beginning of my life & all the gifts that motherhood has given me.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Perfect for a Friday
I got tagged from Erica yesterday & let me tell you, the timing couldn't be better as I have nothing to write about today. Yeah, there's new developments in the transitioning from two naps to one (where I've found some very helpful information) & hopefully this limits the temper tantrums a bit, but hello! Boring! This is all I'm writing about these days.

So here we go....

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Eve
2) Sarah
3) Elizasmom
4) A Lifetime
5) The Life & Times of a First Time Stay at Home Mom

Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already & if you don't want to, it's cool)
1) Afterthoughts
2) The House of H
3) Life As We Know It
4) Mom of 2 and Wife of 1
5) JezeWhiz

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Let's see...I was 17. I was a Junior in high school making cookies for the missionaries with my friends. This was also the summer I started coaching kids soccer teams.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Stressing about our house & having to look for other sources of income. This time last year sucked (including Mother's Day).

Five snacks you enjoy:
1). Chocolate
2). Potato chips
3). Frozen peas & carrots mix
4). Fruit
5). Steamed asparagus

Five songs that you know all the lyrics: (this is pathetic because they're all kids songs)
1). The Little Einsteins theme song-Disney
2). Big Rock Candy Mountain-Lisa Loeb
3). The Popcorn Song-Primary Song
4). The Coffee Song- Ralf Covert
5). At the Bottom of The Sea- Ralf Covert

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1). Buy a house & a few vacation homes (Cabin, beach, City Flat)
2). New cars (Porsche Cayenne)
3). Build our own fancy-pants, family friendly gym that would be the talk of the town
4). Save, save, save! (college, retirement, etc).
5). Get a house keeper & lawn service (but not a nanny)

Five bad habits:
1). Fidgeting
2). Swearing (this is getting better)
3). Watching too much TV
4). Impatience
5). Not drinking enough water

Five things you like doing:
1). Working out
2). Baking
3). Hiking
4). Listening to music
5). Organizing

Five things you would never wear again:
1). Any shirt that shows my stomach (until I get those six pack abs again)
2). Mini skirts
3). Vests
4). Combat Boots
5). Huge sunglasses (a'la the Olsen Twins. Never had them & never will)

Five favorite toys:
1). My iPod
2). My phone
3). My computer
4). My camera
5). Ummm, that's it

Thursday, May 10, 2007

When Mom's away, The Boys will play
This afternoon I was at the gym to workout with/train my friend while Bill stayed home with Logan on his lunch hour. Almost two hours later, I come home dead tired & dragging my fatigued butt & legs through the door.

"Hey. I just put him down for a nap", Bill says as I shut the front door. "I wore him out. Big time".

"Really?", I reply. "I was wondering about that because he just woke up from his morning nap when I was getting ready to leave for the gym. What did you two do?"

Very nonchalantly he tells me, "We took all of the coupons that came in the mail & threw them all over the floor. Then we ran around in them & laughed because they were sticking to our feet. That huge grocery bag up there is full of them. We had fun."

"Um. Sure sounds like it. This is why he gets all excited when you come home from work. You do crazy stuff like this with him. I'm just boring ol' Mom".

Seriously. Who does this? Running around the living room littered in coupons? My husband & my son. That's who.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

OK. This is the last time I'll vent about Logan's toddler behavior for a little while. Today has been a mess. We went grocery shopping this morning & Logan didn't take his morning nap. He was pretty good at the store, just talking loudly, not screaming. We got home & I put him down for his nap. I got ready & got the house picked up because we were hosting playgroup this afternoon.

After an hour & a half...he didn't sleep.

I made his lunch & we played for a little bit while we waited for all of the kids to come over. In the beginning, things were going pretty well. Then the snacks came out. Logan immediately tries to steal the other kids' snacks, even though he's hanging on to his cup of crackers. This happens at every function we go to. He even tries to steal snacks when he's not hungry, like today. He'll grab crackers from another kid, pretend that he's going to eat it, throws it on the floor & goes back to steal more food. It drives me nuts constantly telling him, "don't take so & so's snacks, you have your own", which immediately makes him mad & he screams at me.

After telling him not to steal snacks (or sippy cups) a million times & trying to distract him with toys, the next battle is not throwing toys. This is something we've been working on a whole lot. However, my efforts were futile as he threw toys & ended up clobbering one kid in the head. He did this a few more times after the incident, which landed him in time-out.

Now that playgroup is over, I put him down for another nap (which would actually be his first & only nap of the day). Since it's 5 pm, I think it's more of an early bed time. I'll make him some dinner when he wakes up, but he's going right back down.

I know his inconsistent sleeping schedule is only making things worse. What's frustrating is that he used to be a great sleeper, always on schedule. 10 am & 2 pm for naps & 8 pm for bedtime, respectively. Even though I've attempted maintaining that consistency, he's fighting it. I put him down, he won't sleep. I leave him there for an hour, he won't sleep. He hasn't been going to bed until 9 or 10 pm some nights. I know he's most likely transitioning to one nap a day, but really, sleep at some point already!

Again, I keep reminding myself. It's just a phase. Hopefully it's a short one.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

It's official
Today we had our monthly meeting for MOMS Club & voted in the new board members for the next year (which starts in July). I'll be on the board as the membership VP & I'll also be co-coordinator with another mom for the babysitting co-op. I'm really excited about these positions.

I started working with E on the babysitting co-op (she's actually done about 95-98% of the work, I'm just taking over for a few months after she has baby #2). This is one of the biggest perks of the club & I can't wait to get this program up & going! It had fallen through the cracks & wasn't very successful last year. It was one major reason I joined the club (along with playgroups & just getting out of the house to talk to other adults). It's great to have a network of friends that can help to watch Logan if Bill & I want (need) to go out on a date & we won't have to shell out $30 or more to do it.

I start training (& Bill laughed at the fact that there's "training") for the MVP next month. It doesn't seem to be too hard, just a lot of computer correspondence. Seeing as though I'm already at the computer a lot, it's no big deal.

So, yea!

***There's a lot of good stuff on The Other Blog, along with another new cyber-client who has achieved great results after only a few days. And I have to gush Thank You's to another cyber-client who did a favor for me (it was like she had some psychic abilities) & really helped our family out (in a situation that I haven't talked about, but will sometime in the next week)***

Monday, May 07, 2007

It's just a phase
This is what I keep telling myself every time Logan screams in a fit of full fledged toddler tantrum. When he gets out of control, we've done time-outs (which has only been a couple of times). Most of the time it's just him acting like a little booger, so much where I have found myself in extended mommy time-outs.

Many times throughout the day I tell him, "stop screaming", "you're fine", "mommy's not going to read to you if you scream like that", "calm down", "this is not nice behavior", "if you keep screaming like this, you're going on time-out", "mommy's not going to play with you if you keep acting like this", "I'm not having fun anymore. I'm going on time-out".

So, I often find myself in my own time-out with Logan running around doing his own thing in the playroom. I have been so thankful for cartoons like Classical Baby (Logan's favorite) because when it gets to be too much (like when I cooking dinner), things are calm & quiet when he's watching it.

I can't wait until this phase is over. I thought it took patience taking care of an infant waking up often in the middle of the night. That was nothing. This is hard.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Motherhood 101: Never wake your sleeping child
If you wake your sleeping toddler for selfish purposes, be prepared to suffer the consequences. Don't complain about it either, because you have no one to blame but yourself.

Lesson learned.

Yesterday afternoon, we had a luncheon with the kids at a Mexican restaurant for Cinco de Mayo. Logan was taking his nap while I got ready. He was still asleep 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up with everyone. I selfishly woke him up, rather than letting him sleep & realizing that we wouldn't be able to go. He was fine when we got to the restaurant. The service was incredibly slow (even though the place wasn't that busy). Pretty soon, Logan got cranky, tired & hungry. Not a good combination.

It started out with him noticing one of the little girls at our table had light up shoes. It scared him. But, he wouldn't stop looking under the table to see them. Every time he looked under the table at her shoes, he would cry. I would distract him for a minute, but he would go back to looking under the table & crying. It was funny at first, but then it got annoying. I held him on my lap for a while, but he still was getting restless. I took him outside after thinking he might be headed for a massive meltdown.

We walked outside for a bit & that made him happy. When we got back to our seats, the food just arrived. Logan happily stuffed his face with beans, cheese, chicken & taco shell. Once we were finished eating though, he was ready to get out of there. He was starting to kick & scream when I was getting him cleaned up.

I quickly asked for the check so I could get him back to bed ASAP. Usually he's a great kid to eat out with. He would have been more tolerable if I had just let him take his full nap. We said our good bye's to our friends, got in the car & immediately put him down for the remainder of his nap when we walked in the door. He slept for 2 hours.

So from now on, if Logan is sleeping & we have a fun activity to go to, we're skipping out. His sleep is more important than getting out with our friends & beside that, if we were to go, he would not be that much fun to hang out with anyway.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.
During my recent bouts of insomnia, I've been wasting time surfing sites at the computer. I was running out of places to go & ended up on MySpace. Now, I don't have a MySpace page. Well, we do, but it's just a fake login to check up on my sisters, as they all have pages. So there isn't a profile on ours, no pictures, just a random, lame & dorky name.

Last week I was searching profiles of people I went to High School with. Bill & I did this a while back & found a few of our best friends that we had lost contact with over the years. Seeing as though we already did the High School searches, I wasn't expecting to find anyone. Just waste time. Boy, was I wrong. I went to two different High Schools. One in Utah for my freshman year & then moved to Vegas my Sophomore year. I already found my best friends from Salt Lake (or some of them, one I still can't find), but I never was able to find my friends from Vegas. Until last week, that is.

As I was surfing I came across one of my friends profiles (actually two friends). I nearly fell off my chair. I lost contact with my friends after I left The Church. It was a crazy situation & I hadn't talked to them since my Senior year. We had great times together, running around town taking pictures of ourselves with these creepy bronze statues that are all over the neighborhood, hanging out at the smoothie shop that I worked at & having fun on the winter trip to Brian Head with the ski & snowboarding club. I lost contact with them, but thought about what they might be doing for the last 10 years. When I saw my friends profile, I had to email her.

We emailed huge long emails about our lives over the last 10 years (there's a lot that happens in that span of time). One forwarded the email to another friend & we emailed back & forth for a while. It was nice to catch up with them, explain the details of what went down when I left (they didn't know what happened) & see what their lives are like now.

This was one time that I was very thankful that I couldn't sleep & astounded at what can happen through the marvels of MySpace & the internet.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Logan's first girlfriend
We were all feeling well enough today to make it to playgroup. I was thrilled about this because Logan has been Mr. Fussy Fuss lately (with being sick, teething & being a toddler all in one), so I couldn't wait to get out of the house. We had an exterminator come over to spray this morning & while we were out, Logan got cranky. I wasn't sure how long he would last at playgroup, but we were still going regardless.

He was a grump when we were driving over there & continued to pout as we were walking up to the front door. We rang the doorbell & his friend Little L answered the door with a cute smile. Logan was ready to play & forgot about being grumpy.

The kids ran around, shared snacks & played while the moms talked "shop". It's funny how all of us are frustrated with our kids throwing food & exasperated by the task of getting rid of the binky (which no one has been successful at, yet). As we were talking, Logan & Little L were chasing each other around the kitchen, laughing & giggling. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. They were having so much fun together. Little L ever tried to show Logan how to do somersaults on the floor.

Little L was constantly giving Logan hugs & he didn't shrink back in horror. He stood there (a good few inches shorter than she) & smiled. I was just amazed at how well they were playing together. It's not like they never got along, I mean, this is the little girl that we baby sat for Valentines Day & we had a lot of fun together. Logan was nice & shared all of his toys. But I thought that kids at this age didn't actually "play" together. I thought they were more apt to parallel play. So it was a shocker, but oh. so. freakin'. cute.

I picked up Bill from work so we could do the car switch & told him about how playgroup went. "Awww, Logan has his first girlfriend", he said. "Oh my God! He does! He's only a year old! That little charmer...", I said almost driving off the road realizing how funny that is saying he has a "girlfriend".

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

15 months
Logan is quite the typical toddler now. It makes life interesting, that's for sure.

Nap times are hit & miss. Sometimes he takes two, other days just one. And they're not a consistent time anymore either. This part drives me nuts. I can put him down at his "regular" nap time & he'll just play around forever. Sometimes I take this as a cue that he might not need it & let him stay up, when just a few minutes later he's throwing a fit because he's tired. One cute thing about nap time is when I ask him if he's ready to go down. He'll walk across the room, grab his "special blanket" & binky, then walk over to me & hold his arms up to be picked up. It's very sweet.

Meal times are fun with me saying, "don't throw your food on the floor" or "stop feeding Buddha", 50 million times in 30 minutes. I give up on this. Through this, I've found that he really hates bell peppers & zucchini. I don't blame him, I hate them too.

The rest of the day is filled with running & screaming. He's figured out how to make a very high pitched, make your ears bleed, kind of scream. He does this. All. Day. Long. When he's excited, when he's bored. When he's happy, when he's upset. He's always screaming. He has turned into a little comedian by making raspberries without the tongue. Basically, it's a fart noise. If he (or anyone else in the house, for that matter) passes gas, he laughs & mimics the sound. I think I laughed for a straight 10 minutes when he first did this. So, when he's not running around screaming, he's running around making fart noises.

I think the biggest accomplishment this month is the end of stranger anxiety. He will now hang out at the gym's daycare without having a total melt down (he did once). He's also brave enough at playgroup where the minute I let him down on the floor to play, he's running off leaving me behind.

He's still rear-facing in his car seat, but that will end in the next few weeks. We've ordered his forward facing seat & it should get here soon. He's just outgrowing the rear facing seat. We've also talked about getting him a pillow (even though it's been suggested to wait until we convert to the toddler bed). He just loves pillows, we think he would get a kick out of having his own. I'm in the beginning stages of weaning him from his binky. For the last few days he's only had it at nap time & bed time. I'm hoping that this month is the last binky month, because I'm not buying anymore.

His physical developments are still growing strong. He climbs up onto everything, runs constantly, kicks around soccer balls, throws footballs & does somersaults off the couch. He continues to sit & read books to himself, drag toys around the living room & just make huge messes for me to clean up.

His language, while more vocal, is still just babbling. He's been saying "Da-da" consistently, & maybe "Da" for Budda, but that's about it. He does "Mmmmmm" for "moo" too, actually. Sometimes I worry about this, other times I don't. I know he communicates (through pointing & retrieving requested objects), but I guess he's just too involved with screaming rather than talking.

When we're at the park, he slides down the slide by himself now. He would rather play in the sand than on the swings & loves to walk around & explore.
We've had to do time-out twice, maybe three times. The second two were at the park, where he started to throw a fit. I put him in the stroller & told him that we don't behave like that it was time to go home. So far, so good. It hasn't been an unbearable experience.

This next month is going to be a blast with all of our outdoor activities. Hiking, playing in the sprinklers & maybe some camping (where Logan will eat hot dogs & s'moors for the first time!) I hope I can get some really good pictures of this little tornado of energy!