The clock is ticking
I feel it. I feel it inside my chest like a burning in my heart. I feel the emotion; the lump in my throat when I think about it. I'm getting baby fever & it's starting to scare me.
I've been thinking about having another baby off & on for quite some time now. I've been on the fence. Some days I would think, No Way. Logan is going to be an only child. Other days, it's the opposite & I can't imagine our family as just three. I think about the pregnancy & how I can't possibly go through that again. Then I think about Logan's birth & how it was the most amazing & fun (yes, FUN!) experience in my life. Ever. Back & forth, one side to the other, not really feeling swayed to either side. Until yesterday.
For some reason, as we were driving home, Bill mentioned how we needed a bigger house. We needed a 4 bedroom, 2 bath home. I agreed, but at the time, I didn't ask why he thought that. Or wondered why I agreed. Really, if it's just the three of us, we don't need another bedroom. We may need a bigger house, as in square footage, because we're getting a little cramped & Logan needs some more play space, but not another bedroom.
That comment stuck with me. Last night, I remembered that Memorial Day is the two year anniversary of the positive pregnancy test. If we were to have a second baby, they would be two years apart now. I've always thought that between two & three years was a good spacing to plan for. Holy smokes, the two year gap starts now. Tick, tick, tick, tick......
"Are you absolutely positive that you want Logan to be our only child?", I asked Bill as I was wiping Logan's face after dinner. "Yeah", he quickly replies. "Why is that? What makes you so sure?" "Money", was his answer. That's his answer for anything & everything. Which I can understand, but biology is clouding my logic.
"I've been thinking about it. A lot. I'm starting to think about it a little more in depth. I've thought that if we were to have another baby, the timing feels right. Our health insurance has been straightened out so I have prenatal coverage again. If I were to get sick like I did with Logan, I have a lot of support from MOMS Club & I'm sure they would be happy to help us out if we needed it. We really wouldn't need to buy much more than we have now. We have a lot of the big ticket items that Logan's grown out of & we could use those again. I've just been thinking about it. A lot", I tried to explain.
"I don't want to talk about it", was his response.
So I left it at that. I didn't tell him that the MOMS Club would throw me a baby shower & that would help out with things we didn't have (I never had one for Logan because of the gym fiasco), or go into more detail about how it really wouldn't cost that much more. I didn't explain to him that we can't start trying right now, because I would have to get a "tune up"; get my blood work done & an ob/gyn check up, finally get my cavities filled (after a month of fighting with insurance companies) & I would have to really work hard in the gym to prep for the possibility of going though HG again. I have to add 10 pounds of muscle, because I would bet my life that my strength & endurance was the only reason I managed to live with HG with only one trip to urgent care to get re-hydrated. There are a few things I have to do to prepare for another pregnancy.
I also didn't explain to him that in the months that I get ready, he would have time to ready himself as well. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, & we'll be able to find a bigger house. He's already been looking for a job that isn't commission based so that our income would be more predictable. Hopefully he finds one soon (as in the next month) & he would feel better about our financial stability.
I never mentioned to him that our life is different now. When I planned for Logan, the reasons for wanting to become a mother were very deep & emotional. And while our life & marriage are a million times better than a few years ago, it was probably the wrong reason to start a family (not that I planned for Logan to "save" our marriage). I think about why I want another baby. It's not to fill a void or empty space in me, but our family. I've grown tremendously as a woman, wife & mother. I don't feel like I need to "be better" or more significant. We just don't feel whole as a family. It's not that I need us to feel "even", wanting a girl either. As cliche as it sounds, there's someone missing. A person. Logan's little brother or sister. Just typing that out gets me choked up. This is why I'm really giving it more thought & consideration. There's something in me, deep in my heart, that's letting me know there's someone else waiting to be a part of our family. It's a feeling that's really hard to ignore.
While the logistics are beginning to line up, there's that little voice of doubt in the back of my mind. Can I really handle two kids? I mean, there are days I want to pull out my hair & scream (there are days that I have). Can I handle two kids crying & fussing at the same time? Can I multi-task? Can I live with being pulled into two directions at the same time? Can I be the best mom that I can be (or that I'm trying to be) to two kids, or will I just be best with one? I have become more patient as a person, but have I become patient enough? Even though there have been some tough times as a mother, not once have I ever regretted my decision. I have never reminisced about pre-family life, wishing I could go back. Would becoming a mother of two be too much for me? Would I regret this decision? I constantly worry about Logan. Can I handle worrying about two kids?
I'm not as naive as I was about pregnancy & parenthood like I was before Logan. I know what I would be getting into (kind of). That's why Logan was such an easy decision. I didn't know the whole story. Thinking about adding to our family this time around is a much more difficult decision, because it's scary.
I'm so confused. There's so much to think about. We'll never have "enough" money. If we had waited for that, we wouldn't have Logan. It's so hard to think clearly about the concrete details when I feel that little person wanting to join us.