Monday, May 28, 2007

The clock is ticking
I feel it. I feel it inside my chest like a burning in my heart. I feel the emotion; the lump in my throat when I think about it. I'm getting baby fever & it's starting to scare me.

I've been thinking about having another baby off & on for quite some time now. I've been on the fence. Some days I would think, No Way. Logan is going to be an only child. Other days, it's the opposite & I can't imagine our family as just three. I think about the pregnancy & how I can't possibly go through that again. Then I think about Logan's birth & how it was the most amazing & fun (yes, FUN!) experience in my life. Ever. Back & forth, one side to the other, not really feeling swayed to either side. Until yesterday.

For some reason, as we were driving home, Bill mentioned how we needed a bigger house. We needed a 4 bedroom, 2 bath home. I agreed, but at the time, I didn't ask why he thought that. Or wondered why I agreed. Really, if it's just the three of us, we don't need another bedroom. We may need a bigger house, as in square footage, because we're getting a little cramped & Logan needs some more play space, but not another bedroom.

That comment stuck with me. Last night, I remembered that Memorial Day is the two year anniversary of the positive pregnancy test. If we were to have a second baby, they would be two years apart now. I've always thought that between two & three years was a good spacing to plan for. Holy smokes, the two year gap starts now. Tick, tick, tick, tick......

"Are you absolutely positive that you want Logan to be our only child?", I asked Bill as I was wiping Logan's face after dinner. "Yeah", he quickly replies. "Why is that? What makes you so sure?" "Money", was his answer. That's his answer for anything & everything. Which I can understand, but biology is clouding my logic.

"I've been thinking about it. A lot. I'm starting to think about it a little more in depth. I've thought that if we were to have another baby, the timing feels right. Our health insurance has been straightened out so I have prenatal coverage again. If I were to get sick like I did with Logan, I have a lot of support from MOMS Club & I'm sure they would be happy to help us out if we needed it. We really wouldn't need to buy much more than we have now. We have a lot of the big ticket items that Logan's grown out of & we could use those again. I've just been thinking about it. A lot", I tried to explain.

"I don't want to talk about it", was his response.

So I left it at that. I didn't tell him that the MOMS Club would throw me a baby shower & that would help out with things we didn't have (I never had one for Logan because of the gym fiasco), or go into more detail about how it really wouldn't cost that much more. I didn't explain to him that we can't start trying right now, because I would have to get a "tune up"; get my blood work done & an ob/gyn check up, finally get my cavities filled (after a month of fighting with insurance companies) & I would have to really work hard in the gym to prep for the possibility of going though HG again. I have to add 10 pounds of muscle, because I would bet my life that my strength & endurance was the only reason I managed to live with HG with only one trip to urgent care to get re-hydrated. There are a few things I have to do to prepare for another pregnancy.

I also didn't explain to him that in the months that I get ready, he would have time to ready himself as well. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, & we'll be able to find a bigger house. He's already been looking for a job that isn't commission based so that our income would be more predictable. Hopefully he finds one soon (as in the next month) & he would feel better about our financial stability.

I never mentioned to him that our life is different now. When I planned for Logan, the reasons for wanting to become a mother were very deep & emotional. And while our life & marriage are a million times better than a few years ago, it was probably the wrong reason to start a family (not that I planned for Logan to "save" our marriage). I think about why I want another baby. It's not to fill a void or empty space in me, but our family. I've grown tremendously as a woman, wife & mother. I don't feel like I need to "be better" or more significant. We just don't feel whole as a family. It's not that I need us to feel "even", wanting a girl either. As cliche as it sounds, there's someone missing. A person. Logan's little brother or sister. Just typing that out gets me choked up. This is why I'm really giving it more thought & consideration. There's something in me, deep in my heart, that's letting me know there's someone else waiting to be a part of our family. It's a feeling that's really hard to ignore.

While the logistics are beginning to line up, there's that little voice of doubt in the back of my mind. Can I really handle two kids? I mean, there are days I want to pull out my hair & scream (there are days that I have). Can I handle two kids crying & fussing at the same time? Can I multi-task? Can I live with being pulled into two directions at the same time? Can I be the best mom that I can be (or that I'm trying to be) to two kids, or will I just be best with one? I have become more patient as a person, but have I become patient enough? Even though there have been some tough times as a mother, not once have I ever regretted my decision. I have never reminisced about pre-family life, wishing I could go back. Would becoming a mother of two be too much for me? Would I regret this decision? I constantly worry about Logan. Can I handle worrying about two kids?

I'm not as naive as I was about pregnancy & parenthood like I was before Logan. I know what I would be getting into (kind of). That's why Logan was such an easy decision. I didn't know the whole story. Thinking about adding to our family this time around is a much more difficult decision, because it's scary.

I'm so confused. There's so much to think about. We'll never have "enough" money. If we had waited for that, we wouldn't have Logan. It's so hard to think clearly about the concrete details when I feel that little person wanting to join us.


Reesh said...

I thank my lucky stars that we accidently got pregnant again. I know we would have been the same way you are now, weighing out the pros and the cons of having another baby. I know that doesn't really help much, except to say that I think it's probably perfectly normal. I bet your hubby is thinking about it right now. Sometimes it takes men a little longer than women to decide these things. SO keep talking about it and I bet he'll come around in his own time.

erica said...

It's scary how alike we are.

We're going through this again now, too. Should we, shouldn't we... Mostly it's all in my head. I loved being pregnant, I loved giving birth - for some reason it's the "getting" pregnant again that makes me nervous. Silly, I know.

And this time around, I feel no different than I was when we were planning Kira. I have a big resounding, "Am I really ready?" in my head that just won't go away. I feel many of the same emotions you're feeling too: whether or not I could handle it, if I'm ready to go back to the non sleeping, getting up every couple hours, the first few grueling months of teething.

It's tough... but I agree with Reesh; I think Bill will come around in his own time - sooner if you can get him to talk about what's really bothering him.

Anonymous said...

It's so nice to hear someone else say it's "scary". When we decided to get pregnant the 1st time it was an easy decision (more or less). We've been talking about trying for # 2 for a few months now (and I could possibly be pregnant now.. we'll see in a few weeks) and it has SCARED me! For all the reasons you mentioned and others... it's amazing how much more thought has gone into doing it again.

But I too hear that clock ticking.. some days it's all I seem to hear!

Erin said...

I completely understand your is a big and somewhat scary decision. For us, it's a bit exciting because we didn't have that excitement of planning, since our first was a huge surprise. So this time around it's really exciting...and we're not even trying til December! But I'm doing prep work as well...going to the dr., trying to figure out what's going on with my body...I've talked w/ my OB etc. And while this is all very exciting, when Hailey's being extra awnry or I'm extra tired and having trouble keeping up with everything, I think to myself "oh my gosh, could I REALLY handle another one??" And I feel like the few people we have told may be thinking the same thing. But I think about the little baby, and how much we already love it, and how I really feel like there's this place for it already in our family, just waiting for it to get here...exactly like you described...I just get all choked up. I can't wait to go through the whole wonderful emotional experience I missed out on the first time, and we can't wait to welcome a new little member of the family...but at the same time I'm scared to pieces. So...I understand where you're coming from.

Jake Silver said...

I think sometimes... but no. Tate will be an only child until much later when we decide to adopt. Their are great things to be said for having more kids... but we just know what we want.

Ashley said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one! Everything everyone has said has rung so true to me! I'm super scared to have a second, since I know what it's like to have 1! But I'm so excited for you, and don't think you should EVER doubt your instincts. I don't know what your religious beliefs are these days (polygamy? what?) but I think we get those types of feelings for a reason. I truly believe that's because someone is waiting for you. Okay, reading that makes it sound really cheesy, but oh well, I'm leaving it. And honestly, I think it makes you a great mother to have all those questions and to be prepared and worried and everything else. Some people don't take that stuff into consideration and I think it ends up having negative effects on the children. Wow, I think I've been away from adults too long, I just keep writing...anyway, what I mean is I think you're a great mother, and would be a great mother to another child.

Liz said...

Oh, I feel this post in my bones.

I keep telling myself that if you wait until you have 'enough money,' you'll be waiting forever. And in the moments when I seriously doubt that I could be a mother of two, I realize that I surprised myself with what I could handle with one, I have to count on surprising myself with two children.
I agree with Reesh, I'm sure Bill is thinking about this a lot, too. Which may be why he gave such a quick response. He just hasn't sorted through all his feelings yet, so when he's ready to talk it about he will.
As for prepping yourself for a potential second pregnancy, it sounds like all the things you need to do anyways. Also? I love how you've become such a part of your MOMs club. Isn't it wonderful to feel that kind of support? From other mothers?

Kayce said...

I've been wanting to comment on this for days...but I can't figure out what on earth to say in response. It's a HUGE decision to make, especially considering how much fun you had the last time you were pregnant. I can understand your hesitation to even consider the possibility. But I can understand your desire for another as well. I guess just don't let anybody else's experiences, opinions, or advice sway you one way or another. Talk things over with your hubby, repeatedly if necessary, until together you can decide what's right for your family. I wish I (or anyone) could make the tough decision for you, but life doesn't really work that way. Maybe an accident will make the decision for you. :)

The Bents said...

I'm always the type to say, "if it's meant to'll happen". It's so true though.. When Ricky and I talked about James having a brother or sister we never really got excited about the idea. It was like..a given. That if you have one..try to have another. If possible. And now that Natalie's here it does feel complete now. She WAS missing from our family for a while..okay, not a long while since they're so close in age. But still. You catch my drift. So, I understand how you feel. Just keep hanging onto those baby things left over from Logan and see what happens. Your husband may come around and start to feel like how you do. Maybe when you guys have a bigger place he'll feel more secure about the idea more. Cause Ricky is the same way with thinking about things- it always boils down to finances. Granted, that is wise. But my whole thinking was, "hey if we don't do this now I'll change my mind once I think about how painful labor let's get to procreating"..LMAO It'll all work out. Things always find a way to work out. Good luck!!!!