The blog will be a book.
Shortly after I posted the "Exactly One Year" post, my Aunt & her family who owns a bindery emailed me. She offered to bind the blog entries into a hard cover book for us. I'm editing & revising some of the entries & I'm going to print them out on some nice paper. After Logan's first birthday, I'll send them off & they'll bind them into a book. This is really nice & it will become one of the most prized keep sakes in our house.

I've struggled with wether or not to write about certain events & aspects of my childhood in detail, even though I may have touched upon them here & there. I never wanted this to be the blog of doom & quite frankly, everything in my life up to the point of meeting Bill is very depressing. However uncomfortable & unhappy those experiences may have been, they have molded me into the person that I am today. They have a huge impact of what kind of mother I am & why I parent Logan the way I do.

I had a journal during those times in my life. Every horrific moment was documented on paper. Once I met Bill & we became not only the best of friends, but soul mates as well, we took that journal to a park close to home. We brought along a bottle of lighter fluid. We sat by the fire pit & burned the journal into a pile of ashes. It was an event that mostly symbolized that my past was over & we had a wonderful future ahead of us. I never wanted to remember those times again. Strangely, my mind has erased most of the details anyway (psychology at it's best). I never let Bill read anything in there & to this day, I don't think I've even told him any of the details.

Since becoming a parent, those memories have started to resurface. They start with a feeling, an emotion & then I remember. I've often started to write them out to then quickly delete it, trying my best to forget again. I've decided that I'm not going to delete them anymore. They are very personal, very traumatic & probably not very fun to read.

I want Logan to know where I came from as a person. Why I am the way I am, why he only has one grandma & will never know the other & show him that your past is not an excuse, but an education. I also want him to know exactly why I love him so much & why he means the world to me.