Our visit with Bill's grandma.
This was a very emotional & eye opening visit for all of us. It brought back so many memories of visiting Nanna, my great grandma in her nursing home. At the time I hated it. The great grand kids did have a good time dancing around, singing & entertaining her, but the nursing home was a very uncomfortable place to be. The odd smells, crazy & demented people roaming the halls or screaming from their beds & just a yucky, gross feeling from being there. It was really important to my grandma Nancy & Nanna that we went, so we didn't complain. I now realize how important those visits were. How lonely Nanna must have been living there & how seeing her great grand kids brought light & life to her long days.

My younger sisters work with the elderly now. One works in the hospital as a CNA & the other works in home health care. Every time we talk about the work they do I tell them that they have a heart of gold to do what they do. They keep them company & take very good care of them. I often hear about how they sit by the beds of their patients, holding their hands as they pass away because they don't have a family (or one that visits them anyway) & they don't have to pass alone. They do work that I don't have the emotional strength to do.

In the past few years, Bill has had a difficult time talking to his grandma. She was getting old & depressed & the conversations would bring him down too. Eventually he just stopped calling her. She had a few car accidents, one where she drove straight into the high school years ago (when Bill was showing me around town, we went to his high school & he pointed out where they rebuilt the side of the building. She hit the building from just driving around & getting lost in the parking lot) & the other where she took out the entire side of a garage on her way to the bank. She stopped driving & was all by herself in her apartment with her little dog, Molly.

About a month ago, grandma was up in the middle of the night taking care of Molly. She tripped & fell, injuring her shoulder pretty bad. She couldn't take care of herself & had to move into a nursing home. She was depressed to begin with & this transition didn't help any. She was heart broken about having to give Molly away because she loved her so much. Bill's aunt ended up taking the dog because nobody else wanted her & they didn't want to take her to a shelter. Between giving Molly away, losing her independence & recovering from a serious injury, things were looking very bad. A few weeks before the trip, Bill mentioned that this would probably be the last time he would see his grandma & he was afraid that maybe she wouldn't make it by the time we got there.

We walked into the very small, but nice home that she was living in. Bill's aunt lives just around the block, so she can make frequent visits. Just walking down the halls made me think about Nanna. We got to grandmas room where she was sitting in her rocking chair. She tried to get up but couldn't, so Bill & his dad had to pull her up & sat her on her bed. She was so excited that we were there. She saw Logan & I held him up on her lap for a bit (making sure I had a pretty tight grip on him). Bill had to leave quite a few times because it was just so hard to see her like this. He & his mom would take Logan out to walk him around the halls while Bill's dad & I would stay back in the room with grandma.

She talked about how she didn't have any complaints about the nursing home. Everyone was taking very good care of her & the residents were all like family. She has some favorite CNA's that treat her kindly & spoke very highly of her new living arrangements. Grandma is a funny little (80 lbs. little) lady & made some hilarious jokes about being there.

She was very emotional though. She was so happy that we were there, in tears saying how she's been thinking about us. She was doing well mentally, but did have some big slip ups. While Bill's dad & I were sitting with her, she was asking about the size of Bill's relatives, wondering how tall Logan was going to be. "Mom, he's my son. He's your grandson". Bill's dad would say. "Oh. Oh, I know. You know, I can catch it sometimes. I can catch my mind going. I'm sorry". Sitting on the edge of her bed, her lips would tremble, quietly crying. I felt so bad. It broke my heart. I sat next to her holding her hand trying to comfort her. "I don't remember anything either. Having a baby does that to you, I guess", I would tell her. Everyone would go in & out of the room to privately cry, but I pretty much stayed by her side.

In the middle of our visit one of the CNA's stopped by to tell us that they were going to have coffee & music in the dining hall & we were more than welcome to join them. It seemed like grandma wanted to go, so we all went down. Things started to look up when she had a hold of her walker & practically ran down the hall. It took a brisk walk for all of us to keep up with her. We were so shocked & laughing so hard at her flying by & running around all of the other residents making their way down.

We got to the dining hall where she showed us her special chair with a booster seat (because she really is that short) & yelled across the room "This is my sonny boy!" & introducing us. We sat down at a table & grandma quickly yelled, "Nurse! Can we get some cookies over here!" We all thought that was pretty funny. There was a table of about 4 ladies behind us who had been peeling potatoes. One of the CNA's came over to help them wrap it up. "I think you all have peeled enough. You have 50 lbs of potatoes here". We looked behind us to see a huge pile of peels & potatoes everywhere. One of the ladies didn't want to stop & give up the potato that she was working on. Another asked for some salt & pepper so she could take it back to her room. We could not stop laughing. We all had tears coming down our faces, especially when we looked at the menu that was posted for the day & noticed potatoes in every meal.

The CNA's came around to pass out cookies, donuts, juice & coffee. When they came to our table grandma asked for a donut. "You were just yelling for cookies a minute ago", the CNA laughed. "I changed my mind", grandma said matter of factly.

We ate our donuts & drank juice & coffee while we listened to a retired guy play his guitar & sing some really old songs (we sang along to the ones we knew). Logan had a great time listening to the music & clapping after every song. Some of the songs were kind of depressing, bringing grandma to silent tears. I sat there wondering why he chose the songs he did. Didn't he think of happy songs to help them "escape" rather than "Jesus helping them one day at a time" making them reflect on the situation? I don't know, but to me music is powerful. Reflective thoughts about the end of my life aren't things I would want to think about while living in a nursing home.

After music & snacks we went back to grandmas room. On the way back everyone was ooooing & ahhhhing all over Logan. Bill's mom made the comment about how babies bring life into their day. It made sense, but I felt strange with Logan being the "therapy baby" for the day. Right before we got to grandmas room, another lady came up to see Logan. "Can I touch him?" she asked. Feeling weird, but thankful that she at least asked I said yes. She touched his arm & rubbed his hand. We waved "bye-bye" & went back to grandmas room. We sat at chatted for a bit longer & then it was time for Logan to eat & get some rolling around time.

We said our good-byes. There were lots of tears. We felt much better about her health & well being. We think that by the end of the next month, her shoulder will be much better & she might be able to go to an assisted living home. She just needs to be able to take care of her bodily functions & take her medications by herself. Even though she may be able to do these things, I still think that living in the home will be better. She'll have so many good people there that will help take care of her & organized days where she can socialize with the other residents. There's even a big fat therapy cat that makes his rounds around the home to entertain people too.

Later that night Bill & I were talking about the visit. I told him about her mental slip while he was gone & how painful it was for her to realize that she's close to the end of the road. It's hard for her to notice that her mind & body are starting to go, even though it seems her mind is younger than her body. Bill was feeling better about her health, but said that he's going to make an effort to call her regularly. I hope he does. That would make her so happy.