Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My own personal stay home mom vs working mom epiphany
A couple of weeks ago it became very clear to me as to why I was having such a difficult time with Bill's suggestion (& really, pleading) for me to go back to work.

When he would mention it, I got a knot in my stomach. I would then go over the budget again to see where we could trim here & there, to see what other sacrifices we could make. I would often tell Bill that I would eat rice & beans forever if it meant that I could still stay at home. Being at home was the life I wanted our family to have. The stay at home mom was the mother I never had.

Right around Logan's birthday, we talked more about how Bill needed help. I still wrestled with it, but was more comfortable with the end result because for one, Bill needed help. Then, Logan & I were beginning to wean. I was satisfied that I stayed home with Logan for his first year. We were able to nurse to our "goal" of a year. I was there to see all of his firsts. He was becoming more & more independent everyday.

But I still procrastinated. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks why. Fear. I was afraid of failure.

I had a deep feeling of fear of being a complete failure. If I went back to work, I felt like I would fail at being the best mom that I could be to Logan. I also felt like that work itself was another opportunity to fail. So here I was thinking that I could not be the mom I wanted to be & not the employee I knew I could be.

It was something that I couldn't handle.

That fear stopped me from doing anything to move forward, regardless of my husbands cries for help. It stopped me from action. It killed my motivation on a personal level. It stopped me from even thinking about solutions. I dug my heels into the ground, resiting every inch of the notion.

While I was buying my time, waiting until the very last minute for the inevitable, I got Stefanie's email.

Before that day, I was beginning to realize on a personal level, that no matter what kind of mother I am to Logan, it will never fix my childhood. I will never have a different mother & I am not my mother. While the perfectionist in me still might strive for the impossible, this family experience is ours alone. Not a recreation of the past. Not a prevention of the past. Just us moving & growing forward in our own way.

I was on the right path to dealing with the fear of failure at home. At that same time, it was like the planets aligned when I received that email. Her simple email just asking if I would develop a fitness program for her gave me the courage to face the fear of failure in the working world. It was even better than that because it created an opportunity where I could overcome that fear AND continue to be at home with Logan.

It was perfect timing. It's been an amazing time of growth, personally & professionally.

7 comments:

Canadian Mommy said...

I am so glad that you are able to stay at home. I too know how important it is for mom and child. I was going to ask you for help a few months ago, but didn't know how it would work. I am so glad that Stephanie wrote you. I am so glad that you are able to help me too!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my goodness! That's it exactly! That's why I've been so reluctant to even consider the possibility of working. At least this new baby will earn me a reprieve for a while longer. I hope when the time does come to work that I can find something to do at home too. You're very lucky that things are working out to work from home, and I hope you're able to keep making a good living that way.

Jezer said...

Your epiphany is something that people have paid hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars trying to reach (and still often not succeeding) in therapy! Kudos to you for being so introspective and smart.

And you're right--I couldn't wait to go back to work because my job is one thing that I know I'm successful at. Becoming a mother (which is totally not the same thing as giving birth) didn't come easily for me, so I happily left Al with my mom, who had been a June Cleaver mother to me. That way, I got to go do what I felt I was good at, while I knew my son was receiving the best care possible.

Then, over the summer, I somehow grew my "Mommy Legs," and by the time I went back to work and Al started his "school," I felt confident that I *could* be good at both my job and my role as a mom.

You're obviously a wonderful mom, and although I'm JUST now getting around to visit your training site (I KNOW! I'm sorry!), I'm pretty sure that you kick butt at that, too. It just took time for you to feel confident doing both. Congratulations to you.

liz said...

I know that knot in the stomach.

I know it well.

And, yeah: what Jeezer said. Confidence, Mommy Legs, all that.

Erin said...

I'm so glad you found a way to be able to stay at home and work at the same time! One of these days I hope to be able to do the same. I'm going to add your new blog to my "Sites Worth Visiting" tonight.

the stefanie formerly known as stefanierj said...

Awww, I have tears in my eyes now, because you helped me on so many other levels, too--I think I had been putting off going back to the gym because I was afraid. But you have made it so easy and been so positive and encouraging that it's been a joyful discovery every day of what I can do that's beyond what I thought I could do.

You are the best. It's so nice to have a kick-ass trainer who's also a good friend. {{hugs}}

Erin said...

Hey, thanks for sharing this. I have to remind myself on a daily (ok, sometimes hourly) basis that I work BECAUSE it is ultimately the best thing I can do for my family.

I work because it gives my family healthcare. And while that may seem like a small reason to give up 40 hours a week with my child, it is the reality of the work we live in. And, afterall, having a healthy family is the most important & valuable thing I can have in my life.

It doesn't always make it easier to be away from Calum, and it certainly doesn't get rid of the guilt (oh, the guilt!), but is allows me to trust my decision and reminds me to enjoy the time I DO get to spend with my family.