My own personal stay home mom vs working mom epiphany
A couple of weeks ago it became very clear to me as to why I was having such a difficult time with Bill's suggestion (& really, pleading) for me to go back to work.

When he would mention it, I got a knot in my stomach. I would then go over the budget again to see where we could trim here & there, to see what other sacrifices we could make. I would often tell Bill that I would eat rice & beans forever if it meant that I could still stay at home. Being at home was the life I wanted our family to have. The stay at home mom was the mother I never had.

Right around Logan's birthday, we talked more about how Bill needed help. I still wrestled with it, but was more comfortable with the end result because for one, Bill needed help. Then, Logan & I were beginning to wean. I was satisfied that I stayed home with Logan for his first year. We were able to nurse to our "goal" of a year. I was there to see all of his firsts. He was becoming more & more independent everyday.

But I still procrastinated. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks why. Fear. I was afraid of failure.

I had a deep feeling of fear of being a complete failure. If I went back to work, I felt like I would fail at being the best mom that I could be to Logan. I also felt like that work itself was another opportunity to fail. So here I was thinking that I could not be the mom I wanted to be & not the employee I knew I could be.

It was something that I couldn't handle.

That fear stopped me from doing anything to move forward, regardless of my husbands cries for help. It stopped me from action. It killed my motivation on a personal level. It stopped me from even thinking about solutions. I dug my heels into the ground, resiting every inch of the notion.

While I was buying my time, waiting until the very last minute for the inevitable, I got Stefanie's email.

Before that day, I was beginning to realize on a personal level, that no matter what kind of mother I am to Logan, it will never fix my childhood. I will never have a different mother & I am not my mother. While the perfectionist in me still might strive for the impossible, this family experience is ours alone. Not a recreation of the past. Not a prevention of the past. Just us moving & growing forward in our own way.

I was on the right path to dealing with the fear of failure at home. At that same time, it was like the planets aligned when I received that email. Her simple email just asking if I would develop a fitness program for her gave me the courage to face the fear of failure in the working world. It was even better than that because it created an opportunity where I could overcome that fear AND continue to be at home with Logan.

It was perfect timing. It's been an amazing time of growth, personally & professionally.