Feeling a little angry
This has been stirring inside me for about a week. Since Logan's birthday, to be exact. I've tried to process it, but I guess I just need to vent & get it out to feel better about it.
And what do I end up venting about the most? Dealing with Bill's family.
I'm angry with the choices they've made. I'm angry that they cut me out of the family & in doing so, have been missing out on special events in Logans life. They chose to miss out on his first Christmas because Bill & I were not keen on the idea of all of them celebrating at Aunt Ju-Ju's house while leaving me home alone. I still can't believe they expected that to happen.
I'm angry that because we won't be divided, they chose to miss out on Logan's first birthday. I started to feel this way when we received Logan's birthday card from Bill's parents. Grandma L wrote something very simple, but it touched a nerve with me. She mentioned how she wished they could be here to celebrate his birthday with him. My initial thought was "You could have been here to celebrate with us, but you made the CHOICE to not be involved with our family if I was going to be around!"
I have the same feelings with Aunt Ju-Ju's choice. They live 10 minutes away. We could have had a fun family day getting ice cream together. They could have been here to see Logan throw his birthday cake around. Logan could have been poking & prodding at his cousin. They could have been here with us as a family, but they made the choice that they did & these are the consequences.
Bill & I have been starting to plan a night out for Valentine's Day. When we moved to our new town, we were excited that Aunt Ju-Ju & Uncle J could have the opportunity to babysit Logan. Because of their choices, Logan will have fun (hopefully) hanging out with one of the moms that I've become friends with at MOMS Club instead.
Even though Logan isn't really "talking" yet, I still put him on the phone when I talk to my family. He has a great time listening to them say hi & asking him what he's been doing. It's really cute. Bill's family misses out on this because they only call him when he's at work, not at home...where I am.
I'm beginning to wonder how they all sleep at night knowing that they're missing out on so much.
But, this is the result of their decisions. The only way it will change is if they change. It might happen some day. It might not. I'm still angry about it though.
Our Roots
- Kristin
- Colorado
- I married my soul mate 10 years ago. We got married very young & we are very thankful that we did despite what other opinions may have been. It gave us a chance to grow up together & learn how to ride life's roller coaster ups & downs as a team. We had some good friends & adventures in Vegas when we started out. Then we hit a fork in the road & moved to Portland, OR so I could go to school & pursue a career in chiropractic. That's where we learned that sometimes life has plans for us other than our "perfectly mapped out" one. Bill got a promotion that moved us out to Colorado, somewhere he's always wanted to live, but a place where my thoughts of chiropractic school would die. Marriage is all about compromise, so we made the move to bigger & better things. As we continued to be successful at work, it felt like there was something missing. That's when I started to think about having a baby. As a stay at home mom to Logan, life was everything we wanted it to be. Then we were crazy enough to do it again & soon added Carter to the family. This is our adventure raising two boys in the Rocky Mountains.
Branches
8 comments:
You have every right to be angry that they are missing out on Logan's and your lives. It's sad that they choose to take a grudge that far instead of growing up and acting like adults.
I'm glad of your experience with your in-laws, as much as it must hurt you, because it helps me through the issues with mine. I just can't figure out why grown adults must act so immaturely.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It's not fair. I know, life isn't fair, but jeez. Like you said, they've chosen to not be a part of these special times with Logan. You're his MOM. Of course you're going to want to be around if there's a get-together. I can't believe that they would expect you to NOT be. That really boggles me. I just hope that there is way soon where this can all be worked out. It seems that you're willing so they should be too. Even if that means fake smiles and fake hugs take place..just as long as Logan's happy ( i hate the whole fake thing, but if it means keeping the peace then well....) I wish you so much luck with this. No one needs this type of stress.
Oh my gosh. It pisses me off to even read about this!!! Every time I do, I just can't believe what they've put you through! It's not fair to either of you guys.
It's funny because MY parents get along pretty well (divorced) but HER parents (also divorced) are kind of uncomfortable around each other. But they were both here for Tate's birthday party. Her mom was slightly buzzed and slapped her Dad's BUTT (even though her Dad's wife now was standing right there)... it was definitely a moment to rememeber.
I can see where it must be terribly frustrating. I know it would bother me. But remember--these are THEIR choices to make, and when they realize they've screwed up and come to you asking for forgiveness and for involvement, YOU get to be the better person. Or, if they wait too awfully long, it'll be Logan who puts them in their place and says "who are you?".
Of course I don't know the entire story but from what I've gathered; it's not just the choices your in-laws have made but the choices you've made as well- that have gotten you where you are at this point. I really don't think you are being fair to Logan or your husband. Life is short.What if Grandma L is supposed to be Logan's Grandma Nancy?
That's the thing Anonymous, you don't know the entire story.
By what you're saying, I'm assuming you're meaning that I should have kept my mouth shut & just let Grandma L do whatever she felt like.
According to you, it's OK that she manipulated our wedding date & in turn the majority of my family couldn't come. We couldn't go on a honeymoon.
According to you, it was OK that she snatched Logan away the minute I turned my back & told me to go away.
According to you, it was OK for her to talk smack about me & my mothering skills behind my back to whoever would listen.
According to you, it was just fine that she had an absolute melt down regarding the place that we wanted to move to & decided that she was going to find a new place for us.
According to you, it wasn't fair that I opened my mouth to say how I felt about how I was being treated. I'm sure you think it's just fine for Grandma L to call me names at my kitchen table & cut me out of the family. Because, God forbid anyone talk about how they feel. Honestly, at that.
You know, I usually don't go off on anonymous comments like this, but you need the whole story before you start making judgments.
You're so right that life is short. I lost a lot of sleep & had way too many anxiety attacks that practically ruined my first months of motherhood before I spoke up. That's why I stood up for myself. Life is too short to continue being treated like that.
Besides the fact that you don't have the entire story, I find it kind of interesting that an anonymous comment pipes up to say that I'm not being fair. According to our marriage counselor & the individual therapist that I've ended up going to because of Grandma L's temper tantrums, I should have opened my big fat mouth a long time ago.
Why isn't it fair to have boundaries? Why isn't it fair to expect her to let us live the lives we want to live without her butting in? Why isn't it fair to expect a marriage of two, a parenting team of two?
I chose to speak up about how I felt.
Grandma L chose to cut me out of the family & try to divide our marriage & our home. She made the choice to not be involved in special events in our life. All because she can't have it her way in someone else's life.
Who's being fair?
Anger will only fester and make you bitter. Anger should never be the determining factor to which one decides on how to conduct themselves. It's ok to say in a calm voice, "No, I feel this way is best for us." knowing that it's ok to agree to disagree. But what I think Anonymous was saying was, don't wear your anger as a badge of honor, be the bigger person (if it is within you) and keep the lines of communication open. You are not in control (and never will be)of what Bill's family says or does but you are of what you say and how you chose to react. If they are attempting to leave you out as you say, take the bull by the horns and call them to include them in plans. I would start with Bill's sister (or maybe when her baby is old enough to be a playmate for Logan). I wouldn't make Bill call her up but I would call myself and say to her "we are doing this or that and I thought you would like the chance to be included." If she declines, then it's her loss. Then try it on Bill's parents. If they decline then it's their loss also. Then let it go. You will feel better about yourself as a person and will be setting a better example for Logan when he is able to see what's going on. I'm sure Bill will appreciate it also which in turn will make it easier for him to support you and be an ally for you in the future. -Ilene
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