Flowers do grow from manure
Yesterday afternoon, Aunt Ju-Ju decided to come over to talk rather than have a dinner get together. Which was fine with us, just as long as we talked.

She came over & I gave her a hug, telling her how happy I was that she came over. We had some lighthearted, trivial talk while Logan shower her all of the new things he's learned. He ran around, carrying his new cell phone, playing with his toys & smiling at the Little Einsteins DVD that she brought over for him.

Then we decided to talk about the family drama & things got a little ugly.

She went on the attack, just like Bill & I had predicted. Round & round we went with her talking about how there shouldn't be boundaries in a family, pretty much saying that they should be able the behave & treat people anyway they want (because who am I to say how I want to be treated) , regardless if it hurts others because that's not their intention (not true in this situation). She also said that I just needed to surrender my role as a mother while Grandma L visits, because that what she has to do with her in-laws, also claiming that I'm crazy for wanting to be the only one who changes diapers & feed my baby (like I gave birth so everyone else in the family could play mommy). She tried to tell Bill that he needs to make his parents happy after all they have done for him from the beginning of his life & that my feelings & our family come after that.

She was angry that they weren't the ones to babysit Logan when we went out for dinner ( like I was supposed to be comfortable with them doing so when I'm not even on speaking terms with her or allowed in their home, by her choice). She claimed that having my friend watch Logan was extremely disrespectful.

Then she started throwing out some lies. She said that Uncle J was so pissed at us that he didn't want to come over & that's why we weren't having dinner. She said that because of me, their parents won't come out to visit anymore, they have to fly out there. She said they also changed their mind about moving to our town when they retire & told us to just move back to Oregon because I was just ruining their lives. This was the first time Bill was hearing any of this.

Her stance in the whole situation is like telling someone who gets hit everyday to just toughen up if they don't like it.

We tried explaining some of the things we've been learning & working on, to no avail. We tried to explain that we don't have anything against her & that this issue is with Grandma L. It didn't get through to her that this is our home & our family & no matter how anyone else in the extended family feels about it...that's the way it is. It didn't ring true that their mother has been mean & said nasty things about me & to me in my own home (yet she's the one who's been "wronged'). She did acknowledge that the family doesn't talk about their feelings & tries to sweep everything under the rug. So, when something is brought to the surface, it's like World War three.

After going over much, much more, it got to the point where she was becoming more & more out of line. Bill asked her to leave. "Things are just getting worse. Let's just stop here before it gets out of control. I think you should leave. Nothing is going to be resolved in one conversation, so it would be best if we talked to you later". She put on her shoes & stormed out of the house.

After Bill & I talked about what happened & how we felt about it, he got a call from Uncle J. He told Bill that he didn't have any hard feelings & that he wasn't there because Aunt Ju-Ju told him that she wanted to talk to her brother alone. We knew the real reason was that Uncle J would've been the voice of reason when she got out of control & she knew that too. He also told Bill that when she got home, she ran into her room & collapsed on the bed hyperventilating.

Bill went over to tell her that even though he asked her to leave, she was still more than welcome in our home. He also wanted to try & talk some sense into her while Uncle J was there to stop her from throwing a fit.

The three of them talked with Uncle J telling her exactly what we've been saying. It's not her issue, she has no control of the matter & what happens in our home is our business.

They talked for a long time. They talked about their family & the way things have effected them. Bill learned that Aunt Ju-Ju had to train Grandpa L, their own father, to say I love you to her.

Bill left feeling better that there will eventually be a resolution & that his family will come around.

When he got home, he got another call from Aunt Ju-Ju. She told him that she called their parents to tell them what happened. She told Grandma L the conversation she & Bill had about how their family deals with feelings. Grandma L told her to tell Grandpa L this right now. She got on the phone with him & explained how she & her brother felt. Grandpa L listened & acknowledged their hurt. She told Bill that the next time he talked to Grandpa L, he wouldn't have to have the conversation about dealing with feelings, it was already done. And in that conversation, when Bill says "I love you", he'll say it back.

So while opening my mouth to say how I feel has started a family feud, there have been some extremely positive results to come from it. First, our marriage has never been stronger & our home together has never been happier, in spite of how others are behaving. Then, Bill's family is finally coming to the realization that sweeping issues & feelings under the rug does nothing but make matters worse. And finally, Grandpa L is learning that there's nothing wrong with telling his family he loves them.