Monday, September 29, 2008

First & Last
Having two kids is a bittersweet experience so far. Each child comes with a very different & unique specialness to them. What I missed with one, I relish in the other. What future I looked forward to with one, I almost dread seeing come for the other. What once was a life of go, go, go is now switching to a mentality of slow, slow, slow.

With Logan being the first, my outlook was more along the lines of our life being an exciting adventure - everyday was new, uncharted territory. I was thrilled with every milestone reached, eagerly anticipating the next. I didn't really think about how fast things change or how quickly Logan grows. My frame of mind was much like his personality: energy driven, fearless & independent.

With Carter being our last, I want to make sure things move at a more steady pace, cherishing every last moment of newness & infancy. So far, each day is familiar & comfortable, like putting on a favorite pair of worn-in jeans. Life just "fits". But I'm sad to see each new milestone reached, like his newborn clothes fitting better & him being able to sleep in the bassinet for most of the night. Life is happening too fast already.

While I'm not disappointed that I'll never live nine months of life with hyperemesis again, I will miss having those familiar kicks of life come from within. It's a feeling like no other. Having a body sharing life with another has been replaced with the feeling of separateness & emptiness, the unexplainable closeness forever gone. And as intense as labor & delivery is, I'm almost heartbroken that I will never experience the exciting miracle of birth again. That part of life is over, never to be lived for a third time. That in itself brings tears to my eyes.

Logically, I know that a family of four is right for us. I realize this every time we go out together, with one parent wrangling a child each. The balance is perfect. Not only can we manage two kids equally (or individually), but financially it makes sense & emotionally it makes even more sense. I know that I can only handle two kids. The stress of dealing with three or more would kill me.

So, I cling to the new softness that Carter emits, the clean baby smell & precious look about him, his tiny scrunched up body - nose, eyes, hands & toes. Every grunt & squeak makes me smile because I know that soon enough they will change into screams, shrieks & finally words & sentences. I take the time to study his sleeping face, to caress his fragile head & cuddle his small, little person. The sweetness & innocence will fade into memories all too soon.

And I continue to live the adventure with Logan, full of curiosity & discovery, growing up faster than ever now. I try to take a step back & remember the funny things he says, the excitement he exudes when doing something fun & new. I know all too well that while today he's playing pretend with his cars & asking for his teddy bear at nap time, tomorrow he'll ride a bike, learn to read & all too soon begin a life of his own.

6 comments:

tyfamilyadventures said...

You hit right on.I was so active with Tristin.With Braidi I slowed down a little because we weren't sure if we would have anymore.Time flies by my baby is going to be 4 in Nov.Enjoy it because like you said it will be memories before to long.Besides that are you still doing ok?I know how those hormones are.Take care...

Jaime said...

This is very true. With my oldest children I just went through the motions, enjoying them. After we found out Annabel was to be our last something shifted.

I swore I would never nurse a child past a year but I am, that I would never allow a child to sleep with us (she no longer does but she did) and that I would give into baby crying but I do.

I don't want to miss anything and she's growing so fast - too fast for me. ;)

Sassy Sarah said...

My best friend was just diagnosed with hyperemesis and knowing that you wen through it, I was wondering if you had any advice for either her or me.

What can I do to make her life better? I know that bringing her food isn't practical, so what else can I do? This is her first baby and I know she's really scared.

Thanks for any advice! :)

Dawn B said...

So beautifully put.
They get too big way too fast. It's so exciting but so scary. A good scary I suppose, too.
I sometimes think I'm spoiling Natalie a little more because she's the youngest and probably last child. That's alright. She deserves it. lol Gotta savor every moment.

momto1 said...

Ugh...that made me teary. I've been having thoughts like this since Sunday, when we found out about #2. This could be our last...this could be the last time I am pregnant...and these days feel so fast with Stink. Each day, blending quickly to the next, realizing that by the time baby comes, he'll be almost 3! I want time to just slow waaaaaaay down. When you are pregnant with your first, you know that you'll at least be pregnant one more time--this is not the case. This may be it for us....I a trying to slow down with Stink too. Hoping your days go as slow as molases!

Kristin said...

Thanks Erica :)
I'm still really lucky & the hormones haven't sent me into a tailspin, but my hair has started to fall out. Bummer. At least I'm only crying due to things that are normal, like this post & happy stuff.

Sarah-
I would give your friend the web site on my side bar: helpher.org. There are a lot of women on there going through the same thing & having contact with them will help her feel not so alone.

What you can do for her is listen to her when she sounds down & out all of the time (because she will complain & cry a lot about how she feels & having someone not tell her to "eat a cracker" is essential). You can also offer to clean her house, since this is the last thing she wants (or can) do & it takes a lot of pressure off of her husband.

Feel free to drop me an email any time - the address is in my profile.