First & Last
Having two kids is a bittersweet experience so far. Each child comes with a very different & unique specialness to them. What I missed with one, I relish in the other. What future I looked forward to with one, I almost dread seeing come for the other. What once was a life of go, go, go is now switching to a mentality of slow, slow, slow.
With Logan being the first, my outlook was more along the lines of our life being an exciting adventure - everyday was new, uncharted territory. I was thrilled with every milestone reached, eagerly anticipating the next. I didn't really think about how fast things change or how quickly Logan grows. My frame of mind was much like his personality: energy driven, fearless & independent.
With Carter being our last, I want to make sure things move at a more steady pace, cherishing every last moment of newness & infancy. So far, each day is familiar & comfortable, like putting on a favorite pair of worn-in jeans. Life just "fits". But I'm sad to see each new milestone reached, like his newborn clothes fitting better & him being able to sleep in the bassinet for most of the night. Life is happening too fast already.
While I'm not disappointed that I'll never live nine months of life with hyperemesis again, I will miss having those familiar kicks of life come from within. It's a feeling like no other. Having a body sharing life with another has been replaced with the feeling of separateness & emptiness, the unexplainable closeness forever gone. And as intense as labor & delivery is, I'm almost heartbroken that I will never experience the exciting miracle of birth again. That part of life is over, never to be lived for a third time. That in itself brings tears to my eyes.
Logically, I know that a family of four is right for us. I realize this every time we go out together, with one parent wrangling a child each. The balance is perfect. Not only can we manage two kids equally (or individually), but financially it makes sense & emotionally it makes even more sense. I know that I can only handle two kids. The stress of dealing with three or more would kill me.
So, I cling to the new softness that Carter emits, the clean baby smell & precious look about him, his tiny scrunched up body - nose, eyes, hands & toes. Every grunt & squeak makes me smile because I know that soon enough they will change into screams, shrieks & finally words & sentences. I take the time to study his sleeping face, to caress his fragile head & cuddle his small, little person. The sweetness & innocence will fade into memories all too soon.
And I continue to live the adventure with Logan, full of curiosity & discovery, growing up faster than ever now. I try to take a step back & remember the funny things he says, the excitement he exudes when doing something fun & new. I know all too well that while today he's playing pretend with his cars & asking for his teddy bear at nap time, tomorrow he'll ride a bike, learn to read & all too soon begin a life of his own.