Saturday, September 20, 2008

Night & Day
My newborn experience with Carter, granted it has only been a week, has been drastically different than with Logan. I've honestly never been happier in my entire life. Sure, it's still life & there are bills to pay, money is still tight & there have been times where Logan's constant whining & tantrums have driven me to think about hanging him by his toenails in the front yard tree (& have a beer once or twice this week), but over all - it's been pure joy.

This time I didn't even so much as have the baby blues let alone postpartum depression. I've shed some tears here & there, but it's been in the morning when I'm getting ready for the day & thinking about how lucky I am to have two healthy boys, great friends that I can count on & a husband who finally seems to be on the same page as I am about the difficult issues we have to deal with. So, they've been happy tears which I'll take any day. I've been on cloud nine, almost wondering to myself if there is such a thing as postpartum mania.

After Logan was born, I clearly remember the distinctive feeling of the hormone shift on the second night. The wash of feeling the need to cry from every cell in my body from my head to my toes. The hair loss - handfuls coming out in the shower, covering my bathroom floor & my clothes, another sign of the hormone shift (& stress). I know I started out having the baby blues, but now I know without a shadow of a doubt that Grandma L pushed me into postpartum depression.

After you have a baby, you are asked by every OB, pediatrician, lactation consultant, nurse, counselor, everyone you meet in the hospital & well-baby appointments about postpartum depression & how you feel. I've talked to countless professionals over the last week about the difference in experiences & every single one of them agrees - I didn't have to feel the way I felt after Logan was born; hurt, violated, confused as to what to do about it all & medication wasn't the answer, either.

I never got the chance to recover in peace. I never got the chance to bond with Logan like I have with Carter since he was being held hostage. My feelings were never taken into consideration at all. After living the difference & knowing exactly what I was missing out on, there is greater resentment building towards her. I didn't like her after all that we've gone through & now I dislike her even more. I truly understand how toxic she has been to our family & what she took away from us.

The "no extended family for at least two weeks" rule that we enforced has been one of the best decisions we've made. I'm even lucky enough to not have to worry about their visit for a whole month since they decided to come out for Cousin B's second birthday on October 10th, killing two birds with one stone. The pieces of the happiness puzzle here (making a plan of action, enforcing boundaries & understanding what is important at the core) have all come together creating peace & harmony in our home, even amidst the temper tantrums & whining coming from Logan.

I hope the pieces hold up through their visit & the happiness in our home survives. If we keep doing what we're doing, I'm pretty sure we'll make out OK, no matter what gets thrown at us.


momto1 said...

I am so glad to hear that this experience is going well for you--that you have had the time to bond with Carter without intrusions.

Eriness said...

Good for you! That is also what is great about nursing, you get him all to yourself most of the time! I secretly enjoyed that with in laws. I left the room to nurse and ESCAPED!!!