Equal to bigamy?
Throughout the entire pregnancy with Carter, I never once felt guilty that Logan would have to share his time with us or that his world would change. I always thought that he would adjust very well since he is really good about sharing, is independent & has been fascinated with babies. I planned on keeping him involved by being my little helper, which he loves to do anyway. I thought being a Big Brother would make him feel important & special, even though he's only two. And then I heard this piece of conversation today...
"My sister was reading a book that said that bringing home a new baby is to the older sibling what you'd feel like if bigamy was legal and your husband brought home another wife. I never thought of it like that!"
Well. I never thought about it like that either. It makes a lot of sense. After taking that in, my stomach dropped & for the first time I felt an intense wash of guilt flow through my blood. An irrational thought of "Holy crap! What did I do? I can't take this back!" popped out of the recesses of my sporadically functioning pregnancy-brain. I know how jealous I would be if the tables were turned & I had to "share" & for some unknown reason, it never clicked with me on how Logan might feel until now. Until we are virtually days away from expecting Carter's birth.
Maybe I was blinded by optimism & refused to believe that Logan would be emotionally hurt by the arrival of his brother. As I watched him play out in the backyard by himself, swinging on his stomach on the swings, driving his cars across the fence, relentlessly chasing Buddha around & playing pretend with his dinosaurs, I felt sorry that he was alone. I always imagined how much fun he would have with his little brother & never imagined that he might dislike him just because of his existence in our home.
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that not all of us like our siblings. Some of us had intense sibling rivalry as kids that we grew out of (my sisters & I had daily hair-pulling fights) & some of us grew to dislike our brothers or sisters as adults (Bill might feel this way now, but I can't speak for him). As mothers, we always dream of the perfect family - kids playing together peacefully & lovingly. I think mothers of boys even take it a step farther & dream about the brotherly love their kids will share - a sibling connection that is stronger than one can fathom. Now I am afraid that I have unrealistic expectations or dreams of the relationship that Logan & Carter may have.
I can only hope that Bill & I express to Logan effectively (for a two year old) that Carter is not a subtraction from him or us, but an addition to our family. That even though our time will be divided, our happiness will double. I want to keep thinking that things will work out as I had hoped them to.