I've been thinking a lot about parenting the last few days.
What kind of parents we will be, what kind of role models we had. For some reason I've been stuck on the thought of unwanted children (mistakes) & them being treated as such. It really blows my mind as a soon to be mother. I could never treat my child with hatred or negativity. I suppose these thoughts have been a reflection of my childhood & the examples I had for parents.
I know I was an unwanted baby. I have an array of baby pictures to prove it. I don't have a single snapshot or family portrait that shows everyone smiling, & if someone is, it's fake (except for the kids). There is one inparticular that is of a screaming me (probably 3 months old) on my mom's lap with her looking at me in disgust.
That picture pretty much sums up my childhhood life. I feel like I was the one who trapped her into two relationships that she never wanted in the first place, one with my dad & one with me. My dad never wanted anything to do with me until it was too late & I had grown up & didn't need a dad anymore (this still confuses the hell out of me). I don't remember ever being treated as though I was loved & wanted (by either of them). I just remember disfunction, negativity & darkness until I was married.
Bill however, was born into a midwestern "Cleaver" family. One where the children were loved, there were happy family vacations to Disneyland & nobody screamed at eachother. I hear stories of him trying to catch birds in the back yard, the traditional McDonalds birthday cake & helping his dad work on the car. He is a very lucky person to have such a good family.
I know in my heart of hearts that we will be great parents, even though our experiences are drasticaly different. I had great examples of what not to do, while Bill has the background of love & stability.
I am so excited for Bill to be a dad. His anticipation & enthusiasum are contagious. I am so lucky to have married a great guy like him. He gets just as excited as I am about decorating the nursery, buying baby clothes & fanticising about our new lives as a little family. He talks about how emotional he's going to be at Logans birth (we're both going to be blubbering messes), staying home on "maternity leave" (he's taking 3 weeks off), taking family walks with the stroller, teaching Logan about disc golf & talks about how much he already loves him, even though he hasn't been born yet. He is going to be a wonderfull dad. I will be the most extatic & lucky of all moms if Logan turns out to be anything like his father.