Thursday, April 12, 2007

Reflection & thinking
It's been another day where a daytime TV show provokes a reflection of the past. This afternoon Dr. Phil did a show (partially) on HG. I've known about this shows taping & airing for a few months now, because I would get frequent email updates from the HER foundation. I think I found out on Logan's birthday because I remember thinking to myself that I was incredibly thankful that I could eat birthday cake with him, where just a year prior, I couldn't eat anything.

I've mentioned bits & pieces of my life with HG here & there. I'm sure most of it is on The Pregnancy Story (duh). In my pre-blogging days, I kept a journal. This afternoon I took it out & read some of the things I wrote about HG & my experiences.

Saturday, June 18, 2005
The month of June sure has been interesting & very challenging. It's been interesting in the way my body has been changing, smells, tastes, food cravings; but very challenging in the way of morning sickness.

...In the sixth week (of pregnancy) I was eating less. I could barely eat dinner or drink water...which brings me to the seventh week, where I couldn't eat anything & morning sickness took over.

Morning sickness started early & gradually. I was getting sick before I even knew I was pregnant. The funny thing was that I was sick at night in the beginning. It was mostly in the 8pm hour that things got bad. After a while of trying to tough it out, I canceled my 8pm clients. I was running out of the gym when Bill came to pick me up, hands covering my mouth, gagging & dry heaving in the car. Thank God the drive home was only a few short minutes. Bill would drop me off at the stairwell. I would sprint up three flights of stairs, run down the hall to our apartment, throw open the door & barely make it to the bathroom. It felt like I had the flu for weeks.

Soon I was feeling sick earlier in the day. It would start around 4pm & get worse. By 8pm, I was debilitated. I was throwing up at work in between clients & then throwing up in the morning after breakfast. Soon I was throwing up all the time.

In my seventh week, I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't keep any food down for a few days. Event he smallest sip of water made me sick. I was starving & dehydrated. I went to the doctor to get some medication. When the nurse checked me in & got me on the scale, I was very worried. I had lost 5 pounds in a week or less...the doctor assured me that the weight loss was OK & normal for morning sickness & the baby would be fine...

Tuesday, July 5, 2005
I'm now in my tenth week & a lot has happened...The pregnancy has still been really difficult. Morning sickness feels like it is really killing me. All I do is work a few hours in the morning, throw up, come home & sleep, eat, throw up & sleep some more. I have no desire to workout still, which is probably a good thing because I continue to lose weight. I went to see the doctor on the first of July for my first prenatal exam. I had been really sick for two days prior. I had lost another 4 pounds. Now it's a total of 10 pounds lost...I asked for a stronger prescription. They wouldn't give me one. They really don't seem to be the least bit worried that I'm so sick & losing so much weight...

Monday, August 29, 2005
During the eleventh week I ended up in the doctors office to get re-hydrated by I.V. Once again, morning sickness took a turn for the worst & I couldn't keep anything down. The nurses took me back to weigh in. I was 117 pounds. I've never weighed that little in my adult life. I broke out into tears again. Bill mentioned how my clothes were hanging off of me & you could see my spine & other bones sticking out.

The nurse hooked me up to the I.V. It went in pretty quick. Another nurse came in & hooked up a second bag & added some medication to it. I think I had an allergic reaction to it because I felt like I was in space. The nurse came back when the bag was empty. I was really tired & when she would ask me questions, I was slow to answer & my speech was slurred. She said I was worse than when I came in. They wrapped me up in blankets & wheel chaired me down to urgent care. Anther set of nurses took my vitals & my blood pressure had dropped to 80/72. They hooked me up to a third bag & added a different medication. A doctor came in to see me. I had been there for 5 hours. He mentioned that if they couldn't get me better in the next hour, they would have to admit me to the hospital for a 24 hour watch. Fortunately, I got better.

The next four weeks were tough because I went into a deep depression. The new medication was helping, but I still felt gross & I was sick & tired of being on the couch all day long. It was such a drastic change from the lifestyle I used to have...

Friday, September 2, 2005
It's strange how it took a trip to urgent care to get stronger medication when I had asked for it weeks earlier at my first prenatal appointment. The pill that worked out best was Zofran, which is a medication that they give cancer patients to help them feel better after chemo. I kind of felt like I had cancer, minus the pain. I've ended up losing 15 pounds...

Wednesday, September 7, 2005
Well, the morning sickness came back full force this weekend. Not as bad, but I was throwing up a lot. I tried to get off the medication, but couldn't do it. Plus, I've had a cold all week. I went online & did a little research. I saw a link for "Hyperemesis Gravidarum". I remember the doctor saying something about that when I was on I.V. At the time I thought the was the clinical name for morning sickness. It turns out that it's not.

"HG" is morning sickness times ten. I read a lot of womens stories from all over the world. Some of them have been in the hospital 40 plus times, some have had to terminate their pregnancy because it was so bad. Other have had miscarriages & most are on medication their whole pregnancy. When I read everything about it, my jaw hit the floor. Everything made sense now. It also made me feel better to know that I wasn't alone in how I felt. Even if my family didn't understand me 100%, there was a world of other women who did. It was also nice to know that I was on the more moderate end of the symptoms. Some women are feeling much worse than I am. Needless to say, I'm on the site everyday now...

I often think about having another baby. It would be nice to have more family & another baby in the house now that Logan isn't a baby anymore, but a full fledged little boy. And then I read this. And I remember the depression. The complete & utter feeling of illness. The thoughts & wondering if I could continue on with the pregnancy or was my life in danger. Was I going to starve to death & lose my baby too. Then I think that maybe another pregnancy isn't such a good idea. HG runs in the family. My mom had it with all of her pregnancies. My sister had a mild case with hers. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would have to live with it again & then this time, with a rambunctious toddler to take care of.

Sometimes I think that HG is limiting the size of our family. I know that there are other women who go through it more than once, but I don't know if I can. Maybe it has to be in The Grand Plan, The Big Picture, for baby number 2. Right now, after this post, I don't think it's in my plan. I'm sure I'll continue to think about it a lot.

So, with all of this thinking going on, Lizzy nominated me for a Thinking Blogger award. My blogging intentions were to initially just record my new life as a stay at home mom. I never thought my life would make me think more, let alone anyone else in the world. I do have to say though, that motherhood has made me think more about life & myself & the things that matter than any other time in my life. So thanks for the award Lizzy!!!

These are other bloggers I've chosen for the award because they make me think about the things that matter too:


Wendy said...

WOW! I had never heard of this until Erin mentioned it in her last post! I decided to Google it! I tell you that I will NEVER complain about the naseau that I felt the first few months!

Mof2 said...

I read about this in one of the baby magazines while I was pregnant with Pumpkin. It was something that I had never heard of and never in my life could I imagine being pregnant and having to deal with it. I am so sorry that you and your family members have had to go through it.

Kayce said...

Thanks for the nomination! I'll probably do my own tomorrow, if I can remember.

Although my morning sickness never got as bad as yours, I understand completely what you went through. I had the same depression (with both pregnancies, although not as bad this time) and feeling that I was completely alone in my misery. I was on medication to keep any food down also and hated every pill I had to swallow. I realize now I must have had a very mild case of HG last time for the nausea to last through the whole (shortened) pregnancy. Because of my own experiences with it, I will likely never give birth again either. It's sad when should be a normal pregnancy symptom can be bad enough to bring us to such a serious decision. Thank you for writing about it. It makes all of us who had really bad morning sickness feel a little less alone.

Anonymous said...

Sheesh, and I thought my morning sickness was bad with #2! But it was nothing like that!

Wow, thanks for the nomination! I am so honored! I just sit here and write--it's almost a little scary to know that I actually make someone think! So I'm supposed to nominate 5 people now? I'll do it tomorrow!

debra said...

Thank you for the nomination, Kristin! I love your blog and really appreciate you reading mine.

Hugs to Logan!

House said...

I remember reading about how sick you were with Logan--I can't imagine what it must've been like for you.
I agree with Wendy--I was definitely sick during my first trimester, but after reading more about HG, I won't be complaining so much anymore.
We think about another baby a lot these days. I won't lie: I really want another baby, which is totally alarming and surprising for me. But I wonder if I'll have the stamina to care for an active toddler. And I had a "normal" pregnancy, so I can't imagine how HG really must factor into your own decision.
Either way, your family is wonderful and beautiful--be it the three of you, or more.

Lizzy said...

House? Yeah, that's me. Lizzy.

House is my alterego! (It all depends on how I'm logged in to my Gmail, me thinks)