Thursday, August 30, 2007

How much is too much?
I'm at an interesting point in my life right now. For years & years & years, I've kept up a wall; not letting people in & giving them a chance to know the "real" me. I'm friendly & cordial, but I have secrets of my past lives that only family & the friends that I still have from my childhood know. It takes me a very long time to build trust (or rebuild trust, for that matter). This is one reason that blogging is such an important part of my life. Not only is it a way to record my life memories, but it's a way to vent or express myself without having to involve other people (& for some reason, it doesn't bother me that The World knows by reading it or that I can email some friends very personal things that I would never write about).

After having lived a year in our small town, I'm at a crossroad. This is about the length of time it takes for me to begin letting parts of The Wall down or begin trusting someone again. For example, I caught Bill smoking a while back. This was a big deal because he was hiding it from me & it's also a very touchy subject as well (thus, why he was hiding it). It's taken me almost a year & a half to finally stop checking the bank account for cigarette purchases or snoop in possible secret hiding spots. To some people this is extreme. To me, that's how I am. Trust is not an easy thing for me to do.

The inner conundrum for me is in developing real & true friendships. After a year here, I've made some great friends. They are fun & lighthearted relationships, but superficial in the way that they don't know any real details about me before Logan was born. But now, there is an opportunity to let someone in & really know who I am. To have a close friend again, someone I can share anything with, which I haven't had since high school. I'm feeling vulnerable & I really don't want to screw it up because this is a step that I very rarely take.

Since joining The Club, my massage therapist friend & I have had some similar experiences that we could share with each other. We both have openly vented about our crazy in-laws, which for me was a great emotional support in just knowing that I wasn't alone. Recently, she's been going through some things with her own family that has made her very upset & she's felt comfortable enough to share her feelings with me.

The other day I met with her for a massage. She was depressed & emotionally worn down from the family issues she has been dealing with. She mentioned how she needed a massage too, but in being in this emotional state, she would breakdown as massages tend to do that (I guess it gets out more than just muscle knots). We talked about all sorts of stuff while she attempted to get my back muscles to relax. The conversation took a bit of a morbid turn & we talked about funeral wishes & burial sites.

I told her that I didn't know if I wanted to be buried because I don't think of any particular city or state as "home". We talked about Utah (where I was born & raised) where I began to tell her things about my childhood that I just don't openly share (for fear of judgment, not shame). Out of nowhere, I began to tear up & cry. "Oh my God! This is so stupid! I'm over this!" I cried, wiping the tears from my face. I could hear her sniffle as she patted my leg saying that it was OK & it's just the massage getting things out.

Later in the day I had to laugh about it because she mentioned she would do this & didn't want to breakdown in front of somebody she didn't know & what do I end up doing. I also cringed thinking that it was way too much information (which to the "normal" person, it probably wasn't). We emailed back & forth a little while she reassured me that this happens all of the time in massages & that people will say things that they don't tell their closest friends.

We met up last night for our workout & talked a little more about it while we stretched. She was glad that I felt comfortable enough to talk about it with her & that it was probably something that needed to come out. She talked about her family stuff too & we had an awesome workout. While we were on cardio, she was talking about how joining The Club has been great for her because she finally feels like she has friends that she can share anything with, which she hasn't had since high school either.

There is so much in common between the two of us & what we both want out of a friendship. We both want to be able to talk about personal feelings, challenges with motherhood or marriage. We both want to give & receive support, be it a helping hand with the kids, a shoulder to cry on or a night out on the town to have a drink & gossip. I know that in order for me to make this happen, I have to be willing to let The Wall down. It's a scary step because I'm always afraid that if I share something personal that person will think, Did I really need to know that about you? Judgment & rejection are always scary, I suppose. But that's also the risk you have to take when developing a close friendship. The best things in life are never easy.

1 comment:

Bringing Up Ben said...

I could have written this post (but not as eloquently).