Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Non-deleted post: Sleepless ramblings
I just need to unload here. I've mentioned my insomnia before & how it's directly related to stress. Over the course of the last year, it was pretty bad. There were nights that I did not sleep a wink. I watched the sunrise & listened to the morning birds sing their songs. They were very strange experiences. It's better than it's been, but there are good nights & bad. It all depends on how much stress there is (not caffeine, as Bill seems to believe). Tonight seems to be one of those nights.

I know at this point it's ridiculously stupid to worry about these stresses, but I do. During the day I'm fine & having fun with Logan & our friends. At night, it's a different story. I'm up trying to find something to take my mind off of what's running though my head (yea for celebrity gossip sites), but I'm all too often up until the wee hours of the morning. For the sake of getting it out of my head, I'm putting my stress & fears out there, on here, no matter how stupid they may be. While most people worry about money & other common stresses, the two triggers that are keeping me up at night are the holidays & trying for baby #2. These events in & of themselves are not major stresses to me, it's when Bill's family gets in the mix (or will be in the mix).

I don't expect all hell to break loose this Christmas (sort of), but what bothers me is that this could be our last Christmas with trying to develop our own family traditions. Developing these special traditions is so important to me. I want Logan to have fond holiday memories of the things we do as a family. As super crappy as my childhood was, Christmas Eve is still a really happy memory since it seemed to be the only time we were semi-normal. It was one of the few times in our lives that there was magic. This magic made me believe in Santa well into my school years. I want to make memories of cutting down our Christmas tree together & coming home to Christmas music & hot chocolate while we decorate the house. I want to remember the Christmas pajama's that we all get on Christmas Eve & wear all day as we lounge around on Christmas Day. The breakfast feast, the thoughtful stocking stuffers, the magic of Santa. These are the happy memories that I want to create for us.

While all of this may happen this year, it may be the last year. Bill's parents are moving here in the summer. Because of the way they are, our traditions will be no longer & it will be all about "their" traditions. They will need to be included in every aspect of our holidays, from the tree cutting to the pajamas & Christmas Day. We won't have anything of our own. This bring us to baby #2. They will be here when the baby is born. They will demand that Logan spend the night with them while I'm in labor. As retired grandparents, they will be over often, taking the baby from me again, too. They will want us to come over every weekend. Every holiday will be spent with them, every opportunity we have to form our own family bond will be interrupted.

The stress keeps me up because I have very little faith that it will be any different. I am not confidant that the changes we've been working on will stick when they are around 24/7. And you know what's so irritating about stressing over this? These things won't happen for months down the line! But here I am, awake & freaked out to the ends of the earth about it. It sucks & I hate it. I wish I could be certain that this isn't our future. Maybe then I would finally sleep like a normal person.


MrFunkMD said...

K, first order of business, Holiday traditions you should consider implementing:

First snow-in of the season it's imperative that the three of you sit around the house and bake cookies. Thus, you must always have cooking baking supplies on hand, for a trip to the store will be impossible. You're snowed in remember. Now, this is important also...non of that low fat crap ok? REAL cookies. Soon Logan will discover another "C" word..this one way cooler than the first.

Second- Although I really haven't talked to you and B about his rents too much, we have talked about issues in that vein before and from that and you're musings here it really is obvious that there butting-in (for lack of better term) really does bother you. In fact I'd venture that it bothers you even more than you let on. I wish I could say I had all the answers for you but I'm not going to kid myself. Though, I wanted to say that I think you need to realize that this is a good problem to have. Waaaaah! family members love my son too much waaaah! I agree with the saying that "it takes a community to raise a child." The more interactions Logan can have with others, particularly people who care for him who aren't mommy and daddy the better off he will be in the long run. Just keep telling yourself that their hearts are in the right place, and if in your opinion they are trying to undermined you, it's probably subconscious actions on their part not malicious ones.

There is more I would like to say on this topic really but this probably isn't the place. Happy Holidays to my 303 crew and best of luck in your future baby making & non non-fat cookie baking.


Kristin said...

We'll totally have to implement the snow-in baking tradition. When are we ever going to say no to cookies! Even if they are full fat :)

With the rest of the stuff, I think the heart of the issue is that creating these happy memories for our family is imperative to me & with the entitlement issues, the lack of respect for boundaries, the overall mistrust & the overbearing nature of the grandparents, it goes over the line of "loving Logan too much".

In essence, it leave me with the "donating uterus" feeling, especially when I'm left out of family pictures (which I don't think is subconscious) & everything that we want to do that is special to us (me) won't matter because of how they want to run the show.

If we were a normal family (whatever that's supposed to mean), all of these tradition take overs wouldn't matter.

Erin said...

Oh, the lovely in-laws...the only thing I really know to say is you are going to have to be firm with what you want. If you don't want them over every weekend, you're going to have to tell them that as much as you love them you all need family alone time too. You and Bill and Logan(and eventually baby#2!) come first...for holidays, tell them what you all have planned and ask them what their plans are...and compromise. Don't let them take over the show. Keep up with your traditions...they mean a lot to you, and they will mean a lot to your kids in the future! Some of my fondest memories of my childhood were of our family traditions on holidays. I feel for you, I know what it's like to be up all night worrying about things...I hope you can get some peace of mind and some rest soon...

Anonymous said...

B's parents are no longer the decision makers of what you and B do for the Holidays. You and B are both adults with your own children. You are entitled to make your traditions and own decisions regarding the holidays. Make your plans for the three of you, then set some time aside for the rest of them. Maybe Christmas eve is just the three of you! Christmas day, dinner and presents with everyone? Whatever you decide, just be sure to give Logan the best Christmas by allowing everyone to be a part of it.

Jaime said...

Hey ;)

I have dealt with the same thing you are going through now. And the only thing I can tell you is to stay strong and put your foot down.

Without going too much into it (but in order to explain a bit) My Mom and Dad sound very much like your inlaws. After the birth of my children they began to expect weekend visits each and every week. But wrangling up 2, 3 and then 4 children became too much. After the birth of our 3rd we stopped making the trips.

My Mother held alot of anger because of it and it upset me greatly but over the last couple of years she's stopped complaning and things are better.

Sorry to hear you're going through this and I hope it all resolves for you. And good luck with the baby making and traditions. I know you'll achieve exactly what you want!!


MrFunkMD said...

"especially when I'm left out of family pictures (which I don't think is subconscious) "

What the eff? Did that really happen? My lord.