Non-deleted post: Sleepless ramblings
I just need to unload here. I've mentioned my insomnia before & how it's directly related to stress. Over the course of the last year, it was pretty bad. There were nights that I did not sleep a wink. I watched the sunrise & listened to the morning birds sing their songs. They were very strange experiences. It's better than it's been, but there are good nights & bad. It all depends on how much stress there is (not caffeine, as Bill seems to believe). Tonight seems to be one of those nights.
I know at this point it's ridiculously stupid to worry about these stresses, but I do. During the day I'm fine & having fun with Logan & our friends. At night, it's a different story. I'm up trying to find something to take my mind off of what's running though my head (yea for celebrity gossip sites), but I'm all too often up until the wee hours of the morning. For the sake of getting it out of my head, I'm putting my stress & fears out there, on here, no matter how stupid they may be. While most people worry about money & other common stresses, the two triggers that are keeping me up at night are the holidays & trying for baby #2. These events in & of themselves are not major stresses to me, it's when Bill's family gets in the mix (or will be in the mix).
I don't expect all hell to break loose this Christmas (sort of), but what bothers me is that this could be our last Christmas with trying to develop our own family traditions. Developing these special traditions is so important to me. I want Logan to have fond holiday memories of the things we do as a family. As super crappy as my childhood was, Christmas Eve is still a really happy memory since it seemed to be the only time we were semi-normal. It was one of the few times in our lives that there was magic. This magic made me believe in Santa well into my school years. I want to make memories of cutting down our Christmas tree together & coming home to Christmas music & hot chocolate while we decorate the house. I want to remember the Christmas pajama's that we all get on Christmas Eve & wear all day as we lounge around on Christmas Day. The breakfast feast, the thoughtful stocking stuffers, the magic of Santa. These are the happy memories that I want to create for us.
While all of this may happen this year, it may be the last year. Bill's parents are moving here in the summer. Because of the way they are, our traditions will be no longer & it will be all about "their" traditions. They will need to be included in every aspect of our holidays, from the tree cutting to the pajamas & Christmas Day. We won't have anything of our own. This bring us to baby #2. They will be here when the baby is born. They will demand that Logan spend the night with them while I'm in labor. As retired grandparents, they will be over often, taking the baby from me again, too. They will want us to come over every weekend. Every holiday will be spent with them, every opportunity we have to form our own family bond will be interrupted.
The stress keeps me up because I have very little faith that it will be any different. I am not confidant that the changes we've been working on will stick when they are around 24/7. And you know what's so irritating about stressing over this? These things won't happen for months down the line! But here I am, awake & freaked out to the ends of the earth about it. It sucks & I hate it. I wish I could be certain that this isn't our future. Maybe then I would finally sleep like a normal person.