Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Since my cover as our family's private investigator has been blown (or more like the extent was realized), when confronting Bill about possible untruths I am just flat out, straight up asking him rather than stewing in my suspicions. We've had open discussions about smoking where if he does have a slip up, he doesn't lie about it (from what I can tell) and things that are small simple acts that are glaring red flags for me (like closing out the browser to clear the internet history), I've asked if he has set up secret email accounts, etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next lie to surface or for Bill to slip up and get busted. Again. Rebuilding trust is a sucky process.

One unsettling thing that I've discovered in my conversations will Bill is how rampant dishonesty is in many other people's relationships. All of Bill's coworkers that he's buddies with are keeping secrets from their wives. Nobody is involved in infidelity (as far as I know), but every one of them is secretly doing something that their wife would greatly disprove of. It makes my stomach turn to know that so many people are fine with lying to their loved ones and most importantly, the ones that they are supposed to love the most. It also makes me keep my guard up despite Bill telling me that he's told his friends that they should second guess keeping secrets from their wives because someday, they will get caught and it won't be pretty. Speaking from experience, he knows. But, if he's lied to me for MANY years and so many of his friends are lying, what's to say he's really going to realize how hurtful this is and change? You know what I mean?

I really don't understand why it's so hard to tell the truth. Has honesty vanished as a valuable trait?


Smurfett said...

This is something I deal with but I see it from the other side as well. My partner does the same thing, keeping things from me sometimes because he knows I won't approve. And I sometimes do the same. I think some people don't think of it as lying, more like just omission.

Anyways, when i find out, I'm usually sad because of what it says about our relationship. My opinion is that the "disapprover" isn't stating their preferences in a positive manner. Because ideally noone should be making the other person do anything the don't want to do, or making the other person feel that they can't do this or that. But rather, each side makes an effort to do what will please the other side because they care.

Of course, that's one way to think about it. Then you also have people who just lie.

Alicia Seevers said...

I have caught my husband in several lies. Nothing horrible concerning our relationship, thankfully. However he lies all the time on the phone with his parents and when I ask him why he says "they don't know any better and it makes them feel good." This statement is the reason why I let him deal with his needy parents on all issues!
I hope Bill has learned his lesson, but sometimes I think men do stuff just to see if their wife will catch them, never considering the impact it has on her!

momto1 said...

Oh-my-gosh...I feel like this is a post that I will one day write myself. I recently caught my husband doing some pretty sneaky stuff...and we are now in therapy and I am looming over his every move waiting for the next "slip-up". Secret email accounts were just the START of what I found out...It sounds like you've been there before...It is really hard to rebuild trust. He is trying though--granted, I'm making him jump through some pretty big hoops to earn it. It is just crappy.

Joanna said...

I hate reading that...I mean I know that their are things that people do that aren't honest...But to go behind the backs of their spouses. Hmmm..I wonder what Zack could be hiding. I know that he smokes and it was pretty secretive for a while. I would ask him but he would deny it, even though I have a nose like a hound! I finally was in his car one day and found the cigars. (black and milds) YUCK! Anyways...I hope that is all that he would lie about. The truth always comes out!