Friday, January 16, 2009

Time out

The other night Bill and I had a conversation about his family and where to go from here. We were supposed to go to counseling with Grandma L while she was here visiting and Bill and I were going to meet with our counselor together first, but she ended up getting sick and needed to reschedule - after Grandma L goes back home. Now, we are no longer going to counseling with Grandma L anytime soon. Bill thinks the next time she will visit will be later in the summer, possibly July. I think it will be in the spring, sometime around Easter. But it's always a guessing game with them. Nobody has any plans (or communicates them) until the very last minute. At this point, it doesn't matter anymore.

Since there's not going to be any steps made towards a resolution, a time-out is in progress. I suppose it started during Christmas, but now it's continuing for an undecided amount of time. Bill is still going to talk to them as usual and send pictures occasionally (which I don't agree with - I see his point, but still don't like it). The kids and I will not see or speak to them at all. I've removed the in-laws that I had on my Facebook list so I can still add pictures and updates there without it getting around to the members who are on the time-out. They don't know about and are not invited to Logan's birthday party on Saturday. Aunt Ju-Ju had Cousin Q yesterday afternoon, so Bill will visit with them all for a little bit on Sunday. He doesn't plan on explaining anything to them, just that we aren't going to visit. They know why anyway.

I've made a call to my OB about getting some blood work done and gave them the heads up about the medication. They won't be back in the office until Tuesday. So, that whole situation will get figured out soon enough too. Hopefully sooner than later.

These are the first steps to an in-law free life. Thank God.


Joanna said...

I hate that it all had to go like that...They seem so stubborn and a few other words...I hope that this time out works out and that in the end it all works out for the best for you all.

TYPE 1 DM and an AP Mother said...

Yay! Good for you. :)

I have difficult inlawas but my husband deals with them. Our story is different but I can relate.

Be free from the choas!


Jen said...

Okay...I'm gonna say this, and I certainly don't mean it as an attack against you, but I can see your situation becoming exactly like the situation was between Shawn and me when the inlaws were still around.

From the outside, it seems like Bill has completely manipulated this situation to make it seem like he is on your side: He says the right things, he agrees with you, he says he's fine with you not going over to their house...but the fact is he is getting his cake and eating it too. He hasn't had to have any direct confrontations with the IL's, he constantly throws you under the bus (not seeing them is fine, but he'll still update them on everything and send them pictures, etc.

I mean, come on...they live in a different state. OF COURSE he's saying it's okay if you don't go see them this time. Because after this visit they're gonna go home and then he doesn't actually have to DO ANYTHING, yet you still walk away feeling like you've "won" a battle, without him really having to do anything substantial.

I understand how frustrating it can be. I know how maddening the cycle of bullshit can become, and how it becomes easy to be sucked in by his words. But the reality is, he still hasn't stepped up to the plate. If he had, HE wouldn't be going over. HE wouldn't be sending pictues. HE wouldn't be giving them updates. HE would have the balls to say, "Either you sincerely apologize to my wife, or you will not be apart of our lives until you can." And he isn't doing any of that. He's feeding you a few good lines, and then going ahead and doing what he wants anyway.

I could be way off base here, and please ignore this if I am. But from the outside, it seems like he's making it seem like you guys are on the path to being a united front, but he's not actually DOING anything to show that you are. His actions seem to say that he's still willing to roll over to his mommy.

Kristin said...

Nope, not out of line at all Jen. That's 100% accurate. To the "T".

I would give my right arm to have Bill actually stand up & say exactly those words. Hell, I'd give both my legs while I was at it. But, I've realized that Bill is not going to be the Knight in Shinning Armor for me in this situation. I've asked him to before he went over to Grandpa L's birthday dinner when we got that email from Aunt Ju-Ju & Uncle J (& Grandma L) & he does nothing until I freak out about the situation. Then when I try to take matters into my own hands (like when the grandparents were coming over to open presents), Bill's fear of confronting the truth & standing up to his parents takes over & he avoids the confrontation (like when he called them & told them to go home).

At this point, I just have to accept that a step has been made in the right direction rather than no step at all. Even if it is him chickening out & is pacifying the problem. I am PISSED that he still thinks it's OK to send them pictures & talk to them like everything is hunky dory. He still has the "they are my parents" mentality even though I've brought up "well, I'm your wife". He still says, "but I want them to see pictures of the kids" where I comeback to remind him that not seeing the kids is their choice. He doesn't see the harm & thinks that sending pictures & not seeing the kids during visits will make them realize what they are missing out on. I just see his mom making scrapbooks & emailing the pictures to everyone she knows playing Grandma Of The Year.

He still has yet to say anything to his mom about her spreading lies saying that I abused her. That is inexcusable to me & I am ASTOUNDED that he's not even bothered by it let alone angry. Really, I don't even have the words. She has no idea what abuse is. And to accuse me of it has ruined her relationship with our family forever. It's a shame that Bill doesn't see it that way. Well, shame is an understatement.

Our marriage will never be where I wish it to be until he does these things (the exact statements you mention). I guess he's fine with where we are now. It's not horrible like it was a few months ago, but it could still be better. These are the missing pieces for me. I'm not hopeful that we'll ever get there.

Charlie said...

Keep strong Kristin