Friday, December 12, 2008

I don't want to believe it, but I guess it's so

Obviously, there has been a lot going on over here:
  1. Our bank account is drained of everything.
  2. I work harder than I ever have trying to make up the money for it (with a LOT of help from friends) in 2 weeks.
  3. I discover a lie.
  4. Our bank account is hit again but by a different company taking out 5 monthly payments.
  5. Trying to organize our bills during this whole fiasco.
  6. Try not to worry about the impending family visit during Christmas (unsuccessfully).
I think that about covers it. I also think that I'm justified in being super-stressed. However, all of this has seemingly landed my butt into postpartum depression.

I have been fighting this fact tooth and nail. I refused to believe it, asking who the hell wouldn't be freaked out with all of this going on at once. But, since the infamous Monday bankruptcy, I began to wake up with the breath sucked out of me realizing that I woke up to this reality. I lost my appetite and ate maybe a meal a day, if even that. "Stay Positive"? Yeah, right. For the first week after all of this, I felt like I had been hit by a truck and it wasn't from my workouts. Running wasn't really cutting it for me anymore, and our tree is still undecorated and half-lit.

We went to see our marriage counselor a couple of days ago and it came up that they (she and Bill) think I have postpartum depression and need to go on medication. I was pissed. Well, pissed wasn't even the word. Beyond pissed is more like it. It was just one more thing to deal with. Wasn't everything else enough?

It upset me on so many different levels. First, I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't handle my life during a stressful time when I should have been able to keep it together. I felt broken or defective. I was angry that after years of being able to handle a lifetime of insanity, that now I had to go on medication. I was angry that I had to suffer the side-effects of medication, ultimately making a difficult situation even more difficult (heart palpitations, weird feeling in my throat to start with), not to mention fears of other side effects (weight gain, "relationship" problems). The side effect that enraged me was nausea. I JUST lived nine months of my life with constant nausea and now I have to keep on with it for a different reason?! That alone would depress me more than anything else.

I begrudgingly called my OB to get the prescription filled. Last night on my drive home from the gym, I was deep in thought about all of this and my refusal to believe that I have postpartum depression, that this was all just life crap happening. Then I remembered what life was like with Logan in his babyhood. And that I thought the same thing - that it was all life crap. And how months (more than a year?) later after talking to a postpartum depression specialist who told me that life stress can cause you to go into postpartum depression I realized that I had lived undiagnosed and untreated.

I'm still angry, but a little less. I'm on day 3 of the medication.


Katherine Stone said...

You're not defective and you shouldn't be ashamed. You're normal. This happens to hundreds of thousands of women all across America. I'm glad you have such supportive people around you who care about your health, and I'm glad you're getting treatment. Here's wishing you good mental health!

tyfamilyadventures said...

I worked in banking the best thing you can do is close out that could leave it open to get your money back,but I would start a new account or they will keep doing it under the pretense of a different company so a stop pay wouldnt work..I know how hard depression is it gets better..Try to eat something when you take the meds so you dont get sick..take care hope you feel better soon...

Ashley said...

I don't necessarily believe this is post-partum, more like circumstantial. I'm no expert, but with all the crap going on in your life, you're not goiong to be happy. Don't feel bad that you're not, because you are going through a really really hard time, and I'm sorry. But, I am a strong proponent of snti-depressants, but that's just me. I'm horrible without them. Maybe give them a shot, see how you do, and once things get straightened out you can get off.

workout mommy said...

don't beat yourself up, you are doing the best you can with some very stressful circumstances right now. Hang in there! :)

Alicia Seevers said...

Bill needs to take some responsibility for at least half your stress (his lying and his family). He can't just use PPD as an excuse for his behavior!

Eriness said...

I have had post partum depression and don't beat yourself up, your kids and husband would much rather prefer a mom who is happy and not stressed and maybe 5- 10 pounds heavier than mommy who is tearing her hair out. But I would not want to be confronted in that way at all. Not cool.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I don't know much about PPD, so I can't say much about that...but I do think that being confronted in that way muzt have been hard and seems a little unprofessional (like taking sides "Well, We think...).

Hang in there the stress will work its self out.

Kristin said...

It was actually very non-confrontational & our counselor & Bill hadn't talked about it prior to our session. But I guess the stress was evident & mentioning how I felt brought up the red flags.

Bill has a huge part in this, his dishonesty was what brought on the pre-term contractions & a trip to the ER the first time. However, I feel like the combination of the IL's & the finances is what sent me over the edge. Bill was just the icing on the cake.

I think since our session, there has been a lot less pressure on me & I've been "relieved" of some obligations (detailed in future posts).

momto1 said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a crap time right now...but want you to know that I love how honest and real you are in your blog.

I have no advice to give, or words of wisdom to pass-- but I am thinking of you and hoping things get easier soon.

Rachel said...

I am a "friend" from BC -DWIL. I just read your post about finding out your had PPD and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone (which I am sure you've heard by now). I had my son 2 yrs ago and just recently was told that I not only did I suffer from PPD after the birth but also PTSD. Freaked me out too that I had gone all this time without knowing/believing. I think its common for young mothers to not recognize the signs.