Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Waiving the white flag

It's very hard for me to admit that things are "too much" and ask for help. It's one of my biggest downfalls, I suppose. I like to think that I can do it all, make anything happen and not even flinch. It's difficult to miss the mark that I set for myself. But over the last week, I've had to drop a lot of things. Bill has taken over calling on some of the important financial issues and continues to push me out the door at night so I can make it to the gym (which really does help and I really do need that push right now). Some of the things that I would normally make time for, like baking cookies for a cookie swap, don't really matter as much and I've had to take on the attitude of "whatever happens, happens".

I am SO THANKFUL for everyone's help in trying to spread the word about online training so we can pay the bills, but so far, it looks like the Christmas Miracle that I was hoping for isn't going to happen. We tried. And when I say "we", I mean all of my friends who sent out chain emails, Facebook notices, blog posts, and spoke to everyone they knew about it. We are not going to be homeless or be behind in rent since we made a deal with the devil and borrowed the money. Which I begged and pleaded not to do, cried and had panic attacks about. I did not want this to be a reality and tried everything other than street walking for a different outcome. I guess after the monumental futile effort, it had to be done.

Not only have I delegated the stress inducers, I've been relieved of the family obligations that cause the most anxiety. When everything was spiraling downward, Bill suggested that I stay home with the kids over the holiday week of in-law visits. This was also suggested by our counselor in the PPD session. After being on the medication for a week and thinking long and hard about it, I agree that it is the best thing to do for our family, regardless of the turmoil that will ensue.

So, I'm getting myself out of this stress storm with the help of Bill, who while contributed to a hell of a lot of it, has been trying to clean up the mess with me.


Eriness said...

Would it be helpful if Bill takes Logan to Christmas with him and the in-laws and left you with Carter to rest and relax or would that make it worse? If he is leaving you at home does the help you? Do you get to celebrate the holidays too? Or does it make you happy and content knowing you won't have to deal with their craziness?

Kristin said...

We talked about it in counseling today & came up with the base of a game plan. We are celebrating Christmas Eve at home together (which is usually spent with the IL's). Bill will go over there alone to celebrate, but we aren't sure what time - before or after the kids are in bed. I'm fine with this. We'll spend Christmas Day without them because they fly back to Vegas that day anyway.

We did talk about them coming over to our house to open their presents with the kids while I go to the gym for a little bit. This scenario does cause me a LOT of anxiety, I'm kind of freaking out about leaving Carter alone (with Bill) with them. But it's a compromise & only for about an hour.

Bill is planing on breaking the news to them this weekend & if there is any irrational drama - we're backing out altogether & not seeing them at all this holiday.