So last night was eventfull...
I ended up going to the hospital. I've been getting a sharp pain in a specific place for a week or so. I always kind of shrugged it off as my body getting ready. It only lasted for a second & it was pretty random as to when it happened. Then the last couple of days the pain became a little more intense & a little more frequent. I thought that I should call the advice nurse to see if I was ignoring something that needed to be checked out. I was on the phone for 45 minutes being asked every question in the world. I started to get frustrated thinking "Why did I even call"? After more questions (a lot of them the same question over & over) the nurse consulted with a Doctor.
"According to our guidelines, you need to go to the hospital", she stated. "The urgent care clinic? Or the hospital that I'm going to deliver at?" I was a little shocked. "The hospital. Do you have a ride? I can call an ambulance if you need a ride". I thought this comment was funny because I had been driving all day running errands with this pain. I had even worked out earlier that morning. "So, even though I'm not having uterine contractions that I can time, I don't have back pain, I'm not bleeding & my water hasn't broken, I still need to go to the hospital"? "Yes", she says.

So I call Bill at the gym at one of the most inconvenient times durring the month. The last day of the year sale on memberships before the gym jacks up the price for New Years resolutions. A big money day for them, & here I am picking up the sales manager durring prime time. I end up driving out there to pick him up ( I wasn't about to take an ambulance), explaining that I was only expecting them to say everything was normal. Not, you need to go to the hospital.

We get to the hospital & they check us in (so next time when it's the real thing, it will go much faster) & get me into an observation room. The nurse asks me a lot of questions again & hooks me up to a fetal monitor while we wait for the Doctor. While we're waiting, Bill & I are laughing at how much Logan is moving & watching his heart rate jump all over the place. The Doctor comes in & asks all of the same questions the nurse had & says that he's going to check my cervix. He then goes to consult with another Doctor. They both come back to the room & say that the cervix is still closed & high behind the baby's head. The baby is sitting pretty low though & probably hitting a nerve on the cervix. However, I've been having more contrations than they anticipated (which I thought was strange, because I wasn't feeling anything, really). Logan was looking really good on the monitor though, they kept calling him a beautiful baby (ok, pretty funny). Because I'm at 35 weeks they could let me go home & come back if anything changes, or I could stay for 2 hours in observation. I didn't think that was necessary, so we left.

Bill went back to work for a few more hours & I drove home. I was exhausted from all of the excitement that had happened & started to fall asleep on the couch. I did start to notice two very distinct contractions that I could time. I think it's time to get the suitcase packed & buy the stop watch.

I feel good that we got the religion discussion out of the way.
Bill's mom has made a few assumptive comments about Logan being baptized through out the pregnancy. Last night I asked him if he's told her that we're not doing it. "No, I'm not going to say anything until it comes up". Ok, whatever works.

Religion has been a touchy subject with me ever since Bill & I have been together. My parents were not religious by any means. My mom was protestant, but not practicing. My dad was mormon, but had his name removed from church records. When I was 8 & my parents divorced, my Grandma Nancy (my dads mom) helped to take care of us & took us to church. That's when I began to follow the LDS faith. I wanted to be baptized right away but my mom had said no & that I had to wait until I was 18 to join any church. I hated her for that. In my adulthood, I understand where she was comming from, but she could've done a better job of teaching instead of controlling.

So I kept going to church & stayed involved with activites & friends until I moved out when I was 15 (that's a whole other story). I moved to Las Vegas to live with my dads cousin & her family, whom I had never met. They were very involved with the church as well & told me that I could be baptized because I wasn't living with my mom anymore. I was extatic. I got baptized & became a youth leader in the church. I had weekend parties at the house where all of the high school kids would come & help make cookies for the missionaries or we would hang out & play board games. I think about it now & want to gag, but it was good for me at the time. I had good friends & stayed out of trouble.

When I met Bill (I was 17) everything changed. He & his family are lutheran & Bill was not the best influence either. He smoked, drank, swore, pretty much all of the things a mormon wasn't supposed to do. I liked him though. I thought he was sweet & it was cool to talk to someone who liked music as much as I did. Me, being the mormon brat that I was, told him that if we were going to hang out he would have to quit all of the things that I didn't approve of. He quit everything right there. My family said that he would have to come to church with us & go to seminary with me as well. He did with no complaints. Then it came down to conversion. As LDS, it is a responsibility to preach the gosple & convert as many people as you can. Everyone is a missionary. So, I told Bill that he would have to take the missionary lessons & be baptized. He never said no to anything. He did whatever he needed to do to be with me. That's when the lightbulb burst over my head. I realized that he wasn't doing this for religion, he was doing it for me. It was really evil to do what the church & I were doing.

I started skipping seminary & hanging out at Bills house instead. It was a lot more fun kissing than reading scriptures anyway. We knew we loved eachother pretty quick. This had all happened in the course of 2-3 months. By easter, I had to meet with the bishop (to repent) & he told me to choose the church or choose Bill. I could not have both. My heart dropped. I went home & called Bill to tell him that we had to meet somewhere. The whole church was at our house for a choir easter celebration. We met at a park close by & I told him what had happened. I told him that I was going to leave the church to be with him because he had sacrificed so much to be with me & the church did nothing. After crying on his shoulder for a while he walked me back to my car. He opened the door & paused. Then he got down on his knee & said "I know you're still in school, we have no money & I don't have a ring.." he proposed right there. It was one of the most special experiences of my life. We kept it quite from our families until I was close to graduation a couple months later. After I graduated, my family & the church pretty much disowned me & I moved in with Bill & his family. From there on, I decided that I didn't like the idea of organized religion.

When Bill & I started talking about having a family, he mentioned baptizing the baby. I reminded him of what we went through & that I was totally against it. Then when we found out that I was pregnant, he brought it up again & with a little more fight. Again, I reminded him. Since this christmas with Bills moms remarks of baptisim outfits, I looked into it. Not with the intention of becoming religious again, but with the intent of being informed. I wanted to know what I was saying no to. So I read up on lutheran beliefs & infant baptisim. I knew I was against it for many reasons. For one, we don't belong to any congregation & how strange to baptize a child into something I don't believe. It's ridiculous to think that parents are responsible for a childs salvation, I'm not God. It's something that Logan has no opinion on yet. I don't want to label him something & make religion more confusing than it already is. If there ever is a day that he wants to go to church or learn something about a certain faith, I will be more than happy to go with him. I won't be like my mom & just say no. Religion is personal & if it's something he wants to be involved in, I'll be there to support that. So last night I explain this & the theology concerns that I have about lutheranism. Bill agreed, was surprised & mentioned how I knew more about it than he did. He appreciated that I even looked into it. I just hope the rest of his family is as understanding about it.

Ahhh, to get back into a workout routine again.
It's nice. I'm such a workout-aholic! Prior to pregnancy, I was in the best shape of my life. You kind of have to be when you're a personal trainer. I worked out five times a week & tried to do something on the weekend, like mountain biking or hiking. Then with the pregnancy, I was way too sick for the first 4-5 months. I really didn't start doing anything again until the end of the 5th month. I got a good 2-3 weeks in before I left the gym, now I haven't done anything for the last 2 months. Maybe a few workouts, but nothing worth bragging about. But now the holidays are over, the family has left (until Logan is born) & I have a nice schedule where I can get in about 3 times a week. Funny that it's come together at the end when I only have about 5 more weeks left in the pregnancy, then I'm out of commission again for at least 6 weeks. I'm glad we've made an agreement that once I'm ready to go at it again, my workout time is also father & son time for a couple of hours. We got an awesome Kelty baby backpack from Bill's sister for christmas, so this summer will be full of weekend family hiking too.

Even though the gym is like a second home for me, it feels strange when I'm pregnant. I feel like I'm on display, like no one has ever seen a pregnant woman workout before. I'm not even making a spectical of myself either, wearing halter tops & exposing my belly for everyone to see, like I used to pre-baby (I've actually become quite prudish in my opinion). A few weeks ago an older guy came up to me as I was in the middle of a chest press set to comment on how impressed he always is to see pregnant women work out. "My wife was still running 2 weeks before our son was born", he proclaimed. I find running while pregnant hillarious & couldn't even imagine doing it unless it was for my life. "That's cool. I am dissapointed that I don't see other expectant ladies in here", I said as I was remembering all of the soon-to-be moms at the gym I worked at.

I'm really counting on the workouts helping with labor. I'm actually imagining the whole event like a very intense workout or mountain biking trip. Like the ones where your whole body aches & you just want to give up, but you can't. You've gone too far up the mountain & if you don't push it, you're going to be stuck there on the trail. There's no giving up. But once you make up your mind, you breath into it, focus & get an increadible adrenaline rush. I guess that's the trainer inside me. I've actually told Bill that as my labor coach, he's really my "labor trainer". Instead of counting reps, he'll be counting for contractions, making sure I breath & cheering me on. It kind of makes everything a little less intimidating once I put it into that perspective. Actually, I'm looking forward to it!

Here I am 8 months pregnant with Logan.
Bill & I worked on making the birth announcements last night. Bill used to study graphic arts & knows photoshop pretty well, so it's not going to be difficult for him at all. They're looking pretty good so far!

While he was getting some measurements figured out & working with colors, I picked up a book of poems from the book shelf. I haven't read this book since I was a kid. My Grandma Nancy had given it to me sometime ago. I've been thinking about her a lot since I've been pregnant. She passed away from a long battle of colon cancer when I was 16. It was really hard when she left, she was the best grandma anyone could ask for. She practically raised my sisters & me. She was the best part of our chaotic childhood. We used to do so many fun things like feeding ducks at the park, going to movies & sneaking candy in, making some kind of art project in her kitchen, reading stories & singing songs at the piano. I really miss her a lot.

One of my most treasured Grandma Nancy moments is when we would sleep over & she would tuck us in. She would always say "Sweet dreams, chocolate creams & roses on your pillow". Reading poems last night made me think of that & how I would be tucking Logan in soon. Here is a lullaby that I came across that made me think of Logan sleeping in his new boyscout room.


Lullaby
Robert Hillyer

The long canoe
Toward the shadowy shore,
One...two..
Three...four...
The paddle dips,
Turns in the wake,
Pauses, then
Forward again,
Water drips
From the blade to the lake.
Nothing but that,
No sound of wings;
The owl and bat
Are velvet things.
No wind awakes,
No fishes leap,
No rabbits creep
Among the brakes.

The long canoe
At the shadowy shore,
One...two...
Three...four...
A murmur now
Under the prow
Where rushes bow
To let us through.
One...two...
Upon the shore,
Three...four...
Upon the lake,
No one's awake,
No one's awake,
One...
Two...
No one,
Not even
You.

Logan's room is almost finished!
Bill & I had finished painting the walls & getting some of the decor up before his family came over for christmas. While his parents were here, his mom finshed the window treatments & his dad finshed the ceiling fan with Bill. It looks really cute. We were aiming for an outdoor theme, but it looks more like a boy scout room, which is still pretty cool. Now I'm on the hunt for some art work to go on two of the walls (that should take forever). We also have to get a matress, some sheets & baskets for blankets, diapers & such. It's just the easy stuff that's left!

Our last christmas as "just adults" has ended.
It's going to be a lot more exciting after this year. We get to be kids again believing in Santa Clause & reindeer & actually having more than 4 presents underneath the tree. Christmas as an adult is kind of boring. We had nice christmas this year though.

Bill's parents have been here for a week helping us get some odds & ends finished in the house & celebrating the holidays. We have ceiling fans in every room now & we are almost finished with window treatments. We had a great christmas dinner & so many treats, I think Logan & I are in sugar shock. That's a perk to pregnancy...not feeling that guilty when you do eat a few cookies.

So now Logan has 5 more weeks until his arrival. He dropped a few days ago. That was nice to finally have him out of my ribs. Bill's mom had mentioned how high Logan was earlier in the week. It was a little cold in the house, so I got up to stand by the fireplace with the cat. She looked at me & said "You look different, you're not carrying so high. I think Logan has dropped". I looked at her with raised eyebrows. It's another step closer to the big day.

Kind of funny, I got my drivers license today.
My license had expired a year & a half ago. It was my under 21 license too. Because Bill & I worked at the same gym together, he drove. When we moved out to Colorado we had only one car & we lived within walking distance of my gym, while he had a 30-45 minute commute. So all in all, I never really needed to drive until now. Now that I'll be staying at home with Logan, we've got to be able to go to infant massage class, father/son time at lunch while I work out, Doctors appointments, & whatever else gets us out of the house. It was kind of odd having someone grade me on my driving since I had been doing it for 10 years. Thank God I passed or I would have felt like an idiot.

I also had my 33 week prenatal appointment today. My weight is right on track. I've gained about 25 lbs. so far, granted, that's counting from the 15 lb. loss I had in the first trimester when I was sick & lost all of my muscle. I looked anorexic then. My ribs, shoulder blades & hip bones were sticking out. I hated it. Logan's growth is on track too. I'm going to start doing kick counts until the next appointment in 4 weeks. That should keep me busy! Overall it was a pretty boring appointment. However, I'm glad they are boring appointments & not full of anxiety, tension & problems.

On a more serious note, I've had a lot on my mind this morning. Last night Bill brought in the mail. As I sorted through the various christmas cards, I found one from my dad (whom I haven't spoken to since I had invited him to our wedding. He said he couldn't make it & then disapeared). He wrote about wishing our family a merry christmas & hopes that we can talk again someday. He has been in contact with my sisters for a while now & asks about talking to me again. I usually get emotional & tell my sisters that I don't want to talk to him because he's just going to disapear on me again. He did it when I was 8 (he was gone for 8 years), then at 19 (I haven't spoken to him since), what's to say he won't do it again? The bigger question for me is; why is it so important to have a relationship with me now, as opposed to when I was little? Is it guilt? Regret? Why disapear again when I was an adult & I gave him a second chance? I don't need a dad anymore, so not having a relationship at all doesn't bother me.

I've been thinking about how my screwy family is going to affect Logan though. Bill & I have talked about the anger I have toward my dad & that we don't want Logan to feel like he's been abandonded if his Grandpa decides to up & disapear again. I never ever, EVER want to explain to my child that someone has abandoned him. I never want him to feel like he is unloved or unwanted by anyone in his family. So with this in mind, we decided that we didn't want my dad in our lives.
Then I thought about how I might affect Logan by doing that. Wouldn't I be lying to him if I told him he doesn't have a grandpa? What if he finds out otherwise (which he would, you can't keep secrets like that) & resents me for denying him a relationship? In my attempts to protect him from the emotional pain that I know & endured as a child, could it be inflicting some other kind of pain? I've always told Bill that the foundation of our relationship is love, trust & respect. I think that goes for Logan too. I want to be honest with him. I want us to be able to communicate. I want a strong, loving relationship with him.

So now I feel stuck in this moral delema. Do I keep him from his grandpa in hopes of protecting him from ever feeling abandoned & risk resenting me for it? Or, do I risk having a relationship again & hope that I never have to explain why grandpa disapeared?
This feels like a twisted "choose your own adventure" book. I still haven't talked to Bill about how I'm feeling. That's probably where I should start.

Worry, anticipation & urgency have really set in now.
We made the 33 week point yesturday. I don't know why I'm so worried. That was one thing that everyone seemed to forget to mention about pregnancy. You worry just as much as if your child was out running around in the yard.

The worry started in the very beginning when I first found out that I was pregnant. I remember thinking, "This is the beginning of worrying for the rest of my life". I would think about the things that I did, like the beer & roller coaster rides at Six Flags before I knew (somehow others knew because they made comments as we were waiting in line "If you are pregnant, you're going to scramble that baby in there"). Then I would really worry about miscarriage (as my sister-in-law was 3 weeks behind me in her pregnancy & miscarried) & neural tube defects, like spina bifida. The hell that I went through in the first trimester never helped either. I always thought about the time I was in the hospital getting re-hydrated with 3 different medications pumping through me, my blood pressure dropping to the point of being scary. After he started kicking, there was one day that I wasn't really paying too much attention to how active he was (I guess I was just used to it & oblivious that he was jumping around). I thought to myself "Has he been moving today? I don't remember!", so I did a kick count. You're supposed to be able to feel 10 kicks in 2 hours. I got to 10 before 15 minutes was up. So he's been OK so far. I tell myself not to worry, as does Bill, but that's like telling your cat not to scratch. It's instinctual.

The anticipation & urgency really hit me yesturday when I got my 33 week email update from Baby Center. Topics included, "Don't Be Caught Off Guard, Have A Birth Plan Ready", "Packing For The Hospital, What You Really Need", & a bunch of financial advice. The thing that got me was looking ahead at next weeks information. If I went into preterm labor, 99% of babies born in the 34th week don't have complications due to prematurity. They're lungs are fully developed & mom's should start saving their energy for labor & delivery. So the Doctors most likely wouldn't stop labor at this point. Holy crap...

So I finished the maternity pre-adminitration registration for the hospital, got a list of CD's that I want to listen to while we're there & started working on the birth plan. I'm going to start packing today. This weekend we should have his room finished too. Now watch, Logan will be born 2 weeks into February (due date is 2/1/2006). I guess it's better to be prepared than to be caught off guard.

Baby kicks are the strangest sensation ever.
Space must be getting tight in there, because Logan has been kicking, punching & rolling up a storm these last few days. Now that he's getting bigger, he's also getting stronger too. It's getting a little crazy. In the beginning of his kicking, I used to think that he had ADHD already because he is so active.

The first time I felt him kick was at sixteen weeks. I was at the chiropractor getting some accupuncture treatments on my lunch break. I was laying on my stomach (because I really didn't even start showing until I was 6 months along) & I felt this little flutter. It was almost like he was doing swimmers kicks at the side of the pool. When I got home that night, I told Bill. He was so excited. The next week I had a prenatal appointment. The Doctor was doubtfull that I was feeling him kick just yet, until she tried to find him to get his heartbeat. She had to chase him down. "Boy, he sure is healthy", she says.
As the weeks went by his kicking increased. It started to distract me while I was training my clients. In the first trimester, when I was so sick, people used to tell me "Oh, that's a good sign! It means you're having a healthy baby". My reply was "He better be an olimpic athlete with how sick I am". Well, now he's my olimpic soccer player.

Shortly there after I started to feel him kick from the outside. It felt like a little poke, like someone's finger was just poke, poking away. Bill's reaction was hillarious when he first felt Logan. His high pitch laughter almost made me wet my pants from laughing so hard. It was always a nice way to go to sleep at night laying on my side, my hand just below my bellybutton with him kicking away on it. After Logan got bigger, we could see him moving around. Bill had the same reaction as when he felt him for the first time. I swear his eyes just might have popped out of his head. It was a very alien experience watching him roll from one side to the other with little jabs along the way.

Now Logan has mastered his soccer skills & has picked up martial arts. He kicks me so hard that it makes me gasp & jump. I must look like I have some kind of mental disorder. Sometimes he keeps a constant pressure on my ribs & I have to push him down out of there, or he will lean on my belly, stretching, making me feel like my stomach is going to explode. The other night he kicked me so hard that he bumped my hand off of my stomach. He's mostly active at night (I hope this isn't a sign that he's a night owl) & he keeps me awake for a few hours before I can get to sleep. The funny thing is, to get him to calm down all I have to do is have Bill put his hand on my stomach & he stops instantly. It was kind of a bummer when Bill wanted to feel him & Logan wouldn't cooperate, but now it's a pretty handy trick.
I feel like I'm going to have my hands full when he's learning how to walk & becomes mobil. He's probably going to be a little trouble maker.

I've been thinking a lot about parenting the last few days.
What kind of parents we will be, what kind of role models we had. For some reason I've been stuck on the thought of unwanted children (mistakes) & them being treated as such. It really blows my mind as a soon to be mother. I could never treat my child with hatred or negativity. I suppose these thoughts have been a reflection of my childhood & the examples I had for parents.

I know I was an unwanted baby. I have an array of baby pictures to prove it. I don't have a single snapshot or family portrait that shows everyone smiling, & if someone is, it's fake (except for the kids). There is one inparticular that is of a screaming me (probably 3 months old) on my mom's lap with her looking at me in disgust.

That picture pretty much sums up my childhhood life. I feel like I was the one who trapped her into two relationships that she never wanted in the first place, one with my dad & one with me. My dad never wanted anything to do with me until it was too late & I had grown up & didn't need a dad anymore (this still confuses the hell out of me). I don't remember ever being treated as though I was loved & wanted (by either of them). I just remember disfunction, negativity & darkness until I was married.

Bill however, was born into a midwestern "Cleaver" family. One where the children were loved, there were happy family vacations to Disneyland & nobody screamed at eachother. I hear stories of him trying to catch birds in the back yard, the traditional McDonalds birthday cake & helping his dad work on the car. He is a very lucky person to have such a good family.
I know in my heart of hearts that we will be great parents, even though our experiences are drasticaly different. I had great examples of what not to do, while Bill has the background of love & stability.

I am so excited for Bill to be a dad. His anticipation & enthusiasum are contagious. I am so lucky to have married a great guy like him. He gets just as excited as I am about decorating the nursery, buying baby clothes & fanticising about our new lives as a little family. He talks about how emotional he's going to be at Logans birth (we're both going to be blubbering messes), staying home on "maternity leave" (he's taking 3 weeks off), taking family walks with the stroller, teaching Logan about disc golf & talks about how much he already loves him, even though he hasn't been born yet. He is going to be a wonderfull dad. I will be the most extatic & lucky of all moms if Logan turns out to be anything like his father.

The thrid trimester blahs.
Everyone tells you that the third trimester is uncomfortable, but for cryin' out loud, this is rediculous! Let's starts from the top:

1. Headaches & neck tension (nothing compared to the first trimester dehydration headaches though).
2. Allergies & sinus drainage. I swear I go through a whole box of tissues in 2 weeks!
3. Odd metal tastes in my mouth, similar to blood. Thank God for gum.
4. Gingivitus & cavities! I've never had a cavity in my life until now!!
5. Heart burn/acid reflux. This is by far the most annoying thing happening right now. I can hardly eat anything. I've had to cut out all acidic foods, live on Zantac & sometimes it gets to the point where I have to sleep propped up.
   
6. Rib pain/tenderness. It feels like I've been kicked in the sternum (I probably have, actually) & it also aches in my mid back between the shoulder blades.
7. Difficulty breathing. I get winded going up the stairs!
   
8. Nausia (again, not nearly as bad as the first trimester, thanks to zofran). I never thought I would feel like I had the flu or had an upset stomach for 9 months.
9. Lowback ache. The gravitational force pulling my stomach forward really doesn't make the back feel great. I have to use pillows for support when I'm on the couch watching T.V.
10. Lower gastrointestinals are not quite right. Enough said.
11. Restless Leg Syndrome. I wish I had an inhouse massage therapist, because foam rolling just isn't cutting it.
    
12. Feeling fat & incapable of doing anything, like getting dressed. Socks are the most difficult & I sound like I'm lifting weights when I try to get up from the couch or get out of the car. Ooomff, Uggh!

Wow, now that's a list. The good news is that he's almost here. I just have to endure this crap for about a month & a half.

Becomming pregnant really is a complete sacrifice of yourself, your whole being. I always thought that it would be an incredable experience to have 2 cells come together & develop into a human being, all inside of me. The concept is amazing & really, the whole process is too. I just never completely understood what it would take on my part. Nobody can really prepare you for those kind of changes. My body is not my own right now. It feels very strange, like I have no controll over it. In reality, I don't. For someone who is a control freak, it's definitly a learning experience.

Enduring these sacrifices is a true testiment to the complete love that I have for Logan. It has created an unexplainable bond, that I have been willing to give every aspect of my body & life to him. Before this year, I was always too selfish to think about having a baby. Now I'm glad I've grown up & have a chance to be a part of life, even if it is painfull.

Well, it's been quite a day so far.
We finished our last baby class, "Babies, Baths & Bundles" (we are newborn graduates, now I just have to finish the final exam...yikes). It was a really good class. Other than changing diapers (how hard is that really?) & sponge baths, we got some great information on circumcision.

I didn't realize how much of a controversial topic circumcision was. Some people actually refer to it as genital mutilation now. I turned to Bill for his input, seeing as though he understands what life is like as a guy & the relationship with his "member". Whithout hesitation, he said that Logan would be getting it done. I understood that it is not medically necessary, that someone who is not circumcised has to pay a little more attention to hygene & that it really boils down to religious & societal beliefs. However, I did not understand that once you've made that decision, you have more...which procedure would we choose?

In class we learned about the two most common techniques, the Gomco clamp & the newer Plastibell. The Gomco technique clamps the foreskin & the Dr. proceeds to cut. The baby is then covered in gauze & heels with a pretty big scab. It takes some carefull attention in cleaning to make sure the site doesn't get infected. The Plastibell seems to be a little less invasive. The clamp part is pretty much the same (with a plastic "bell" on the tip rather than a metal clamp) , but a plastic ring is left on the baby while it heals. The ring falls off shortly, like the umbilical cord. There's not much to do in the way of care other than making sure it stays clean & watching for infection, no gauze or ointments are needed.

Once I started looking into which option would be the best, I came across videos & many articles that warned against circumcision. The videos were the most disturbing granted, they were unmedicated babies, while our hospital uses pain medication. Then it really got me thinking...do we need to do this? There is no medical benefit, we aren't religious, are we being pressured by society into thinking that this is good? Because of the lack of medical necesity, European insurance won't cover the procedure. Most people aren't really willing to pay out of pocket, so circumcision rates have drasticaly decreased. It's considered "cosmetic". If I thought about it in terms of "cosmetic surgery", it seemed crazy to follow through. Now I was really changing my mind.

I tried to have a discussion about what I found with Bill, but he wouldn't hear about it.
"This is non-negotiable, I'm putting my foot down".
"Why?", I asked.
"Because I don't want him to be one of the only boys in the locker room that isn't".
Finding some reliable statistics on this is difficult. In class the nurse said about 9 out of 10 babies in Colorado are. Some of the sites I've come across have said about 60% are, but dropping dramaticaly. Still, we don't live in Europe & it sounds like an "American" way.

I guess I have to trust my husbands opinion that the physical pain as a newborn won't even compare to the emotional pain of being ostricised by peers & potential partners in the future. Nobody ever told me that making an informed educated decision about circumcision would be this difficult.

Yeah, it's Friday.
It's funny that I still look forward to the weekend even though I'm at home all of the time. Well, that's why....I'm home all of the time. Actutally, It's kind of pathetic. We only have one car right now & with Bill travelling 30-45 minutes to get to work, that leaves me here with the dogs & kitty. I feel like Dr. Doolittle.

I totally understand the isolation that stay at home moms go through. I think I've adjusted pretty well, even though it was a little rough in the beginning. With hormones acting up a bit, feeling crappy about the job loss & everything compounded with isolation (when I was used to talking to hundreds of people a day), I cried like a 2 year old when Bill suggested that he run a quick errand to the hardware store alone because it would only take a few minutes. I couldn't believe how I was acting, but I NEEDED to get out of the house. After sobbing about how I felt like a housemaid prisoner, he reasured me that he understood & it's never been an issue since. Now he always asks if I want to go with, or really just assumes I'm comming. He really is quick to learn.

Without a baby actually here, it makes finding things to do a little difficult. These few months of "early maternity leave" have really made me more excited for Logans birth. It's a little crazy that someone could look forward to breastfeeding, diaper changing, crying, etc. so much. But, without all of the new mom duties, that leaves me with cleaning (& really, how much can you clean everyday when you don't have kids to pick up after), conversations with Kitty (I swear I'm not a crazy cat lady) & the now very much hated daytime T.V.

That is a very good reason as to why I started this blog. It used to be fun watching all of the baby shows; getting a wide variety of pregnancy experiences, crying at the births & seeing what to expect when you bring baby home for the first time. Then it started to feel like self torture. I thought crying on a daily basis (even if they are tears moved by the miracle of life) was a little much. So then came the insanity of the court shows. I swear, if I ever see another Judge Alex, Judy, Joe Brown, Mailyn Milian (Peoples Court) or Hatchett episode, I don't know what I'll do. It astounds me that people would actually go on national T.V. willingly looking like complete idots. It just makes me proud to say "I know who my babys Daddy is"!

7 months pregnant with Logan.

Not one of my best pictures, but I've given up on looking "normal" until he's 3 months old.

2005 year in review... Wow, what a year!!!

We started our year out by moving to Colorado. A great way to start out the year; new jobs, new state, pretty much a new life. We worked our fingers to the bone the first few months. Myself starting the day at 6 a.m., Bill at 8 a.m., both of us working until 9 p.m. Bill was doing a great job as a newly promoted Sales Manager & I had established myself as one of the top trainers in the gym.
By March we decided to buy our first house. We had been exploring the area & really liked the idea of living in the suburbs of Parker. It was fun to see local stables & fields with cows & prarie dogs. It kind of felt like we were getting the best of both worlds...a little bit of the country, a little bit of the city. We bought our house at the end of March just as they were finishing the plumbing. Construction wouldn't be completed until June. It couldn't be soon enough.

Things were going well & I thought I would move up into management too. In April I became the Assistant Fitness Manager, which really meant nothing other than not only having to worry about my business, now I had to worry about the club business as well. It was a little overwhelming & I was starting to spread myself a little too thin.

In the beginning of May, Bill had gone to a business convention in Hollywood. While he was gone, I had run across an article on ovulation. We had been talking about starting a family, but not seriously, mostly just in conversation. It was funny that I was even reading about it because after we got married, I was ready to have a family & Bill was smart enough to tell me to forget about it at that time. We were just too young (me at 19, he at 21) & not financially stable either. I had done a 180 in thinking that I would never want to have kids...ever. My childhood & fear of turning out like my mother probably fuled this fire as well.
But after the events of this year with working so hard & giving my life to other people, the returns were less than what I had expected. Don't get me wrong, there were some very rewarding experiences in my career, but not worth what I was putting into it. I had also been thinking about what life would be like if we continued to live this way, growing old together & never sharing special "family" moments. It seemed very empty & sad.
So here I was reading this information, counting the days of my cycle. Oddly enough, I would be ready when Bill came home from the convention. I never really believed that it would be easy. I had listened to stories of women who had been "trying" for a long time & some ending up in fertility treatments. The counting of my cycle was the only real "effort" I had put into this. I kind of shruged my shoulders & said "let's see what happens". Well, it only took that once. Apparently not only was I ready, but God or the universe or whatever thought that we were ready too. This baby was supposed to happen.

For most of May, I didn't know that I was pregnant, but everyone else seemed to know. I had stepped down as Assistant Fitness Manager because I thought I was hitting burn out. I was so increadibly tired, short tempered & emotional. I thought I was going crazy & needed a serious vacation. Plus at the end of the month, I felt like I was getting the flu. I ended up cancelling all of my evening apointments & going home at lunch to take naps rather than working out (which was unheard of from me). By memorial day I was late. I was never late, so I knew something was going on. That night at 10 p.m. I turned to Bill & said "I think we need to go to the store".
We went & got the digital test that night. I think I had been staring at it for 2 hours while it lay on the coffee table. Finally I got the courage to take the test at midnight. After doing everything & reading the timing directions, the instructions said to wait 15 minutes or so. I litteraly found out in 15 seconds. I guess I was really pregnant. I walked out of the bathroom with my hands over my mouth, shaking. "It says I'm pregnant". Bill held out his arms on the couch as we cuddled & a million thoughts ran through my head. I think I was hyperventalating as well. Bill kept saying that things would be great & that we would make a great family. After I calmed down I looked at him & said "We are officially adults now". This was a new chapter in our lives.

June was a very trying month for me. I was extreamly excited about being pregnant, but also getting increadibly sick. Not only that, but we were moving into our new house as well. Bills mom had come by to help us unpack. If it weren't for her, we would still be living in boxes. I had been to the Dr. to get some medication because I couldn't stop throwing up & was practacly imobilized. It was getting out of controll. I was losing business at the gym & could only work 1 or 2 hours a day. I had also lost 15 lbs. in 4 weeks. By the end of the month I ended up getting re-hydrated by IV & was perscribed medication that they give cancer patients for the nausia related to chemo. The Dr. had mentioned that I had hyperemesis gravidarum. I thought that was the medical term for morning sickness. It wasn't until much later that I found out differently. Things continued that way; being hostage to the couch, splitting headaches, dehyration, but finally able to eat some things be it mashed potatoes, mac & cheese or the ever healthy 7-layer burrito. I fell into a depression & Bill was a little frustrated (not really understanding how sick I was).

By August I had had enough. I was going crazy. I didn't care how sick I was, I was going to go back to work & pretend that I wasn't sick. Boy was that a mistake. After 4 weeks, I relapsed. One Saturday morning I could barely get out of bed. I got sick in the shower, tried to throw the door open & not slip onto my butt atempting to make it to the toilet. Then I was getting sick as I was putting on my makeup. It seemed like a waste of time because everytime I would put something on my eyes, like mascara, I would have to throw up & the mascara would run & I wound up redoing it. Then I would get sick trying to brush my teeth & forget about breakfast. That certainly wasn't going to stay down. This was all in the course of an hour. I was back to my first trimester life. YUCK! I stayed home & decided that I needed to decrease my hours. My health & the babys health was much more important than work.

September was about the same. This was also when we would be able to find out if it was a boy or a girl. At first I didn't want to know, but after the hell I had been going through, I felt like there was an alien inside of me. If I knew what it was there would be a better connection to a person, not an "it". I had been having dreams that it was a girl. Bill insisted that it was a boy. At the ultrasound, the tech asked "if we want to ruin the surprise". I said that if she could really tell, I was all for it. It was a boy. Very obviously a boy. I was shocked. Bill was extatic. I think I heard "I told you so" about a million times on the way home. But it was cute. I was happy that he was so excited. I was just a little unsure of myself because I was the oldest of 4 girls. I had no experience in raising boys. It took a little bit of mental adjusting. I was excited though, now instead of "the baby", he's Logan.

October was a pretty stressful month. I ended up loosing my job. Not exactly what I was planning at six months pregnant. I went into a bit of a depression feeling used & useless. After a few weeks I started to look on the bright side of things. Now I could take care of myself & Logan a lot better, getting enough rest & not stressing out too much. I could learn how to cook (I was always too impatient before). I could finally get to all of the housework & start to organize the house in prep for Logans birth. The best part is that I would be home to pass out candy on Halloween!

November seemed to sneek up pretty fast. We started our "prepared childbirth" classes. It was good to get all of the info on what was & going to happen, relaxation techniques & we also got to tour the hospital. It was so nice! I felt a lot better about labor & delivery. Bill also took a "Boot Camp for Dads" class. He got to change a diaper for the first time (one of the veteran dads brought his son to class so the new dads could practice), how to introduce Logan to Beck (our Beagle), Buddha (our Pug) & Kitty, & learned how to put in the car seat. He was pretty excited about this class. So much that he wants to be one of the veteran dads & bring Logan to class to get his diaper changed!
I made Thanksgiving dinner for the first time this year. The turkey was awesome, nice & tender. I made dressing, but it didn't turn out like I had hoped (a little too much parsley I'm guessing), but the home made pumpkin pie was great. I even made the pie crust (which was an adventure in itself).

Now it's December. The holidays are here again, I love it! We decorated the house & got our christmas tree up. There was a little bit of a fiasco with that. We got a 7.5' tree & it took 15 strands of lights. After 2 days of running out of lights, getting some more, running out again, etc, I was finally finished. It looked great, but boy was it bright. I think I was squinting when I was looking at it. I didn't say anything because I was proud of my hard work. The tree had been plugged in for 10 minutes & then it blew a fuse. At least we laughed. I laughed even harder when we were at Target that weekend & I looked at the pre-lit trees. Bill had mentioned that we had a "Griswald" tree. It was true, we did (it still looks cool though)!

So that is the year in review. It's been a pretty eventfull year. 2006 will be about the same though, full of crazy adventures. I'm looking forward to it. A new year, a new family, pretty much a new life.

I've decided to start this blog for many reasons:

1. For some reason I have a hard time keeping up with my hand written journal & I don't want to miss recording anything durring this experience.
2. I thought it would be a great way to keep friends & family updated on pictures & what's going on.
3. I am so sick of T.V. I could scream, my house can only get so clean & I thought this would be a better use of my time.

This pregnancy has definitly changed my life in many ways (obviously). There are things that I've gone through that have made me a stronger woman & there are things that nobody could have prepared me for (if I had really known ahead of time, I totaly would have chickened out).