Clearly, Bill and I are going through a lot of stuff right now. Not only right now, but we've been through a lot of stuff over the last 10 years of our relationship. I'm still here even though many times before I've looked for divorce attorneys in town, figured out how much that would all cost, spoke to a few on the phone for a brief consultation and gone as far as scheduling an in office consultation only to call and cancel. And I'm still here.
When life is good for us, it's not just good -it's amazing. The simple things we do are fun, like making Sunday breakfast and hanging out in our pajamas or going grocery shopping together as a family. The really fun things are a blast, like going to the zoo or teaching Logan how to play Disc Golf. They are memories that I cherish and try my best to remember them in our moments of crisis. On the flip side, when things are bad, they are horrible and because we share so many good things in life, the bad times are just heart breaking.
Sometimes love makes you do stupid things. It's even worse when you are in love with your soul mate. Some people don't believe in this concept, but it's undeniable for me since I've found him. Soul mates are not perfect people, but you end up tolerating so much more from them because you can't imagine what life would be like without them. That's how it is for me, anyway. When I think about all of the problems we've dealt with or worse, put them to paper, it's insane that I'm still around. I think any other person in their right mind would have hit the road about 3 years ago. I also think the majority of people divorce over issues much smaller than the one's we've gone through.
I stay not to keep our family together for the kids, or because divorce is expensive and the road afterward would be long and difficult; I stay because I still love him. I still love him too much to stop trying, even after the lies, the insanity from his family and the seemingly never ending moments of disappointment. And then again, maybe I stay because he tries and hasn't given up. When I'm ready to throw in the towel, he suggests going to marriage counseling and is the one who calls and makes the appointment. We both do the work and when thinking about where we have come from, there have been changes and much improvement (and amazement from our counselor who thinks we work pretty hard compared to most of her clients).
When thinking about where we need to go, I don't see a brick wall, just an enormous mountain that will take a lot of energy and skill to climb. Take the in-law issue for example; we are this close to a complete cut-off (that he agrees with) and he is starting to see the situation for what it is. So there is light at the end of the tunnel that this massive problem will be over with at some point (soon). The dishonesty will most likely take years to overcome. But, as long as there is effort on both our parts, the tears and heartache along the way are worth it. The good parts are just too good to give up on.
It's hard to explain, but I gave it my best shot.