Saturday, February 14, 2009

It's hard to explain

Clearly, Bill and I are going through a lot of stuff right now. Not only right now, but we've been through a lot of stuff over the last 10 years of our relationship. I'm still here even though many times before I've looked for divorce attorneys in town, figured out how much that would all cost, spoke to a few on the phone for a brief consultation and gone as far as scheduling an in office consultation only to call and cancel. And I'm still here.

When life is good for us, it's not just good -it's amazing. The simple things we do are fun, like making Sunday breakfast and hanging out in our pajamas or going grocery shopping together as a family. The really fun things are a blast, like going to the zoo or teaching Logan how to play Disc Golf. They are memories that I cherish and try my best to remember them in our moments of crisis. On the flip side, when things are bad, they are horrible and because we share so many good things in life, the bad times are just heart breaking.

Sometimes love makes you do stupid things. It's even worse when you are in love with your soul mate. Some people don't believe in this concept, but it's undeniable for me since I've found him. Soul mates are not perfect people, but you end up tolerating so much more from them because you can't imagine what life would be like without them. That's how it is for me, anyway. When I think about all of the problems we've dealt with or worse, put them to paper, it's insane that I'm still around. I think any other person in their right mind would have hit the road about 3 years ago. I also think the majority of people divorce over issues much smaller than the one's we've gone through.

I stay not to keep our family together for the kids, or because divorce is expensive and the road afterward would be long and difficult; I stay because I still love him. I still love him too much to stop trying, even after the lies, the insanity from his family and the seemingly never ending moments of disappointment. And then again, maybe I stay because he tries and hasn't given up. When I'm ready to throw in the towel, he suggests going to marriage counseling and is the one who calls and makes the appointment. We both do the work and when thinking about where we have come from, there have been changes and much improvement (and amazement from our counselor who thinks we work pretty hard compared to most of her clients).

When thinking about where we need to go, I don't see a brick wall, just an enormous mountain that will take a lot of energy and skill to climb. Take the in-law issue for example; we are this close to a complete cut-off (that he agrees with) and he is starting to see the situation for what it is. So there is light at the end of the tunnel that this massive problem will be over with at some point (soon). The dishonesty will most likely take years to overcome. But, as long as there is effort on both our parts, the tears and heartache along the way are worth it. The good parts are just too good to give up on.

It's hard to explain, but I gave it my best shot.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel..the up times are great the down times just kill me.marriage isnt easy.loving another person isnt easy.Sometimes it feels impossible,but it sounds like you guys are tough enough to make it..keep working on it and remember nothing good is ever easy..take care

Jana said...

I think you have explained beautifully. I hope you didn't interpret my comment to mean that I thought you *should* leave, only that it would be hard not to seriously consider it.

At the same time, I can appreciate how hard it must be for Bill to be torn between the family that raised him and the family that he is raising. But lying is still not OK.

And then, I just can't imagine where his mother is coming from. You know as well as I do what it is to love a son. I don't think there is anything I would NOT do to keep the peace with Alex and his family. No matter how unreasonable I might *think* the situation is, I would jump through fire to make things work. I'm NOT saying that you have been unreasonable, only that I don't understand why she has not been more agreeable.

You're doing all that you can do. I do hope things get better soon.

Kristin said...

I didn't interpret your previous comment like that at all Jana. Actually, I ask myself why I'm still here every time we go around this stupid cycle.

This post was for me to look back on after something like this happens again (because it will), to see if I still feel the same. If I ever feel differently, that's when I know when it's over. Or if I look back on all of the posts about our marriage & see no change, but me sticking around like a needy sap - that will be another clue.

Or on the other side of the coin, read back on everything we've overcome & be immensely proud of overcoming some major obstacles.

Also, I started writing about our marriage because it really helps me, not in only recognizing situations & patterns of behavior, but to just get it all out & sort through the feelings. So many people shy away from writing about the realness of their lives. No one has a perfect marriage, or a perfect life. To me, it's almost a lie to not write about all of it. This is who I am, what I live & what makes me the person I am. I'm not going to deny it & be afraid of the truth.

Then the in-laws...yeah. My only explanation is that Grandma L thinks it's perfectly fine to treat me the way she does. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong, thus has no reason to fix the situation.

What really grates on my nerves regarding her & this last weekend visit - here we are in a time out until there is a resolution, which we've agreed to begin counseling together to work it out. She tells Bill about her visit only a few days before coming out, making it impossible for us to schedule an appointment.

And her Valentine's Day gifts to the kids? Rather than giving them the gift of a peaceful family & mending the problem with her effort to make things better, she gives them meaningless toys. I'm also sure she went shopping, boo-hooing about her evil daughter-in-law not letting her see her grandsons & buying these gifts so "she can still be their grandma".

SwizzlestickMama said...

This is so well written. We have been through a lot as well--and especially recently, I've wondered if I can still stick it out. But, I love my husband. I actually think we are perfect for each other--but not perfect people. I am so worried about what the future holds for us some days--but he is working hard as am I....

Like you, our good days are great adn our great days are fantastic and then some. So I am just really hoping that those can start to outnumber the not-so-great days again soon.

Dawn B said...

Beautifully and so honestly written. I appreciate you sharing all of this.