Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Valentine's tale from the mouth of a sailor

Be forewarned; this post will contain explicit language. F-bombs, S-words, and many other 4-letter words. As many as I can think of. Some say that swearing shows a lack of vocabulary. I disagree. Sometimes, a cuss word can convey the exact feeling you are experiencing and nothing else will suffice. This is one of those times.

The other day Bill excitedly told me that he got my Valentine's Day gift. I was a little surprised since we had talked about getting a spendy gift that would benefit us both. I didn't expect anymore gifts and I certainly didn't think about getting him one. "Are you actually going to wait until Valentine's Day?", I asked him since it's usually par for the course that he gets too excited and spills the beans a few days before. "Yes, well, it will be the day before", he smirked. Intrigued, I tried to extract more information from him unsuccessfully.

Yesterday afternoon I checked the mailbox and looked through the bills. I had been waiting for the phone bill because for weeks I've known that Bill has been lying to me. So, much like years before, and lies before this, I trusted my gut and followed the paper trail. It was back on Logan's birthday when the red flags caught my attention...

My sisters and my Dad had called Logan to wish him a happy birthday. Logan talked to them, thanking them for his gifts and rambling on and on about random preschooler stuff. Everyone got a kick out of it. This was during the drama from Aunt Ju-Ju who was flipping out because we were still enforcing the time out until there is a resolution to our family conflict. After my family had talked to Logan and after Bill had dealt with Aunt Ju-Ju, he got up from the couch to retrieve his phone from his pocket. Begrudgingly, he says, "Well, I better get this call over with".

"What are you talking about?", I asked him. "I'm going to call my parents so they can wish Logan a happy birthday", he said as seriously as a heart attack. I reminded him what a time out means with him interrupting me "do this for me". I wanted to smack the guilt out of him. I then asked him what was the difference between Christmas and Logan's birthday? What was so different now that it warranted a time-out from the time-out? The answer? Nothing. This was all happening because of the decisions his family had made and I told him that if Grandma L was going to wish Logan a happy birthday, then she could talk to me first to work on a resolution. That put an end to the conversation right there.

Soon after that I was getting ready to take a shower. Now, when I shower, I bring Carter in the bathroom to hang out in in his bouncer and Logan tags along to race his cars along the tub and entertain his little brother. However, even though Bill was there and available to watch the kids, I urged Logan to come with me. After the conversation with Bill about the phone call, the vehemence in his voice caused me to pay close attention to what was going on. I didn't trust him at all and figured he would call his parents while I was occupied. He called me out on my suspicions and assured me that he wouldn't go behind my back. I left Logan with him, but I still didn't trust him.

As the day ended, I asked if he had talked to his parents at all. He said he hadn't. I knew he was lying. The week continued and I asked a few more times. Every time he said no. I knew he was lying now. No doubt about it. So, I waited for the phone bill to bust him on the dumbest lie ever. I don't care if he talks to his parents; if he wants to have a relationship with people like that, who treat his family like shit, fabulous. That's his choice, however, they will not have a relationship with the rest of us. And for Christ's sake, don't lie to me about it. That is about the most ridiculous thing to lie about. Seriously.

The phone bill finally arrives and what do you know. He lied. Again. For the one millionth and one time. I sent an email to him letting him know that I'm tired of his lies. Again. I am PISSED beyond belief. That he would lie to me over something so trivial. Here we are, trying to rebuild trust and what does he do? Lies over a fucking pointless phone call.

But wait, it gets better.

When he emailed me back, he acted as though he was doing me a favor by "keeping me out of the loop". Forget that I smelled bull shit and looked for it like a bloodhound on the scent and once I discovered the truth, all hell would break loose. He just thought it would be better to lie to me.

But wait. It gets even better than that.

After my ranting email ripping him a new asshole, he called me, in which I think I yelled so loud at him it could have been possible to break the receiver in my phone. He sheepishly apologies, surprised that I would fucking absolutely lose my shit over discovering the truth about yet another lie. "Do you want to know what your Valentine's Day present is?", he asks me. "I don't give a fuck about Valentine's Day right now. In fact, you should probably return everything", I bark back. "My mom's in town right now. I'm going out for lunch with her on Friday. I wasn't going to tell you about it until after she left".

Thus began the Apocalypse in my kitchen, complete with the four horsemen riding past me. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! MY VALENTINE'S DAY PRESENT IS A LIE??!! WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU!?". Once again surprised that this would cause my God damn brain to hemorrhage, he apologises because he thought it was a good thing. The rest of the phone call was pure rage ending with a hang up. A few apologetic emails followed while I tried to collect myself, which was next to impossible, but accomplished.

Later that night Bill came home from work. He left to run a quick errand for me and the kids and I ate dinner. I got Carter to bed and by the time Bill came home, Logan was ready for his bath and bed. After the kids are down, I'm usually out the door and headed to the gym. Not this time. I just wasn't feeling it. Bill and I sat on the couch watching TV in silence. I was waiting for him to say something; to work on fixing this whole mess. But, in the end all he said was "I'm going to check my email and head to bed".

Enter another level of hell.

The cherry on top of this little sundae was Bill trying to say that I needed to go back on the medication because it makes our family happy. Granted, this was an all out, drag down, freak out - but he always does this. Whenever I am angry or upset at something (usually he does or his family does - something that warrants a world ending meltdown), the answer is always medication. Let's forget about how the last two weeks of being off the medication have been absolutely fan-fucking-tastic for me; the days are better, Logan and I are getting along and the frustration level has been drastically lower than the previous weeks (while on the medication, no less). But yeah, he doesn't see that because he's at work. So it doesn't count, I guess.

The aspect that sticks with me the most (other than the constant lies), is that here we are - another family visit where we had agreed to do something to resolve our issues. Yet, nothing is planned, no action has been taken, no resolution at all. This speaks volumes about how much Grandma L wants to end this time out. As of now, I'm moving towards an actual cut-off. And Bill? I have not a Fucking clue what to do about him.

This morning I am drained - physically, emotionally, mentally. It was good that we had a fun playgroup to go to; it got us out of the house and moving on to better moods. Another day. One foot in front of the other.


Jana said...

Seriously? I don't totally understand everything that's going on with the inlaw situation, but after all these lies, I am absolutely amazed that you haven't loaded the kids up and left. Not that I think you should--I just marvel at your level of commitment. I would be done.

I wish I had something better to say, but man, just reading this makes me livid.

Hang in there. I hope things get better for you.

Alicia Seevers said...

Those are his parents and whether you like them or not and approve of what they do or not, he is connected to them and is, just like my husband, unable to man-up and take care of the situation. SO you can either drive yourself nuts or you can accept that this is how he is going to deal and move on. I don't think you need medication, I just think you need to accept that this is how it is going to be and let him deal with them. He is not going to change, it is obvious, so unless you want to leave like Jana suggested, you are going to deal with this forever!

erica said...

Jeez girl. :(

Like Jana, I'm amazed you haven't packed up and left yet either. You are a SAINT to put up with all of this; I'm not sure I would and I also agree you don't need meds.

It's really a shame Bill cannot see what this is doing to you. Having read you for years, I just can't believe he is still basically putting his mother first, after everything you've done and said and tried to do; after all YOUR compromise. I truly hate that he appears to be so selfish. :(

I don't know what your actual cut-off point with him is, but I up he wakes up before you reach it. He won't like waking up alone and knowing he's lost the best woman in his life.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to be mature enough to put things into real perspective. Those lies could have been much worse. They could have been about drugs, other women, other men, money, gambling, the list goes on and on. Or you can chose to flip out over the smallest of things( wait! I don't think Bill loving his parents is small) and end up raising two little boys by yourself or yet worse - you get to visit them every other weekend and one day during the week.

Kristin said...


If you feel fine being lied to & think it's "mature" to not care about not just one lie, but MANY over the course of 10 years - ones that DO include money - that's your deal. Have fun with it.

But for me, after all of the lies that have been told, to the point where there's been wonder of him being a compulsive liar, a lie is a lie until he can be trusted - no matter what it's about.

And quite frankly, this isn't a "small problem" like you seem to think. Have you ever been in the position of trying to rebuild trust like this? I always think it's interesting how people who comment anonymously seem to know it all about someone elses life.

tyfamilyadventures said...

I cant imagine Kristin..I am so sorry hope things work out.

Joanna said...

Wow...I would be pissed off. Reading the part of you emailing him...I thought I was reading my life. Men are such F-ups! I love my husband as you love Bill, but what part of the male brain is programmed to lie about trivial things?! You do not need medication. If anybody does it's him and his constant lying. Good Luck! I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...


Since you have absolutely no idea who I am take this for whatever it's worth to you. I have little idea (beyond what I've read here in your blog) about why you relationship with your in-laws is "strained" to put it nicely. Possibly I can give you an idea of why your husband lies regarding his parents.

I am in a similar situation only it's my parents that can be both insane and insensitive a lot of the time. About a year ago, my husband lost it. He wanted nothing more to do with them or my siblings. Truly I recognize my family's problems, but I grew up with them so it is very easy for me to shrug it off and go about my day. I do understand that for my husband it is not so easy. If he did not want to see them anymore, I could handle that, but it wasn't just that. Then it was our son couldn't see them either. I had an issue with that. My family is great to and with our son, but the compromise became that they could only see him if I was there at all times. My family did not understand (because they were acting how they always had - why these new rules?) so put a lot of pressure on me to "fix" things. While my husband said it was fine for me to see my family - it really wasn't. After visits or phone calls I would get the silent treatment for days. Then the screaming - why are you choosing them over me. Even if he didn't act out every time I would at least get an eye roll that would make me think it was going to start. All of the pressure and stress from both sides was unbelievable. I would do anything to alleviate it. If that meant lying about a phone call - damn straight I'd do it. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt me. It was very easy for him to say choose me over them. Not easy (or possible) for me to do. They are my family - a part of me. They are not a danger to my husband or son. They are just different. This in no way lessens my love or attachment to my husband and he is free to not associate with them. He also does not get to use our son as a bargaining chip for what he wants. It's not fair to our son who loves his grandparents dearly. Anyway - this is truly not an attack on you. You have your reasons for the way you feel and I am sure they are more than justified. Just a view from the other side of the fence - your husband has got to feel so much stress, tension, pressure as well. Good luck to you both, and I hope you find a resolution soon.

Anonymous said...

I think it is so sad that Bill is putting his obligation (for lack of a better word) to his mother or the feelings of you.

Where is the equality or partnership?

Why don't your feelings matter more than his crazy mother's?

So sad that he doesn't see how he continues to rip the family apart because he's so afraid to hurt his mothers feelings.


Kristin said...

Anonymous 3:07 -

I appreciate your point of view. I can see how Bill would feel the same way, especially with the pressure and stress this whole mess causes.

It would be a hell of a lot easier if he would be truthful about everything, even the smallest, mundane details. In the past, I probably acted much like your husband - eye rolling and being bothered by the thought of a simple conversation. I've been trying to be more sympathetic and at this point - I truly don't care that he talks to them (really!), but I would like to know if they asked about the crisis or if there has been any talk of getting us on a different path (or refusal to do so).

That's why knowing about the conversations is important to me. If each conversation they have is superficial & nothing is done to mend our family - then that shows me that Bill's family really doesn't care in the last about what's going on.

Kelly said...

Years ago, when I met my son's father, I took antidepressants. Mind you, I was 18 and I had hit a rough patch. Shortly after I met him, I stopped taking my medicine (under doctors okay). Since then, for the past 7 years, if we get in a big fight he would tell me that I am crazy and I need my meds.

For your sake, I hope your husband knocks it off. It is mean and on the verge of emotionally label your extreme emotions as a need for medication (no matter any previous diagnosis).