Friday, June 26, 2009

It's a trap!

Last week my ESP kicked in and I knew something was going on with the in-laws. After asking a few questions, I discovered that Grandma L and Aunt Ju-Ju were trying to convince Bill to go to counseling with them - by himself. He said he kept telling then 'No'. The feeling I had was never resolved after finding out this information. My intuition was keeping me on alert because there was more to the story. Something else was going to happen.

Wednesday night Bill told me that Aunt Ju-Ju scheduled an appointment for the next day and Grandma L was guilt tripping Bill into going. They never accepted his rejection and rather than talking about why he was saying no (despite him telling them during their last visit that we aren't going any further with them until they take an introspective look at their part of the issue), they ignored everything and kept pressuring. She told him that they didn't have to talk about the cut-off issue and that they were going to talk about "their family" (Grandma L, Grandpa L, Aunt Ju-Ju and Bill). Manipulation at it's finest.

He told me he was going because he wanted to figure out what kind of relationship he has with them. They have never had any type of communication skills at all, resorting to superficial conversation about the weather and crap like that. Since the cut-off with me and the boys, Bill apparently doesn't talk to his family much anymore. Not by my demand, but because they really have nothing to say to each other, even the pointless drivel. He wanted to figure out what direction they were going.

I tried to tell him that they weren't going to talk about anything other than the cut-off. That it was a chance for them to corner him and continue with the Kristin-bashing without me there. I tried to tell him that it was a trap, and to explain once again, that the Cleaver Family that he wants them to be does not exist, it never did and it will never be that way. He still went anyway.

And I was right.

Apparently the session only lasted 20 minutes. In the first five minutes, they got in there and started talking and of course got to the root of the problem - the cutoff - in which Bill pulled the breaks on them and said he wasn't going to talk about that issue without me there. The next 20 minutes (the rest of the session) was Bill talking to the counselor one-on-one without his mom or sister in there.

She told him it was pointless to continue counseling until we get the big picture straightened out. He told her that in order for us to move forward, I need a sincere apology from both of them. At the very least, I need them to admit the truth and stop lying. The counselor said that may never happen (haven't we known this all along?). She wants to do a mediation where Bill and I go in and talk with her by ourselves, then at a different session, Aunt Ju-Ju and Grandma L go in and talk with her. Once again, this is a HUGE waste of time. The problem is so big and we are so far gone that the damage is irreparable. I will never get what I need from them. Ever. Otherwise I would have already gotten it.

I told Bill that I would go see this counselor with him for our side of the mediation, but I am not going to do another session with his family. I've learned my lesson from the last session with them. His mom and sister are very capable of picking up the phone and doing what needs to be done if they are serious about mending our broken family. They aren't.

It kills me that Bill still can't see the situation clearly. He was totally mislead and fell into their trap, not wanting to believe that they were manipulating him. I am proud of him for stopping the situation and not letting them go any farther with their attempts to drive us apart. I am proud of him for standing up for me as well, expressing my needs in my defense. This is a huge step and it restores some lost trust from the past. I just wish he could accept that his family is never going to change or do anything to resolve the hurt. I know that's hard for him to do.

They are here for a week (I think) and I'm sure this won't be the last attempt at guilt trips and manipulation. Unfortunately.


Eriness said...

Wonderful that Bill was unified with you and your wishes. I did not know that they still contacted him ...

Kelly said...

You were right! As much as it sucks that something sneaky was going on, at least you know that you knew...right?

Bleh. Sorry you have to deal with this stuff.

Joanna said...

MEN! How come they don't see these things...We read into every word that people play...and can pick it for what it's worth...Men don't put effort into that sorta thing.

OY! I am glad though that he stuck up for you!! : ) Good Luck while they are still around.