Monday, July 02, 2007

Now it's my turn
Yesterday started out OK, then turned to crap. Aunt Ju-Ju called Bill to invite us out for breakfast (this in & of itself is a miracle). We met up at their house & walked to the restaurant where we had some good food. After breakfast we walked to a cookie shop & got a few cookies to eat & walked to a water feature with fountains & a place for the kids to play.

Logan had a blast playing in the fountains. He would run around, acting silly, then stand on the the hole in the ground where water would squirt up, waiting to get soaked. He was so, so, so cute that he entertained all of the other families that were there. His antics elicited many laughs, oooos & awes. It was so fun.
After Logan was completely drenched, it was time for him to take a nap. We walked back to Aunt Ju-Ju's house & got ready to go home. He fell asleep in the stroller on the way there & he promptly passed out when he was in the car. He slept for a very long time when we got home.

While back at home, I wasn't feeling too well. I was slightly nauseous. I just thought it was the heat & hoped that I wasn't getting sick. Right around dinner time, I had the flu. Bill took care of Logan while I camped out in the bathroom.

The whole time I was sick, the only thing I could think of was how I couldn't do this again for 9 months. The ticking of the biological clock was smashed by the reality of what I would have to go through with another pregnancy. It made me cry. After I was finished being sick, I came downstairs & asked Bill to send in the information the insurance company was asking for (yes, we're STILL having administrative problems with insurance & this is a NEW company). I told him that I was going to go in to see the OBGYN & get a prescription for the pill (which I haven't been on in years).

"I thought you didn't want to do that", asked Bill. "I don't", I cried. "But I can't do this again. I only have the flu right now. It gets better after a few days. I don't think I could handle doing this for 9 months again". He rubbed my back saying that I didn't have to worry about it right now.

This happens every time I get sick with the flu. While I'm not sick, I think about having another baby. I think about Logan being a big brother & how this time around, I would really enjoy the newborn stage knowing how to deal with Bill's family. But then, I get sick. While I'm losing my breakfast, the feelings I had during Logan's pregnancy come back from the corners of my brain, reminding me that this is how I felt every single day for months & months & months. I lived on the couch. I couldn't function like a normal pregnant mom.

I don't think this would be fair to Logan. He would miss out on playgroups & daily activity while I'm hostage to the illness of HG. I wouldn't be a good mom. I wouldn't even be a mom. I couldn't take care of him at all! This sucks. Why do I get my hopes up with my brain clouded from the truth of what life would be like pregnant again. Why does it take the flu to smack me back into reality?

6 comments:

Mof2 said...

I am sorry to hear about the fear of HG again for the reason your not wanting to be pregnant. After reading your posts about it and reading about it in a magazine, I can say that I do not blame you in the least. Your right about being a mom to Logan. It wouldn't be easy trying to spend time with him and then being sick for 9 solid months. You will end up making the best decision in the end of it all. Good luck with finding a great pill to get on. I love Ortho Tri Cyclen, I have been on it for about 6 months now and I haven't had any problems with it.

Jen said...

Well, since I am now going through HG for the THIRD time.....I can say with some confidence....RUN!!!!! GET ON THE PILL!!! :) HURRY!!!

Zofran is AMAZING, but birth contol is SO much better!

Erin said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope you feel better soon. I don't really know what to say, except that like mof2 said, whatever decision you make will be the right one for you...there's nothing wrong with being an only child...I do know HG is rough, from having read your posts and from working with a woman pregnant with her 2nd HG pregnancy. Her little girl is 3, and she'll be having her tubes tied after this one. She's on a lot of medication, and some days are better than others for her. She voices the same concerns to me that you're voicing...worrying she's not being a good enough mom etc. You all are great mom's, and if you do decide to have another baby, I have no doubt that you'll make the best of the situation and you will STILL be a wonderful mom to Logan! Either way, don't feel bad!

jenny said...

The Pill blows! Go for FAM.. I am doing it! No side effects, complete control over your cycles; you know EXACTLY when or when not to have sex whether you are trying to get pregnant or not. You'll get to know your body on a whole other level. Maybe you'll even discover an illness (like me) that had sub clinical symptoms. There is power in knowledge.

Kayce said...

Even pregnant now, I'm torn about this topic too. Honestly, it wasn't the least bit easy putting up with killer morning sickness this time around (you know, you read my blog), but now that things are levelling out with how I feel, I'm glad I put up with it again. But I know what I went through both times was mild compared with the hell you went through with Logan. I'm sorry one short-lived flu will keep you from having more kids, but if the morning sickness is bad enough to be a deal-breaker, then it's better to be reminded now than once you're pregnant again. Maybe if you really feel like your family isn't complete, you can look into what M and I might do for a third if that's how we feel: adoption.

Liz said...

Oyf.

First off, I'm so sorry you have the stomach bug. That's awful, and it's just so hard being sick AND being a mom. Thank goodness Bill was there to help you through the parenting bits.

Next: there just isn't enough "OY" in the world. It's such a gamble for you, isn't it? You were so so sick during your pregnancy with Logan, but there's no guarantee that another pregnancy would bring about the HG again, is there? What a risk.

I guess there are other ways that Logan can be a big brother, but if it's the experience of pregnancy and birth that draw you in, as it does for me, then that's a whole other ball of wax, isn't it?

I'm not loving the pill--I use Yaz. But I think I'm also older than you, so there's that. If you're interested in other methods of birth control that won't mess with your hormones, I'd recommend exploring those options. For me, The Pill is just more of a hassle and a hormonal mind f*ck than anything. I'm tooooo old!

Hope you're feeling better ASAP, Kristin!