Now it's my turn
Yesterday started out OK, then turned to crap. Aunt Ju-Ju called Bill to invite us out for breakfast (this in & of itself is a miracle). We met up at their house & walked to the restaurant where we had some good food. After breakfast we walked to a cookie shop & got a few cookies to eat & walked to a water feature with fountains & a place for the kids to play.
Logan had a blast playing in the fountains. He would run around, acting silly, then stand on the the hole in the ground where water would squirt up, waiting to get soaked. He was so, so, so cute that he entertained all of the other families that were there. His antics elicited many laughs, oooos & awes. It was so fun.
After Logan was completely drenched, it was time for him to take a nap. We walked back to Aunt Ju-Ju's house & got ready to go home. He fell asleep in the stroller on the way there & he promptly passed out when he was in the car. He slept for a very long time when we got home.
While back at home, I wasn't feeling too well. I was slightly nauseous. I just thought it was the heat & hoped that I wasn't getting sick. Right around dinner time, I had the flu. Bill took care of Logan while I camped out in the bathroom.
The whole time I was sick, the only thing I could think of was how I couldn't do this again for 9 months. The ticking of the biological clock was smashed by the reality of what I would have to go through with another pregnancy. It made me cry. After I was finished being sick, I came downstairs & asked Bill to send in the information the insurance company was asking for (yes, we're STILL having administrative problems with insurance & this is a NEW company). I told him that I was going to go in to see the OBGYN & get a prescription for the pill (which I haven't been on in years).
"I thought you didn't want to do that", asked Bill. "I don't", I cried. "But I can't do this again. I only have the flu right now. It gets better after a few days. I don't think I could handle doing this for 9 months again". He rubbed my back saying that I didn't have to worry about it right now.
This happens every time I get sick with the flu. While I'm not sick, I think about having another baby. I think about Logan being a big brother & how this time around, I would really enjoy the newborn stage knowing how to deal with Bill's family. But then, I get sick. While I'm losing my breakfast, the feelings I had during Logan's pregnancy come back from the corners of my brain, reminding me that this is how I felt every single day for months & months & months. I lived on the couch. I couldn't function like a normal pregnant mom.
I don't think this would be fair to Logan. He would miss out on playgroups & daily activity while I'm hostage to the illness of HG. I wouldn't be a good mom. I wouldn't even be a mom. I couldn't take care of him at all! This sucks. Why do I get my hopes up with my brain clouded from the truth of what life would be like pregnant again. Why does it take the flu to smack me back into reality?