A pivotol point.
I usually don't write about our marriage on the blog. I feel that some things are better left private & sacred. However, this event deserves a post. As small of an action that it may have been, it made a huge impact.

Our marriage has been challenging for the last year or so. The adjustment to new roles & responsibilities have taken a toll. In the beginning with Bill's old work schedule, I felt like a single parent who was held hostage in a house all day long, all week long. The issues with his mother certainly weren't helping any either. I felt like I wasn't being listened to. I wasn't being understood or supported emotionally. I really felt very alone. I know that he felt unappreciated & the lack of time for just the two of us really bothered him. I know he felt that there were expectations that were difficult to meet.

There has been tension between us. I've called my sisters crying many times. There were times I questioned our relationship & wondered if we should keep going on. I had even gone as far as making plans to move out with Logan if I had to. These were just some of the things that we had been feeling.

We've been working on things, slowly but surely. We really wanted to save our marriage & make it work. Not only because it kills the two of us to think about "sharing" Logan & living in a divided home, but we really want to do it for us. Fortunately there is more love there than resentment & bitterness.

Since our move, things have been better. Bill has been home more & I feel like we're really a family. We're out & about on almost a daily basis. Bill gives Logan a bath every night & stays home to play with him while I get a break & work out a few times a week. This change alone has done wonders.

Not much had changed on the emotional level, until yesterday. I still had ill feelings with how Bill sided with his mom on our housing issue. I stood up for myself & he didn't say anything. I had been feeling like it wasn't a marriage of two, but three.

It came to my attention that "Grandma L" thinks I'm starving Logan. I had a conversation with her the other day where she asked about his liking of solids & if he was gaining weight. "Oh, good", she sighed in relief after I said yes. After much thought, I realized that she has felt that way from day one. From all of her comments about "that's the problem with breast feeding", "when is Logan going to start formula, eating solids" (asked at 4 months old) & telling me that his stomach is constantly growling. She created quite a complex on my end, making myself question my actions as a mother.

I researched & made calls to Logans' pediatrician to make sure I wasn't starving him. Everyone assured me that he was growing just fine. He had plenty of wet diapers. I was reminded that at his 4 month check-up, the Doctor recommended that we stop one middle of the night nursing to help him sleep through the night. If he was starving, this recommendation wouldn't have been made. Logan was & is a healthy, happy little boy.

So needless to say, her comments & reaction pissed me off. Big time. Bill came home from work & asked what we should have for dinner. "I'm not that hungry. Dinner is the last thing on my mind right now", I replied. "Well, what are you thinking about"?

Reluctantly, I told him. "You were a statistic of childhood obesity. She fed you Coke & Snickers after dinner every night. Food is not the solution for every time he cries! She is the last person I would listen to about infant nutrition & I will flat out tell her off", I said. He sat there & listened to me. Not just listening to me, but hearing me out.

He didn't defend her. He said that he would talk to her. He assured me that I was a great mom. He knew it & Logan knows it & that's what matters most. He said that we could even make up lies to shut her up. That made me laugh. He hugged me & I cried on his shoulder as I vented. I felt better. Instantly.

This is what I've needed all along. A hug, some reassurance & someone to back me up. In this 5 minute action I felt a click. A switch. Like a train moving to a different track. Not only did I feel better physically, but emotionally too. It was like the clouds parted & there were warm rays of sunshine. Now I feel like we're on the same page.

So Billy, if you read this...Thank You. You really made me feel so much better, on so many levels. I love you with all of my heart.