Friday, March 02, 2007

This took a very, very long time to write
In all of the posts that I've written about my past, this one contains the most pain. It was more than I intended to share. It took many hours to collect the courage to publish it. Regardless, I decided not to edit it as the events are real & they had a very real impact on me. This post also contains the most profound change that I've experienced in motherhood. This is the reason for sharing this information. As well as the benefit of a cathartic purge.

Last week, one of my sisters told me about some events that had happened in the House of Horrors that used to be our home. Our youngest sister is still living there. I don't have a relationship with her because I moved out when she was 4. I was 15. I didn't keep up with frequent contact while the three of them were there because it was entirely too painful for me. After my final blowout with my mom, I didn't call the house ever again. Relationships with my sisters grew stronger after they moved out & I could talk to them. Our youngest sister has 3 more years to go before she escapes. However, I still hear about what happens through my other two sisters (because they choose to still have a relationship with our mom).

I've looked back through posts about my childhood & I've never explained why I hate my mom so much. I never really gave any details about my Hell.

When I was 8, our parents divorced. Even though our Dad was a drug addicted, abusive, alcoholic, I blamed our mom for a lot of it. At the same time, she was a drug addicted alcoholic too. But even with the blame, I still had some level of respect for her. Even admiration. After the divorce, she worked & took care of us girls (in retrospect, she didn't really) & I saw her as a strong woman who didn't need a man (another childhood delusion about her).

Very soon after the divorce (too soon), our step-dad (AKA: Satan) entered the picture. He was another drug addicted, abusive, alcoholic. But he also had pedophile attached to his resume. The following 7 years of my life were the most traumatic & painful years I've ever experienced.

I endured torment in one form or another from both of them. Beatings & verbal rages were daily occurrences. The deepest pain was that our mother just stood back letting it happen. Not only was she to blame for the pain, but she was also to blame for not stopping it. She flat out denied that anything was wrong. When the time came & I told the whole story of what was going on, she called me a liar. She chose an addicted, abusive child molester over her own first born daughter. And still does to this day.

It was a miracle that I made it out alive because when I left, it was to the point where someone was going to die. Either "Satan" was going to kill me from slamming my head into the back door one too many times, or I was going to kill him by pushing him down the basement stairs or I was going to kill myself because I could not take it anymore. Whatever scenario it was, death was a daily thought in my mind.

When I left, I had major issues with the guilt I had in leaving my sisters behind. After Bill & I got married, each sister made it a point to graduate early so they could leave. Once they finished school, our home was a place that they could escape to.

When the first "escape" happened, I had grown to hate my mom even more. Not only did she damage me, but she damaged my sister too. When my sister had a conversation on the phone with our mom about why she left, I could hear our mom cursing & screaming at her. I grabbed the phone from my sister & screamed like I have never screamed at my mom before. That was the last day I ever talked to her. I decided that my life was better off without having to deal with such a toxic person.

When the second "escape" happened, the hate for my mom grew like a cancer. I had come to understand what living a childhood like that does to a girl. All three of us were dealing with major issues, from a range of panic & anxiety attacks, depression, drug & alcohol addiction & eating disorders. Each time one of my sisters fled from home, I wished my mother an instant & extremely painful death.

Years have gone by since the last escape. My sisters & I have grown much closer than we were in our early years. We've been there for each other & we understand the shared pain we carry in our hearts. The hatred for my mother never diminished though.

Then last week I heard that our youngest sister was going through some hard times. It echoed my experience, but much worse. She has been bounced around from one house & back, not doing well in school, hanging out with the wrong crowd & making poor choices. A final blow up happened & she is going to live with another sister over the summer.

This is the part that I'm having a very difficult time accepting....

Upon hearing this news, my initial gut reaction was, "How incredibly sad. This mother has lost all of her children by choice. That was her last chance & she blew it. She must feel an enormous amount of pain. She must be dealing with some serious self loathing".

It was a feeling of empathy from one mother to another. It was the first time in my adult life that I didn't have an instant hatred & death wish upon her. It was the first time I saw her as a person rather than a monster. It was a feeling that totally caught me off guard & I was completely unprepared for it. I wasn't "working" on trying to feel differently about her either.

I didn't (& quite frankly, still don't) know what to make of this. It's unsettling because that hatred was comfortable, familiar & safe. It's confusing. Is this forgiveness? If it is, does that excuse the events of the past? Am I ashamed that I didn't instantly feel she was a villain? Is this the beginning of finally letting it all go? But I do know, whether I like it or not, whether I made a conscious effort to do so or not, it's a step in the right direction in being completely healed. If that's even really possible.

I've asked my sisters what our moms says when they explain their feelings about our childhood. They say she cries & says she's sorry.

This empathy has been conflicted with flashbacks of the past as well. How can you empathize with someone when remembering being pelted with rotten apples from the back yard trees when you weren't picking them up fast enough. Or standing in the front yard with your friends explaining why the DEA & swat team were there on a drug bust. Or explaining to the Doctor that "I fell down the stairs" when really you were beat with the entire phone, base & receiver, after it had been ripped from the wall in your mothers fit of rage. Even more so, remembering the stages of grooming a pedophile does to his victim. Remembering the day after, going to school feeling like a completely different person-like a hollow shell-forever changed. And remembering that the only way I felt safe at night was to move my dresser in front of my bedroom door, barricading myself in.

Somehow, empathy & forgiveness seems wrong.

I struggled with these conflicting feelings all week. I cried thinking about my mom as a mother in pain. I cried knowing that even though she's sorry, she still doesn't make any life changes. I cried at night not wanting to accept this change of feelings, not wanting to acknowledge that I really might be taking the steps to letting go. I tried to sort them out this morning, wondering what this may do for our future. I'm not ready to go there yet. And all I can say, is that it still makes me cry.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I don't know what to say.
This must have taken serious courage to write, and share with your readers.

I hope & pray you are able to sort out your feelings..

Best wishes!

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what to say. You're quite a woman for having survived that kind of a childhood, even though it sounds like you will wear both physical and emotional scars the rest of your life. It does sound like a breakthrough you had the other day, though. Maybe that was indeed the first step to healing...

Anonymous said...

Oh man.

You are such a strong woman to not only endure that, but to now have your following struggles as well with acceptance and possible? forgiveness.

IF this is indeed forgiveness on your part (one mother to another) it does NOT excuse past events; it may mean however, that you *are* at a time in your life when you're ready to put that portion of your life behind you, in order to move forward. Of course that's going to be a struggle and be hard to do because of all you've gone through, and I do understand how difficult it is to let that sort of pain and hatred go. It's a strange place to be in, a strange feeling to have.

Also, just because this may very well be forgiveness on your part, does not mean you have to suddenly contact her again. She doesn't ever have to know your thoughts and feelings if you don't want her to. It will be enough for YOU to know that things are changing in your head and in your heart, and that you are truly now being able to finally heal.

You're a truly wonderful woman Kristin, and an absolutely fantastic mother. For you to be feeling this way just proves that a thousand times over. It really sounds like your healing process has begun, and you are going to feel so much better for it as time goes on. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Oh Wow! You and Roseanne Barr.

Jezer said...

You are amazing.

I think that you have succeeded in emotionally separating yourself from your mother, but what that means is that you no longer feel love *or* hate for her. It's almost as if she is a story that you read about. And with that neutrality comes the ability to empathize. I can only imagine how conflicting and confusing this may feel.

Empathy is nothing to be ashamed of. And *if* this is also forgiveness (and it doesn't have to be), then that is nothing to be sorry for either.

The upshot here is that you have maintained and cultivated good relationships with your sisters. And now, you'll have the opportunity to know your youngest sister better as well.

Those are a lot of feelings to deal with. I'm sure it will take time to get them all sorted out.

Sending big hugs your way.

Unknown said...

Kristin, I am in tears after reading this. Your openness, honesty, and pure emotion are almost tangible in this post. I am amazed (even more now) at what an awesome and absolutely AMAZING mom you are. You have taken the worst of the worst and you have grown and learned from it. This post touches me more than any post I have EVER read, ever, in all my years of blogging. I understand what it feels to be a victim of childhood violence, I was too. Your hatred is understandable and to me the only way to go. I like to pretend that it never happened to me. I don't know if that means forgiveness or just survival, but it's what works for me now.

Your sisters are lucky to have you to model what motherhood truly means. You love your son so much and would never dream of hurting him. They can watch you grow as a mother, a wife, a sister and a daughter and learn from you. And Logan will never know the emotions you've had, thank God.

I know we don't know each other, but for some reason I feel really close to you and I really just want to scoop you up in my arms and hug you and let you cry. And then the babies could play together while we talk over some coffee.

You are amazing, girl... you are a prime example of a woman who's overcome the bad hand dealt to her and come out on top.

Ashley said...

I'm sorry. It is amazing how you managed to turn out so incredibly well, to be strong, loving and completely capable. Logan is so blessed to have you, especially with the knowledge that you would never hurt him because you know firsthand what that does to someone. I'm sorry, and thank you for sharing.

Canadian Mommy said...

Thank you for sharing that story. It must be incredibly hard to be so open to 'strangers'. I too think that your empathy is a step to getting past it all. I don't think it means that you have to forgive her (that is unless you want to).
The best thing is for you and your sisters to break the cycle, which you obviously already have. You are a wonderful mother and a good friend.

big hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

((hugs))

liz said...

I read this yesterday but decided to think on it a bit before posting a comment.
First, thank you for finding the courage to write this. And to share it with us. You are an amazing woman who's lived through more than most people will ever. And you've come out of the bad and created a world of love and goodness for yourself and your family. You should be very proud of yourself.
Next, I think that there's a HUGE difference between empathy and forgiveness. You can empathize with your mother more now that you're a mother yourself. But you don't necessarily have to forgive.
Becoming parents gives us such an insight into what it must've been like for our own parents. For me, I can better understand the decisions that my mother made as she raised my brother and I. And although they aren't the choices I think I would make (but who can really know?), I can understand where she was coming from.
Reading this, I can't help but think of your mother as a victim of her own circumstances. Many women who are abused choose to stay with their abusers, usually out of fear for themselves.
I wish I knew how to make this "all better" for you, to take all the hurt away. But I can't.
I think that the bond you share and grow with your sisters is truly a testament to the strength you've found in yourself. As the oldest sister, you are living by example and I'm sure your sisters look to you for their strength, too.
In my experience, healing does not always mean forgiveness. In fact, in my personal situation, I've been able to heal by NOT forgiving. Once I could fully understand that the pattern of forgiveness-followed-by- disappointment-followed-by-hurt was never going to end, THEN I figured out that I can put it behind me. It doesn't make it suck any less, but it makes it manageable.
Keep on keeping on, Kristen. And even though we don't know each other in real life, please know you can count on me any time you feel like you need to talk.
xoxoxo from Brooklyn, yo.

Anonymous said...

I admire your courage in sharing your story. As I was reading, I kept thinking of Logan and how wonderful it is for him to have the woman that lived through this as his mother. You have the strength and character that comes from living through adversity and will be able to set a great example for him.

As you work through this, please know that your online friends are here for you -- with support and virtual hugs whenever you need them. :)

Dawn @ Bent, not broken said...

I am blown away by your post. Blown away because it just proves how strong you are!! I won't bore you with the problems I had growing up- lots of drug, alcohol, mental and physical abuse as well that never seemed to end.. but I couldn't help but continue to read what you had to say and feel the utmost respect for you. You are truly an inspiration for sure. One of the biggest things you've already done since bringing Logan into this world is that you've stopped that cycle of what you had to endure as you grew up. Always think of that because that's major. I wish you the absolute best with continuing to heal from such bad times. You are definitely a strong woman (and even though you are ..even strong women are allowed to cry).

Jake Silver said...

This is one of those posts that I just don't know... as an anonymous Blogger... what am I supposed to leave as a comment? But I guess, being a Blogger I know how much courage it took to write this and post it.

Anonymous said...

Kristin,
What a sad and terrible childhood you had. No happy times, warm memories of growing up to share with your son. No love from your father or mother. How hard it must be for you to give love/be loved, not knowing what it feels like. Whether you know it or not, it sounds as if you were lucky to get away when you were 15. You were given the opportunity to start with a clean slate, to re-invent yourself. You can be whoever or whatever you want to be. OR…..you can chose to carry around this baggage with you, letting it define who and what you are. Every time you feel a familiar feeling, sound, smell or touch from your past, you can open your bag and rummage through it. Pull out some sad occurrence and embellish it, bring it to life. However, by doing this, you will never heal. Your wound will continue to fester and carry over into other parts of your life.
Please seek help. Logan is beautiful and cute and so very young. He hasn’t gotten to the age where he is able to push your buttons to the point where you are so enraged you’re not sure what to do. In your own words “The deepest pain was that our mother just stood back letting it happen. Not only was she to blame for the pain, but she was also to blame for not stopping it” will not harvest love, respect, forgiveness (not forgetfulness) nor happiness and only bring regret later on in life.

Anonymous said...

If he was truly abusing you and your sisters, then you must do something about it. I don't know about statute of limitations issues, but this criminal should be brought to justice - it is not enough to forgive. If you all stand together, it can be done.

Kristin said...

Anon 9:57
I'm thinking you missed the whole point of the post. It wasn't that I carry around my "baggage" to relish it, not moving forward.

Nor was it just a sob story to share with the rest of the world.

The point was that through motherhood, I've found common ground with my own mother & more human understanding. With this empathy & neutrality in feeling, there is no love or hate for her anymore.

The profoundness of the epiphany is that there was such hate & absolute horror from the unspeakable & by my own life as a mother, the choices that I make to not repeat the past & the sudden sense of empathy...that healing has begun.

Thank you for your concern on getting help. I'm working with someone on dealing with the flashbacks. I'm not sure if you've ever suffered from PTSD. But that's what it is.

And I hope you're not hinting that Logan is in danger. Because he's not.

Kristin said...

Anon 10:01
I gave video taped statements to CPS. The cops are still there on a regular basis, knowing full well what's happening. My sisters have called many, many times.

There were not arrests after drug busts. There were no arrests after statements to CPS. There were no arrests after going to the Doctor & being questioned about my injuries.

There is a flaw in the system...big time.

Kristin said...

Anon 9:57
I forgot one more thing. While you may think it's very hard for me to love others or be loved, that isn't true.

I have absolutely no "issues" with loving my son. Showing him though hugs, laughter & fun or telling him how much I love him & how cute he is. I don't have problems doing the same for Bill or my sisters either.

Ashley said...

Why is it that when people have something rude or "controversial" to say, they are too chickenshit to admit who they are? Maybe because they're wrong and have no idea what the hell they're talking about? Kristin, it is SO evident through your blog and the emails I've shared with you that you are an amazing, loving and wonderful mother, wife, sister and friend. You continually inspire me with the way you talk about your love for Logan. There's absolutely no denying that. Writing about your feelings for him is one of the greatest gifts he'll ever get from you. I have no doubts whatsoever that you will continually show him your love and respect. Yes he'll make you mad, but you've learned so much in what NOT to do, that of course you will do the right thing and not hurt him. Puh-leese. That's the most ridiculous insinuation I've ever heard. Anonymous, either rebury your head in your ass and go away, or pull up your big kid panties and stand for what you're saying.

Kristin said...

Thanks Ashley :)

I kind of figured that this post would bring out the random anonymous comments again. Whenever I post something meaningful or eventful, something other than diaper changes & playgroup, some anonymous jerk has something to say about it. Whatever.

I think that was pretty presumptuous to assume that it must be hard for me to love or be loved. Or that I choose to just sit around, constantly reflecting on what happened. I kind of feel like they just decided to spurt off some psycho-babble about child psychology & the effects of trauma.

Kristi said...

All I can say is that I hope one day you find peace with it all.

Avorie said...

You know... Sometimes women from abusive homes turn out to be the best mothers - probably because they understand how delicate children are. I know this from personal experience. My mom was from a very abusive home and yet she is the most wonderful and loving person.