And so it begins.
We meet with an attorney tomorrow afternoon to move forward with the lawsuit. After many follow up calls to the National Director of HR of The Gym (which I will totally out one day so everyone can cancel their memberships. It's probably smart to wait until the case is settled) & no returned calls from him. It's on. Funny, because there was supposed to be this "big meeting" with other HR employees & even Sales Directors that Bill worked under. Considering the lack of communication, I don't think this meeting ever happened. I'm pretty sure we were lied to again. Why am I surprised...

I have a feeling this may be a long ride, but I'm hoping for the best. I will not let our family go down & I refuse to let corporate BS ruin us.

Logan is feeling a little bit better today. No puking, but the other end could improve, if you catch my drift. He hasn't had much of an appetite today & we missed a play day at the local swimming pool with The Club. I hope he's feeling well enough for playgroup tomorrow, because the two of us need to get out of the house. The Little Man is bored out of his mind, which makes for a very annoyed mom.

Well, wish us luck & send us good vibes for tomorrow! We'll need it.

Viruses
Well, we've had all sorts of viruses going around over here. First it started with the computer. Bill got a free wireless mouse & keyboard this weekend & tried getting those hooked up, while also downloading a bunch of other stuff. That infected our poor computer almost immediately. Last night, after hours of messing around with it, Bill announced that he would have to reformat the hard drive.

This wasn't as devastating as it has been in the past, like last summer when we moved & lost everything. If it weren't for PhotoBucket, we would've lost all of Logan's pictures. I did however, lose everything that I was writing for the books (because I wasn't using my brain & backing it up on the external drive). This time around we were smarter & the only thing I lost was the schedule on my desktop calender (which I have sort of backed up in my email). If I lost all of my work with Virtual Fitness, all of the cyber-client workout programs, Logan's pictures & all of the forms & such for MOMS Club, I would have died.

Bill got the computer up & running again (which is working a million times faster than before) & all of our important stuff is intact. Yea for Bill's computer genius.

Then, there was (is) a stomach virus going around the family. Yesterday Logan threw up. It was only once & it wasn't a big deal, so I thought that maybe it was something he ate & it just didn't sit right. He threw up again this morning & it was a bigger deal, but nothing like when he had the flu before the 4th of July (or Christmas). He was fine, running around the house yelling & screaming like he usually does. I stupidly decided to take him out for a walk this morning.

I met up with three other friends for a walk at a nearby park. Things were going fine until halfway through, Logan coughs. And pukes. It was all over him & all over the stroller. I took him into the restroom, stripped him down & rinsed off his clothes. I got him cleaned up & then got to the stroller. He was happily running around while I tried my best to make sure he didn't go playing around in the public toilets.

We left & came home so I could get him to bed & hose down the stroller in the front yard. So far, so good. We haven't had another episode. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

My 15 minutes of fame
Everyone who knows my TV watching habits, knows that I'm a reality TV junkie. I hate sitcoms (for the most part) & watch pretty much any reality show out there (give or take a few). Well, today I had a chance to be IN a reality show, thanks to my friend & workout partner who offered to let me ride her coat tails for this opportunity.

To continue to protect the name of my friend & the small town that we live in, I'll refrain from giving out the details of the show (what show, what channel & air date). But I will say it was a lot of fun & it changes my entire perception about reality TV. It's so not real at all. That won't stop me from watching it, but now I know....

My friend sent in an application for a certain show & they accepted it. They flew to our town & have been filming here all week. She asked if I wanted to be a part of it with her. Of course I told her yes! On Tuesday, Logan had a chance to be in too, but I had a meeting that I couldn't miss (I was very bummed about that). This morning was the final day of filming & I got to be in a big part of it.

I got to the filming site, got mic'ed (that was similar to getting the airport security pat down) & talked about filming angels & scripts. Yes. Reality TV is scripted! Well, this show was slightly scripted without writers, but with discussion of lines & conversation before every shot. There were many takes of particular scenes. After a while, I started to feel like this was a job (& realized that acting would be totally fun).

I'm going to feel like an absolute fool when this airs because it is THE CHEESIEST "acting" EVER. We had some very funny, sarcastic lines, but it wasn't natural. So, I'm not quitting my day job. I am an idiot & it's going to be on National TV for the whole world to see. I think my friend & I are going to have a viewing party where we're going to make fun of ourselves until we develop a complex. But we still had a blast, no matter how dorky we look. When we know the airing date I'll give everyone the heads up & let people know via email rather than posting it here. That way you all can make fun of us too. And give us bigger complexes.

In other 15 minutes of fame news, when I got home from filming this evening I found out that FOX News picked up a post that I wrote on The Other Blog last night. This is great & I hope it drives some more traffic over there. Since all of the "fun" life has been throwing at us, I've been really distracted & I've had a hard time posting regularly on Virtual Fitness. This was a little motivational boost & hopefully it sparks some interesting future posts.

I shouldn't make promises
Because I can't keep them. Remember when I said that I was going to take more pictures of Logan & even try to get some video? Well, that was a promise I have a hard time keeping. Why? Because we live in a cave.

Since we don't have an air conditioner, we close the blinds & "secure" the house, making sure there is not air coming in from the heat of hell outside. Since we are living in a cave-like environment, it makes for some crappy pictures, no matter what Photoshop can do. I tried anyway, but I'll try to get some decent ones some other time.

Here is his first time on the potty, even though nothing happened. It was more for his entertainment, rather than potty training purposes.

This was from this afternoon. Notice that he is sans clothing because it is too damn hot to wear clothes, even in the house.

He's having a fun time being a space man, even though my first thought was "Buckethead".

So there you have it folks. We're supposed to be cooling off this week, so I'll try to get some pictures with actual light in them. I plan on keeping the camera on me like another appendage.

That's what friends are for
Between venting my parenting frustrations here on the blog (thanks so much for the great comments!) & talking to my friends in the Club (who are all going through the exact same thing), I feel a lot better. The situation might be the same, but it helps to just get it off my chest. I went on a walk with a friend on Sunday & we talked about toddlerhood. She laughed at "screaming about screaming", because it's true. She's having a hard time as well because she just had her second & Little N (the older brother) is acting up on top of being a toddler. So, she gets it.

We had a babysitting co-op meeting this morning (which is just a glorified playgroup) where we all talked about toddlerhood over coffee. We laughed while the kids ran amuck (& some of them breaking things) & some confessed that they swore they would never be The Yelling Mom, but now they are. I can't imagine my life without all of these great friends.

Besides feeling better about being tortured by The Toddler, there have been some positive events in the making over here. Things are still too early to announce to the world, but on Thursday, I should have a pretty interesting story to tell.

Living with a toddler is like...
Chinese water torture. The constant screaming & throwing of fits, the endless temper tantrums, flinging food all over in the kitchen then being hungry afterward, tossing toys into the kitchen with the intent to drive me flat out crazy. It's killing me. Slowly.

The last week has been beyond draining. I've hit my limit. It's gotten to the point where when Logan screams in a fit (for diaper changes, because it's time to brush his teeth, because he's drinking juice & he wanted milk, because he spilled milk, because now he hates Goldfish crackers, because Buddha is barking, because I'm trying to work, because we're at the store & he can't reach the groceries to throw out of the cart, for no apparent reason...) I scream, "Stop screaming"! Seriously. Does that make sense? To scream about not screaming? I'm an idiot.

I've just been worn down over time. My patience with the terrible two's here is paper thin. God forbid this goes on for YEARS because I will just die a slow & painful death in my living room with the Disney Channel playing in the background making my ears bleed. I've noticed that I'm making myself busy with things to do while leaving Logan at home with Bill. I just have to get away. If I don't, with each day that I'm held hostage I get more frustrated & a hell of a lot grumpier. What I really need is a sensory deprivation tank where I can't hear the shrieks & screams, where I can't see the toys strewn about the house or the food stuck & dried to every spot by the highchair, where I can't smell the diaper pail or feel Logan climb all over me, using my chest & the fat on my thighs like rock climbing holds.

I need a mommy vacation.


When writing this, I wanted to cry because living like this totally sucks. But then after reading it, I had to laugh because this is what moms of toddlers complain about all of the time. I read it & thought, "Wait, I've heard this somewhere before. Wait! I've heard this a million times!" It's so cliche, it's humorous.

It's a good thing we went shopping
Remember that shopping spree that we went on last weekend, buying Logan a whole new wardrobe? The timing couldn't have been better. He is in the midst of another growth spurt. All of the moms were talking about how he looked bigger at playgroup this week. He's been sleeping all day & all night. He's been sleeping for almost 4 hours this afternoon. He slept for 12 last night. At this rate, he's going to wake up to be the size of a 12 year old.

Last night we went on anther Date Night. It was a lot of fun. The babysitting co-op (that I'm a co-coordinator of) organizes a Date Night once a month so everyone has the opportunity to spend time with their significant other without worrying about their kiddo & how much it will cost, because it's free. It's just getting started & I couldn't be happier that we have this service available to our club.

Bill & I went out for dinner (at a place that I'd never go back to again) & then went bowling. It's been forever since we'd been bowling & we had a great time. We were placing bets on who would win & the loser had to get up with Logan in the morning. Every time I bowled crappy, I joked about how it looked like I would be watching Jo-Jo's Circus or The Wiggles (or any other kids show that we totally hate). We got some good laughs over that (things that only parents would think of as being funny). Bill ended up kicking my butt.

After bowling we went out for ice cream & then left to go pick up Logan. Logan was on his best behavior & did really well at his friends house (along with 5 other kids there). After the other moms came by to pick up their kids, I stuck around to talk to the Date Night Host & Assistant to get some feed back about how the night went. Apparently, there was some drama.

One of the newest members of the club dropped her two kids off, without even introducing herself. She had never met the other two moms before & not only did she not introduce herself, but she didn't leave any detailed instructions about her kids. Her youngest is 10 months old & is still drinking from a bottle. She didn't explain anything about feeding or her usual bedtime...nothing. This baby ended up crying uncontrollably for 30 minutes. The Host & Assistant thought that she was just exhausted & up way past her bedtime (pick up was at 9pm). So, I ended up emailing a report to the other co-coordinator when I got home & we talked for awhile this morning too. We have a co-op meeting next week & we're going to address some more rules & regulations (like, inform people of infant feeding instructions & if your infant can't handle staying up past their bedtime, it would be a good idea to stay home), among other things. It should be an interesting meeting, to say the least.

Other than that, it was a successful night & we had fun. I'm glad Logan has been sleeping all day because I'm feeling exceptionally lazy too.

Another first! And a bunch of other stuff
As I was brushing Logan's teeth on Monday night, I noticed that his first molar (top left) has finally cut through. Finally! This is his 9th tooth & I hope the other molars are not as slow. It would be great if he got them soon because I would feel comfortable giving him different snacks, like dried fruit (raisins). Plus, the sooner the better because teething really irritates him & leaves him with a wicked diaper rash.

In cooking news, I've got to get moving on the Burger competition that's coming up. The deadline is the 20th of next month. This is The Big Competition too, with the grand prize being $50,000. That would just be amazing & really, a dream come true. I've been practicing with other meals & made a baked macaroni & cheese that is to die for. One of my friends just had her second baby & the Club gets together to make the new moms meals for a month. I made the mac n' cheese for her, along with a salad & home made strawberry shortcake for desert. It was a hit!

This is not a for sure thing yet, but Bill has sent out resumes to different gyms across the country. He got a reply from an owner asking a lot of questions. We might be moving to Seattle if this goes through. Like I said, it's not a solid offer yet, but Bill & I have been talking quite a bit about moving. There are pros & cons to living in a small town & one of those cons is the lack of opportunity in the job market. He's pretty much tapped out here unless he choses a different career path. As much as I love the town we're in (mostly because of friends), I would not complain at all if we moved to Seattle. I miss the Pacific Northwest so much & it would be so cool to live so close to the coast too.

However, the timing couldn't be worse if we moved. This morning I found out that two of the playgroup moms want to start training with me soon. One is the mac n' cheese friend, who is just about ready for her sixth week postnatal checkup. Once she gets the OK from her Doctor, we're starting. The other already works with a trainer, but her trainer might move across the state (Vail, I think). She wants me to train her at her home, which would be great. So, just as I'm building my client base, we're talking about moving. Convienient, isn't it.

Burying the hatchet
Hopefully, this is the last post about dealing with the in-laws. The family feud is over. I still can't believe it.

Thursday night, Bill & I had a pretty big fight about this weekends impending visit. There is always tension & anxiety before any of his family's visits, but this was one that took the cake. After thinking about this visit all day & the events that happened (or really, did not happen) over Memorial Day weekend, I told Bill that I couldn't go on with the way his family deals with issues, pretending like nothing happened. I couldn't wrap my mind around being cut off from the family & with the attempted destruction of our family unit one minute, only to act like it never happened the next without so much as a conversation. It wasn't normal to me & I couldn't deal with it. It was eating me up inside.

I told Bill that I had to tell it like it is & let them know how I felt, or I wasn't going to join them for lunch the next day. That's where Bill acted like a jerk & forgot everything we've been learning & working on in counseling for the last 7 or so months. It ended with me calling Aunt Ju-Ju to leave a message for Grandma L. I only wanted to say one sentence & that would make me feel OK again: "pretending that there isn't a problem doesn't make it go away". That was it. I didn't get that chance because I didn't get a call back. So, I told Bill that I was going to say it at lunch on Friday.

Friday afternoon we met Grandma L, Aunt Ju-Ju, Uncle J & Baby B for lunch. It was just like the visit over Memorial Day, acting as if nothing was wrong & with me fuming on the inside. I didn't get a chance to say what I needed to say because there was some information that I wasn't privy to that came out in the conversation. After lunch as Bill, Logan & I were walking back to the car, I asked him. "Why are you meeting your mom at 9 tomorrow morning?" He slowly & quietly replied, "Because she's buying us new tires for the car".

This started another huge argument between us. I was angry for so many reasons. I was left out of communication, this wasn't a decision we made together & on top of it, gifts from Grandma L have strings attached. There was a time where we were given "gifts" that I didn't know about & she ended up throwing it in my face & rubbing it in. Small gifts, especially for Logan were fine with me, but not hundreds of dollars for our car. This was something that as independent adults & parents, we needed to take care of.

Bill dropped us off at home & drove back to work. I immediately called Grandma L. "I just found out that you are buying tires for our car. Thank you for your kindness & generosity, but we can't accept this gift". After explaining a little more & thanking her again, I sent a text message to Bill letting him know that I declined the offer. Not more than 5 minutes later, he sent a text back. When can we all meet to hash everything out.

A few hours later, Bill came home from work & we talked. He apologized for his actions & lack of communication in this situation. He told me some of the things that were said by his family (mainly Aunt Ju-Ju calling me names & Bill hanging up on her) after I declined the gift. We talked about what we were going to say in The Conversation with his mom. This was The Conversation that needed to be had for a long time coming. This was The Conversation that he (We) were supposed to have so many months ago. We were both on the same page & I had his full support. FINALLY.

An hour or so later, Grandma L came over. The three of us sat at the kitchen table. The same kitchen table where this whole feud began. I started, "I just wanted to get something off my chest. I'm holding up my end of the bargain, because in our conversation last Halloween, everyone wanted to know what my contribution to the issue was. I said that I don't let everyone know how I feel until I blow up & it turns into a huge mess". She nodded her head. "So, all I have to say is that pretending like there isn't a problem doesn't make it go away".

She agreed (which rubbed me the wrong way, because then why was she doing it!). Bill stated that his lack of communication with the whole family only made the conflict worse. There were things he should have told her & things he should have told me. He talked about how he's been working on this. He also said that he's not going to listen to anyone in the family who calls me names or says anything behind our backs. This was the support from him that I so desperately needed.

Grandma L asked me why I didn't say anything in the beginning. "Because I was making excuses about how you were just an excited first time Grandma. After our vacation together & your very rude comments to me, I realized that wasn't the case", I stated. She then asked what she said (she knows darn well what she said). There were many comments & I started with, "When I stepped on to the scale & said that I was at my pre-pregnancy weight, you muttered under your breath 'Are you sure the scale isn't broken'. That was very rude & very mean". She then said she never remembered saying something like that. "It's not in my nature to say these things", she said trying to insinuate that I was making all of this up. "It's not in your nature?! It's in your nature to call me vile names at my kitchen table. It's in your nature to cut me out of my family & attempt to divide our home. It's in your nature to tell me I'm not smart enough to be a Doctor!" I called her out on all of her antics & she knew she had been busted. "What you have done to our family was very hurtful & destructive. We're not going to live in denial & pretend that you never did this to us".

Then the conversation turned towards the resolution. She asked what it was going to take. "You know, at this point, all I need to do is let you know how I feel", I said. "I would like an apology for what you've done. I know I'm not going to get it & that's fine. But it would really move things along if you recognized that your actions were wrong & apologized". She then gave the lamest, most insincere apology. It was just quick blurt that was incredibly forced. It caught me off guard, because even though I wanted a (sincere) apology, I didn't think I would get one. And I never thought it would be as pathetic as the one she gave. In my head I told myself to just accept it & move on because I'm not going to get anything better from her. So I did.

I felt good knowing that I let her know exactly how I felt with Bill there by my side. It was a huge relief & a weight unlike any other that had been lifted from my shoulders. She knows she can't pull anymore stunts like this because I won't take it & Bill will support our family in that. I told her that it would take a very long time to rebuild trust & that things like babysitting Logan won't happen until that trust is restored, but I would make a concerted effort in letting go of my anger & fully involve myself & our family in restoring a relationship with her & the rest of the in-laws.

Bill then proceeded to make the suggestion that we start talking again, either on three-way with him or by email, reminding us that we used to do that during the pregnancy. This made me cringe, but I agreed that email & three-way were slow enough starts for me to being talking again. The Conversation was over. We said our peace & we were able to move forward from that point on.

The next day it was like the last 2 years never happened & I was OK with it. There wasn't any leftover hatred or anger towards her. There really was a truce. She wanted to take us shopping for Logan & she went on the biggest spending spree, making up for all of the Grandma spoiling that she missed out on, I'm sure. He seriously has a completely new wardrobe & a new basketball hoop (that he totally loves). We met up for a barbecue at Aunt Ju-Ju's (while on the drive there, Bill informed me that she & Grandma L had their own conversation & there's a truce on her end as well) & for the first time in ages, we were just a family again.

Sunday, Bill had to work, so Logan & I stayed home. Later in the afternoon, Grandma L called me saying that she had the sewing machine out & wondered if we had anything that we wanted her to sew. Again, I was caught off guard & thanked her, but we didn't have anything. A few hours later she & Aunt Ju-Ju came over. They had been shopping & picked up a bunch of shirts for me. I was surprised. Things were the same way this morning when we all went out for breakfast. Everyone was making an effort, a real sincere effort, to get back to normal again.

After many months of stress, anxiety, pain, the very heavy feelings...it's over. It feels strange to have had those feelings for so long & then not feel anything else but relief. It's freeing. I've also really learned what forgiveness means to me. It's not dismissing the past for other people, but figuring out what it takes to get myself to move forward. Forgiveness is having the strength to say what I need to say & as long as I'm doing that, it doesn't matter what anyone else has done or will do.

I've thought about how this whole situation was so similar to a physical wound. It was like I had been stabbed or shot & had a gaping hole that needed major surgery to heal. I never had the surgery & was left with an open sore. Each visit that went by without a resolution or even a conversation, it was like handfuls of salt were being rubbed into that open sore. After counseling & this final conversation, the surgery has been done & the stitches are in. It's going to take some time to completely heal & I'll be careful for a while, making sure I won't get hurt again. Eventually, I will have recovered & I'll be left with an impressive scar. I will never be able to fully forget what has happened, but it won't consume my life & energy.

The workout that didn't work out
This morning Logan & I got up early to make it to a Strollerfit class. It was an activity on the schedule that I thought would be fun & something different that we could do together. Whoa, was I wrong.

We got there & Logan was pretty good & curious about the surroundings of other moms & kids in strollers. While 3 trainers swarmed around me with paperwork, resistance bands & ball, he was still fine. I felt a little taken aback & claustrophobic with them in my personal space all talking a once, but whatever.

We were going to start with a warm-up on the side walk with the kids lined up in their strollers facing us. The lead trainer had on a headset just like in the aerobics class in the gym (that I don't go to) & was accompanied by some cheesy techno music. This is where Logan lost it.

It started with him fake crying, while I told him it was OK as I was marching in place. Then it progressed into real crying, while I ran over to him, riffling through the diaper bag for his crackers. Then he moved to the full-on-out-hysterical-fit, while I was doing jumping jacks, then running back to him trying to find a toy in the stroller basket. At this point, one of the assisting trainers came by with bubbles to distract him. That worked for 2 seconds. Then we sang songs to him (little teapot, Jack & Jill, etc) while we stretched our calves & Logan was turning blotchy red. I ran back over & got him out of his stroller. He hated that & cried even harder. I picked him up & held him while we continued to stretch. He didn't like that either. I asked him if he wanted a piggy back ride & he started gagging & coughing from crying so hard.

Finally, I just walked him over to the car & sat him in the front seat (thinking that would be entertaining for him, but it wasn't). I was hoping this would be a place for him to quiet down, but it was just another place for him to continue his meltdown. At this point, the rest of the group had run off doing the rest of the workout. I just gathered our things & left. As soon as we pulled out, Logan was happy again.

I guess I'll stick to my workouts in the gym & continue with Logan playing in the child care. That's OK, because I like the gym & what I do there & realized how much I don't like group aerobics classes.

A few funny things
Here are a few funny things to lighten the mood, because we're going to get hit with another round of drama this weekend. This afternoon Bill "reminds" me that his mom will be here this weekend. Now, I knew she was coming out sometime, I just didn't think it would be now. On a happier note, Bill did get a hold of the top HR guy at The Gym (the highest on the food chain guy) & he will be in Denver tomorrow where he will (hopefully) be having some serious conversations with some people (& including other "higher-up's" in the details). I think we're still going to have to hire an attorney regardless, but at least we're getting somewhere (I think).

On to the hilarity:

• We've taught Logan how to flex his biceps. It's the funniest thing in the entire world. He even grunts when he does it. We tell him to show us "strong baby" & he flexes (which actually looks like he's just clenching his fists & gritting his teeth) with a grunt. My goal is to get this on video this week.
• He's been crawling round on the living room carpet with his head on the floor. I don't know why he's doing this, but I'm afraid he's going to get a carpet burn on his forehead.
• He's been yelling "DA!", "DA!" at the top of his lungs all the time. We now realize that he's yelling at Buddha. Obviously, I yell at Buddha too much (get out of the kitchen, stop barking, stop eating Logan's crackers). The only funny thing about this is that this is how Logan talks to everyone; kids in playgroup, when playing at the park or whatever. It seems to be the only "word" he knows right now.
• He knows how to blow his nose in a tissue & thinks it's even fun. Hurray for not having to chase him around the house & tackle him with the nasal aspirator!
• He's been grabbing "down there" a lot after diaper changes & bath. We've decided to teach him the anatomical name. He says "iss". I told Bill this last night & I thought he was going to fall over & die laughing.
• He's becoming a performing monkey when it comes to sign language. I'm going to get this on video too. It totally reminds me of Buddha. When Buddha is asked to "sit" he sits, lays down & barks (all of the tricks he knows) waiting for his treat. Logan signs every sign he knows when he wants something. "More", "eat", "drink", help", 'bath". This doesn't make it easy to figure out what he wants or needs, but it's kind of funny.

Wow, I have a lot of video homework to do. I've been itching to do another montage too. It's time I get crackin' & get some more pictures of Logan. He's growing like a weed & doing a lot of cute things. And, for anyone that cares, I've changed the PhotoBucket account to private/password protected (family will be getting emails about this soon). Drop me a line if you want the "secret word".

H0w about some good news for a change
We can breath a little easier knowing that we can pay next months rent because our appliances sold last night. For some reason, I thought this would be a difficult endeavor with many negotiations. Thankfully, that wasn't the case.

The ad went up on Thursday in our small town & then on Friday in the Big City. We had a lot of offers, some of them laughable. Over the weekend a few people came by to check them out. For some, it was a race to drive from the city (an hour & a half) to be the first one to make a solid offer. There were a lot of phone calls, emails & constant communication keeping everyone updated on what was going on. There were quite a few people making all day trips to get up here & we didn't want anyone to make that trip for nothing.

Some of the people we met were characters, to say the least. There was the grandparent couple who were incredibly conceited, as well as the young family who were just like them only a few decades or so younger. After meeting these people, I let Bill handle the one-on-one negotiations & I took care of emails & phone calls. By the end of last night, they were sold to a nicer couple who were moving into their house at the end of the month. They left a deposit & signed a Bill of Sale so we would hold them until next weekend when they could come by again (making another trip from The City) to haul them off.

This is a bit of much needed relief. Bill still continues to look for a second or completely different job, while I found an ad where someone was looking for a stay-at-home mom with a toddler to look after her 3 year old two times a week. It sounded like a good fit, so I emailed my info & now wait to hear back. We're still trying to get in touch with HR of The Gym before we contact am attorney, which we'll hire at the end of the week if we can't find a a different resolution.

Missing MOMS Club Member

This is such a heartbreaking story. I can't imagine what her family is going though right now, especially her little one who is still nursing. The Colorado chapters are pulling together to do anything they can to help find Paige. MOMS Club International is asking us to send out this flier. Rather than post a handful around town, I figured other moms across the Nation who read our family blog could help too. Please keep Paige & her family in your thoughts & prayers.

Finding solutions
Now that I've boo-hood & freaked out about having to sue two (if not three) corporate companies & all of the money that will entail, we're in go-with-the-flow-mode. Bill is making arrangements with various companies to see how we can temporarily adjust our bills (car payments, etc). We also have our stainless steel appliances (check out the Craigslist link!) that we moved from our other house & put them up for sale. These solutions should tide us over for a little bit, giving Bill time to find a second or completely different job & giving me some time to find something to do without putting Logan in daycare (either training at the same gym Bill works in or possibly even stopping by Starbucks to pick up the early morning shifts...my sisters will laugh at this).

Since this whole crapfest unfolded, Bill has been doing exceptionally well at work in sales. He's expecting a pretty good commission payout (despite the fact that it will be 25% less). He's attributing it to The Secret (I'll have to elaborate on this sometime later). I'm not very excited with this, but he's even sent resumes out to different gyms across the nation. I know we might have to do it, but I don't want to leave my mom friends or Logan's little buddies either.

Somehow, this will all work out.

Celebrating Independence Day
Yesterday was Logan's first real Independence Day celebration. The day started out drab with left over drama from the day before, but after a 2 hour family nap, we were feeling a little more chipper. We had plans to meet one of Bill's co-workers & his wife at the park for a pot-luck & fireworks. We were going to make the appetizer, but our schedules got wacky & we ended up bringing drinks (coke's for everyone, Logan even had a few sips for the first time).

The park was fun, with Logan running around like a wild kid. I took his shoes off so he could run barefoot. The grass at the park was greener & softer than our grass at home & it felt great to be barefoot. We sat around on blankets talking & joking around, Logan running off so far that I would have to jump up & run after him. He was quite a pill & screamed & cried when I held his hand, walking him back to our "place". I swear, it was one of those situations where I thought to myself, people must be wondering if this is an abduction.

It rained lightly off & on while we were there playing frisbee, making us pack up & run for cover a few times. There were other people playing frisbee next to us & not paying attention, which ultimately led to Logan getting pelted in the arm. It left a nasty mark & he was so upset. They were nice about it & felt really bad, offering apologies & bubbles to make him smile. We gave him Bill's sunglasses to wear & he forgot all about being hurt, walking around with a huge goofy smile.

We ate our dinner (pasta salad, chicken, chips & brownies) while random people from various churches walked around handing out glow sticks & bottles of bubbles for the kids to play with. I thought this was pretty interesting (religious marketing & advertising). Logan loved his glow stick though, waving it around & at the end of the night, putting it up his nose.

We waited for what seemed like eternity for the firework display to start, but when it did, it was great. There was music that Logan danced to, making everyone laugh. He sat & cuddled with Bill & they watched the colors dance around in the night sky. That was the best part for me. I couldn't have cared less about the fireworks after seeing the look on Logan's face. His mouth agape, eyes as big as saucers. Just the look of wonder & amazement on his face was priceless. I loved it.

We got home after 10:30pm, with Logan falling asleep in the car. He was able to stay awake the whole time at the park, but once in his car seat, he was out like a light. We had a great time together & we all slept really well. I wish we would've taken some pictures (we even had the camera), but it didn't cross our minds in the midst of our fun.

Kick em' while their down
This should be a segment in Micheal Moore's new movie, Sicko. It's been no secret over here that we've had a terrible time with insurance coverage. It hasn't been because of any previous condition that nobody wants to insure. No, it's because nobody can get their paperwork straight. It's all administrative BS that we have no control over.

We've met with the insurance company's attorney, sent in all of our evidence of payments & we heard nothing back. We figured that everything was resolved, we proved our case, it was a done deal. WE WERE WRONG.

Yesterday afternoon, Bill calls me from work saying that he just found out that his wages are being garnished by 25%. I just about had a heart attack. If we don't get this straightened out before the end of next month, we won't be able to pay our rent. We are in major crisis mode over here, trying to figure out the quickest solution possible.

This makes me want to kick, scream, cry, have a massive melt down & basically just lose it. We have EVIDENCE that we have paid not only monthly premiums, but all of our co-payments as well. They are saying we don't have coverage because they don't have a copy of Logan's birth certificate. THE ONE WE'VE SENT IN THREE DIFFERENT TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now they're STEALING money from us. MONEY THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE!

Bill is calling higher up on the HR ladder of The (stupid) Gym. We're also calling to set up consultations with our own attorney. I am going to sue the freaking pants off all of these people if we can't pay our rent next month! Screw that. I'm going to sue them regardless. If we don't have an immediate solution (like if the lawsuit drags on forever), we're going to have to make arrangements with our landlords on our rent payment (who will probably understand, given the circumstances), Bill is thinking about taking on a second job & the minute I have to transfer the rest of the money in savings to our checking account, I'm out looking for a daycare for Logan & a full time job for me. We're also considering a cross-country move (again) to avoid this last option if we have to.

I think I would be crying a whole lot more than I am now if it weren't for my sore neck muscles from being sick with the flu. It hurts too much to breath let alone cry. And I'm trying really, really, really hard not to swear every two words in this post too. This is just unbelievable.

Now it's my turn
Yesterday started out OK, then turned to crap. Aunt Ju-Ju called Bill to invite us out for breakfast (this in & of itself is a miracle). We met up at their house & walked to the restaurant where we had some good food. After breakfast we walked to a cookie shop & got a few cookies to eat & walked to a water feature with fountains & a place for the kids to play.

Logan had a blast playing in the fountains. He would run around, acting silly, then stand on the the hole in the ground where water would squirt up, waiting to get soaked. He was so, so, so cute that he entertained all of the other families that were there. His antics elicited many laughs, oooos & awes. It was so fun.
After Logan was completely drenched, it was time for him to take a nap. We walked back to Aunt Ju-Ju's house & got ready to go home. He fell asleep in the stroller on the way there & he promptly passed out when he was in the car. He slept for a very long time when we got home.

While back at home, I wasn't feeling too well. I was slightly nauseous. I just thought it was the heat & hoped that I wasn't getting sick. Right around dinner time, I had the flu. Bill took care of Logan while I camped out in the bathroom.

The whole time I was sick, the only thing I could think of was how I couldn't do this again for 9 months. The ticking of the biological clock was smashed by the reality of what I would have to go through with another pregnancy. It made me cry. After I was finished being sick, I came downstairs & asked Bill to send in the information the insurance company was asking for (yes, we're STILL having administrative problems with insurance & this is a NEW company). I told him that I was going to go in to see the OBGYN & get a prescription for the pill (which I haven't been on in years).

"I thought you didn't want to do that", asked Bill. "I don't", I cried. "But I can't do this again. I only have the flu right now. It gets better after a few days. I don't think I could handle doing this for 9 months again". He rubbed my back saying that I didn't have to worry about it right now.

This happens every time I get sick with the flu. While I'm not sick, I think about having another baby. I think about Logan being a big brother & how this time around, I would really enjoy the newborn stage knowing how to deal with Bill's family. But then, I get sick. While I'm losing my breakfast, the feelings I had during Logan's pregnancy come back from the corners of my brain, reminding me that this is how I felt every single day for months & months & months. I lived on the couch. I couldn't function like a normal pregnant mom.

I don't think this would be fair to Logan. He would miss out on playgroups & daily activity while I'm hostage to the illness of HG. I wouldn't be a good mom. I wouldn't even be a mom. I couldn't take care of him at all! This sucks. Why do I get my hopes up with my brain clouded from the truth of what life would be like pregnant again. Why does it take the flu to smack me back into reality?