Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Testing with an audience
Last night while I was sitting with Logan as he was finishing his dinner, Bill was on the computer & I asked him a question. "Not to freak you out or anything, but if I were late, how many days would you want to wait until we got a test?" "How late are you? I would wait five or six days," he replied. "I'm only two, but I'm not usually late. I don't feel pregnant, but we'll see what happens in the next few days". Then we went about our business like we usually do.

I couldn't sleep last night, constantly wondering "what if". I got up this morning, took Bill to work & then headed off to playgroup. When we got there, one of the moms asked if anyone wanted a drink. "Coffee, tea, juice?" she asked me. "Oh, I know you want some coffee." "Um, I'll have to pass today. Thanks, though," I said. "Wait. Are you pregnant?! You never skip out on coffee!" she gasped. "I don't know. I'm three days late. I'm trying to keep it on the down low until I know for sure," I told her. She then screamed across the room. "Hey! [another moms name]! Do you have a test at home?" Everyone stopped their conversations & turned to us. "No," she said. "Why? Is somebody pregnant?" "Kristin might be!" she smiled excitedly. Then, my massage friend said that she had one & would go get it as she only lived a short distance from playgroup.

The whole time she was gone I was literally shaking. I was so, so nervous. I told everyone that I might just burst out into tears during the test because I was so nervous. They were all very supportive & told me to cry away. It was OK. My massage friend came back with the test & I went straight into the bathroom. The minute I closed the door, my heart was racing & my eyes were filled with tears. I took a deep breath to get rid of the lump in my throat & ended up crying on the counter. While the thought of having another baby has been going through my mind for what seems like forever, I am scared to death of being pregnant again. I am terrified of being sick with HG.

I did the test & watched the results show up. One pink line. Not pregnant.

I was filled with a mix of emotions from relief to disappointment. Relief because I get to live like a normal person & not in the bathroom starving to death, but disappointment because this is the age I would want Logan & his sibling to be spaced. While Bill has a much better job, I'll be able to get on his insurance plan in January (& I'm sure I'll have to wait 3 months before filing any claims). I also don't want to be pregnant in this house or move while pregnant (did that once before. It sucked). There's just a lot we have to do before we're "ready".

I came out of the bathroom with the negative test, but OK with it. My massage friend said that I could still be pregnant & wait to test again in a few more days if my cycle hasn't started yet. We all watched the test on the kitchen counter for a while & decided that it was clearly negative. Then we all went about our business like we usually did.

And I keep waiting to see what happens....

7 comments:

Kayce said...

Wow. That's like the worst ever scenario to take a pregnancy test. It's good that they were all there to support you, but that's not the kind of thing you really want an audience for. I'm glad you're okay with the results, though. It sounds like you really want another, but the timing is just a little off. I'm crossing my fingers that things work out when you're ready.

Alissa said...

Oh, my. You are brave--I'd have left!

I hope the eventual outcome is just what you want it to be.

debra said...

Whoa. I'm glad your friends are so supportive but I'm not sure I could have appreciated it in that moment. I would have much preferred to be alone for the initial result.

I'm sure things are unfolding just as they should for your family. Logan will be such a great big brother -- whenever the time comes!

Liz said...

I know that feeling so well, relief and disappointment.
Here's hoping it all works out the way you want it...

Dawn B said...

WOW!!!! I have to tell you, I JUST went through this. Allbeit I just had another baby and that plays tricks on the body..but my period (coming regular 3 months straight months now since having Natalie) was 2!!!! weeks late this month. Girl, if I could get my 50 bucks back for how many tests I took I'd be happy. LOL
It's odd that everyone was all "up in your grill" about it though..
I'm so glad to hear that you're cool with the results. I was too... LMAO Mirena here I come.....

erica said...

I don't want to freak you out, but I tested negative twice when I was pregnant with Kira - and I'd skipped 2 cycles. Finally had to have a blood test to make sure...

But really hoping everything goes the right way for you!!! :D

Tonia said...

I think it is so great that you are so close with your mom friends! I wish I had a group of friends like that here. I, too, know that range of emotions that comes with that, but mine was the opposite. With a positive test I felt excitment and scared and we're not ready. But I think things always turn out for the best.