Testing with an audience
Last night while I was sitting with Logan as he was finishing his dinner, Bill was on the computer & I asked him a question. "Not to freak you out or anything, but if I were late, how many days would you want to wait until we got a test?" "How late are you? I would wait five or six days," he replied. "I'm only two, but I'm not usually late. I don't feel pregnant, but we'll see what happens in the next few days". Then we went about our business like we usually do.

I couldn't sleep last night, constantly wondering "what if". I got up this morning, took Bill to work & then headed off to playgroup. When we got there, one of the moms asked if anyone wanted a drink. "Coffee, tea, juice?" she asked me. "Oh, I know you want some coffee." "Um, I'll have to pass today. Thanks, though," I said. "Wait. Are you pregnant?! You never skip out on coffee!" she gasped. "I don't know. I'm three days late. I'm trying to keep it on the down low until I know for sure," I told her. She then screamed across the room. "Hey! [another moms name]! Do you have a test at home?" Everyone stopped their conversations & turned to us. "No," she said. "Why? Is somebody pregnant?" "Kristin might be!" she smiled excitedly. Then, my massage friend said that she had one & would go get it as she only lived a short distance from playgroup.

The whole time she was gone I was literally shaking. I was so, so nervous. I told everyone that I might just burst out into tears during the test because I was so nervous. They were all very supportive & told me to cry away. It was OK. My massage friend came back with the test & I went straight into the bathroom. The minute I closed the door, my heart was racing & my eyes were filled with tears. I took a deep breath to get rid of the lump in my throat & ended up crying on the counter. While the thought of having another baby has been going through my mind for what seems like forever, I am scared to death of being pregnant again. I am terrified of being sick with HG.

I did the test & watched the results show up. One pink line. Not pregnant.

I was filled with a mix of emotions from relief to disappointment. Relief because I get to live like a normal person & not in the bathroom starving to death, but disappointment because this is the age I would want Logan & his sibling to be spaced. While Bill has a much better job, I'll be able to get on his insurance plan in January (& I'm sure I'll have to wait 3 months before filing any claims). I also don't want to be pregnant in this house or move while pregnant (did that once before. It sucked). There's just a lot we have to do before we're "ready".

I came out of the bathroom with the negative test, but OK with it. My massage friend said that I could still be pregnant & wait to test again in a few more days if my cycle hasn't started yet. We all watched the test on the kitchen counter for a while & decided that it was clearly negative. Then we all went about our business like we usually did.

And I keep waiting to see what happens....