Babies don't always bring families closer together
The family visits with the in-laws are over & besides the annoyance about their ignorance towards Logan's food allergies (they even planned on coloring Easter eggs last night knowing that Logan is allergic to eggs), it was a fairly uneventful week. Uneventful but interesting in realizing how I feel around them (mainly Grandma L).
After burying the hatchet, working on "repairing" an almost completely irreparable relationship & realizing that nothing was going to change after the whole Christmas Card fiasco, I totally gave up. It takes two people to make a relationship work & I felt that the efforts for change were so one-sided it was pointless to keep trying because I was only getting slapped in the face. In giving up, there is a continued lack of trust.
Being around someone I don't trust is much like a cat who's been repeatedly kicked. There may be an effort to be nice a few times, but after getting kicked after every effort, I don't want to be in the same room with them. Pregnancy only exacerbates that reaction.
When planning for this baby, I was up with insomnia worrying about what was going to happen with Bill's family when I was in labor & Logan would be staying at a friends house instead of with them (because I don't trust them to take him overnight & even more so after the events of this last visit). I was (am?) concerned about what we may end up dealing with after the baby is born. Since there is no effort for change, I'm worried about baby snatching, holding them hostage & pretty much every experience I had while Logan was a newborn. If nothing is truly resolved, why expect anything different?
So, my guard is up. Way up. We're not talking about a wall being put up, we're talking about a fort behind a moat. I don't want to share anything about the pregnancy. Sharing is a privilege & I don't think it's deserved in this situation. Plus, the momma bear feelings began much sooner this time around, even before we got a positive test & that intense feeling to "protect" my baby & mostly my newborn experience have me withdrawing from any & all interaction with her. While pregnancy & new babies bring most families closer together, it's the complete opposite in ours.
I've already begun thinking about boundaries & Bill has been pretty supportive of them so far. He supports my desire to have Logan stay with one of my friends while we're at the hospital & he's OK with me not wanting any family visits until 2 weeks after the baby is born. In reality, things are going to be different this time, only because I'm not going to let them happen again. I'm just not looking forward to the typical reactions that are going to happen when people don't get their way.