Wow, it's been 5 weeks already!
The advice that new parents hear all of the time is, "Enjoy your time with your children, because they grow up so fast & will be gone before you know it". It's true. Time flies by so quickly I sometimes feel like I've slipped into a black hole or something.

Being a mom is nothing what I expected it to be like. I don't even know what I was really expecting anyway (probably a very quiet baby that never fussed), but it wasn't this. I'm not disappointed by any means, I think I just had an idealized image of what a mom is & does. I didn't think it was this much work & that it took this much energy & patience. I mean, really, I worked out forever to strive for high endurance & to feel like the Energizer Bunny. I'm not sure if it helped. I have to give props to all of the single moms & working moms & especially if they have multiple children. I have no idea where they find the time & the energy to do it all. I am so lucky to be able to stay at home.

I'm a very passionate person when it comes to my careers. My life totally revolves around whatever I'm doing & I'm 100% focused on striving for success. When I was getting ready to go to chiropractic school, all I could think about was the practice I was going to open after I graduated. I had plans to build the ultimate wellness center & become one of the best Doctors in the state. Then life had us take a different route. So then I shrugged my shoulders & put all of my effort into becoming a great personal trainer. I built an amazing business (3 times in 3 different states) & I was the best trainer in the gym & really, one of the best in the company. Now I'm involved in my new career as a mom & I have no clue how to run this "business".

I never had a great example to live by (I just know what NOT to do), so I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. Sometimes I'm not very patient (a HUGE weakness of mine) & I get frustrated. This really is the most difficult job in the world & I've only just started. As a perfectionist, I'm wondering if I'm going in the right direction & doing what I'm supposed to. There isn't a stay at home mom business plan & I've had no formal training to get me ready. It's almost like I'm a brain surgeon who hasn't gone to medical school. Pretty damn scary if you ask me.

I look at Logan in his swing sleeping soundly & wonder if he's happy & if he loves me, or if I've already ruined everything. When he's crying, I have to take a deep breath & hope that I can muster up the sanity to stay calm. It's a little unnerving to think that I'm raising this little person to be a functioning member of society, happy, social, well rounded & hopefully everything that I'm not. I think I'm often in denial about my fears & insecurities.

All I can do is follow my heart & go with my gut. I have to forget about being "the perfect mom" because there is no such thing. I'm only human. I also have to trust that Bill won't let me screw things up. He has been my knight in shinning armor, my back up man & the person who keeps me grounded. I know he won't let me permanently scar Logan for life.