It's story time
A while back, I let the cat out of the bag that our family turmoil with the in-laws sent us into marriage counseling. This, by far, was the best thing to have happened to us in such a crappy situation. I cannot even begin to describe how much better our relationship is now compared to three or four months ago. We've really been working hard & trying our best for our family. It's awesome.

I still want to keep that part of our relationship private & sacred. However, I would like to share some reading that our therapist gave us yesterday. It hits the nail on the head & it really gets at some of the truth of the situation. So sit back, grab a cup of joe & I hope this is useful to anyone else in similar situations.

The book is "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work", by John M. Gottman, PH.D. Pages 189 -193 are "Relations With In-Laws". Establishing a sense of "we-ness" or solidarity, between husband & wife.

Although mother-in-law jokes told by men are a traditional staple of comedy routines, the real family tension is more frequently between the wife and her mother-in-law. Invariably the differences between the two women's opinions, personalities, and life views become evident the more time they spend together. A decision to go out to dinner can create dissension over such minutiae as where to eat, when to eat, what to eat, how much to spend, who gets the check, and so on. Then, of course, there are the deeper issues of values, jobs, where to live, how to live, how to pray, and whom to vote for.

Although such conflicts usually surface quite early in a marriage, in-law difficulties can be triggered or revived at many other times, such as when children are born or pass major milestones in their development, and again as the parents age and become increasingly dependent on the couple.

At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two women for the husband's love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, "Which family are you really in?" Often the mother is asking the same question. The man, for his part, just wishes the two women could get along better. He loves them both and does not want to have to choose. The whole idea is ridiculous to him. After all, he has loyalty to each, and he must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which invariably makes the situation worse.

Solution The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of "we-ness" between husband and wife. So the husband must let this mother know that his wife does indeed come first. His house is his and his wife's house, not his mother's. He is a husband first, then a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother's feelings may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality that her son's family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.

This is not to suggest that a man do anything that he feels demeans and dishonors his parents or goes against his basic values. He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.

The rest of the chapter goes onto give two real life examples of couples living with these dilemmas & the choices they made to create that "we-ness" in their marriage.

I was moved to tears after reading this chapter. This was us! This is what's going on! There's a solution!! Now the hard part is for Bill to have that conversation with his family.