Thursday, January 18, 2007

It's story time
A while back, I let the cat out of the bag that our family turmoil with the in-laws sent us into marriage counseling. This, by far, was the best thing to have happened to us in such a crappy situation. I cannot even begin to describe how much better our relationship is now compared to three or four months ago. We've really been working hard & trying our best for our family. It's awesome.

I still want to keep that part of our relationship private & sacred. However, I would like to share some reading that our therapist gave us yesterday. It hits the nail on the head & it really gets at some of the truth of the situation. So sit back, grab a cup of joe & I hope this is useful to anyone else in similar situations.

The book is "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work", by John M. Gottman, PH.D. Pages 189 -193 are "Relations With In-Laws". Establishing a sense of "we-ness" or solidarity, between husband & wife.
Although mother-in-law jokes told by men are a traditional staple of comedy routines, the real family tension is more frequently between the wife and her mother-in-law. Invariably the differences between the two women's opinions, personalities, and life views become evident the more time they spend together. A decision to go out to dinner can create dissension over such minutiae as where to eat, when to eat, what to eat, how much to spend, who gets the check, and so on. Then, of course, there are the deeper issues of values, jobs, where to live, how to live, how to pray, and whom to vote for.

Although such conflicts usually surface quite early in a marriage, in-law difficulties can be triggered or revived at many other times, such as when children are born or pass major milestones in their development, and again as the parents age and become increasingly dependent on the couple.

At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two women for the husband's love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, "Which family are you really in?" Often the mother is asking the same question. The man, for his part, just wishes the two women could get along better. He loves them both and does not want to have to choose. The whole idea is ridiculous to him. After all, he has loyalty to each, and he must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which invariably makes the situation worse.

Solution The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of "we-ness" between husband and wife. So the husband must let this mother know that his wife does indeed come first. His house is his and his wife's house, not his mother's. He is a husband first, then a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother's feelings may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality that her son's family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.

This is not to suggest that a man do anything that he feels demeans and dishonors his parents or goes against his basic values. He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.

The rest of the chapter goes onto give two real life examples of couples living with these dilemmas & the choices they made to create that "we-ness" in their marriage.

I was moved to tears after reading this chapter. This was us! This is what's going on! There's a solution!! Now the hard part is for Bill to have that conversation with his family.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love John Gottman. He is such a fabulous source of information! We studied his theories in Human Sexuality. Sounds like you have a valuable tool to help you through this stressor. Best of luck! xoxo

liz said...

I think it's really a great and wonderful thing that you've done this together. I really admire your commitment to each other and to your family.
I know that, in particular, the M-i-L situation has been really difficult for all of you.
Sometimes I wonder if The Mistah and I even need an excuse to go back to marriage counseling. Having a child is really such a drastic change in a relationship, in a marriage.
Without sounding preachy or whatever, I'm really proud of the both of you for doing the work.
Go Team Logan!

Anonymous said...

This is such a great book. Best wishes for a calm conversation with the in-laws.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, that you’re getting help with this situation! I wish I had read that book back when my in-laws and myself were at odds with one another. Maybe my resolution would have been smoother and come sooner. My MIL would be totally happy with us coming over to dinner each night and spending every available minute with her (even though my husband has other brothers and sisters). When I didn’t want to do that, she would invite herself over to my house and expect us to drop whatever we were doing and visit with her until she felt like going home. It felt like war. Both of us drew a line in the sand with our opposing soldiers (father-in-law/husband, children, siblings, friends, etc.) behind us. Many of us were wounded but no casualties. I finally told my husband at the next family event that we were to attend at her house that I didn’t want to go. It was ok if he went without me but I didn’t want to go. He went a couple of times and then all by himself, said “It’s no fun without you being there, I don’t want to go without you”. When she came to our house to camp, I would just tell her and my husband that I had some errands to do and left them both there until I thought she had gone home. After a couple times she stopped dropping in.
The good news is that today, we both get along and sometimes even admire each other. I’m glad each of us chose not to carry grudges; no really harsh words were said that couldn’t be forgiven because the company she works for and the company I work part-time for merged, and now we are working together.
As you work through your problems, please keep in mind how strange life can be as time goes on.
Good Luck! Ilene