Calling in reinforcements
It never occurred to me how stressful the holidays could be when you have a baby...& have to deal with the rest of the family. I've lost about five pounds (I'm guessing) because Grandma L sent me a little email (that wasn't completely nice).
A few weeks ago, she had the idea that after calling me names & cutting me off from the family last month or so, that I should be the one to send her an email. I told Bill no way. I want an apology for her tantrum or we're spending Christmas Eve without them. They can come on Christmas Day, but we'll be opening Santa gifts without them.
That apparently got her attention, because she sent this email to me last week. While she did apologize for calling me names, the rest of the email was very passive aggressive & snotty. I could tell she didn't want to send it in the first place.
I wracked my brain about how I was going to respond. I felt like anything I said was going to be offensive to her, because she only wants to hear that things will go her way. I asked Bill for help. "Do what you have to do. I just want it over with". That really didn't help me too much. I felt like I was thrown to the wolves to fend for myself.
So, after sitting on this email for a week (staying up at night thinking about how I could put it nicely that we're going to have boundaries, whether she likes it or not), I decided that I just have to respond honestly. So I did. And she didn't like that too much. Go figure.
It's become very clear how this is affecting our marriage. Which I don't write about very often. But, it's time that we call in reinforcements to help us deal with the shenanigans that are going on so we can be a team & cope a little bit better this holiday season. That gives me some hope.
PS- Thanks for the thoughtful comments. They made me smile. Which I really needed to do.
Our Roots
- Kristin
- Colorado
- I married my soul mate 10 years ago. We got married very young & we are very thankful that we did despite what other opinions may have been. It gave us a chance to grow up together & learn how to ride life's roller coaster ups & downs as a team. We had some good friends & adventures in Vegas when we started out. Then we hit a fork in the road & moved to Portland, OR so I could go to school & pursue a career in chiropractic. That's where we learned that sometimes life has plans for us other than our "perfectly mapped out" one. Bill got a promotion that moved us out to Colorado, somewhere he's always wanted to live, but a place where my thoughts of chiropractic school would die. Marriage is all about compromise, so we made the move to bigger & better things. As we continued to be successful at work, it felt like there was something missing. That's when I started to think about having a baby. As a stay at home mom to Logan, life was everything we wanted it to be. Then we were crazy enough to do it again & soon added Carter to the family. This is our adventure raising two boys in the Rocky Mountains.
Branches
7 comments:
I'm sorry things have been difficult for you :( and I hope things work out the way you want them to! And just remember, whenever you're having a rough time.. just look at Logan. You can't help but smile when you've got someone that cute looking back at you!
You guys are smart to realize that you need some help getting all this sorted out instead of just growing resentful. Family can be so difficult. We're having a bit of our own drama (what IS it with MILs?), but nothing like you're experiencing.
Wishing you PEACE this Holiday Season!
You do what you gotta do. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but perhaps a fresh perspective will be just what you need to get everything all squared away. I'll be thinking of you.
Now, go eat a sandwich, please. Or at least a banana.
Ugh. I can't imagine having to deal with that crap. What did the email say, if you don't mind me being nosy? I don't have any advice for you, I guess just try to be happy and focus on Logan.
This was her email...
With Christmas drawing near, I feel we need to work on our "issues". As a mother, grandmother, and wife, I want Christmas to be a happy and relaxed time for everyone. With the tension that is between us, I don't see how that will be possible unless we start opening the lines of communication between us.
As I have said before, I think you are an amazing mother to Logan. I know in your mind, you are doing what you feel is right to protect him. However, I find it difficult to not cross "boundaries" that I have not been informed of. I know you feel these "boundaries" had been explained to me, but they had not. I would never knowingly do things that were not acceptable to either you or Bill. I love Logan with all my heart and want him to be happy and healthy.
I felt hurt and attacked when you produced your "list" of things that I had done wrong - some going all the way back to your wedding. One of the basic ground rules of fighting fairly according to Dr. Phil and others is to stick to the current issue. What is in the past needs to stay in the past unless it it relavent to the current issue. Why did you wait almost 9 years to discuss these issues? Did it have any connection to what was happening? I know you said the list was the "layers" of your anger. Then why not talk about them as they happen? No one should be angry with someone else for that long and not say anything about it. I was under the false belief that you and I had a working relationship as a mother/daughter. Evidentally, you didn't feel that way.
I do apologize for calling you a bitch. It was disrespectful of me to say that. Again, I was hurt and angry. So where do we go from here? The ball is in your court. You decide on the next move.
Good for you for calling in the reinforcements.
Your MIL's email seems fairly straightforward albeit slightly passive aggressive, as you say. I think that if you didn't have all the hurt and anger built up over time then it would seem easier to 'solve.'
I totally understand your need to set boundaries and have your parenting respected--I have these issues with my in laws, too.
Perhaps having a neutral third party will help you guys work through this difficult time.
I admire your ability to recognize and act on this realization.
I think we could all do with a bit of 'tuning up.'
aThanks for sharing that. Since I obviously don't know your mil, I don't know how to read the email. One thing is obvious, and that is her love for Logan. I can also see that she really cares for you, too. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and you'll be able to be more open with each other now. But honestly, I really don't know! I'm just trying to be supportive. :)
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