A change of perception
This weekend was another good life lesson. It was a lesson in forgiveness. It was a lesson on the concept of perception. It was a lesson on second chances.

This morning my Dad & D came over to play with Logan & take more pictures. We grabbed a cup of coffee & went out to lunch. We talked a little bit about the differences of little boys & girls, because Logan is such a busy body & I guess my sisters & I weren't nearly as "spastic". Dad was saying that that's the way boys are. They're just wired that way. It was small talk throughout the day as we went to the city Museum & checked out some historical artifacts. There was a local Native American festival going on at the same time, so of course I had to get an elephant ear.

We took Logan to the park to swing on the swings. He loves it. He kicks his legs & flaps his arms with the biggest smile on his face. It's the best feeling in the world when he giggles with glee with every push. I love it.
They wanted to buy Logan some shoes, so we went to a second hand boutique that Bill & I just love. They have the best clothes. They bought Logan four pairs of shoes & loaded him up on some jackets & pants. It was a nice shopping spree.

The whole weekend my Dad was trying so hard. He really wants to be there for us & be the best Grandpa he can be for Logan. It was very evident. I never gave him the 3rd degree, because I really didn't know what to say. Or really, how to say it. I didn't think it would be fair to put him under a spot light after 10 or so years of not having a relationship. I decided it would be best to just enjoy our time together & let him have some good quality fun with Logan.

I never let the wall down though. After all of these years, it's difficult to just flip a switch & let it all out. We were pleasant & there weren't very many emotional moments. However, the information I gained was valuable.

I have new perception on the concept of perception & my past. Knowing (sort of) what my Dad & his siblings went though as kids helped me to understand the choices that he made. It doesn't make them right, but I understand. I know that what happened to my sisters & me wasn't because we were bad kids or burdens. My Dad never intentionally did things to torture us. It happened because he had problems & he didn't know how to cope. Drugs & alcohol were his way of dealing with his issues. It effected his children, but that's what addiction is. It takes over your family. Your life. Your happiness. Your purpose.

I have better understanding of why he left again when I was an adult. It really hurt that he wasn't able to make it to our wedding. He explained that he couldn't afford to. I thought about how much of a blow to the ego it must have been to not go to your daughters wedding because of finances. It put everything into perspective.

He has been clean & sober for many years now. He doesn't even smoke. He's made many changes in his life & is trying to pick up the pieces. He's trying to be a different person. I feel better knowing that the past is the past & it won't be repeated. I don't fear that he'll disappear again, leaving Logan without a Gramps & leaving me to explain what happened (I do understand that maintaining relationships is difficult for him & it will take effort on my part as well). I feel better understanding that the past wasn't about me, but him.

It's interesting to have a change of perception & to look at someone in different light. I don't know if it was possible because I'm an adult, or because I'm a parent. Either way, I felt like I grew as a person. I've healed a bit & moving forward is much easier. Our next visit will be in November when we fly out to Portland when Baby "M" is born. I think it will be a lot less awkward & a bit more comfortable.