Man, do I love chiropractic.
Logan & I went back for another treatment this morning. This time he was wide awake. The Doctor checked him out & now Logan has the same range of motion on each side of his neck! He's still tender & tight in his mid back, so he'll have to get a few more treatments in the following weeks. He was just a little fussy with the tenderness, but after his adjustment he went right to sleep & has been that way pretty much all afternoon. I'm so glad he's getting taken care of. Bill's mom called me after his first treatment to see how things went. After explaining what was going on, there was dead silence. It was the "I don't approve of him getting adjusted" silence. It's going to be interesting to see what her reaction is after today.

We took a look at my x-rays as well. Knowing what I know, I have some work to do. The Doctor recommended that I come in once a week for about a month. That's a conservative treatment plan. I would've thought 3 times a week for a while based on the x-rays, but whatever. During my adjustment he was talking about how he needed a trainer to help him get set on a routine. What is with all of these people needing trainers when I'm not really thinking about training again? On the way home I thought about checking into getting a business license & some insurance. If I'm going to do this, I have to be legit. I was also thinking about session rates too. It will be nice being my "own boss" instead of working for a corporation. Now I can set my own session rate & not have to get only a percentage of that. This could turn out to be a good thing. We'll see what happens.

This is the first weekend that Bill will have off. It's kind of funny, now that we have the time, we don't know what to do with it. I hope we come up with some fun stuff because I don't want to hang out at home the whole time. I get enough of that as it is. But other than shopping, what do you do with a 2 month old? Maybe I can convince Bill to go hiking or something like that. I guess I have the rest of the afternoon to do some brain storming!

Fitness on the brain, as always.
I have not been the best example that I could be when it comes to fitness. It really bothers me too. What kind of trainer am I if I can't practice what I preach? It's one of my biggest pet peeves with trainers, not being good examples. My nutrition has been great, but it's finding the time & energy to exercise. I used to bark at all of my clients about finding the time. "I find the time to shower & brush my teeth in the morning, it's the same thing. You can find the time to exercise". For the most part this is true, but to a new mom...I must have been on crack if I told any of them this.

Wearing "real" clothes yesterday really bothered me. I still don't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans (at least I can get them over my huge butt & hips now, I just can't get them zipped or buttoned). It's a re-confirmation on what I already know. Weight doesn't mean jack. It's just a dumb number. I'm 3 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'm about 13 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy shape. I can get this done in a month to a month & a half. It's not going to be hard, I just have to do it. Hmmm, sounds familiar (God, I'm turning into my clients!).

Well, so much for "striking while the iron is hot" with the fitness competition. Bill is doing really well though. He's lost between 10 to 15 lbs. His nutrition has been good too, but has slacked on the work outs a bit due to time. Next week he'll be forced to take a 3 hour lunch break, so he's re-committing. I haven't made his "6 pack abs plan" yet either, so I'll have to get that done for the both of us this weekend. Plus, I think I'm going to make a "Super Nanny" schedule for myself. Maybe it will make it easier to get everything that I need done during the day.

I might be taking on a few jobs as well. While we were at the gym yesterday, one of our really good friends came in to workout. He & Bill are talking about starting a side business together. This friend was our mortgage broker when we bought our house & Bill used to be a broker too. So, they might start their own firm. Bill mentioned that I would be the accountant (yuck). It is something I could do while I'm at home, but still, how boring. Then our friend mentioned that his mom was finishing up with some rehab for her knees. He wanted me to start training her so her knees stay in good shape. I have a lot of biomechanical back ground & I was the "rehab specialist" in the gym, so this is easy for me. We might start training on the weekends. I really didn't think I was going to "work" again, but it looks like I might. Maybe training other people will get my butt in gear too. I don't want to be the "out of shape" trainer in there.

It's was a day full of first's.
Today has been a really busy day. It's Bill's birthday, so we all drove to the gym so I could take the car to run some birthday errands. It was our first time going out & about without Bill. I was a little nervous this morning. I don't know why, but I was. It was Logan's first time meeting everyone there at the gym. I thought he was going to freak out with 5 or 6 different people holding him, but it looked like he was enjoying himself. He was also half asleep from the car ride. So maybe that helped. Everyone agrees that he is Bill's "mini-me".

After visiting for a while, Logan & I headed over to the chiropractor. I had been begging Bill to make the appointment for us for quite some time now. This is the Doctor that Bill has gone to many times before & really likes the office. I wasn't too happy with the office that I was going to, so I wanted to check this Doctor out. My adjustment was good & I knew that I was tight & all jacked up from labor & delivery, but I didn't realize how bad it really was. I'm so glad to be going back again. Now I'll be able to get rid of my "Mr. Burns" posture. Logan's first adjustment went really well too. He slept right through it. I had noticed that he favors the right side of his neck & won't turn to the left when we do tummy time. His mid back or shoulders sounded "crunchy" when I would pick him up sometimes. The Doctor confirmed that he had some stuff going on & that he was a little tight. Most babies aren't tight at this age yet, so I'm glad we're getting it taken care of before it gets out of hand & causes some real problems. Hey, maybe he'll sleep a little better too.

After the chiropractic visit, we got Bill his McDonalds birthday cake. He's been getting that cake every year for as long as he can remember. Sometimes it takes an act of God to actually get one. I was prepared to make up some sob story to con my way into getting one this year, but I guess I didn't have to. It was way too easy. We brought it back to they gym so everyone there could eat it, rather than Bill & myself eating the whole thing in two days, because I know that's exactly what would happen. Everyone got a kick out of Bill getting a McDonalds cake. They thought it was hilarious that this grown man gets a cake with Ronald McDonald on it every year.

Overall our day full of first's was good. Logan was on his best behavior while we were out. We encountered some really nice people & also some rude ones. While we were at the post office, I had Logan in his carrier in one arm & a huge box that I was mailing to one of my sisters in the other. Nobody bothered to get the door & just sat there looking at me. Whatever, I got it, but still. I told Bill when he got home from work that I feel like a social retard when I talk to people because my brain isn't really there. I feel like I give off the "frazzled" vibe, especially today. He assured me that I looked like an old pro taking Logan around. That's a relief.

Is it 8 weeks or 2 months? Either way....

It's been another week where he's made it to another milestone. 2 months old! Wow! He's learning about his hands & fingers now. They are always in his mouth if his binki isn't. He's getting better control of his arms, but still ends up hitting himself in the face. I'm a mean mommy because I laugh. I have to admit, it is pretty funny.

He's "talking" a lot more too. Every morning after he eats, we hang out in our pajamas in bed & "talk" to each other. It's so cute. This last weekend when Bill was home, I had just finished changing Logan & he was wide awake. So I take him downstairs into our room & wake Bill up. "I know it's early & you would probably like to sleep in, but this is the time when he's awake & wants to play". So all three of us hung out in bed & cuddled. Bill got to hear Logan really going at it. He was squirming, kicking, waving his arms, big smiles, all while making the most noise that he could. I was really glad that I woke him up so that he could be a part of it. We all had a really good time being a family.

Logan & I got some new pajamas this last weekend. If there's one type of clothing that I love, it's pajamas. The perk for being a stay at home mom is not only hanging out with Logan, but if I really want to, I can be in my PJ's all day long. I often am too. So I got a set of what I call "old man pajamas". It's just a pants set, but they're nice because it makes breast feeding so much easier. We got Logan a couple of new sleeping gowns. I love them because for one, they look way comfortable. They are also nice for middle of the night diaper changes. The two of us got to wear our new pajamas last night. Here's a picture of us at 10:00, Logan wide awake & right before he decides to scream his head off for a half hour because he doesn't want to go to bed. He taking after his dad on that one, the little night owl.

Sheesh, even when I'm a stay at home mom, the weekends go by so fast!
It was a pretty eventful weekend. We did some shopping & got some stuff for Logan, of course. We took the stroller, but this was the first time he was Mr. Fussy Fuss when we were out & about. I had to hold him the whole time we were walking around. He loved it & everyone at the mall did too. I'll have to remember the sling next time we go out. He's such the social butterfly when we're in public. Especially with "grandma types".

I talked to Bill about how I had been feeling the last few days. There is one thing that irritates me to no end about pregnancy & parenthood. It's the fact that everyone sees it as a right for them to be the most opinionated & judgmental person that they can be. Pre-pregnancy, most people don't talk to you or even notice you're there. Now that there's a baby in the picture, it's a comment free for all. Why do people think it's their business?

For the most part, I love the comments & opinions. They're very helpful. What better way to find out about the best baby products & "tricks of the trade"? It's just the judgements make me want to pack my bags & move to a secluded island with a coconut phone. I told Bill that I couldn't believe that my parenting skills were even in question & that I had to prove myself. I told him that I was really angry with myself for not giving me enough credit. For calling myself "crazy" & thinking that post pregnancy hormones ruled all of my gut feelings. It was a good lesson in understanding that the "mommy detector" is real & it works. If my "mommy detector" tells me that something is not quite right, that someone IS IN FACT TRYING TO TAKE OVER, I will listen more carefully. I told him that with these last events, I'm really nervous about the next family visit. We agreed to all have a talk to make sure this gets cleared up in the next few weeks.

Nobody ever said that being a mom was easy. They also never really elaborated either. It's difficult because of physical effort, like sleep deprivation, but we all know that. Really, it's the emotional stuff that nobody prepares you for. You're often warned & scared to death about post partum depression & it ends there in conversation. Your emotions go way beyond that though. Being a parent changes you. You discover new things about yourself & new feelings that you never had. It really is an adjustment. I often think about this time as a "new chapter in my book of life". It is, but it's more comparable to a complete transformation. Much like a caterpillar to a butterfly.

I'm feeling totally shitty because of judgements that were passed upon me & I'm having a hard time not crying all day. So this is going to make me feel better.

Reasons I love being Logan's Mom

1. The incredible feeling of true love that I have everyday.
2. Knowing that I'm doing the best job that I possibly can.
   
3. Dressing Logan up in cute clothes, because Lord knows I won't be able to do it when he's older. I'll be able to teach him about style though so he stays the good looking kid that he is.
4. After feeding him in the morning, getting the biggest smiles he can possibly give me.
5. Trying my hardest not to laugh at those smiles so I can get him changed & back to bed for some more much needed sleep.
6. Often giving in, laughing & smiling back anyway, getting him worked up & loosing out on that sleep.
7. Feeling the close connection between us when I feed him.
8. Warm cuddles together.
9. Talking to him & listening to him trying to "talk" back.
10. Being able to sing all day & Logan getting a kick out of it.
11. Watching him learn how to use his body when we do tummy time.
12. Developing baby "work outs" for him (I think that's pretty cool).
13. Reading to him, knowing that it's going to be a nice bedtime routine when he starts sleeping in his crib in his own room.
14. Looking at how cute he is when he's sleeping peacefully.
15. Looking at how cute he is when he's screaming...even though this is hard.
16. Playing with him & his toys on the floor.
17. Dancing around the house because it's the only thing that will keep him calm at the time.
18. Laughing because he's looking for me when Bill is holding him or feeding him.
19. Laughing & smiling about poop. Really, where else do you get to do this as an adult?
20. Kissing his cheeks, hands & feet.
21. Because life feels so much better now that he's here.

Yeah, that made me feel a lot better.

Hmmm, I have the time & the opportunity to volunteer again.
When I was in high school I did a lot of volunteer work. I've helped build houses with Habitat for Humanity & participated in Christmas in April (or June, we did this many times during the year). I've adopted needy families during the holidays & helped them decorate the christmas tree that we brought along with presents. I've also helped in the kitchen at the local homeless shelter. It felt great to be able to help others when they needed it the most.

After I graduated & got married, "real life" took over. I was consumed with work & didn't have time to clean my house, let alone help others. Years went by before I had another opportunity to volunteer. Last spring one of my clients asked me to come to her 3 rd grade class to teach the kids about muscles & working out. I was pretty excited. This was going to be a lot of fun. I answered questions that they had prepared on sticky notes. I taught them how to stretch & a few exercises they could do at home & what muscles those exercises were working. We all had a blast. The whole class wrote me thank you notes & my client brought them to me at her next session. These are a few of my favorites:

Dear Kristin,
I love the different muscles in our body. The exercises were so fun. Did you have fun with our class? Is my teacher a wimp? Your workout was interesting. Where is your gym? Finally thank you for coming.
Your friend,
Zach

Is my teacher a wimp? Ha, Ha! Yes, she is actually. We still had fun in her sessions though. She would've done better if she followed her nutrition plan & pushed herself in her "homework" workouts.

Dear Kristin,
Thank you from all of the class. I appreciated you coming in. I learned something new about the muscles. You were right in the morning. I was sore. I could barely stand up but after a while I could stand & walk. After dinner, we went on a walk & I did some of the stretches you taught us. Then we went to the basement to have a workout. That was really fun. I hadn't had a workout in so long so that helped the problem.
Thank You,
Shelby

Ok, my intention wasn't to cripple these kids! It's obvious that the childhood obesity trend is out of control & they could really benefit from more physical education.

Dear Kristin,
Thank You for coming to my class. I loved it when I felt like I was going to break in two. Boy, those crunches were hard. After class, wow, was I thirsty. Thank you again for coming to my class. I loved it.
From,
Tesia

This whole note is funny. Break in two? I don't even remember what exercise I gave them that might make her feel like this!

Dear Kristin,
Thank you for coming to our school on your day off. I really liked the workouts you taught us. My favorite was when we acted like we were in a chair. You sure know a lot about muscles. How did you learn so much? I want my mom to take me to the gym. My mom was really amazed that I knew so much about muscles. I said I got it from you.
Love,
Alex

This letter was cool because now the kids are telling their parents that they want to go to the gym & workout (they'll have to wait until they're 12 though).

Dear Kristin,
Thank you for coming to our class to help us stretch & workout. I think it was generous of you to come & waste your time & workout with us. I hope you can come again. I taught my parents your cool stretches. You have a cool job. I think I should workout more.
From,
Alex

Waste my time?! That was funny. I didn't feel like I wasted my time at all. Especially since they were inspired enough to teach their parents about the workouts & thinking that they needed to be more active as well.


It was a ton of fun to be with these kids for the afternoon & it made me miss volunteering. On my early maternity leave I had thought about doing it again, but when push came to shove, I didn't even have the energy to shower let alone help someone else. The day after Logan was born, someone from the TEDDY study (The Environmental Determinants of Diabetes in the Young) came in & asked if they could use Logan's cord blood to test for genes that increase the risk for type 1 diabetes & it would also help them study the disorder to work on a cure. I didn't think much about it at the time. You know, after just giving birth, I wasn't thinking about much period.

We got a letter in the mail from them yesterday. The results from the test indicated that Logan has the higher risk gene for type 1 diabetes. This doesn't mean that he'll develop diabetes, but his chances are increased from 1 in 300 to 3 in 100. About 90% of kids don't develop diabetes, but the study is working on finding out why. So TEDDY sent this letter along with information about type 1 & asked if we would continue to participate. They would like to do physicals, draw blood & review diet records. If he does start to develop diabetes, they will know pretty far in advance & give us the heads up on what to look for at home. The benefit is that treatment can start early.

We also received a letter from the State Department of Psychology at the University of Denver asking if we would participate in studying the growth & development of infants & children. These studies are like mini-play sessions. They are trying to find out how Logan learns new things, when he starts to form memories that he will have for the rest of his life & how emotional experiences & social interactions influence his development.

I thought that these are interesting opportunities, being the health science geek that I am. With TEDDY, we would help the study & also benefit if Logan does end up developing type 1 diabetes. With the University study, it would help them learn new things about child development & it gets us out of the house & Logan interacting with other people & kids. I'm not sure if we are going to participate quite yet though. It is another opportunity to volunteer, however my only concern is making Logan feel like a lab rat.

Logan's Lullaby

The moon is out
The stars shine bright
It's time to go to bed & say good night
Good night, Good night
It's time to go to bed & say good night

The house is still
You're tucked in tight
It's time to close your eyes & say good night
Good night, Good night
It's time to close your eyes & say good night

Your bed is warm
Turned down the light
It's time to kiss your head & say good night
Good night, Good night
It's time to kiss your head & say good night

The pillow soft
Your dreams take flight
It's time to drift away & say good night
Good night, Good night
It's time to drift away & say good night


I had some time to make up this lullaby for Logan while I was pumping the other night. I've been working on the melody on the keyboard, but Logan doesn't have the same appreciation for music composition that I do. He tends to get a little fussy while I'm on there. Or maybe I'm not as good as I think I am & he's just telling me like it is.

What birthday?
When I was a kid, birthdays were like christmas. I counted the days until I would get presents & cake. The birthday cake is one of the only special memories that I have of my mom. She liked to bake & cook & at one time was thinking about starting a catering business. When it was birthday time for all of us girls, she would bake us a cake & decorate it so that you were almost afraid to eat it, it looked so nice. I remember having a unicorn, a 3-D Garfield, bears & whatever else I wanted. It's a birthday tradition that I want to pass down to Logan. Which means that I have a few birthdays to practice my baking & cake decorating skills before he can make a request.

Now that I'm older, birthdays are still something to get excited about, until this year. I almost forgot that today was my birthday until Bill mentioned it on Sunday. Bill's birthday is next week, so our tradition is "Birthday Weekend". The weekend between our birthdays we do something special. In the past we stayed at a nice hotel downtown & partied all weekend. We always go out for sushi & sake (a sacrifice that Bill makes for me because it's my favorite food & he hates sushi). I've always thought that Birthday Weekend was the coolest thing to share.

We've had some pretty wild times. They stopped after my 24 th birthday though. That was too crazy. I've never had alcohol poisoning & passed out until then. Not even when I turned 21 in Vegas. I don't remember much of the night. I remember our friend having a DJ gig at a club that we went to. I remember everyone buying me drinks...12 shots of tequilla & I don't know how many other mixed drinks. I remember waking up in the hotel asking Bill about the night & he wouldn't tell me. "You really don't want to know what happened". After trying to drag it out of him, he told me & I cried for days. I made such a fool of myself & made it a point to apologize to our friends for being such an idiot. They all thought it was pretty funny, but I didn't. Needless to say, I've never had much to drink after that night & Birthday Weekend has been a lot more mellow.

Now with a baby, I don't know what Birthday Weekends will be like. This weekend will be quiet. We don't have a sitter & Bill still has a couple of weekends to work until the new schedule takes effect. Tonight we're going out for sushi, minus the sake. It will be Logan's first time going out for a nice dinner. It will be interesting to see what happens, especially since his fussy time is in the evening. I'm sure he'll be good, otherwise I wouldn't even consider going. I never want to be "that parent" that takes their unruly child to a nice place & ruin the experience for everyone else. So, we'll see what kind of adventure this will be. Happy 26 th to me!

Breast milk is the fertilizer to my growing weed.
Logan is growing at a rapid pace. He had consistently leaky diapers for the last few days, so we bumped him up a size, to size 1. They look so big on him, but no more leaks. Man, up a size already. We decided to introduce the bottle to him this weekend too. I wanted to have a glass of wine with dinner & we didn't want to wait too long to start bottle feeding. I pumped on Saturday night & it didn't work out so well. I only got a 1/2 oz. I was having some letdown issues. So, no wine with dinner that night. After doing a little research on Baby Center, I tried again on Sunday night. It was much better. I got about 4 oz. that time. Not only did I have to be relaxed & comfortable, but to help letdown I had to think about Logan the whole time. Not that I don't think about him all of the time anyway, but it was a little strange. Bill fed him & it went well. No rejection from Logan & Bill made it look really easy. It was cute to see him with Logan like that. I'm really happy that Bill could be the first person to feed him.

These two events made me a little sad though. With Logan going up a size in diapers, it made me realize that he's not going to be little for long. The newborn stage is such a short period of time! However, the bottle feeding was a little more sad. It was a step towards less dependance on me. It will be nice to not worry about getting home at a certain time if we go out for dinner or if I want to sleep in on the weekend, Bill can take over, but I view breast feeding as a special time for us. It's an incredible bonding experience that only the two of us share. Now I'm giving a part of that up.

My big fear is now when family members come over, they'll demand that I pump so they can feed him...the whole time they're there. This goes along the same lines as the "crazy over protective" feeling. When they were here before, I hardly held Logan at all. He was taken hostage & I only got him when it was time for him to eat. I'm afraid that I won't even have that time now. I'm afraid that I'll be totally pushed away, completely out of the picture. I'm imagining a complete take over. I get the feeling of "What do we need you for now"? I know I'm being irrational, but if this does happen, I will have a freak out. I won't hold back on this one like I have in the past. The hard part is, this is the first of many steps towards independence for Logan. I'm going to have to face these feelings time & time again for many years. I don't think it's going to get any easier either.

Holy Crap! It almost IS like we've won the lottery!
Yesterday I was feeling sad for Bill. He works so hard to provide for our family & give us the opportunity for me to stay at home with Logan. He's gone for so long that he misses out on what he's working for. There was a big meeting for the managers yesterday afternoon. They're getting a new comp plan. Usually when the company rolls something like this out, nobody is impressed. Actually, most people are pissed. Working for a big corporation certainly has it's pro's & con's. Well, after yesterday, it's a pro.

Bill came home really excited. "I don't have to work weekends anymore"! They changed how they're getting paid on everything. It's a lot better. The hours during the day are pretty much the same, but he'll take a 3 hour lunch break. Enough time for a good workout & maybe I'll start taking the car so Logan & I can meet him for lunch afterwards. Then they've balanced the time out so managers don't work on the weekend. If they have to cover for someone, they come home early on another day. This is far different than the hostage/slave situation that we're used to. Then Bill told me that the company's goal is to get managers paid $20,000 more this year. Yeah, I almost fell out of bed this morning when he told me that, but I was too tired to be excited until I had my coffee.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Here I was wishing that Bill could have a chance to be with us more, but I felt like there was nothing we could do about it. It was just the way things were going to be. Then he comes home with this...Wow.

Why do little boys think poop is so funny?
Logan is quite happy these days. He smiles all of the time now. He's really happy in the mornings when he wakes up, after he's had his breakfast. I take him upstairs to get him changed & he's all excited looking up at me on the table. In the afternoon when he wakes up from his nap (in the swing, because at this point he hates his crib), he actually wakes up with a smile on his face.

He also has a favorite word. Poop. Yes, he truly is a little boy. He thinks the word is the funniest thing ever. I tell him we're going to change his poopy diaper, he smiles & wiggles all over. I swear, I'm going to buy him the book "Everybody Poops". I never thought I would, but apparently Logan will get a kick out of it. I told Bill about this last night when he got home. We all went upstairs to get Logan ready for bed & I told him what we were doing. I mentioned the word "poop" & he had the biggest grin on his face. Bill just busted up laughing.

Logan also thinks it's pretty funny to play tricks on me. Especially when it comes to poop. After I feed him, I've learned to take a few minutes to let his stomach settle & give him time to digest. Often I wait for 20 minutes or more telling him that "I'm waiting for the burps & the poops to come out". Once I think he's ready, I get him changed. With his clean diaper on, I start to button up the onesie & what does he do? He poops! Of course he's smiling as I get him undressed asking him why he plays tricks on me like that. I also tell him that he better not do this too often because his Dad works hard to pay for diapers & wipes. If he keeps it up, I'm going to put him to work.

Aside from poop, Logan started "talking" yesterday. I've been talking to him all day long ever since we came home from the hospital. Now he's catching on & responding. It's amazing to watch him grow & learn new things. It's really fun to have "baby conversations" with him. I'm hoping that he'll do the same things with Bill this weekend. I get to see Logan grow, teach him new things & just be with him. Bill on the other hand is totally missing out on almost everything because he's a hostage at the gym. It would be nice if he had a 9 to 5, Monday through Friday kind of job. Maybe we'll win the lottery or something like that someday. One can only hope.

So here is an interesting parenting situation.
I know we live in a society of crazy people. Some people say that they aren't even going to have children because they don't want to subject them to the sick & twisted ways of the world. I know when it comes to a mothers stand point, I would do anything to protect & ensure the safety of my child. But where is the line between being educated & cautious & being paranoid, living in fear?

These thoughts were sparked by another mother who had the concern of posting pictures of her children on her blog, "because you never know who may get a hold of them". At first my reaction was, "What's that supposed to mean? Logan is six weeks old! Who's going to do what with his baby pictures"? I am well aware of the dangers of the internet, especially when it comes to contact with other people. However, I thought that it mostly pertained to older kids & teens in chat rooms & profile sites like MySpace. We've all seen the Dateline NBC series where they catch pedophiles contacting kids for less than innocent meetings.

The whole reason I started blogging was because I was at home on early maternity leave without a car in the middle of winter. My brain was starting to rot with the ridiculous daytime TV crap that I was subjected to watching. I was keeping family members hostage on the phone, racking up large phone bills. I was also having a hard time writing in the little leather back journal that we bought shortly after we discovered that I was pregnant. One of Bill's high school friends has a blog about his biking hobby. I thought it was pretty cool & decided to start one for myself. I could be creative, have a place to express myself & a record of my first pregnancy that I could share with my family. I was completely unaware of the fact that other people would want to read it (until my first comment & it came from someone other than my family. I thought it was cool though) & the large group of other blogging moms. It is awesome to be able to connect with other women across the world in our shared experiences of pregnancy & motherhood.

So, this comment haunted me all day. Seriously. During Logan's bath, tummy time, singing various Bob Marley songs. It was starting to bug me that I couldn't focus on having fun & wondering if I was being ignorant & placing my family in danger. Initially I wasn't going to post this as a topic of the day & rather send out a group email to all of the other moms asking them what they thought, because we're all posting baby pictures. Then I realized that I have too much to say about it.

I did some research & found some pretty disturbing stuff. I won't link to what I found, but all you have to do is a Google search on "dangers of posting baby pictures". This really freaked me out. There are weirdos that collect baby pictures. Then I found this article at Blogging Mommies. There is a paragraph about a mom sharing her life experiences & pictures of her twins. This mom soon discovered that someone had been stealing her stories AND pictures of her boys, claiming them as her own. Now not only was I really freaked out, I was totally freaked out. I started thinking about all of the pictures I had posted & the link to the photobucket album that I just put up.

I looked through all of the other moms blogs to see who else had pictures & links to their family photo albums. Everyone does. I must have looked through at least 100 of them, no joke. I didn't want to take our pictures down because that really defeats the purpose of what I'm doing. I enjoy sharing my life with Logan with everyone. I also don't want to be paranoid. This is something that I learned after 9/11 living in Vegas. The entire city relies heavily on tourism. After 9/11, Vegas was a ghost town. Lay offs started happening like crazy. The chiropractic office that I was working in was loosing tons of patients because they were loosing their jobs at casinos & various other places. Thus our (& my) income was decreasing. It was a terrible chain reaction of events. I want to be able to enjoy the technological advances of today without fear. I feel that if I don't, "the terrorists have won", if you will.

After much thought & consideration I decided that we do need some protection without altering my efforts. I noticed that many moms have copyrights. When I first saw this weeks & weeks ago, I thought it was pretty funny. Why would I need to copyright my life about explosive diapers, projectile vomit & 2 am screaming? Well, now I see why. So I've placed a copyright on the blog. Hopefully this is enough protection, because if I ever find that someone stole our pictures of Logan, I will undoubtedly become more crazy than that person & I swear to God, I will devote my life to becoming an internet genius & hunt them down. At least at this point I feel more educated & I'm still comfortable sharing our life. Now I can go back to singing Bob Marley's "Three little birds" with Logan & have fun again.

What is in a name?
Bill & I have one term of endearment for each other. Pookie Bear, or variations of it like Pook & Pookie. Logan has so many nick names that I'm afraid he won't know his real name. I try to be conscious of it & call him by his actual name throughout the day, but these nick names seem to be said more often.

1. Mr. Fussy Fuss
2. Grunty Grunt
3. Grumpy Man, Little Grumpy Man
   
4. Baby, Little Baby
5. Mister, Mister-Mister, Little Mister
6. Little Man
7. Sleeping Bean, Sleepy Bean
8. Wiggle Squirt, Little Squirt
9. Crazy Legs
   
10. Stinker, Little Stinker
11. Booger, Little Booger, Baby Booger
12. Sir Spits Up A Lot
13. Cutie Pie
14. Sweet Heart
15. Sweet Pea

This doesn't include the names I call him behind his back & under my breath when he won't go to bed or when he's crying at 2 am. We'll leave those to the imagination.

Six weeks photo shoot

Looking cute & very awake (at 8:00 this morning)

His cheeks are getting so chubby (& really cute). I love to kiss them.

I love his smiles. They make me laugh every time!

My work out partner tuckered out after a long tummy time session. He's also wearing our usual household attire. Work out clothes & slippers. Bill makes fun of us because sometimes it looks like we're wearing the same outfit.

Today was my 6 week postnatal check up.
This marks the end of the final chapter of my pregnancy. Logan & I have completely healed from the trauma of birth. Now we move forward into experiencing life as a new family with an infant. It's kind of a sad day. This has been one of the most challenging & amazing experiences of my life. I'm in constant awe that we have been able to create another life.

The very beginning started May 8, 2005. Bill had been away for a week at a convention in Hollywood. While he was gone, I read an article on ovulation. I came across this article by chance, as I wasn't researching fertility & family planning at all. We had talked about starting a family for a while & at this time in my life, I felt ready. The article gave me the information to figure out when I would be ovulating. Oddly enough, the night Bill came back was when I would be ready to try & get pregnant. The funny thing about this is, that night was the first night we had ever "tried". We never tried like most couples, counting the days on the calendar, taking temperatures, treating the situation more like a task. It only took that one night for us. Not only did we feel ready, but God or the universe felt we were ready too. This baby was supposed to happen.

I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time, but looking back at how I felt, it was very clear. I had never been so tired & moody in all of my life. I thought that I had hit burn out at work, something that almost everyone had warned me about because of the way I was running my schedule. I was booked from 6 am to 9 pm everyday of the week, then there was a half day on Saturday, totally booked too. I worked out for 2 or 3 hours on those days as well. I had just taken on the position of Assistant Fitness Manager the month before & I thought that the added responsibility was killing me. The thought of napping had always been a nice idea in the back of my head, but I couldn't survive without them that month. I felt something was going on when I would rather take a nap than workout. With the hormone changes, I thought I was going crazy. I really went into a deep depression. I kept telling everyone at the gym, "Either I'm crazy or I'm pregnant. I hope it's the latter". It really was starting to worry me. If I wasn't married to such an understanding relaxed guy like Bill, I'm sure separation or divorce would've been other couples answer to this craziness.

Everyone at the gym kept telling me that I was pregnant. What did they know?! I wasn't even late yet! I was supposed to start menstruating memorial day weekend. Nothing happened Saturday, nothing Sunday, nothing Monday. Now I was late. Something was up. I was never late. Monday night at 10 pm, I turned to Bill & said, "I think we need to go to the store to get a test". So we went out & got a digital EPT test. We came home & I just looked at the box on the coffee table for about 2 hours. I didn't know what to think. I finally decided to take the test at midnight. The directions on the box indicated that it would take 3 to 5 minutes to process the results. By the time I flushed the toilet, the results were in. It took 15 seconds. I was very pregnant. I walked out into the living room shaking like a leaf in the wind. "The test says I'm pregnant", I told Bill with my hands over my mouth. He smiled & held out his arms as I collapsed into them a nervous wreck. He held me as a hurricane of thoughts spun around in my head. Bill kept telling me that everything would be great , we had each other & we would make a good family. It took a little bit of time to calm my fears from my own family & childhood experiences. By far my biggest fear was turning out like my mom. Bill assured me that I wouldn't. Once I had calmed down, we sat there holding one another, just cuddling. We looked at each other & I said, "We are officially adults now. Our lives have changed forever". Boy was that ever true.

The month of June was interesting. My body had been changing with smells, tastes & food cravings. It was very challenging with the beginnings of what I thought was morning sickness. My tastes & cravings started very early in the pregnancy. In the 4 th week I could eat almost everything. I felt like a bottomless pit. I was eating carrots like they were the last food on the face of the earth. That didn't last very long though. It seemed like each week changed from the next. The 5 th week was strange because I was eating cheese & drinking milk when I had been lactose intolerant before. I was also eating more fruit than I ever had in my entire life. In the 6 th week I was eating less. I could barely eat dinner or even drink water. I couldn't eat anything sweet or sugary like cheesecake. I used to love cheesecake & now it tasted like pure sugar & it was just disgusting. The other major change was becoming completely vegetarian. I used to eat meat daily. Turkey sandwiches, chicken breasts at dinner...never a problem. However, just the thought of meat made me sick. Which brings me to the 7 th week, where I couldn't eat anything & "morning sickness" really took over.

"Morning sickness" started early & gradually. I was getting sick before I even knew I was pregnant. I started getting sick in the evenings around 8 pm. After a while of trying to tough it out, I cancelled all of my 8 pm clients. When Bill came to pick me up, I was running out with my hands covering my mouth, gagging & dry heaving on the way home. Thank God it was only a few short minutes. Bill would drop me off at the stairwell & I would sprint up the stairs, run down the hall & into our apartment, throwing the door open & barely making it to the bathroom. It felt like I had the flu for weeks. Soon I was starting to feel sick earlier in the day, starting around 4 pm & I was becoming debilitated by 8 pm. I was throwing up at work in between clients & then throwing up in the morning after breakfast. Soon I was throwing up all of the time. In my 7 th week I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't keep food down for a few days. Even the smallest sip of water made me sick. I was literaly starving & dehydrated. I went to the Doctor to get some medication. When the nurse checked me in & got me on the scale I was very worried. I had lost 5 lbs. in a week or less. When the Doctor came in, he assured me that the weight loss was ok & normal for morning sickness. The baby would be fine. He perscribed a phenegran suppository because I couldn't eat anything. I went home & tried the medication. It was the worst experience of my life. Not only was I nauseous, achy & weak, but now my rear end felt like it ws on fire. I couldn't do it again. The next day I went back & was perscribed Reglan. That worked for only a few short days.

Each week went by & I started canceling out most of my clients during the day. I would work for a few hours in the morning, throw up, go home & sleep, eat, throw up & sleep some more. I stopped working out. Not only did I feel like total crap, but I still continued to loose weight. in my 9 th week I went in for my first prenatal exam. I had been really sick for 2 days prior. On the scale, I lost another 4 lbs. Now it was a total of 10 lbs lost. I'm still really thankful that I was in the best shape of my life before getting pregnant. I don't know what the outcome would've been if I hadn't. At the appointment I asked for a stronger medication. They wouldn't give it to me. They really didn't seem the least bit concerned that I was so sick & loosing so much weight. Part of that appointment was getting an ultrasound of the baby. That was a really exciting moment for us. It made the pregnancy that much more real. It was surreal watching "it" up on the screen bouncing around. I was very surprised that it looked so developed. It looked like a stubby baby. To see it move & be alive was amazing & I was really emotional. If the nurse hadn't been there, I would've cried for a long time. It was really hard to hold back.

During the 11 th week I ended up in the Doctors office to get re-hydrated by IV. Morning sickness took a turn for the worse (like it couldn't get any worse) & I still couldn't keep anything down. The nurse checked me in & got me on the scale again. I was 117 lbs. I had NEVER weighed that little in my adult life. I broke down into tears again. Bill had mentioned that my clothes were hanging off of me & you could see my spine & other bones sticking out. I certainly didn't feel healthy & here I was trying to carry a baby. They started the IV & added phenegran (the medication that didn't work the 1st time) to the second bag. I think I had an allergic reaction to it because I felt like I was in space. Once the bag was empty a nurse came in & asked me some questions. I was slow to answer & my speech was slurred. She said that I was worse than when I came in. They wrapped me up in blankets & wheeled me down to urgent care. My blood pressure dropped down to 80/72. They hooked me up to a third bag & added a different medication, zofran. When the Doctor came in to check on me, I had been there for 5 hours. He told me that I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I thought that was the technical term for morning sickness. I didn't find out that it was an actual pregnancy complication until much later. He mentioned that if they couldn't get me better in the next hour, they would have to admit me to the hospital for a 24 hour watch. Fortunately I got a little bit better.

The following 4 weeks were tough. I went into another deep depression. The new medication was helping, but I still felt gross & I was sick & tired of being on the couch all day long. I would just lay there & cry. It was such a drastic change from the activity level I used to have. I started to feel indirect pressure from upper management at work & Bill started stressing me out about finances & my limitations. Finally I had enough. I had the "screw it" mentality. I would go back to working 10-12 hours a day. If I got sick, oh well. So during the 16 th week I went back full force. I got my schedule booked back up & started working out again. It was tough, but I was in denial about how sick I really was.

I stayed on zofran for the entire pregnancy. It's mostly used as a medication for cancer patients while they are on chemo to help with the nausea. I could honestly say I knew what it felt like to have cancer, minus the pain. I started to get my appetite back & ate whatever I wanted. Because I lost 15 lbs in the first trimester, I really didn't care if all I ate was junk. At least I could eat. Taco Bell was my best friend for a while. I lived on 7 layer burritos. In the 17 th week we went to a reggae concert at Red Rocks (but got rained out). I hung in there ok. I was also getting accupuncture treatments at my chiropractors office to help with everything. During one of my visits that week I swore I felt the baby kick for the first time. I knew in my heart that it was, but I was still a little unsure until it happened again the next day. I told Bill & he was so excited. I had a very active baby because it proceeded to kick me often throughout the day. I felt like it was learning karate & break dancing in there. That proved to be true when the Doctor had to chase the baby around to listen to the heart beat at the next appointment. It felt good to know that it was doing alright after the hell we went through in the last weeks. When I was sick, people would say, "That's a good sign! It means the baby is healthy!" I would always say that "This baby better be an olympic athlete with how sick I am". Now with the kicking all of the time, I was thinking it was an olympic soccer player.

At 20 weeks I had another ultrasound. In this one we were able to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. I had been having dreams of a girl, but Bill was persistent that it was a boy. Bill was right & it was pretty obvious. It was funny that we've had his name picked out for years, even before we started to even think about having a family. Trying to agree on a girls name seemed like mission impossible. I should've known it was a boy. In the following weeks I started to relapse again. I ended up going on an early maternity leave. That really helped. I never got sick again after that (but still continued the medication up until his birth).

The third trimester seemed to drag on forever, but fly by at the same time. We took all of our prenatal classes & did a tour of the hospital. I was starting to get really uncomfortable. I was getting bigger & it was a little difficult to watch myself get fat & there was nothing I could do about it. I was getting terrible heart burn & restless leg syndrome. I had pain in my sternum from getting kicked & stretched. Sometimes I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. Speaking of kicking, since Logan was getting bigger, he packed a little more punch. Litteraly. Sometimes so much that I would gasp & jump. It was pretty funny for Bill to try & feel him move. He would put his hand on my stomach & wait & wait, but nothing ever happened.

Logan's birth will be one of the ultimate highlights of my life. Even though it was nothing like I had planned, I couldn't have asked for a better birthing experience. I was lucky enough to have been able to bond instantly with him. We got the hang of breast feeding right away. All of the pain & suffering I had gone through in the beginning was worth it. Our recovery was really easy. Six weeks later I think back on these last ten months. I will never forget how I felt with HG, but I have already forgotten the pain of contractions & labor. I remember the events, but not the feeling. It seems that the amnesia has set in. I'm thankful that I've been able to record all of these events, otherwise it would have all become a faded memory as I fill my brain with the new experiences of being a first time stay at home mom.

It's time to celebrate! The stump came off this morning!
For a while there I was beginning to think that I would have the only 16 year old that still had his umbilical stump. When we were instructed as to how to care & clean it at the hospital, we were told to use rubbing alcohol at every diaper change. Lift it up, move it around & try to clean underneath. There was to be no real bathing, only sponge baths until it came off.

So I followed the instructions diligently & waited patiently to give him a real bath. We expect to see it come off in 7 to 10 days. Time goes by & all of the other babies that are born shortly after Logan are ALL loosing their stumps. Logan will be six weeks old this week. I start to wonder if something is going on. It looks fine. It's not infected & it doesn't smell funny either. Hmmm. Time for some internet searching.

Well, after some research, I find out that many people have been instructed to do just the opposite of what we were doing. Some Doctors have said to only clean it 3 times a day, max. Some others have said not to even use rubbing alcohol because it may actually preserve the stump (well, I guess that one make sense in our case). Bill talked to the NICU nurse from our hospital during her work out. She thought it was strange that it was still there too. She told us to go ahead & give Logan a real bath & that should help.

So in the last few days I only cleaned the stump 2 or 3 times a day. Then yesterday Logan had his first real bath. He loved it. He usually doesn't smile during the sponge bath. He just has this really serious look on his face. He's quiet, looks cold, but just looks at me. During the real bath he was all smiles. Big ones too. I think it felt a little strange to him because he made a huge mess. There was water all over the bathroom countertops & floor from him flailing his arms & kicking his legs. He's a water baby just like his mom. I can't wait to go swimming with him this summer. It's going to be a blast!

We wake up this morning & I take him upstairs in his room to get changed. I unbutton the onesie & notice some gunk by the snaps. I look down & see his belly button. The stump is gone & it looks like he may have an outie. Finally. I was starting to wonder if I should call the Doctor. Now we don't have to worry about Logan getting teased in the locker room at school because he still has his umbilical stump.

I love you

Author Unknown



I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
Our life together has just begun,
You're part of me my little one.

As mother with child, each day I grew,
My mind was filled with thoughts of you.

I'd daydream of the things we'd share,
Like late night bottles & teddy bears.
Like first steps & skinned knees,
Like bedtime stories & ABC's.

I thought of things you'd want to know,
Like how birds fly & flowers grow.
I thought of lessons I'd need to share,
Like standing tall & playing fair.

Each night I lay you down to sleep,
I gently kiss your head & cheek.
I count your little fingers & toes,
I memorize your eyes & nose.

I linger at your nursery door,
Awed each day I love you more.
Through misty eyes, I dim the light,
I whisper "I Love You" every night.

I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
As mother & child our journey's begun,
My heart's yours forever little one.

I came across this poem when I did a search for scrap booking. Of course it made me cry & it pretty much sums up the last 5 weeks. I guess I'm a sucker for poems.

Well, haven't we been productive in the last couple of days!
Each day is another step towards accomplishments & better organization. The chaos of birth & bringing home a newborn is slowly wearing off. It took almost 6 weeks, but hey, it's happening. We mailed off the birth announcements, various congratulatory birth, Thank You & birthday cards yesterday. The birth announcements were a big deal. Bill designed them at home & made arrangements for a printer he knows to print them out for us. He was doing it for free. Well, you get what you pay for. Bill brought home 50 of the worst quality cards I've ever seen. Our photo printer at home does a better job. So that's what we ended up doing. The size of the card doesn't fit the envelope that I ordered, but oh well. They got mailed.

Having a baby has undoubtedly been helping me to become a better person. Not that I am a horrible person, but nobody is perfect. I've had ample time to reflect on my strengths & weaknesses & realize what I need to work on. These are aspects of my personality that I had accepted & really didn't feel the need to change. I was functioning just fine the way I was. Becoming a parent changes my perspective though. I am going to end up being an example to Logan & it's very true that parents want their children to become better people than they are.

I've already discovered the patience & frustration issue, which I now realize is an example & trait passed down from my mom. That is downright scary, because my mom is psycho. She really had no business being a mom. Becoming like my mother was one of my biggest fears when the pregnancy test came back positive. Fortunately I have the ability to understand & control this so it doesn't happen. Plus, the added bonus is that I'm not psycho. Then there is the trait that has been passed down from my dad.

There is a depression gene & an anti-social gene on that side of the family. I'm fortunate enough to have escaped the depression, but I have the anti-social gene to some extent. It's not as bad as my uncle, who has it to the extreme & has been a hermit for as long as I can remember. There is a lot that I don't know & understand about him because it was never talked about & he rarely came up from the basement in my grandparents house where he lives. He would come out to do the yard work & was kind enough to do the neighbors yards as well. The few times he surfaced while we were there, he played with us though & it was fun. I remember us roughhousing & jumping on the bed in my grandmas bedroom & breaking the bed. We all thought it was pretty funny.

It affected my dad in the way that it is easy for him to disconnect from everything. There's a lot of other stuff going on with him, but it seemed easy for him to abandon his children & the rest of the family. He has come & gone at certain times in my life & it's been 7 years since we've talked. A lot of that has to do with me not wanting to give it another chance though. I did decide to send him an announcement along with a note, so we'll see what becomes of it. This is a huge step for me. Trust & forgiveness are not my strengths (no thanks to many events in my growing up), but I have decided that they need to be for Logan's sake.

So how has my growing up & all of this mental crap affected me? Oddly, not so much. I've never needed extensive therapy or any medication (why, I can't say. Most people in my shoes do). I have always had friends, still keep in touch with the very close ones & I was popular with the kids that I went to church with (because I was a brat & didn't want to hang out with the kids that weren't LDS). I also have an outgoing personality that helped me in my careers. Overall, I consider myself to be a successful, stable, functioning & upstanding member of society. However, it has been easy for me to disconnect from my family & resist really any family relationships with the exception of Bill & Logan. I'm also pretty picky about who I'm friends with (not because of religion anymore though). Honestly, I would be quite content in my own little world with just the 3 of us. But really, how healthy is that. At least I realize this.

Thus in my "growing up" & wanting to be the best example I can be, I'm learning to become more patient, less frustrated, trusting, forgiving & by the time he's ready to go to play groups, I'll be more accepting of others so he'll have a lot of friends to play with. I'm sure he'll have his own issues & demons to deal with, we all do & that's reality. But I hope Logan grows up to be like Bill & myself, only better.

Is this the same child?

5 weeks old

4 weeks old

3 weeks old

2 weeks old

1 week old

3 days old

It's amazing how babies are constantly growing & changing before our eyes. I'm glad that we are typical picture happy parents so we can document his metamorphosis (& prove that this is the same baby that we brought home). It's unbelievable how fast this is happening.

When he was cluster feeding we said, "Hmmm, he must be going through a growth spurt". Yesterday he was "coma child" & slept pretty much all day. It was nice because I got a break & was able to get a lot of things done. I wasted a lot of time & appreciated the day of silence. On the flip side, it was kind of sad. I really missed holding & talking to him. Meanwhile I was saying, "Hmmm, he must be going through a growth spurt". How many growth spurts is this kid going to go through? I laughed at the idea thinking that "growth spurts" were the answer to everything. After reviewing these pictures, I shouldn't laugh. It's a fact.

Thank heaven for baby accessories!
This past weekend we did our usual shopping & ended up walking out with some stuff for Logan (How could we not? The little squirt is too cute to not spoil). We bought him a mobile for the crib & a bouncy seat that's just a hair more portable than the huge swing that's up in the loft.

These have been lifesavers! I have been able to put him down in his seat & put him right next to the shower. I'm back to my 30 + minute showers again! He loves it too. I flip the switch to vibrate & he is instantly quiet, just looking around. This seat also helps to work the gas out of him. Needless to say, he hasn't been that fussy the last couple of days (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).

He really likes his mobile too. I tried putting him to sleep in his crib, which is upstairs & next to the loft. He would usually last 5 or 10 minutes & then cry for me to take him out. I would end up putting him in his swing to nap (which works like a charm). So now after every diaper change, I put him in his crib & turn on the mobile. He is just fascinated. He'll hang out in there for a little while & be entertained. Yes, entertained! By something other than me! This morning I put him in there & hoped that he would fall asleep...miracle of all miracles, he did. On his own. I think I might pass out from excitement. So now I'm going to try & transition him from the bassinet in our room to his crib in his room. I think it will work out pretty well (I hope).

Bill's mom also bought us a Baby Bjorn. We had another carrier that we returned because it just sucked. So she mailed the new carrier to us & we got it tonight. I got him strapped in & tested it out around the house. It's awesome. I love it & Logan does too. He is just so freakin cute with his little arms & legs sticking out. It's funny that I'm so excited about this carrier because now I have no excuses to not do housework (sigh).

Wow, it's been 5 weeks already!
The advice that new parents hear all of the time is, "Enjoy your time with your children, because they grow up so fast & will be gone before you know it". It's true. Time flies by so quickly I sometimes feel like I've slipped into a black hole or something.

Being a mom is nothing what I expected it to be like. I don't even know what I was really expecting anyway (probably a very quiet baby that never fussed), but it wasn't this. I'm not disappointed by any means, I think I just had an idealized image of what a mom is & does. I didn't think it was this much work & that it took this much energy & patience. I mean, really, I worked out forever to strive for high endurance & to feel like the Energizer Bunny. I'm not sure if it helped. I have to give props to all of the single moms & working moms & especially if they have multiple children. I have no idea where they find the time & the energy to do it all. I am so lucky to be able to stay at home.

I'm a very passionate person when it comes to my careers. My life totally revolves around whatever I'm doing & I'm 100% focused on striving for success. When I was getting ready to go to chiropractic school, all I could think about was the practice I was going to open after I graduated. I had plans to build the ultimate wellness center & become one of the best Doctors in the state. Then life had us take a different route. So then I shrugged my shoulders & put all of my effort into becoming a great personal trainer. I built an amazing business (3 times in 3 different states) & I was the best trainer in the gym & really, one of the best in the company. Now I'm involved in my new career as a mom & I have no clue how to run this "business".

I never had a great example to live by (I just know what NOT to do), so I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. Sometimes I'm not very patient (a HUGE weakness of mine) & I get frustrated. This really is the most difficult job in the world & I've only just started. As a perfectionist, I'm wondering if I'm going in the right direction & doing what I'm supposed to. There isn't a stay at home mom business plan & I've had no formal training to get me ready. It's almost like I'm a brain surgeon who hasn't gone to medical school. Pretty damn scary if you ask me.

I look at Logan in his swing sleeping soundly & wonder if he's happy & if he loves me, or if I've already ruined everything. When he's crying, I have to take a deep breath & hope that I can muster up the sanity to stay calm. It's a little unnerving to think that I'm raising this little person to be a functioning member of society, happy, social, well rounded & hopefully everything that I'm not. I think I'm often in denial about my fears & insecurities.

All I can do is follow my heart & go with my gut. I have to forget about being "the perfect mom" because there is no such thing. I'm only human. I also have to trust that Bill won't let me screw things up. He has been my knight in shinning armor, my back up man & the person who keeps me grounded. I know he won't let me permanently scar Logan for life.

Even though I'm sleep deprived & often grumpy as a result, my perspective has changed...for the better.
Logan is a pretty good baby. He has his fussy times, but really, who doesn't? I am extremley thankful that he is a healthy baby & everything about us is text book normal. Shortly after we discovered that I was pregnant, Bill's sister found out that she was too. We were about 4 weeks apart. A few days after she found out about her pregnancy, one of her really close friends found out that they had conceived as well. So back in June, it was the 3 of us excited to have our babies at the same time. 9 weeks into Bill's sister's pregnancy, she miscarried & needed to get a D&C. It was a difficult time. We were sad for her & also sad for Logan. We thought it would be really cool to have a cousin the same age to play with. She tried again & miscarried after a few weeks again. She is now into her 7 th week in her third pregnancy & things seem to be going well so far.

Bill's sister's friend was induced to have her baby this weekend. Nobody had heard from her. Yesterday we got phone calls from Bill's mom & his sister. They were pretty upset. The baby was born with a birth defect. One of every mothers worst fears. At first we were told in the first call that the baby was missing an ear. Bill & I looked at each other & said "Well, that's not too bad, it could've been a lot worse". Yeah, he's not the perfect little baby that we were expecting, but they can do great things with plastic surgery these days. Then we found out more information in the second call. He was born with Goldenhar Syndrome. Not only was he missing an ear & has no hearing on that side, but he has a facial deformity as well. Now, that is upsetting. This little baby will need many surgeries in his life. They will be able to start at 3 years old. How terrifying for a family, to have their little baby go into the hospital so many times in his few short years of life. I can't even imagine. We don't know the severity of the deformity, but it's not sounding very good. It was mentioned that they would use part of his ribs to reconstruct the one side of his jaw.

I know this baby was meant to be with this family. They are very good people & the mother is a special education teacher. She knows her stuff & is very capable of taking very good care of her new little son. It's just sad. I'm so thankful that we are healthy & happy. This is something that I'm going to think about every morning when Logan is up at 3 am, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Yes, you are up & I'm very tired, but we are healthy".

It's competition time!
I know I said that I wasn't going to get all wrapped up in getting back into shape, but now it's on. I'm striking while the iron is hot. There is a fitness competition going on between Bill & another trainer that he works with at the gym. The stats are exactly the same for the two of them. Bill is so pumped up it's crazy. I haven't seen him like this for a long time. They have both put in $100 & I guess the rest of the staff is going to put in some cash as a bonus. This is great. At the minimum there's $200 to gain (along with being in better shape). It's ending may 31 st.

So, Bill is all into eating better & working out again. I'm so happy. Things were getting a little out of control for a while there. The pregnancy didn't help much either. I think he gained more pregnancy weight than I did. I didn't say anything because I don't want to be that kind of wife. I married him as a big guy anyway. I'm more concerned about the health risks if he doesn't do it, like his sleep apnea getting worse. This is a great time for us to get back into shape together.

Bill used to be my poster boy for training. Back in Vegas we had some bad habits. I would drink home made mudslides with real ice cream with our neighbors...often. This was Vegas & we lived in an apartment complex with a lot of young people & a really nice pool. Many mudslides & multiple pints of Ben & Jerry's later, I remember looking at my butt in the mirror & freaking out. This was in the beginning of the year & I told myself that I had to be bikini ready for the summer. So, I hopped to it. I changed my nutrition & started working out. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months. Bill was impressed (aka: probably freaked out because his wife was now in good shape & going to hang out at the pool) & he decided to do the same. I helped him with nutrition & we made the fitness commitment together. In the course of the year he went from 270-ish to 170-ish. His before & after pictures helped me sell a whole lot of trainning sessions. They also helped him sell more memberships too. We made a great team.

That was the last time I saw him motivated to get into shape. He's made half assed attempts in the last year, but he never stuck to it. I asked him what's his motivation now, "It's time to get my butt into shape & because 90% of my clothes don't fit. I'm tired of wearing the same thing all of the time because it's the only thing that fits & I don't want to buy the next size up". That's music to a trainers ears. Real motivation.

He has been doing great this last week. He has been diligent in his work outs & stuck to better nutrition, even with many temptations at work. He told me that everyone at the gym is betting on the trainer winning the competition. They don't think Bill can do it. Boy, are they wrong. First, when it comes to competition, Bill is a maniac. He is one of the most competitive people I know (next to me). Then, I think everyone at the gym forgot that he's married to the nutrition nazi. As long as he keeps working out & eats what I plan out for him, it's in the bag.

So, here I am putting my trainer hat back on. I'm going to get a few meal plans together for us. We took our RMR tests this morning & he's taking another test at the gym to determine his macro nutrient combinations. With that info I'll make him my secret "6 pack ab plan" that I developed in Portland. When I tested this out on me, I lost 6 lbs in 3 days...the right way. It was nuts. I had a lot of clients get awesome results with it too. Bill's sister even lost 5 lbs in a few days as well. Last night we were talking about what he would do with the $200 when he wins. He laughed & said that he's going to buy a ton of sleeveless muscle shirts. A shopping spree for him sounds good to me!

Nothing grosses me out anymore.
I think I have reached "Super-Mom" status, maybe. I am so used to bodily functions & the pregnancy probably had a lot to do with that.

The body goes through so many changes during pregnancy & not just the obvious, like bigger hips & expanding stomach. The whole gastrointestinal tract gets re-arranged. There's dealing with nausea & throwing up all of the time in the first trimester. There's constipation & hemroids & things not working quite the same down there in the second trimester. Then there's heart burn & everything else combined in the third trimester. During delivery, there's the birth mess itself. Water breaking, bleeding, more throwing up. I'm pretty sure that covers it.

Now there's baby. Explosive poop & it leaking out of diapers. When there's a boy to deal with, count on the "hose effect". I've learned to be quick with the diaper changes & have never been squirted on (with the exception of bath time). Bill on the other hand seems to get as wet as Logan every time (funny, because as a man, he should be in tune with this). I've had to deal with volumes of spit up coming out of a small baby. Spit up coming out of the nose. Now there are baby boogers to go along with that. That's where I think I've reached the "Super-Mom" status.

I have picked Logan's nose & his boogers don't bother me. I don't get sick when he throws up all over me. I clear the goop from his eyes with my fingers. His poop doesn't stink. I don't cringe with disgust if his diaper has leaked & I'm holding him with my hand in his pee. I have done the ultimate mom move & licked my finger to wipe off dried milk from his face. I've cleaned the ugly umbilical stump (which Logan STILL has & is not giving it up, no matter how much I drench it in rubbing alcohol) & I've cleaned the healing circumcision (Bill wouldn't even look at it). I've never thought twice about doing any of these things. Nothing is gross anymore, it just is what it is.

He is his fathers son.
Logan is so much like Bill it's scary. Not only did we create a "mini me" for him in looks, but in mannerisims as well. It's kind of strange to have a clone in the house.

I know all babies have the startle reflex. You keep them swaddled up tight so they don't wake themselves up at night. Well, Bill still has this reflex. He doesn't wake up & maybe at this age they call it something else, but he has always been "active" in his sleep. Logan has always been a kicker, ever since I could feel him at 17 weeks. I used to call him my Olympic soccer player/martial artist. He would beat the crap out of me on a daily basis. I look at him now & recognize every motion that he makes thinking, "I remember you doing that to me at 2 am"! Now I watch the two of them together at night, moving & kicking away, almost in unison. It's a father & son synchronized sleeping dance. Sometimes I wonder if they share the same brain.

Not only do they move alike when they are sleeping, but they sound alike too. Bill has this annoying habit of moaning in his sleep. It gets worse if he's stressed out. Sometimes it's so bad I have to elbow him in the back to get him to stop. Earlier this week, I noticed Logan doing the same thing. I kept asking myself, "Is this normal baby stuff, or did Logan pick up Bill's moaning too"? He moans, grunts, cries & laughs in his sleep. Actually, it's pretty cute, but now I get the moaning in surround sound. It's going to be interesting to watch Logan grow up. I wonder how much is he going to be like Bill?