This is a difficult visit
Before yesterday, I felt OK. I didn't have the extreme anxiety like I did prior to other visits. The last visit went alright with no one overstepping bounds. I had faith in Bill that he would take care of anything if he needed to (there is a conversation that he's going to have to have sooner or later this weekend). But my guard is still up.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. After a visit where Grandma L had to be spoken to about boundaries, the following visit would be good. The visit after that, we would be right back at square one. This is what I'm anticipating. Plus, I have a sick baby & I feel like this gives her an "excuse" to play mommy. Not only is my guard up, but it's bigger than the wall of China.

Yesterday evening when we went to pick up Grandma L from Aunt Ju-Ju's & Uncle J's, I physically felt myself shut down. I stepped through the door & it was like a thick iron door shut inside of me. Bill knows that I'm not going to pretend that everything is OK, but I guess everyone else expects me to. At the beginning of every visit, I am totally freaked out inside & this wasn't any different. I was exceptionally distant though. More so than usual & apparently that made everyone pretty pissed.

I have a very difficult time trusting people to begin with. When someone abuses that trust, it takes a very long time for me to get over it. It's going to take more than one "successful" visit to prove to me that we won't have anymore issues. At times I'm not very optimistic about behaviors changing because Grandma L doesn't take any responsibility for our predicament. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

I've already had a couple of issues today. This morning when Logan woke up, Bill took him to Grandma L instead of to me. I was furious & Bill knew it by the most evil of evil eyes I was giving him. He later explained that he was trying to let me sleep in. I can't really be that mad at him because he was trying to be nice, but it did bother me.

Then while I was making a batch of baby food, Grandma L asked about ordering pictures. Bill sent her a link to a site that offers 50 free pictures. She wondered where she could upload the pictures from. Photobucket or the hard drive. I knew what she was really trying to do. "You can upload from either of them", I said. "Are you going to take all of our pictures from the hard drive"? She quickly said no & almost ran out of the kitchen.

We have over 600 pictures of Logan on the hard drive & about a little over 200 on Photobucket. I think we've been very generous in taking pictures every week for them. She even goes to the extent of being like the paparazzi while visiting, constantly taking pictures of Logan & I don't say anything about it (even though that bothers me too). However, there are some things that I would like to be special for our family. I would like some of our pictures to be just ours. I knew she was trying to be sneaky because Bill sent her this link weeks ago. I know she has a "Logan" file on her hard drive with a ton of pictures. She wanted the ones from our computer. This doesn't fly with me. Not at all.

This really sucks because it's only day one of four.