This is the last one, I promise (at least until next week)
I really don't want this to be the drama blog of doom, but that's what's going on right now. First, I have to give MAJOR credit to Bill. He has been awesome. I know it's difficult to have negative conversations about your mother, especially if you've looked at her through rose colored glasses. I understand that it's not pleasant. He has held my hand, let me cry, listens & assures me that he'll take care of everything & it will be ok. "I wish you had talked to me before", he said. "I never felt like you had my back or understood how I felt", I cried. "I will always have your back. I'm sorry it wasn't clear before", he apologized. This means so much to me.

I also have to give props to my sisters. I know Bill can only hear so much. When I really have to let it all out, they are always there on the phone listening to me cry & assuring me that I have every right to feel like I do. I can't even count how many times Logans' Aunt R & Aunt J have listened to me scream (literally) about Grandma L. I always feel better after our conversations. This means so much to me too.

Not only have Bill & my sisters been great, but it's been unfortunately relieving to read the comments from all of the blogging Moms out there who share similar mother in law problems. It makes me feel little more normal & not so alone. It's really crappy that we all have to deal with it, but at least we're all in it together.

So this is the new part of the drama & why I've been crying to my family today. It turns out that Grandma L isn't taking any ownership in the situation. She talks about it to everyone, playing Polly Anna the whole time. She claims that I have anger & hostility towards her as a reflection of my hatred towards my mother (No, she doesn't hold a psychology degree) & she also thinks I'm hormonal or chemically imbalanced. She also believes that I'm insecure in my relationship with Bill & feel their relationship is too close. My "undermining" her is my attempt to strengthen our marriage (It actually was tearing us apart until we really started communicating better). She has said that when she's here, she just needs to keep her big mouth shut & I know she has also made back up plans to stay with someone else if things "go bad".

This may get a bit lengthy, but I'm going to list all of the reasons why I'm angry with her. She has some serious boundary issues that she is clearly in denial about (this is just stuff that has happened after Logan was born. We'll leave out what has happened before).

• She initially planned to visit & see Logan for the first time when he would be 2 weeks old. I was comfortable & happy with this plan. I felt like it gave me enough time to heal & get my bearings as a new Mother. Right after Logan was born & I was being wheeled into the Mother/Baby unit, Bill told me she called & was coming out the day after we got home from the hospital. I had no say in the matter. It felt like it was an intrusion on our time as a new family.
• The first words from her as she walked in the door as I was nursing Logan: "Are you done yet?! Because I'm ready to hold him!" This set the tone for her role as a grandmother & how I felt about her. This was the most selfish comment I've ever heard. She didn't care that Logan needed to eat, she just wanted to hold him.
• She proceeded to take Logan hostage the entire visit. The only time I held him was when he needed a diaper change & needed to nurse. When I told her that Logan needed to eat, she was very reluctant to give him back. "He's not awake yet", she would quickly reply. She would then take her time & very slowly would try to wake him up rather than giving him back to his Mother.
• She made very passive aggressive comments about my choice to breast feed. She always said, "That's the problem with breast feeding, you never know how much they're going to get", or some other remark. Then when she was confronted about it, she would always say, "Oh, it's so good for him! It's the best thing you can do for your baby". A few minutes later she would ask when Logan would start bottle feeding & when he was going to start formula. After I told her repeatedly about not formula feeding, she would then ask, "When could he start formula"? I feel like her comments are a reflection of her resentment towards me for being able to successfully breast feed Logan. She wasn't able to with Bill & Aunt Ju-Ju.

This is the post about that first visit.

• Logan was sleeping in his bassinet at the foot of our bed. He woke up crying one morning because it was time to eat. I got up & brought him into bed to nurse. Just as I was getting him latched on, she opens our bedroom door to come in. I was in such shock (& sleep deprived) & just sat there slack-jawed as she turned around & closed the door behind her. This was the ultimate invasion of privacy.
• She took it upon herself to "take care of Logan" while Bill & I went out & left him with her. She thought he needed his face scrubbed. We got back to hear that she scrubbed his face but didn't like it too much. He was hysterical for a while & it took some time to calm him down. First, his face was dry because of the climate in Colorado. Washing his face is only going to make it worse. Secondly, I now have a complex when leaving him with anyone, fearing that they'll "take care of him" & he's getting hysterical.
• She literally snatched him from me. I was getting ready to change his diaper & his clothes. He was on the changing table & I turned around to grab a new outfit. She comes in & takes him off of the table, still in a dirty diaper & takes him out of the room. While she has him hostage & not getting taken care of, I'm being told to "go take a break".

This is the post about the second visit.

• Logan had a serious reaction to his vaccinations. I never really wanted to immunize him, but went against my feelings so as not to "rock the boat" in the family. After a week of constant sleep & not waking up much at all & me crying & worrying about him, she told me it was "normal". Logans' doctors said it wasn't normal & changed his vaccination schedule & narrowed it down to the pertussis shot. After telling her that it wasn't normal & found out what shot it was, she freaked out that Logan wasn't going to continue receiving that vaccination, even though it could really hurt him. I'm still upset with myself for not listening to my gut & following her advice. I will never take her advice again.
  

This is the post about his 2nd month vaccination.

• After having had a conversation about boundaries, we go on vacation & it all goes out the window. The breast feeding comments continue, baby hostage situations with her taking him away from me, her running to his crib to beat me there & her "taking care" of him in the car while I'm sitting right next to him.
• She attempted to take away our first day at the park by trying to put him on the swings. Fortunately Logan was still too small.
• She had her sister confront me, "Grandma L is a proud grandma, but she's having a hard time". I felt cornered & ganged up on. This was none of her business & a conversation that didn't need to happen.
• While staying at her sisters' house, I stepped on the scale in their bathroom. I was surprised & proud that I weighed a little bit less than I did pre-pregnancy. Her comment was, "Are you sure the scale isn't broken"?
  

This is the long rant/post about the vacation.

• While we were getting ready to move, she over stepped her bounds in reaction to the house we were going to rent. Granted there were problems that arose after our initial inspection & walk through, we are adults & can take care of ourselves. I still feel that she made such a scene because she didn't want to stay there when visiting. Her comment about the wood burning stove & animal skull in the back yard was the giveaway.
• She continued to take Logan away from me & I confronted her about in. After our conversation, she threw her hands up in the air saying "Fine. I'll never say anything again". She didn't follow through.

This is the post about our move.

• She made passive aggressive comments about how I was "starving" Logan. In the past, she would always tell me his stomach was growling & that he was constantly hungry. It got to the point where I called his doctor to talk about it. They assured me Logan was healthy & not always hungry.

This is the post where Bill & I started communicating better about the situation.

• After uploading some recent pictures of Logan, she called to say, "It's nice to finally see Logan smile other than his straight line smile". This was very offensive to me hearing someone pretty much say that it was nice to see my son look different.

This is the post where I freak out about it & her impending visit.

The list is huge. It's comforting to see that it's not all "in my head" like she seems to believe. While the lack of relationship with my mom certainly doesn't help in the trusting of other people, it isn't the sole reason for the problems with Grandma L. At times it seems like she's trying to help, but as I read entry after entry & time goes on, my opinion changes.

So, that's enough of that. This post was the "Vent of all vents". A grand finale of why I feel like I do & why she does have ownership in the situation. I'm done venting about it until the visit is over next Sunday. Onto happier things tomorrow.